Thread: what is the comfort you are seeking behind habits?

not sure if this is the correct place to post it but figured that habits, good and bad, are related to fitness and eating habits, etc

so this is about bad habits we have..overeating, drinking coffee, not going for that morning walk, etc. , putting our jobs before our health

many 'experts' say that we resort to habits for comfort..for example eating helps us fill a void or emptiness or provides some type of comfort

so how do YOU get to the root of the problem and find out WHY you are seeking comfort, and from what? is it security, or related to a loss?

once the problem is identified, how can you substitute a good habit for, or eliminate the habit that is being used for 'comfort'

has anyone ever tried hypnosis?

hope this post makes sense,

is anyone interested in starting an online support group to nurse each other thru a bad habit and help change it into a good habit?


mine is coffee.I have been having a cup of coffee every day since I was about 19. It started when I was working as a manager at McDonalds..I liked the taste and I liked the buzz from it. I started smoking cigarettes at the same time. It was my first real full time job. I had just moved to Arizona after graduating high school in California, had my own apartment, in a small town in Arizona. My dad was terminally ill at the time, he lived right around the corner from me so I could keep an eye on him. He died about a year after I moved to Arizona, and then I went away to college in Flagstaff by myself. I don't remember drinking coffee in college, not until years later. Did smoke an occasional cigarette but was never the type to huddle out in the cold weather for a puff. It was more a nervous habit and not a craving for nicotine. And I liked to smoke when I drank. First year in college I lived in the dorms and spent a lot more time clubbing and going to drunken parties (and being drunk) than studying. Got really sick one night and cleaned up my act, and the following year I had a 3.8 grade average again. So I'm certain a lot of this had to do with losing my father and the changes of going away to school. I'm not sure though, how the coffee and cigarettes provided a 'comfort' to his death or the changes. And for some time I did not smoke daily or drink coffee daily..there's gaps in the comfort need. Am not sure about the drinking, am sure there was an escape in drinking..but it was also social.

Can't remember a specific time I picked up coffee drinking again, but I do remember camping often in Flagstaff and hoping that we'd bring along coffee for the morning.

Over the years it's become such a need or security that I'll go to great lengths to make sure that if we are travelling, I'll bring coffee just in case. Am so pathetically hooked to the sweetness (I add sugar and cream) that I'll go out of the normal way to make sure it's available.

When I had the stomach flu a few months ago, I did not crave it at all. For a few days, then a week and a half, I did not drink it and I thought that was a good time to break the habit but unfortunately as soon as I could stomach it again, I started back up.

It just seems so silly and not needed. I don't really get a buzz from it anymore , it's almost like maintenance and I am bothered that I'm so addicted to the ritual of it that it rules the morning.

Cigarettes were easy to give up..again I was an occasional smoker , I went to a concert one time in New Mexico with a buddy and got really sick afterwards, walking pneumonia, so I could not smoke during that time. I just simply stopped buying packs. For many years I had absolutely no craving for a cigarette, they physically repelled me. Once in a great while if under a lot of stress I think about taking a puff but with my type of personality I might end up going back to smoking so I just simply don't do it.

Why can't that be done with coffee?

Ok next? who else needs bhuz therapy?

Sometimes I'm lazy!

But I do believe there are many, many reasons - most that people don't acknowledge - that drive our self-destructive behaviors. Guilt, shame, "I don't deserve to be happy, healthy, wealthy, fill-in-the-blank." I personally can trace a lot of my subconscious "instincts" (which aren't always serving my greater good) to my perceptions from childhood of how I was raised, what I thought a woman, man, wife, husband, mother, father looked like, acted like, treated other people, etc.

You have to deal with and treat the symptoms of an imbalance - there are real chemical reactions going on, but I think if you never address where it's coming from emotionally or subconsciously, you eventually transfer the imbalance to something else in your life.

I definitely have methods that work for me (not that I've dealt with everything - far from it) and will come back to this thread with some details.

I've found that 12-step programs are really helpful in trying to get that balance back...It's not just for alcoholics! Everyone who feels "out of control" can benefit from them.

Step 1 - We admitted we were powerless over our addiction - that our lives had become unmanageable
Step 2 - Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity
Step 3 - Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood God
Step 4 - Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves
Step 5 - Admitted to God, to ourselves and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs
Step 6 - Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character
Step 7 - Humbly asked God to remove our shortcomings
Step 8 - Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all
Step 9 - Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others
Step 10 - Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it
Step 11 - Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood God, praying only for knowledge of God's will for us and the power to carry that out
Step 12 - Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to other addicts, and to practice these principles in all our affairs

those are both great posts!! will check in later as well..

