Thread: Feeling Down - Need Advice

I have been thinking about this for a while now. I have never been the best dancer which is fine. I had a teacher for several years that used to tell me – constantly – that I was not good and would never be good enough to perform gigs. Sadly, I realized that she was emotionally abusing me. I am no longer a student of hers but the damage is done.

I have been working hard to build myself up and take control again. I started teaching again which has really boosted my self esteem. I have had a few performances out in public to help shed away that negative “not good enough” label.

My issues, I cannot get past that hurdle that my previous teacher had placed in front of me. I am extremely critical of myself and actually turn down opportunities because I feel I am not “good enough”.

I have made a mental decision that I need to either step up my game or drop out. Because I love this dance so much, I refuse to drop out.

Any advice on how I move forward?

I have ideas but I also do not want to overwhelm myself with too much. Like anything, I need to set short and long term goals. I need to set my sights to a realistic level. I need to honor myself and not let this consume me. My family comes first and always will. My son needs me.

Sorry – feeling lost and a little helpless. I guess I am just being a little ultra-sensitive today.

Hi,

As performers we will always hear things that hurt, because we put ourselves out there. I think you might be helped by having a very positive teacher who is very encouraging. It is one thing to soldier on on your own but it's so much better in a community. That would be my advice. We are all here, in the end, for the love of the dance, and I think frequently we forget that. If you love the dance then it is a part of you and you should not deny that part.

I hope you feel better soon.

Have you ever thought that your old teacher may have been jealous of you? I would think if you enjoy dancing then you s*ddin' well carry on doing it. If it makes you feel happy, don't stop!!! Just do what you feel comfortable doing in regards to performing. I'm sure that the more you do, the more confidence you will get back.
Just remember you're not on your own, us fellow Bhuzzer's are here to help cheer you up.

Originally Posted by ravenadesigns

I have been working hard to build myself up and take control again. I started teaching again which has really boosted my self esteem. I have had a few performances out in public to help shed away that negative “not good enough” label.

<snippetty snip>

I have ideas but I also do not want to overwhelm myself with too much. Like anything, I need to set short and long term goals. I need to set my sights to a realistic level. I need to honor myself

These all sound like really positive statements, Ravena, you just need to stay focussing on the positive, and I'm sure you'll get your mojo in fine working order.

I agree, find a positive mentor!

As for ridding yourself of the inner critic and positively programming yourself for success :), I would highly recommend meditation and/or prayer, as well as The Artist's Way: A Spiritual Path to Higher Creativity by Julia Cameron, along with the related workbook and morning pages journal. You will find a synopsis and over 200 reader reviews at Amazon.com, for example.

Happy shimmies!


Khalida

I don't want to get into specifics, but I went through something very similar, as I didn't meet the specific "decor" that this former instructor liked to see in restaurants. Took me a year to work up the courage to hit the performance circuit again, and hell, I'm still working on it....but you can absolutely bounce back if you put some heart, soul, spirit, and thought into it.

I think you did the right thing by distancing yourself from this individual, as toxic dynamics in a teacher-student relationship can build up over time and ultimately make you resent the dance itself. Definitely seek out an instructor who excels in helping students establish themselves as performers - somebody who bypasses the politics and won't be threatened by your drive to succeed. Similarly, seek out like-minded individuals in your community with similar goals and ethics. It really helps to have a support system when the dance is bringing you down.

Also, remember to move forward with good intentions. This is the hardest part, because it's way too easy to let your negative feelings consume you. You don't have to like the teacher who hurt you, or associate with her if you don't want to, and you don't have to agree with the way she treated you....but try your absolute hardest to put everything neatly in the past and rediscover everything you love about the dance. Delve back into workshops, costume design, community performances, dancing around in your living room when nobody's watching - whatever it is that makes you happiest. Capture and embody this positivity. And radiate it whenever you perform. The people who matter will love you for it.

Please don't turn down any opportunities out of fear that you're not good enough. You are good enough and each performance will make you better! As much as you may be hurting, remember that this situation is in the past and no longer your problem....your only obligation is to be the best you can be.

Good luck!

One thought I had when I read your post is that if you are having opportunities or being given opportunities to perform you can't be all that bad!

As someone who is a bit of a perfectionist and therefore very hard on myself, I have to constantly remind myself to just keep plodding along at the goals I have set for myself.

