Thread: Unsolicited costume feedback

The thread on pro costuming brought this back to mind...I was at a hafla and saw a dancer performing in a gorgeous eman with her nipple almost on show -the bra halter needed shortening and it needed a little padding. I felt like I should let her know that there had been a costume malfunction, as I would have wanted to know, but as she was an out of town dancer who didn't know me at all, so I debated for a while but decided not to approach her about it in case she was offended and felt I was being rude or bitchy, even if I tried to say it in a nice way. Have any of you been in a similar situation? What would you do? There are so many times I see dancers with straps that need shortening and the like, but I just feel like it might be considered mean or inappropriate to give unsolicited costume feedback (as I wouldnt go up to someone on the street and do it, what gives me the right in a dance context?) I'd be interested in others opinions on this..

If it was before the performance, i would tell her.

I'd only tell her afterwords if I *really* hated her, it would ruin my night to hear something like that, and I'd assume it would ruin hers.

ETA, I can't imagine hating someone that much, though

To me, there are three kinds of unsolicited comments: compliments, remarks that are snide, if not outright insulting, and things that I would be mortified if someone didn't tell me. It's not like you're going up to a stranger and saying "Did you make that yourself? You can hardly tell" or "Ooh, orange is NOT your color!" This is clearly in the third category. I would have gone up to her and said, "I hope you don't mind my saying something, but your bra seems to be shifting off of its designated coverage area, I thought you might want to adjust it before going on stage. I know if my costume did that, I'd want someone to tell me..." If the problem was something fixable with a supply I had in my dance bag like extra safety pins or double-stick tape, I might offer that, but I wouldn't get involved in making sewing recommendations unless the person responded about how that was a chronic problem with this costume and she couldn't figure out how to fix it.

I guess I feel that delicately pointing out an obviously embarrassing situation to a fellow performer is being sisterly, not invasive. If the other person tells me to mind my own business, then I brush it off. Honestly, how much respect can you have for someone who thinks it's okay to flash onstage or walk around with a piece of toilet paper stuck to their shoe anyway?

I agree that it's okay to gently point it out before a performance. I'd be really upset if no one told me about a problem witch my costume.

I'd approach it as 'Oh, dear, your strap is slipping, I have pins, can I help you? That's happened to me before....."

Thing was, I didn't see her before, I saw it during her performance :(

Ahhh, I wouldn't say anything then.

If she's wearing a cover up, the problem has somewhat resolved itself, but if I knew she was doing a second number in the same costume, I would say something, and I would say something if she was wearing the costume around without a cover (which she shouldn't be doing, but sometimes dancers get lax on the rules when they're at dancer-only events).

I would (and have in similar situations) said something after - not like "OMG your nipple was almost popping out while you were dancing", but "You know, that costume is gorgeous but it would look even better if you hiked the girls up and gave yourself some fabulous cleavage." So she doesn't think she was almost showing the audience her nip and get embarrased, but gets the point that the bra isn't really fitting her properly and she should fix it.

... and you can always soften your message by putting the (true) blame on the costume. "Isn't it amazing how no matter how tight you make the hooks and straps on these things, they continue to stretch and stretch?"

Originally Posted by SpicyThai

I agree that it's okay to gently point it out before a performance. I'd be really upset if no one told me about a problem witch my costume.

I'd approach it as 'Oh, dear, your strap is slipping, I have pins, can I help you? That's happened to me before....."

THIS - done in a motherly, concerned way, discreetly and with pins in hand to solve it immediately- I think any dancer would be grateful for a heads up. Another teacher and I ran over to assist a dancer at a Hafla in July who had this situation, she was relieved!

If you tell them afterwards or mention it right before they go on without offering at least a safety pin - that's kind of mean spirited. If they feel they look fine they'll tell you, but I'd sure want someone to let me know.

I would want to be told kindly before I performed especially if assistance to correct was offered. I would also like to be told kindly after a performance so I could see to it that it didn't happen again. Or, if you didn't feel comfortable telling me perhaps seek out a troupe mate that does know the dancer and let her know. If you noticed it during a performance, others likely did too. We had a fellow dance mate whose top looked fine until she got out there and danced. Every time she raised her arms (which was frequently) her girls in a regula bra slipped below the hem of her choli top. She had no idea and was embarrassed after the performance, but thanked us for telling her.

Telling her beforehand is really the best. I'm not sure what telling her afterward would do, except make her paranoid and wonder if her nipple was flashing during the performance.

Yeah, even after the performance, I would really want someone to tell me (kindly, with a sisterly attitude, and with concrete suggestions to fix it!). But I break the golden rule, because I would never offer such constructive criticism to anybody else. You just don't know if it would come across as hurtful or helpful. There is one person in particular I remember watching perform... in the old lingerie bra with a few coins sewed to it. (And a GP audience.) It was not only not a costume, but it didn't flatter her, either. She just looked so unhappy and uncomfortable. I think she must have been quite new to dance. I wanted to offer my sewing skills, and say, "Let's make you feel great about yourself!" Or at least give her the URL for Shira's Costume Corner... But I didn't want to be hurtful.

