Thread: Pregnant and Petrified

So I found out on Wednesday that I am pregnant. I feel awfully confused, have no idea what to do and just feel utter sense of horror at the idea of being responsible for another little life.

I should explain am happily married in a stable long term relationship, so it's not an "accident" as such, but still a shock. My husband is being really very negative about it, though think he's suffering some shock/terror too.

I can't even begin to process it, and my doctor says he can't see me for four weeks.

I did a bit of internet research as don't know first thing about pregnancy or babies and that just scared me more. Very contradictory about what you should and shouldn't do etc and messed head up more instead of helping me deal with it.

How do you know it's the right thing to do? Is there any advice anywhere to help cope with the emotional effects of being pregnant? Not just for me but specifically for my husband?

Help! Am all a bit lost.

Carry on pretty much as normal,eat the right things, lay off the booze and ciggies (if you are still puffing away).
Remember you are not ill but there should be advice available. Do you have women's clinic at your practise or a nurse you can see. Chemists also have good leaflets and advice if you are unlucky enough to feel rough. Not everyone does!
I was totally unprepared for my son..he was a "one night won't make any difference"I had forgotten my birth control on a last mnute weekend break!. Your hormones will soon click in and don't forget it's a great excuse for demanding to be pampered.
If you are otherwise healthy you can belly dance away! Congratulations and welcome to a very big club.

PMing you!

Congrats! I know it can be very scary. Everyone feels scared. Take care of yourself by resting and eating right. If you start to feel nauseous in the mornings try having some crackers before you get out of bed. I know there's a lot of info out there and it can be confusing. Trust your gut. You and your hubby need to talk to each other about your feelings. {{{HUGS}}}

Congratulations sweetie! When I found out with my first child I cried for two hours straight - out of fear and anger. It *is* scary! But it's such a blessing.

Here's what you should do:

- check out Pregnancy Info - Pregnancy Symptoms and Stages - Parenting.com. Sign up for the weekly email; they'll send you a fetal picture along with lots of week-by-week information on what to expect, what's normal, what to be concerned about, etc.

- Get a copy of "what to expect when you're expecting." HUGE help!

- Take prenatal vitamins starting today. If you have nausea, I recommend a liquid vitamin; it's easier to digest. I like Source of Life, Prenatal Liquid.

- Get the husband "a guy's guide to pregnancy." My guy loved this! It explains a lot of the craziness they'll see in their partners and is very supportive. [ame=http://www.amazon.com/Guys-Guide-Pregnancy-Preparing-Parenthood/dp/1885223757/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1250348659&sr=8-1]Amazon.com: A Guy's Guide to Pregnancy: Preparing for Parenthood Together (9781885223753): Frank Mungeam, John Gray: Books[/ame] It will also explain that their fear about not having enough money is a normal reaction. Every man has this and then has the desire to work work work.

- Stay away from: alcohol, nicotine (in any form), raw meats including sushi, lunch meat, soft cheeses except feta and cream cheese, caffeine (if possible). Those are the main ones. Also no hot tubs, steam rooms or saunas. No horseback riding, snowboarding, or anything where you could fall or be hit in the stomach.

- Keep exercising and dancing.

- Drink lots of water. Do expect to pee every couple hours through the night. Right now your body is doubling it's fluids.

- Get yourself a Belly Band - you'll be able to wear regular pants for a while with these. Maternity Belly Band: a staple of your maternity wardrobe

- Start using lotion on you belly 2x a day (if you don't already). I did this with my first and with this pregnancy (I'm 6 months along) and have no stretch marks yet. My mother had LOTS.

That's good for now. Above all, remember that you and your husband are both going through a major change. Whatever reaction you each feel is totally normal. Take care of yourself, sleep when you need to (I slept 12 hours a day!), and breathe! And feel free to email me if you have other questions maliaraqs at gmail dot com.

I thought pregnancy was overwhelming, and I was trying to get pregnant! It's a huge change in your life, so naturally there are some apprehensive and mixed emotions. Luckily, my husband always wanted to have children, so he was very supportive. You guys need to have a talk about your values around having a family.

I don't think my husband really "got" that there was a baby coming until the birth. It's just not as real to a man as it is to a woman whose body is doing amazing and not always comfortable things.

I fell completely head over heels in love with my babies at birth. I can't imagine not having had them, now. But it was very scary starting a family.

I had a nurse-midwife situation, which I think is much more supportive than just seeing a doctor during the pregnancy. Be sure and get all the prenatal care that you should.

Best wishes, and congratulations!

I think there is a very good reason pregnancy is 9 months long- time to start adjusting head space! Congratulations & hang in there- I was petrified first time round too, didn't want to tell my husband for fear of how he would react- & he has indeed freaked out all 4 times I found out I was pregnant- but I found a friend who was also a new mom to help calm me down & share rants with & it all worked out/ is working out just fine. not what we had planned, but still good. There are several other posts on pregnancy recently, & a really good new publication called the doula's guide to childbirth which I really like because it is full of real life stories of real people from many different backgrounds & experiences. Good luck!