Giving up is not an option because I love this dance so much.

Sitting around crying about what I haven't accomplished yet or haven't mastered yet is not productive.

So I set goals and I just chip away at them. There are lows, plateaus and then unexpectedly come those wonderful highs that carry me along and show me that I am moving onward and upward no matter how imperceptible the progress may seem.

So my advice is to do what you've already decided - don't give up, set some goals and then get to work. Put your head down and just do the work. You will be surprised at how much you can accomplish, how opportunities open up, how your feeling about yourself can and will change.

Wow what a terrible story!! You’re ex teacher sounds like a loser! and to be honest what could you ever learn from a person like this. It sound that she was VERY jealous of you my dear girl. I encourage you to get a large amount of DVDs from the best teacher out their Keti Sharif A-Z and for sure get the 5 part serious you should get that first as this is 5 DVDs that will really enrich you personally, emotionally it will teach you about the meaning of the dance all the Arabic tabla rhythms ect.. alot of knowledge it will empower you to go on. Also, talk to people in music about rhythms and beats and they will tech you how to count to the music and be in time to the music(If you can do this your almost there ) maybe someone who plays a guitar or drums... as they know beats rhythm, timing ect...


Plus, Find another teacher as well , if that helps and it should be fun not depleting you. Also, find a teacher who provides live music/ or drum or find an opportunity to dance to live music. But this will be your best learning!!!

I had a Lebanese boyfriend who was a loser and said to me you will never be a belly dancer look at you. You have no breast and no hips, plus you’re a blonde white girl, so I grabbed so padding and put it in my bra, grew some hips ha-ha, and threw on some fake tan. What I thought would be a major weakness (blonde blue eyes) ended up being uniqueness and I work allot.
I atleast 10 performances a weekend every weekend.


If I listened to everyone in my life who told me that I could do something I would of done nothing in my life…because it happens a lot! Especially in this country egalitarianism is so prevalent.

So even when people tell you to give up NEVER give up!!!! show them that there wrong!!!!


K xx

Originally Posted by gympie4570

I had a Lebanese boyfriend who was a loser and said to me you will never be a belly dancer look at you. You have no breast and no hips, plus you’re a blonde white girl, so I grabbed so padding and put it in my bra, grew some hips ha-ha, and threw on some fake tan. What I thought would be a major weakness (blonde blue eyes) ended up being uniqueness and I work allot.
I atleast 10 performances a weekend every weekend

Good for you! ..g.: You give me hope that a non-exotic looking skinny chick like me can get ahead!

So far, I may have worked on my tan and darkened my hair, but I'm busting my hump at the gym and wearing sleek, scandalous costumes so I can play up my "unorthodox" athletic slimness. And guess what? Audiences are eating it up.

Just goes to show two things: 1. who the f*ck are some people to think they can decide what a BDer should and shouldn't look like? and 2. never underestimate the immense marketability of being commercially "nontraditional"

Sorry for the threadjack. But seriously. Life's too short to let the bastards bring us down. Onwards and upwards!

You have already received very good advice. But I still think it is just that
she has "grown" inside your thinking, and all you need to do is get her out of your system.

I have some experience on similar issue in my daily working life, and I noticed that the solution is to repeat several times per day "I forgive her/him(name)". You don't have to believe that, just repeat. For me, a miracle happened and I started to let it go and not to think the words that hurt me. I am working with my problematic person even today but we are ok, because I was able to change my thinking pattern.

Maybe this sounds crazy, but it does not cost you anything to try. And if it works, you will feel more free.

My teacher cut me down, and I gave up thinking I could ever do better.
I regret I wasted a lot of years, giving up dancing, or trying to do better.
I shouldn't have mentioned that I'd love to become a professional.
She said something along the lines, "There are millions wanting the same thing right behind you."
My twin told me I should have said "Well...at least they're BEHIND ME!"
Now I'm back in class.
(I am dealing with some jealousy issues. Maybe I'll post on another thread.)
I don't want to go pro anymore (too many surgerys, I don't think I look pretty enough).
I do want to perform some of my own choreos, for class recital though.