I wouldn't say it unless she asked for advice. We are only in control of ourselves. So I try to let everyone else do them. If it was dangerous then I'd intercede but she's not going to kill anyone with a nipple. Maybe she likes it like that.

Tough question. To this day, I am still traumatized by the time I lost a belt as a baby-dancer. If I can help somebody avoid a wardrobe malfunction, then I should probably say something.

Of course, there's also the possibility that the dancer might panic and spend the entire rest of her show feeling paranoid that she might "expose" herself. (I'd probably feel that way!) But at least she's had the heads-up and a chance to fix that problem.

Oh, and being paranoid about nip slips was the numero uno reason why I stopped wearing Emans. I probably would've made a sympathetic comment to the dancer (while pinning her into place) about how Dina bras are nothing but trouble for me. What Nabila said - blame the costume, not the dancer!

Originally Posted by kina

If it was before the performance, i would tell her.

Speaking for myself, if the situation was NOT something that could be fixed before I actually dance, I'd rather not hear it before I perform. It would make me very self-conscious the whole time I'm performing.

Originally Posted by kina

I'd only tell her afterwords if I *really* hated her, it would ruin my night to hear something like that, and I'd assume it would ruin hers.

I think there are ways this could be conveyed that would NOT ruin a person's night. And if it is so ill-fitting to be distracting, I think it would be a kindness to tell her, so long as it's done with diplomacy. Some of the other suggestions on this thread sound fine to me. Basically, "That's a beautiful costume, but before the next time you wear it, you might want to shorten the neck strap so that it won't slip around quite so much... And oh, I really enjoyed your performance, especially the part where you ____" wouldn't ruin my night.

If it is somebody one does not know, it is a bit more iffy.

However, in general, I think it is a good thing to help others avoid embarassment. So, I am all for kindly and diplomatically alerting a dancer of a costume issue that she may not be aware of. It could also be good to under-emphasize the issue and express compassion instead of critique, like "I think I noticed during a brief moment that your bra cup was misbehaving in a way I once struggled with. I don't think anybody else noticed and I may be a bit overly worried, but I just wanted to relate my experience, so that you can double-check next time wear this beautiful costume. Where did you get it, btw?"

I actually did that a few days after for a friend who danced at a local event. I know that many people saw a costume malfunction, but nobody (including people closer to her) told her, and she was not aware of the problem - I have no doubt that I did the right thing. I would want others to make the same effort helping me, and not consider that evidence of hating me at all, quite the opposite.

I think SteffiB's advice is spot on.
It's an Eman- she's GOING to wear it again and would benefit from knowing so that she can adjust it better. I would appreciate knowing and would take kindly given advice about an "almost woops" in the spirit in which it was given.

I figure if it is something that I would want to be told about I will tell the other person. It’s like having TP stuck to the bottom of my shoe or food stuck in my teeth – please tell me anything embarrassing about myself as soon as possible so I can fix the problem before I embarrass myself further!

If no one tells her about her costume, she’s probably going to keep wearing it as is without making any adjustments and she may slip out in the future. If you can get in touch with her a day or two after the show, you should tell her before she wears the costume again. Yes, she may be embarrassed about that one show, but think of the future humiliation you are preventing.

I'd say nothing if it couldn't be fixed ahead of time, and only in terms of the nipple show risk. You just never know what a person likes or wants.

How would you like it if you were walking down the street in what you felt was a nice outfit and somebody came up and said "you know you would look so much better if you did something different with your hair/let that out/wore it in orange". Maybe you don't like orange and you love your hair.

OTOH, when someone comes up to you and says "um, I just thought I would tell you that you have a tear in the back of your jeans and it is quite big" then you're embarrassed but forever grateful. (This has happened to me!)

Even with the seemingly uncomfortable dancer in the unflattering lingerie outfit - I had a student who just WOULD NOT add enough stuff to her costume bra and it really did look like undies with a few sequins. When I suggested it needed more coverage she said "well I want to be able to wash it." And she was only dancing in school events and was really QUITE determined, so...

Similarly I have known dancers who looked grim but felt quite confident, they just haven't learned to show it on their faces.

Here is an article that starts with a very humorous episode on memorable costume-related feedback between friends: Belly Dance News & Events – Gilded Serpent » Blog Archive » A Bust to be Proud Of … -- I can't help it, I giggle every single time I play that scene in my head!

Originally Posted by *Shira*

Speaking for myself, if the situation was NOT something that could be fixed before I actually dance, I'd rather not hear it before I perform. It would make me very self-conscious the whole time I'm performing.



I think there are ways this could be conveyed that would NOT ruin a person's night. And if it is so ill-fitting to be distracting, I think it would be a kindness to tell her, so long as it's done with diplomacy. Some of the other suggestions on this thread sound fine to me. Basically, "That's a beautiful costume, but before the next time you wear it, you might want to shorten the neck strap so that it won't slip around quite so much... And oh, I really enjoyed your performance, especially the part where you ____" wouldn't ruin my night.