The question is what habits are we identifying as 'harmful'?

Okay, I could write my thesis here, but here is the short hand version. . .

When we discover a 'habit' which does not support us, it is an opportunity to look at what attachments we have to the behavior, the 'why' from underneath it. It may be that it is purely comfort. It may be that it supports our view of ourselves as {fill in the blank} it may be a deeply seated belief in our selves or about the particular behavior.

Here is an example: I actually hate attention. Well, in the past. Not so much that I became a perfectionist, or neoratic or even really changed my behavior in such a way that I was flying under the radar, but I never understood why anything which I did was note worthy, nor did I particularly want it to be. Or so I told myself.

I started to really work on this when I realized that this behavior was keeping me from being successful. So, what were my competing intentions?

On the one hand, I want to be successful as a Coach and as a Dancer.

On the other hand, I don't want anyone to really notice me too much.

This results in CONFLICT!!!! Which results in all kinds of self sabotage such as over eating, not taking care of myself, not applying myself fully to the task at hand and not completely committing to my plans.

It also allows the ego - or the subconscious - to have a field day plotting my downfall!

(con't)

Now, under the heading of what do I do about this. . .

First of all, from a Coaching perspective, I model the behavior I am hoping to carry foreword. In other words, I put together a set of behaviors which support what I say I am trying to do. If it is taking better care of myself, then I make sure that I do the things on my list which help me take care of myself. Not perfectly. I understand that I am human and there will be times when perfect is just not possible.

And I do this no matter how uncomfortable it is for me, because that very discomfort will bring forth the core issue about why, in the past, I have been making the choices I have made.

In the case above, I discovered that I had a deeply rooted belief that "Good women, nice ladies, do not draw attention to themselves." This was taught to me as a little girl by my very proper British grandmother and my great-aunts. While there was not real consequence told to me about what might happen if I DID draw attention to myself, the implication was that I'd be excommunicated from the tribe! Horrors, in the mind of a 4 year old who was nestled in the bosom of her loving extended family!

So, having identified that, I looked at all the judgments which I had placed my myself and others involved, and other people - yes, I had some judgments about people who were perfectly willing to get out there and promote themselves in wild an crazy ways - and apply forgiveness and release those thought patterns.

{con't}

I also then stated the truth of the matter in a positive way -that I can be a lady and promote myself as a dancer and a Coach. That they are not mutually exclusive. That being successful is not a betrayal of my family or my sex, and that I will not be excommunicated from the tribe because I am achieving success. And so on.

Then I look at the behaviors which I have chosen to model and adjust them according to what has come forward. I continue doing the above until it is not longer an issue. OR as one of my Profs says, until the issue has no juice left on it.

So far, it's made a big difference.

{{{HUGS}}}

*get's off soap box*

Dang. I don't want to think of my addiction to Goldfish as anything more than tribute to their itty, bitty,crunchy, irresistible, goodness.

Jes,

My grain of salt...

Awareness, judgement, intention, choice.

Awareness of the pattern of behavior is an excellent first step in combatting what you believe to be a "bad" habit.

Words like "good" and "bad" connote judgment and is not helpful to the process. I think it's necessary to change the vocabulary. I like Tahira's words of "not supportive." And this is where your intention comes in. What is the desired outcome? Is the habit supportive or not supportive of your intention (to feel better, etcetera)?

The next time you notice yourself turning to a pattern of behavior to cope, make a choice. If you find yourself resorting to the old behavior, just make a note of it and don't judge. Accept it and understand how you believe it benefits you. If you find yourself selecting a more positive alternative, one that brings you closer to your intention/desire, appreciate that moment and strive to take similar action when you are faced with the choice again.

Or...what Tahira said.

OK, its about to get really personal...

2 years ago a shooting took place at my school. I ran for my life, saw people bleeding, had to stay in hideout for a few hours. Im glad to have not heard the gun shots because I had my IPod on, but in some ways it didn't make it any better because for a good minute, I didn't know WHY I was trying to save my life. When we returned to school, I was in the same class, at the same desk from when I had to run out and a false alarm happened. Some kid was running around screaming because of a cool card trick, but we were obviously all on edge so we thought something was wrong again. The problem this time was that I knew what I was running from & I froze. My knees were trembling, I couldn't move. My friends had to help me escape.