One of the best books out there is What to Expect When you are Expecting. It's been around for years! (If you are even a little bit of a hypochondriac, don't read the last half of the book!)

The other thing to do is BREATHE!!!!! And find a good prenatal vitamin.

The first few months you will probably want to sleep a lot more then usual. Do so. that and any morning sickness should be over between 12 - 26 weeks.

As for the hubby, many times men freak until they have tangible proof that the baby is real. today that "proof" can come as early as 12 weeks when you have your first ultra sound. Then many of them get hit with the "I'm really gonna be a daddy!!!!!!"

Okay, I spent too much time working in High Risk OB. . .

{{{HUGS}}}

Visit the March of Dimes Web site. They are experts.

Pregnancy and Newborn - March of Dimes

Also, please take folic acid!

The CDC is another qualified source of pregnancy information.

Pregnancy-planning Education Program, NCBDDD, CDC
CDC - Folic Acid Homepage - NCBDDD

Ditto, to the March of Dimes, really factual and great resources.

I had one of those last year, and now he will be four months old next week.

Another book, Your Pregnancy Week by Week. Even as a nurse I had no clue what to expect and found this self explanatory.

You can find a ton of these books used in good condition on EBAY, instead of paying full price.

BabyCenter.com has great resources as well.

You don't have to buy everything new and you don't need to have an expensive nursery. Not sure if you are on Myspace, but I wrote a blog on how I did my nursery to save money. Trust me, you will thank yourself and I get many compliments. Besides a ton of the expensive things get recalled. Be a savvy shopper, just like you are on here. That way you can buy the things you really want for your baby. I am sucker for the clearance section too. =)

First of all, congratulations!!!! Welcome to the wonders (totally sarcastic here) of pregnancy - morning sickness, weight gain and clothes that you feel will never fit again! ..g.:..g.: (just trying to cheer you up a bit.)

I freaked out so much more than my husband. I'm the negative one. I remember going to work, crying all the way there and all the way back to the point where i had to redo all my make-up. I had completely different plans for the pregnancy year. But there's nothing you can do.

All I can say about the emotional aspects is talk, talk, talk to each other about everything. Examine exactly what is freaking him out and making him negative. Are the concerns financial, emotional? It is a huge responsibility but it also is just a fact of life. It becomes much less intimidating when you think of all the other women, single moms or happily married moms who have had babies in all sorts of adverse situations and have managed to live happily with their offspring.

Also, what helped me was what helped Chandler on "Friends." He always freaked out about having kids but when Monica was thought to be pregnant, he went to the gift shop and bought a little onesie and came to the conclusion that anything small enough to fit into a cut little onesie couldn't possibly be as scary as he had always thought. For me, it was looking at little baby socks.

don't think about the baby too much into the future. when i first got pregnant, i was already imagining my kid to be ditching school and doing drugs until i thought about taking it just one day at a time. it made things much less daunting.

Good luck and just remember that god doesn't give to those who aren't truly ready. Eat well and healthy and take a prenatal vitamin. There's nothing much else a doctor could do for you at this point.

Originally Posted by DancingLale

So I found out on Wednesday that I am pregnant. I feel awfully confused, have no idea what to do and just feel utter sense of horror at the idea of being responsible for another little life.

I should explain am happily married in a stable long term relationship, so it's not an "accident" as such, but still a shock. My husband is being really very negative about it, though think he's suffering some shock/terror too.

I can't even begin to process it, and my doctor says he can't see me for four weeks.

I did a bit of internet research as don't know first thing about pregnancy or babies and that just scared me more. Very contradictory about what you should and shouldn't do etc and messed head up more instead of helping me deal with it.

How do you know it's the right thing to do? Is there any advice anywhere to help cope with the emotional effects of being pregnant? Not just for me but specifically for my husband?

Help! Am all a bit lost.

Well, I always say I really enjoyed the book Maybe Baby. It's a collection of personal stories from people who wanted kids, people who weren't sure, people who definitely didn't want them. It put me in a good emotional place to decide I did want kids after all. Of course, I read it before I got pregnant.

The emotional effects - beyond the shock and surprise, you are probably also experiencing a lot of new hormones rushing around! It can feel like a rollercoaster ride. Some people react more emotionally to the hormones than others.

about what you should and shouldn't do...I have taken a pretty laidback approach to this. Some people say that you should cut out all the pleasures in life. I kept having sushi - my favorite food - I just cut out the tuna and other high-mercury fish and stuck to salmon. After the first trimester, I allowed myself the occasional half-glass of wine (Europeans do and their babies aren't all messed up). A lot of things haven't been proven harmful or safe for pregnant women because they can't do testing on pregnant women. You have to make the decisions for yourself based on the best information you can get, and also your doctor can be a good resource. One thing I can say is that basically staying active and fit - and dancing - it can't do you any harm (unless you actually feel pain). It can only help with both the emotions and the physical side effects of pregnancy.