DON'T GIVE UP!!!
Sounds like you're doing a great job as a dancer, and a teacher!

thank you all so very much. I am learning that there is a lot more positive people out there. My husband used to say she was jealous. I guess I never believed that but to hear you all say that - things are looking that way. I guess I am just too modest to think someone would be jealous of me ..l;,

Anyway - she is out of my life. I am working to move forward. I think the teacher route is a good one. I need to find someone that can help me build on my skills and self-confidence. I think that is key. Once that is built up, I feel that everything will soon fall into place.

Starting my search today to find a teacher. My time is limited but maybe I can find someone local who I can work with. I know that I can and these great teachers are out there.

Will continue reading your advice. Thank you all - it took a lot of guts for me to write this. I think this is a turning point for me. Thank you.

Originally Posted by ravenadesigns

thank you all so very much. I am learning that there is a lot more positive people out there. My husband used to say she was jealous. I guess I never believed that but to hear you all say that - things are looking that way. I guess I am just too modest to think someone would be jealous of me ..l;,

Anyway - she is out of my life. I am working to move forward. I think the teacher route is a good one. I need to find someone that can help me build on my skills and self-confidence. I think that is key. Once that is built up, I feel that everything will soon fall into place.

Starting my search today to find a teacher. My time is limited but maybe I can find someone local who I can work with. I know that I can and these great teachers are out there.

Will continue reading your advice. Thank you all - it took a lot of guts for me to write this. I think this is a turning point for me. Thank you.

Good for you - it's hard not to get emotional about these things, but it's things like this that make us step back and re-evaluate our priorities and make us happier in the long run. Now, you know what to look for to feel content with the classes you are paying for.

Have fun!

Can't think of anything to add...

Churchill called depression "the old black dog." Stop giving the old dog scraps (your energy and time) and send him down the road! I'm sure there are some great teachers in your area... I don't know where you are, but I'm in Oklahoma... and there are several great teachers here, somehow!

It sounds like you're feeling a little more optimistic... you can always come here.
((((((Ravena HUGS)))))))

Suzan

Years ago, I went through something similar, with a teacher who was a user, & BD "friends" who were the same, though I refused to see it at the time. My partner, too, tried to warn me about them, said they were jealous of my talent, I just blew him off (I'm NOT all that). I did not believe him, I learned he was right about my "friends" and teacher, both, unfortunately. (don't you hate it when your man is right?! LOL they so love to be right as it is!) I unfortunately still see some of the "friends" & that teacher, who have managed to make a name for themselves in our local community, whilst me & my family alone seem to understand who they REALLY are. And this does affect the family - you mentioned your son - I can relate. Any negative experience I have in the bellydance community directly affects my family. They hurt when I hurt, and explaining the childish behavior of adults to my children has been quite a challenge on more than one occasion.

I echo the sentiments of another bhuzzer who said that if you are getting asked to do gigs, you can't be that bad! You must trust in your abilities and build on them to grow.

(Those who said athletic bodies are not popular as bellydancers, I beg to differ. Where do you live, as I want to move there! You need to be in my community - here, the thinner you are the better. I am descriminated against in my community because I am a size 12 instead of the popular 2, or 0, that's even better. And it's not just me, any dancer w/any extra weight is not taken seriously because of her size).

I do not know if getting involved in a community is the answer, either. In your vulnerable state, the "wolves" in the bellydance community, and they are there whether we like to acknowledge it or not, may smell blood and pounce. I'd say, yes, find a different teacher if you can, but don't let anyone in too close or too fast and bide your time. Otherwise, there are some great bellydance videos out there by Ansuya, Jillina, Delilah, etc. These will increase your skills and keep you current.

I really feel your pain and wish that there was a way for those teachers and fellow dancers who treat bellydancers in an emotionally abusive or manipulative manner as you and I were treated to be called on the carpet and reprimanded maybe, like a Better Business Bureau for bellydancers or something. So that the newbee's don't get treated the same. Imagine how many OTHER dancers this teacher has done this to, how many potential bellydancers she has discouraged and turned away with her sour attitude and jealous disposition?

"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter." Martin Luther King, Jr.

Love and good vibes,
Eve

thank you all.

This may be wrong to say but I take comfort in knowing that I am not alone and that I can overcome this.

Originally Posted by SatinWorship19

I don't want to get into specifics, but I went through something very similar, as I didn't meet the specific "decor" that this former instructor liked to see in restaurants. Took me a year to work up the courage to hit the performance circuit again, and hell, I'm still working on it....but you can absolutely bounce back if you put some heart, soul, spirit, and thought into it.