A few years before all this, I spent some time travelling around India & South East Asia. I saw poverty, political problems, starvation, victims of land mines, you name it. This experience made me realize how lucky I was to live in Canada. The shooting shook the world I thought I lived in.

Now Im at a place where Im trying to understand how and why people could do this to eachother. And why are there so many crime shows on tv. How has this become the most popular form of entertainment? I can't relate

In this past year, I've noticed myself spending WAY more time on the computer than I know I really want to, and more time watching the "safer" shows on tv. I was more of a go-getter before. Now Im more of a home-body. I am filling my void by staying home more because I feel that it could be the only safe place that I know. Perhaps its more of a human condition problem that I am facing. I knew I wasn't going to be permanent. At 25, I didn't think I would have had to acknowledge this fate so closely.

Originally Posted by jesennia

has anyone ever tried hypnosis?

I was wondering the same thing? I want to stop snacking at night

Originally Posted by jesennia

is anyone interested in starting an online support group to nurse each other thru a bad habit and help change it into a good habit?
.

I would be willing to be part of a "support thread" in the off topic section. I could use the support. This habit is kicking my butt. And for me, yes, it is a plain old bad habit.


Also, Jessina, just curious, why do you want to give up coffee?? Are you drinking too much? (Asking as a fellow coffee junkie)

Do you have PTSD? If so, you're not alone. Maybe you could talk to a health professional?

When I was in my early teens, there was a string of kidnappings/murder of pre-teens near my home. One of the victims was the younger brother of a classmate. This has had a permanent impact on me. A few weeks ago, there was 1 kidnapping and 2 attempts on children near where we live. Now that my sons are in that age range - I've been completely freaked. I had to start driving them to the school bus instead of letting them walk. My mind knows that they're not walking alone, there are lots of people around, etc. etc., but my anxiety level just isn't responding. I'm just flat out on High Alert, and that's that.

Oops! that last post was for AngelicaDances.

Originally Posted by BELLA_BELLA

Do you have PTSD? If so, you're not alone. Maybe you could talk to a health professional?

When I was in my early teens, there was a string of kidnappings/murder of pre-teens near my home. One of the victims was the younger brother of a classmate. This has had a permanent impact on me. A few weeks ago, there was 1 kidnapping and 2 attempts on children near where we live. Now that my sons are in that age range - I've been completely freaked. I had to start driving them to the school bus instead of letting them walk. My mind knows that they're not walking alone, there are lots of people around, etc. etc., but my anxiety level just isn't responding. I'm just flat out on High Alert, and that's that.

PTSD- Its what people ask me every time I bring it up. I know that I should speak to someone, but I keep thinking I should be strong enough to do it on my own. Im not living in a war zone. My situation isn't as bad as others'. And I sometimes just flat out don't want to admit to myself that something is wrong. Hence the void & time fillers on the computer & tv.

I completely relate to the High Alert feeling. Did you ever talk to anyone about what you went through?

I feel like I took an unexpected turn on this thread, but I just want to say thank you, jesennia, for posting it. Its been a while since Ive brought up this issue. Maybe I thought it went away? But my feeling right now has shown me it hasn't. You sparked something I needed to see in myself. Thank you. Maybe this already is an online support group...

..l;,

Originally Posted by BELLA_BELLA

Dang. I don't want to think of my addiction to Goldfish as anything more than tribute to their itty, bitty,crunchy, irresistible, goodness.

nuthin wrong with that. pass the chocolate please

Originally Posted by HOOKEDNOVICE

I was wondering the same thing? I want to stop snacking at night



I would be willing to be part of a "support thread" in the off topic section. I could use the support. This habit is kicking my butt. And for me, yes, it is a plain old bad habit.


(Asking as a fellow coffee junkie)

SO WITH YOU on this one.

My overeating/snacking at night has to do with not wanting to feel "empty" (and, therefore, freed up to explore opportunities and options. I just want to be stationary and comfortable and insulated). ..c::

everyone makes excelelnt points, thanks for the responses so far. And that's a really good point, is the habit harming anything?

HookedNovice, I drink about a half cup a day. It's the behavior of craving it that I don't care for, I feel out of control ..when we plan to go visit friends or something I call ahead and make sure there's coffee. And it's a sugar high cycle, or so it seems.. spike in the morning and by mid afternoon I'm very sleepy and am craving sugar in another form for a pick up.

When I did a weekend workshop with Adnan Sarhan, he put us in meditative states frequently and during the whole weekend I did not think of coffee but did want more food..we were fasting.