-Nepenthe
(who is 40 weeks and 4 days right now).

Originally Posted by tahiradancer

One of the best books out there is What to Expect When you are Expecting. It's been around for years! (If you are even a little bit of a hypochondriac, don't read the last half of the book!)

that's why I was told NEVER to read it! :-)
I didn't. But my friend leant me "Great Expectations" and I loved that one. Also Your Pregnancy Week By Week that someone else mentioned.

And to concur with someone else on money/buying stuff...
I just went out and bought a lot of things new. Several of my friends were pregnant at the same time, and they found the same things on Craigslist or at yardsales. So I started to troll craigslist - there is so much on there for baby stuff and it can really save you money. Of course, you do want to get a new carseat for safety reasons but almost everything else is available used. Baby Bargains is a GREAT book for saving you money.

Some of the best advice for me (I FREAKED OUT when I was preg) was this: QUIT READING!! I had read myself into an utter panic.

Didn't mean to sound flip up there, but hang on honey, you'll be just fine.

Thanks so much girls.

I am feeling a little more stable now emotionally, still scared, but the terror is a little less all-consuming!

Husband seems to be calming down a bit too as that was making me really anxious so hopefully we'll get there. We've been very busy with work since we found out so we probably won't have a chance to have a proper, proper chat until tomorrow now, but we've managed snatched conversations and he seems to be a bit better.

To read or not to read is a tricky one. I am the kind of the person that the more I understand something the less I fear it. But in this case I feel that being an ostrich and burying my head in the sand is not necessary a bad thing, at least not for the moment anyway.

Sushi, tuna and feta cheese are amongst my absolute top favourite foods so that's a bummer but I appreciate the warning as i'd never have known not to eat them. Why shouldn't I eat them?


Thankfully I stopped smoking three years ago so don't need to deal with that, and I am not really a drinker. I have about two glasses of wine a month! Though since finding out about the pregnancy I've REALLY wanted a drink!

Thanks for the tips too - bellyband looks awesome! And for the bargain saving. Luckily, in some ways, my younger sister had a baby not too long ago (he's 16 months now) so hopefully she'll have some things she can pass on that will help with the finance side of things. Unluckily, it looks like my due date is going to be on her son's second birthday! Poor kids!

Thanks so much for all the support (and the girls who have PM'ed). You lot are amazing.

A book that you might enjoy is The Girlfriend's Guide to Pregnancy which is very funny and full of advice.

For fish and sushi in general, it's several things:
a) parasites in raw food - but my gut doctor says a good sushi chef can see the parasites (they are big) and cut them out.
b) mercury - reallly really bad especially in tuna, swordfish, any of the big fishes that eat little fishes.
c) PCBs in some fresh-caught fish from polluted areas.

However it's really important to get the omega 3 fatty acids in fish - it builds the baby's brain, so you should try to eat salmon or at least take fish oil pills along with your multi-vi.

I guess any unpasteurized cheese is bad, so if you can find pasteurized feta, it shouldn't be a problem. Lunchmeat is the same thing. Both carry a risk of listeriosis, a minor gut disorder that wouldn't hurt most people, but can kill a developing fetus.

You have to be particularly careful especially for the first three months. Many people say its OK to have one cup of coffee per day or one 1/2 glass of wine per day once you're past the first trimester.

I was told not to eat any soft cheese *except* feta and cream cheese. Those I was told were safe, but maybe not? And yes, after the first trimester I think the occasional cup of coffee or glass of wine are fine. Thank God! I do miss my red wine

It's great your sister had a baby recently. She'll be able to help you through this and give you some great advice. She'll be much more understanding than friends that haven't had children; she 'gets' it.

You're going to do awesome! Pregnancy sucks but motherhood is amazing. You're life will be filled with so many blessings you didn't know existed!

Wait til you feel the first kick, then you will see that it is ALIVE. Soon you will have an ultrasound and you will actually see this little life. And ask God to help you cope with this - being responsible for a new life can be overwhelming but let yourself deal with this one day at a time.

Lucky you!! Love yourself, love your body and you will be loving your baby.