I think you did the right thing by distancing yourself from this individual, as toxic dynamics in a teacher-student relationship can build up over time and ultimately make you resent the dance itself. Definitely seek out an instructor who excels in helping students establish themselves as performers - somebody who bypasses the politics and won't be threatened by your drive to succeed. Similarly, seek out like-minded individuals in your community with similar goals and ethics. It really helps to have a support system when the dance is bringing you down.

Also, remember to move forward with good intentions. This is the hardest part, because it's way too easy to let your negative feelings consume you. You don't have to like the teacher who hurt you, or associate with her if you don't want to, and you don't have to agree with the way she treated you....but try your absolute hardest to put everything neatly in the past and rediscover everything you love about the dance. Delve back into workshops, costume design, community performances, dancing around in your living room when nobody's watching - whatever it is that makes you happiest. Capture and embody this positivity. And radiate it whenever you perform. The people who matter will love you for it.

Please don't turn down any opportunities out of fear that you're not good enough. You are good enough and each performance will make you better! As much as you may be hurting, remember that this situation is in the past and no longer your problem....your only obligation is to be the best you can be.

Good luck!

HERE HERE WELL SAID!!

If you perform there will always be negative feelings-what you have to learn is a inner serenity a cushioning agaisnt it so you are truly Teflon woman-nothing sticks and you take nothing negative home with you then you face the world with a positivity that conquers all-but that is hard because it comes from within-its not arrogance its just a confidence that allows people to both like you and dislike you and it just rolls off you because you like you. good luck

Originally Posted by ravenadesigns

My issues, I cannot get past that hurdle that my previous teacher had placed in front of me. I am extremely critical of myself and actually turn down opportunities because I feel I am not “good enough”.

My modern dance teacher was a very bitter woman who did something similar to me when I was in high school. She kept telling me that I was "too fat" to be a "real" dancer. I was 5'6" and weight between 100 to 115 pounds durng those four years. 20 years later and I still have issues with food most days. I learned later on to imagine those horrid things she used to say to me as patterns in a rug and to dance on that mental "rug". If I was dancing on top of them, they couldn't reach up and drag me down to their level. It sounds silly but it helped a lot.
Something else that might help you feel more confident about accepting dance opportunities is to give yourself a practical checklist and if you can check off everything on it, take the job.
For example:
Do you already have plans for the day/time? Nope
Is it withing a reasonble distance? Yep
Is the pay worth the time you'll spend? Yep
Take the job
It helps keep you focused on the practical side of accepting a gig and keeps you from focusing on the "am I good enough" for it mental/emotional response that you are battling with.
Just my two cents worth...you might want to find a wishing well for it and make a wish instead...*grin*

I second Julia Cameron's "The Artist Way", it helped me overcome my own demons of self-critisism and procrastination and changed my general attitude to life.

Originally Posted by ravenadesigns

I have been thinking about this for a while now. I have never been the best dancer which is fine. I had a teacher for several years that used to tell me – constantly – that I was not good and would never be good enough to perform gigs. Sadly, I realized that she was emotionally abusing me. I am no longer a student of hers but the damage is done.

I have been working hard to build myself up and take control again. I started teaching again which has really boosted my self esteem. I have had a few performances out in public to help shed away that negative “not good enough” label.

My issues, I cannot get past that hurdle that my previous teacher had placed in front of me. I am extremely critical of myself and actually turn down opportunities because I feel I am not “good enough”.

I have made a mental decision that I need to either step up my game or drop out. Because I love this dance so much, I refuse to drop out.

Any advice on how I move forward?

I have ideas but I also do not want to overwhelm myself with too much. Like anything, I need to set short and long term goals. I need to set my sights to a realistic level. I need to honor myself and not let this consume me. My family comes first and always will. My son needs me.

Sorry – feeling lost and a little helpless. I guess I am just being a little ultra-sensitive today.

Having a positive and encouraging environment makes a big difference. I was fortunate enough in my early days of drumming to be allowed to drum with professional musicians in a dance class. It was low pressure and gave me the experience needed to evaluate where I was and what I needed to work on.

My advice is to start small and embrace making mistakes in a small, safe environment. That is how you learn. It's good risk management practice for bigger gigs.