It feels like a complete removal of the morning routine would be helpful..and that's why I've planned the hop over to waikiki as a time to break the current routine. Right now am finishing up work, so first thing I'm on the computer in the morning and it's chilly here so coffee is sooo good. When we get back to the condo, I'm joining the gym that is a quick bus ride up the street..they watch kids while you work out so I'll feed baby and me banana and cereal and we'll be out of the house early, no computer time. Am hoping that by changing the routine I can sorta trick my brain into craving the exercise high that I used to enjoy instead of the sugar high.

AngelicaDances, what an absolutely horrible experience to have been thru..couldn't even begin to imagine. I do understand when someone goes thru trauma like that it can last a lifetime. My father was a war vet and he had nightmares about it all the way up until the time he died ..cr.:

baby just woke, will check in again..!!

Originally Posted by AngelicaDances

PTSD- Its what people ask me every time I bring it up. I know that I should speak to someone, but I keep thinking I should be strong enough to do it on my own. Im not living in a war zone. My situation isn't as bad as others'. And I sometimes just flat out don't want to admit to myself that something is wrong. Hence the void & time fillers on the computer & tv.

No need to compare. It's relative to your own experiences so what you are feeling and fearing are your truth. That is enough to be aware of it and seek guidance if you need it. It can only help.

Angela - I would highly suggest that you go talk to soemone who can help you straighten out some of issues you are having come forward right now. Even if it is only a couple of meetings but they allow you to alter your world view so that 1) the issue is no longer triggered and 2) when it is triggered you are able to deal with it in a healthy, timely manner and 3) hopefully resolve the issue for yourself.

And remember to breathe!

{{{HUGS}}}

Thank you ladies xox

Originally Posted by jesennia

HookedNovice, I drink about a half cup a day. It's the behavior of craving it that I don't care for, I feel out of control ..when we plan to go visit friends or something I call ahead and make sure there's coffee. And it's a sugar high cycle, or so it seems.. spike in the morning and by mid afternoon I'm very sleepy and am craving sugar in another form for a pick up.

I'm hearing more mention of sugar than of caffeine~ is it possible it is not the coffee you crave, but the sugar and the coffee is merely an innocent bystander, the vehicle for the sugar rush? ,r:;

Angelica, please don't feel like you have to handle this yourself. It's OK to ask for help - you are not weak if you do. Please don't be afraid to make an appointment with a counselor or therapist.

Edna

I feel like I had a breakthrough a few weeks ago. I'm Catholic, this is the Lenten season and for many reasons, I have chosen to eschew wheat and its friends (barley and rye) as well as all animal products except for hotly debated honey. Overall, it has been a magnificent experience for me- I feel so much better than I did and I love not really having the cravings I had before. Not to say I don't want 'junk' food, but bc it's all natural I don't crave it as often or eat as much of it~ I do think this is bc there are few to no additives. I might be crazy though. ..l;,

Anyway! About a week or two after changing my food path, I was jonesin' for a fried buffalo chicken chunk. I was completely obsessed- I couldn't stop thinking of it: imaging it being served to me, my fork and knife in it, the flavor, the mouth-feel, the works. I forced myself to ask me questions- was I feeling sad, emotional in some way? No, so I was able to determine it was an actual physical craving, not emotional stuffing. I broke down the components of the fried buffalo chicken chunk and came up with this: chicken=protein; fried/batter=fat; buffalo=spice. Then I went over what I had eaten that day- coconut milk yogurt with raspberries for bfast and broth/soup for lunch. I decided what I needed to have for dinner had better include protein and fat, since my body was clearly craving it and it had better have a strong flavor while I was at it! Honestly, this was so HUGE for me~ I struggle constantly with food, with thinking about it all the time, giving into the cravings for non-beneficial food and it was incredibly gratifying to be able to ascertain WHY I wanted what I wanted and to make the change in my food plan to satisfy my body's needs. I am thrilled to say I have not craved a fried buffalo chicken chunk since. Soft, warm, chewy bread on the other hand...

