Thread: "Will you keep a secret?" WWBD?

A friend of mine, Mandy, is in a bit of a pickle and I don't really know what to tell her... We could really use someone's wisdom, please! I hope none of these people visit Bhuz, lol. >.<

...

Should Mandy just tell Anita or keep quiet and either risk it leaking in casual conversation or actively lie to keep it covered? As a teacher, would you even want someone to tell you, even if Bunny is harmless? This mess sounds so silly. WWBD?

This honestly sounds like a high school flashback to me and certainly not a game I would play.

Mandy needs to stand up to plate, and tell Bunny to do her own dirty work. Anita is going to find out. How about doing the mature thing and telling her, herself?

How silly...

Exactly! I thought these social games were left behind long ago... guess some people don't let it go. If Bunny wants to sneak around she shouldn't have dragged Mandy along, and I don't see what the big deal is to tell Anita if they are all friends, anyway...

Thanks a lot for your input Adi!

I think the same thing. Mandy needs to tell Bunny that she does not want to be involved in her drama and to leave her out of it. She should also let her know that she will not lie to a friend again for her so she should probley just fess up. I hate stupid games.

Originally Posted by Linnyg

I think the same thing. Mandy needs to tell Bunny that she does not want to be involved in her drama and to leave her out of it. She should also let her know that she will not lie to a friend again for her so she should probley just fess up. I hate stupid games.

exactly. bunny needs to step up to the plate, and she also needs to not drag other people into it. if I were mandy, I'd tell bunny that she (bunny) needs to 'fess up to anita by X date or I would tell anita myself.

Ditto everyone else. What are Bunny's goals? Does she want to wait until her students learn a choreo and can perform in a hafla to spring it on Anita? Oh, no, that wont' cause any hurt feelings. Is she just looking for a little bit of teaching money? Does she think it's prestigious to be a teacher (qualified or not)?

This is just crappy, childish behaviour. Mandy might think she and Bunny are friends, but I don't think Bunny knows the meaning of the word. Right now, Mandy can tell Anita that she just didn't know what to do so she didn't do anything until she decided. If it goes on too much longer, Anita won't trust Mandy either (frankly, neither would I). Bunny is the reason that three girls can't play together in a sandbox.

^ I think Bunny was proud of the job offer and took it but deep down felt like a Suzy Nippletassle and the feeling faded...

You each make very good points. Guess the answer was right there all along. Thanks a lot, guys! Hearing it from a number of you really helps!

Bleh--you know, Adi hit it on the head: High school BS. Scratch that--Junior high BS. Maybe worse. I think my 13-year old niece communicates better.

Sadly, you see this kind of stupidity all the time, and it serves no purpose. This kind of "secretivity" NEVER has any point but to cause division and alienation between people. Even when someone *claims* the secret is supposedly to spare someone else...it basically never *really* is. The person requesting the secret has her own motivation related to her own wants, insecurities, or desire to show the other person up somehow (even if she hasn't admitted to herself what that motivation is.)

So, yeah, to echo what the others said, Mandy needs to tell Bunny to suck it up--she's not going to cover for her any more.

I think Bunny should be ashamed of herself for putting Mandy in that predicament. Bunny needs to take a long hard look at her reasoning for giving lessons if she needs to keep them a secret.
Really, really, juvenille.

Back when I was first preparing to teach, I kept my intentions secret. I didn't tell anyone in the belly dance community (not even my teacher) about my plans until after I had secured the position, signed the paperwork, and taught my first night of class.

Why? Because I was concerned that if word got out to the belly dance community that a certain venue was currently without a teacher, that there'd be a stampede of people all trying to compete with me for the job. Sure enough, once my spot was secured and I told my teacher about it, she said, "I wish I'd known there was an opening there. I would have applied too."

Similarly, when I decided to move to Iowa, I kept my relocation plans secret, hand-picked a qualified teacher to replace me at the place and introduced her to the people I'd worked with as someone I could recommend with confidence, and waited until she'd had time to do the follow-through before I announced my relocation.

So there CAN be valid reason to keep your INTENTIONS to teach secret, at least until you finalize the plans. Though I'd agree that the scenario in the original post sounds like the person is trying to keep a class she is ALREADY teaching secret, and that's an entirely different situation.

Originally Posted by *Shira*

Back when I was first preparing to teach, I kept my intentions secret. ... So there CAN be valid reason to keep your INTENTIONS to teach secret, at least until you finalize the plans. Though I'd agree that the scenario in the original post sounds like the person is trying to keep a class she is ALREADY teaching secret, and that's an entirely different situation.

Oh, absolutely, Shira--I agree. There are perfectly valid reasons at times to keep underwraps certain things that you're working on/things that haven't come to fruition yet. I don't think most of us would dispute that. I think the two issues at play here are:

1. It's not an intention/preparation--it's actually happened. It would be one thing to tell a friend "I'm thinking about doing this--but please don't tell anyone else because I don't want everyone else to jump all over it." It's another to say "I'm doing this but please don't tell so and so because..." (What? I don't want her to know? I think she'll be mad if she finds out? I want to make sure she feels as mystified as possible about why I didn't just say so in the first place when she *does* find out? What?)
2. Bunny's not keeping it to herself--she's pulling Mandy into it, even though it doesn't directly involve Mandy, and then expecting Mandy to hide information from a third party they supposedly both trust and like. Thus she's creating an impression that there's something to hide, and leading Mandy to a situation where she feels she must either be deceptive or betray Bunny's confidence. Whatever the *stated intention* Bunny's forcing Mandy to choose between her and Anita effectively.

That's different all together.

Why is she afraid to tell her instructor that she's teaching? When I decided to start teaching, one thought that I had is that my instructor might not like it for some reason - she would see me as taking away potential students or something like that. So I asked her what she thought of me starting to teach. She was very supportive, gave me lots of advice and encouragement, and I was very glad that I talked to her about it.
I understand, I think, that the instructor made a comment about people starting to teach too soon, which we all know is a problem. But was she referring specifically to Bunny (or Mandy, whoever is teaching and doesn't want the instructor to know, I got confused)? Maybe if that's the reason she's hiding it, she would be pleasantly surprised to see the instructor's reaction. It's a lot better to have her support than to hide it from her and ask others to cover it up. That will just cause bad feelings. And if it is too soon for her to start teaching, in the instructor's opinion, there might be some things she wants to consider improving upon before she goes any further with it.

Originally Posted by Shakifan

I hope none of these people visit Bhuz, lol. >.<

Always assume that if you post about someone they'll find out. The bellydance world is a small and closely connected community.

I have nothing to add to what's been said above. Or maybe I do...

In the adult world -- , the business world -- Bunny's behavior and Mandy's quiet collusion can be perceived by others as not only childish, but sinister. To start a business (and a class IS a part-time business) that competes for clients with your friends' business and NOT TELL HER you're her competitor, even though you're spending time with her, is VERY shady behavior. It doesn't matter whether your reason for doing so is a desire to hear all her business secrets, steal her lesson plans, or if you're just immaturely afraid of her disapproval. It's just wrong. If you're not mature enough to relate to others in an adult way, then you're certainly not ready to teach on any level.

Worse, she's heard Anita say that she doesn't allow other teachers in her class, and yet she keeps coming???? I would allow other teachers in my own class, but if I knew a teacher felt differently I'd certainly respect her wishes.