Guess we all have different perspectives. For myself, i would want to know so I'd have the opportunity to fix it. I was taught to have the basics on me, needle, thread, lot's of safety pins, etc. to deal with things.


I'd be enormously grateful to someone who alerted me.

Lot's of the suggestions on the thread about how to approach someone seem reasonable to me. I still wouldn't do it.

I might approach that person later, at another point and offer to work with them on costuming, on what works and doesn't for them, but it would ruin my night to find out that I was flashing the audience AFTER the fact.

But maybe that's just me, I'm not known for my diplomacy ,r:;

For the love of god, even if you don't know me, if there was even a moment where you thought my nip was going to pop or god forbid did pop, tell me. Before, after and even during if you can do it with out getting on the floor!

Tell me before I go on. Please.

Once I've danced, let it go. I do not want anyone widdling on my post-performance cloud.

The next day, if you are a good friend of mine (random strangers can ignore this bit), let me know that I need to tighten those straps. Kindly.

Originally Posted by kina

Guess we all have different perspectives. For myself, i would want to know so I'd have the opportunity to fix it. I was taught to have the basics on me, needle, thread, lot's of safety pins, etc. to deal with things.

When I posted my earlier message, I was thinking in terms of a recent incident where I was in a dressing room, preparing to perform within 30 minutes, wearing a brand-new costume purchased an hour earlier. (Long story involving airline failing to get my luggage to me and me running out to buy a new costume so that I wouldn't have to cancel my appearance in that show, which the promotional material had advertised me as being a performer in.)

Anyway, another dancer (a long-time friend) saw me in the brand-new costume and started going on and on about her fear that a certain design feature of it might cause a wardrobe malfunction. I was already stressed about the combination of the missing luggage, the rush to buy something new, and the fact that I had never rehearsed in the new costume. I *should* have been spending those 30 minutes calming my inner self and putting myself in the mood to perform, but instead I had to cope with this person insistently nagging me about the costume.

My sewing kit was in the missing luggage, but even if it had been with me, the type of change she was recommending would have taken a couple of hours of work with a sewing machine, and required extra fabric that obviously was unavailable to me, having just bought the costume less than an hour earlier.

I politely told her that I understood what she was saying, I owned two other costumes by the same designer with a similar design feature, and I was familiar with the issue she was worried about. I assured her that photos taken of me performing in those other costumes showed that the thing she was worried about wasn't likely to be an issue. And she still wouldn't let it drop - she insisted, "But those were other costumes, you haven't seen photos of you in THIS costume."

So instead of going on to perform in a calmed, centered state of mind, I went on to perform with this nagging voice still rattling around in my head. I think the performance went okay, because the music helped put me into the right state of mind once it started, but I still was unhappy that she literally harassed me about this thing for 30 minutes straight, not shutting up about it for even a minute, right up to the minute that I was announced to go on.

That's why I said in my earlier message that if the costume issue is not something that can be fixed BEFORE the performance, please don't add to the dancer's pre-performance stress levels.

Of course, if it can be addressed with a sewing kit, safety pins, and just a few minutes of tweaking, then that's a different matter, and I agree in that case it's good to help her out.

A rather well known dancer once performed not 3 feet in front of me in a white sheer dress. I could see panties, thighs and ....um....camel toe!
It was distracting and rude. I don't want to see someone's cooter so close to my face unless I asked for it! I was really embarassed for her. My long time friend and teacher told her afterwards in case she didn't know. But this dancer was more than aware and blamed in on the lighting in the studio which was overhead. So she wasn't backlit she was just trying to be sexy or something. Gross!

I am forever thankful to someone backstage who showed me the trick of putting concealer on one's nipples when wearing a really low cut bra.

Originally Posted by Linnyg

For the love of god, even if you don't know me, if there was even a moment where you thought my nip was going to pop or god forbid did pop, tell me. Before, after and even during if you can do it with out getting on the floor!

Me too please! Most of us wear a costume more than once and if I was not informed about the almost nip slip it would likely happen again.
This reminds me of last week when I was walking around all day in my fave thread bare skirt and once I got home my husband had to tell me "uh honey I can see your underwere right through that skirt" eep! I took stock of all the people I saw that day I thought to myself "ya know maybe not my friends."

Originally Posted by eshtabellydance

A rather well known dancer once performed not 3 feet in front of me in a white sheer dress. I could see panties, thighs and ....um....camel toe!
It was distracting and rude. I don't want to see someone's cooter so close to my face unless I asked for it! I was really embarassed for her. My long time friend and teacher told her afterwards in case she didn't know. But this dancer was more than aware and blamed in on the lighting in the studio which was overhead. So she wasn't backlit she was just trying to be sexy or something. Gross!

I don't know the details of this particular situation, but it wouldn't be the first time someone became defensive and said they did something on purpose, rather than admit to the embarrassing mistake of doing something they should have known better not to do.

she knew. she definitely knew. Because she had already done it a bunch of times apparently.