Originally Posted by maranajla

I feel like I had a breakthrough a few weeks ago. I'm Catholic, this is the Lenten season and for many reasons, I have chosen to eschew wheat and its friends (barley and rye) as well as all animal products except for hotly debated honey. Overall, it has been a magnificent experience for me- I feel so much better than I did and I love not really having the cravings I had before. Not to say I don't want 'junk' food, but bc it's all natural I don't crave it as often or eat as much of it~ I do think this is bc there are few to no additives. I might be crazy though. ..l;,

Anyway! About a week or two after changing my food path, I was jonesin' for a fried buffalo chicken chunk. I was completely obsessed- I couldn't stop thinking of it: imaging it being served to me, my fork and knife in it, the flavor, the mouth-feel, the works. I forced myself to ask me questions- was I feeling sad, emotional in some way? No, so I was able to determine it was an actual physical craving, not emotional stuffing. I broke down the components of the fried buffalo chicken chunk and came up with this: chicken=protein; fried/batter=fat; buffalo=spice. Then I went over what I had eaten that day- coconut milk yogurt with raspberries for bfast and broth/soup for lunch. I decided what I needed to have for dinner had better include protein and fat, since my body was clearly craving it and it had better have a strong flavor while I was at it! Honestly, this was so HUGE for me~ I struggle constantly with food, with thinking about it all the time, giving into the cravings for non-beneficial food and it was incredibly gratifying to be able to ascertain WHY I wanted what I wanted and to make the change in my food plan to satisfy my body's needs. I am thrilled to say I have not craved a fried buffalo chicken chunk since. Soft, warm, chewy bread on the other hand...

That's amazing, MaraNajla! What a breakthrough. I'm inspired to take this investigatory route to get to the bottom of my food addictions/cravings, too. You have described exactly how I feel about food (thinking about it constantly, giving in to cravings, etc.)

Originally Posted by Azhia

That's amazing, MaraNajla! What a breakthrough. I'm inspired to take this investigatory route to get to the bottom of my food addictions/cravings, too. You have described exactly how I feel about food (thinking about it constantly, giving in to cravings, etc.)

Thank you so much, Azhia! It is an experience of which I am increasingly proud. I can't say I am at the point where I do it all the time, every time - I still stuff my face with potato chips sometimes! - but it is so glorious and freeing to have achieved an awareness about the habit.

Also, I am a firm believer occasionally there isn't a deep and meaningful reason for a craving, it is just a craving. (Or maybe I'm feeling lazy and don't feel like sorting through it all?)

Originally Posted by maranajla

Thank you so much, Azhia! It is an experience of which I am increasingly proud. I can't say I am at the point where I do it all the time, every time - I still stuff my face with potato chips sometimes! - but it is so glorious and freeing to have achieved an awareness about the habit.

Also, I am a firm believer occasionally there isn't a deep and meaningful reason for a craving, it is just a craving. (Or maybe I'm feeling lazy and don't feel like sorting through it all?)

I also believe that there are times when it is either or both. It's up to us to be aware enough to take appropriate action. And sometimes that is to sit down with a dish of Haagen Das, chocolate sauce, whipped cream and nuts. . .

{{{HUGS}}}

My coffee addiction started at the age of three. My pediatrician told my mother to give me coffee in my bottle for the asthma. Caffeine helps the bronchial tubes. Needless to say, I was an addict before I could speak properly. Whenever I didn't drink my morning cup, I suffered from severe headaches, lightheadness, mood swings, lack of concentration, etc... Last year, however, I read a book from a headache doctor who claimed that coffee contributes to migraines. (I suffered severe migraines after I started drinking more than 2 a day.) With my husband's help, I went cold turkey. No other way for me. I won't lie, I was miserable, perhaps a little suicidal. JK. But I made it. I experienced severe withdrawal symptoms but in a month I had fewer migraines and less joint pain. I always felt achy for some reason. I've had a few minor lapses when I sneak a cup every now and then but not more than one every 2 weeks. My mind feels less cloudy, and I have about the same level of energy throughout the day. I think breaking habits is a matter of outweighing benefits vs. costs. True, some things might be good for me, but I often don't feel compelled to break a bad habit unless I can clearly see outstanding results. Fact of life, for me.

Originally Posted by Azhia

SO WITH YOU on this one.

My overeating/snacking at night has to do with not wanting to feel "empty" (and, therefore, freed up to explore opportunities and options. I just want to be stationary and comfortable and insulated). ..c::

Whoa! That last sentence is messing with me. This is so true! Maybe the snacking then (for me) is not a reaction to something (eg not being "fed" in other areas of my life) but a protection FROM something ( I think the word insulating is so apt here)

Seriously, I am going to start a support thread..... Shall I post here or in Off topic and jessina I don't want to do a premature thread jack so if you were going to start that thread, I don't want to step on your toes. I'll give it a few hours or a day or so and then reassess.