Oh yes! the ultrasound and kicking. This helps me remember as the mother of a 15 -year old - teen- ager -who knows -everything-

That motherhood is truly awesome

& on the fatigue side- It takes a lot of energy to make a baby- don't be hard on yourself if you don't have the energy to do 'basic' stuff anymore- growing that baby is way more important than getting all the housework/gardening/etc done. I'm on #4 & it's still hard to forgive myself for not doing everything I *think* I should be doing.

i have been pregnant twice.was married.
i have no children
feel free to PM me

i did not have ANY of the feeling i am reading about on this thread. i have been in dance training since i was 3. i dont know if it is that, my screwed so called childhood , or i was born with out some parts, but all i felt was an alien being inside me, sucking ,me dry....i had to finish a miss carriage with medical procedure.
i hated everything about it.
i gaind 22 lbs in 6 weeks
nope, not my job on the planet this time around. i dont think i have EVER done it in any lifetime.
i am being honest.so dont yell at me.

Zamora, I think it's great that you added your perspective because I honestly don't think that a lot of what you hear about pregnancy is honest. I love my son and wouldn't take it back for the world, but pregnancy SUCKED and there are plenty of days that motherhood does, too. I found nothing glowing, beautiful or magical about pregnancy and childbirth, but from most of what you read/hear you're not "allowed" to feel that way. You're supposed to think that heaving a parasitic watermelon out of your crotch is the BEST THING EVER!!11!1! I've always wondered what happy drugs those women were on because my doctor didn't give me any.

Originally Posted by GenevieveOfAtlanta

You're supposed to think that heaving a parasitic watermelon out of your crotch is the BEST THING EVER!!11!1!

..l;,..l;,..l;,..l;, But isn't it? I mean, who doesn't like pushing out a 7-10lb bowling ball? Or gaining 40+ pounds? Or not reaching their own feet? I also hate pregnancy, but do like having a lil' one.

Originally Posted by GenevieveOfAtlanta

Zamora, I think it's great that you added your perspective because I honestly don't think that a lot of what you hear about pregnancy is honest...(edit)... You're supposed to think that heaving a parasitic watermelon out of your crotch is the BEST THING EVER!!11!1! I've always wondered what happy drugs those women were on because my doctor didn't give me any.

agreed- & that's part of the reason I recommended the doula's guide to childbirth- it has a range of real experiences, not the candy coated fol-de-rol

There are some things I enjoyed about pregnancy, and I apparently have had the right level of hormones to put me on a nice little high during natural childbirth, but I hate being pregnant- nothing but a nuisance for the most part- a tiring, physically demanding process that usually lands me in a bad mood for 7 months if not full out depression. But, I have chosen to value the outcome & for me it makes it worth it. Even after birth, there are days I think it is a miracle my children are still in my presence & alive. I occasionally empathize with those animals who, on occasion, eat their young. On the other hand, my husband is a social worker & I get to hear him vent. There are some perfectly nice people in this world who should never have been parents. I do think it's amazing what people *can* do when they decide to do it, but it is a big challenge and we, as a society, need to recognize that. Nothing bothers me more than a right-to-lifer who forgets about what happens after the child is born. I do consider myself a right-to-lifer, but that includes offering support to children & families afterwards, and I am not *about* to condemn anyone who made different choices than I have. I s'pose that opens me up to a little flaming too, but I've got my asbestos undies on, so there!

Originally Posted by Lara L

*everything*

Thumbs up to all of that!

Originally Posted by GenevieveOfAtlanta

Zamora, I think it's great that you added your perspective because I honestly don't think that a lot of what you hear about pregnancy is honest. I love my son and wouldn't take it back for the world, but pregnancy SUCKED and there are plenty of days that motherhood does, too. I found nothing glowing, beautiful or magical about pregnancy and childbirth, but from most of what you read/hear you're not "allowed" to feel that way. You're supposed to think that heaving a parasitic watermelon out of your crotch is the BEST THING EVER!!11!1! I've always wondered what happy drugs those women were on because my doctor didn't give me any.

I think it's great to have a realistic perspective here. Very refreshing.
I've wondered since I was about 15 if I am the only person on this planet who fears pregnancy and childbirth like the devil fears holy water.
Still indecisive over children yes or no.

I can only speak from friends' experience - particularly one woman lawyer, very tough and kind of sceptical about her pregnancy. She was one of those women who saw her child and was never the same again ,r:; so apparently the sugar coat stories MIGHT happen, just not to everybody.
And yes - the glorification of motherhood and the bright happy feelings every mother to be is supposed to have go way too far to be healthy for mothers to be who cannot or do not want to live up to this standard.

For most women hormones during pregnancy create a kind of euphoria which acts like a natural anti-depressant. I worked with a psychiatrist for a while who would take his patients who were on heavy doses of anti-depressants off because of potential issues with the developing fetus, and most of these women never had a problem with their seritonin levels during their pregnancy. Afterwords, we immediately put them back on their meds and refused to allow them to breast feed. As on nurse said, we would rather deal with minor immunity issue which may well be overcome later in childhood then have you kill your infant!

{{{HUGS}}}