Thread: my 1st angry student!!

Holy Sh*t! I just got the most angry email from a (former?!) student. I'm totally shocked because in over 5 years of teaching I've never had someone flame me in an email before (see copy below). Now mind you this woman quietly left class about 5 minutes early one night & never came back. In her email she's upset b/c I didn't help her but I clearly remember the night she left & we spent extra time working together on the move we covered so I'm so confused.
I sent her the following reply & hope it can turn her around but I'm honestly kind of hurt that she resorted to insults and anger instead of letting me know there was a problem. Why do some people avoid communicating?..c::
What else can I do? I hate the thought of someone spreading negative reviews when they didn't give me a fair chance to fix things!!

I an very disappointed in this class. I walked out on the second class after your return because you were not waiting until everyone caught on. I did not join this class to become a professional dancer , just wanted to have fun. When your students are not all on the same page, and you don't try to help them it's not fun. My friend left also. So there is 260.00 down the drain from us. The CD's didn't work either neither one of them. Again, We are disappointed. I will not recommend this class to anyone and I work at XYZZZZZ and this was part of our resource center that we refer our patients to. Very sad. i hope you don't teach school like dance.

My reply:

I am sorry your experience was so unhappy. I wish that you had taken time to let me know you were having a hard time keeping up. I watch all my students & do move around the room to help students who are struggling. I noticed you left the class early & assumed you had another commitment. If you had contacted me sooner to discuss your frustruation, I would have gladly slowed the pace of the class down & made arrangements to spend extra time before or after class to keep you get caught up if necessary. I have done this many times for students who requested extra help.
As for the CDs, because I am burning so many at once, it does happen that some do not play. I did give you a replacement cd. Again, if you had come to me sooner, I could have done more to correct the situation.
I'd like to try and make this up to you. I know that you are upset about this experience, however belly dance is fun & a great way to connect with your body. I've taught many happy students over the past 5 years & want every person to have a positive experience. If you and XXX will give me a second chance, I would like to offer you both a spot in my January class at no charge. I pledge to connect more personally with you and move at a pace that is comfortable for you. I do teach a routine for every session, however it is just one aspect of the class. In the past several weeks we have learned some new moves, but have also enjoyed dancing in each other's company & also focused on some deep muscle conditioning.
Please let me know if you would be willing to try again. If after a second attempt you are still unhappy, I will make arrangements to refund a portion of the course fees.

I believe that she wasn't learning what she thought she was going to learn, not that you weren't teaching. IOW, her anger is at herself and she's re-directing it at you because her expectations were unrealistic. I've had many students who sincerely thought they would learn to belly dance in a few (even one) class.

Not everyone learns at the same pace and most people realize they will leave a class or two struggling with a concept. I've also learned that if I waited until every single student was on the same page with a move before advancing, I'd still be teaching hip drops on week 27.

Hugs to you and you're a good woman for your response.

How fortunate for you that she emailed you at all! Most of the time the angry student just spreads negative comments without giving you the chance to explain or make ammends.

I think your reply is excellent. It is concillatory without bending over backward. You offer her and her friend compensation and a positive spin on an awkward situation. You have done all you need to do. Hopefully the situation will get resolved! Good luck!

Well, first of all . . . . your student's message has so many grammatical mistakes . . . she sounds like an ignorant person . . . Don't let people like that bring you down. Also, I think your response was very professional. She has no reason to remain upset.

Originally Posted by nayastrance

My reply:

I am sorry your experience was so unhappy. I wish that you had taken time to let me know you were having a hard time keeping up. I watch all my students & do move around the room to help students who are struggling. I noticed you left the class early & assumed you had another commitment. If you had contacted me sooner to discuss your frustruation, I would have gladly slowed the pace of the class down & made arrangements to spend extra time before or after class to keep you get caught up if necessary. I have done this many times for students who requested extra help.
As for the CDs, because I am burning so many at once, it does happen that some do not play. I did give you a replacement cd. Again, if you had come to me sooner, I could have done more to correct the situation.
I'd like to try and make this up to you. I know that you are upset about this experience, however belly dance is fun & a great way to connect with your body. I've taught many happy students over the past 5 years & want every person to have a positive experience. If you and XXX will give me a second chance, I would like to offer you both a spot in my January class at no charge. I pledge to connect more personally with you and move at a pace that is comfortable for you. I do teach a routine for every session, however it is just one aspect of the class. In the past several weeks we have learned some new moves, but have also enjoyed dancing in each other's company & also focused on some deep muscle conditioning.
Please let me know if you would be willing to try again. If after a second attempt you are still unhappy, I will make arrangements to refund a portion of the course fees.

I wouldn't worry about it too much if you don't often have problems with students. Don't bend over backwards too much--people like this tend to be dissatisfied no matter what you do. Just stand by what you said--a freebie in January and that's it.

I think what hit me was that last line. Not at all constructive--just a slam. This is why I don't feel you need to go too far out of your way.

It's not you, it's her. You might be lucky if she doesn't come back...if she's going to complain and behave in such a snotty manner. In your reply you went out of your way to be kind and helpful (and I imagine this is how you are when teaching, too). No more is necessary.

I had a similar experience, but IN PERSON, with someone who reamed me out after her first class, because what I taught wasn't precisely what her previous teacher taught, and I had the audacity to suggest that she do a move in a different way. It still bugs me, but boy am I glad she didn't come back. I think everyone who teaches has at least one of these situations pop up. You sound like a committed, caring instructor, and you have a lot of students who've stuck with you, so you need to weigh that against the uncalled-for invective in this person's email.

From personal experience I have learned that other people's reactions are usually a result of where THEY are at in their lives. How were you to know she was upset? She made no effort to speak to you about it or listen to your ideas on how to improve the situation. Furthermore, it sounds as if she only wants to make you feel bad rather than resolve what has occurred (in her mind).

You've made an effort to make this right; if she doesn't respond or make an effort to meet you halfway, you've at least done your part. From her insults and unprofessional tone in addressing this issue, she sounds like an unhappy person. And based on her last comment, she sounds like a mean girl that wouldn't listen to you anyway. Her mind is made up and that's that. God I can't stand people like that. Big sympathies for you.

Also, it's pretty unfair to you to bring her friend into the situation. If her friend is upset, she needs to address you separately. When did adult women begin to revert back to middle school again? Her friend should be adult enough to address the issue on her own rather than asking this gal to do it for her.

I wish you the best of luck!

Originally Posted by mish_mish

I wouldn't worry about it too much if you don't often have problems with students. Don't bend over backwards too much--people like this tend to be dissatisfied no matter what you do. Just stand by what you said--a freebie in January and that's it.

I agree completely. But I think that it's great you've covered yourself so professionally with your response - it's never a mistake to take the high road with these types of complaints.

One of the things I learned at the Michelle Joyce teacher's workshops a couple of weeks ago is that it's all right to realize that not every class is right for every single person. This person and her friend might have done better in a semi-private situation, where they could have moved at their own pace with lots of individual attention.

I have had people who have asked for refunds because I don't teach choreographies in my drill-based Beginning class. One of them said, "I thought I was going to learn a dance, but all we do is just stand there." They are entitled to want that out of a class, of course, but I am not required to provide it for them. I teach in a way that I'm comfortable with, and that results in full classes nearly every session, and that's good enough for me. If there are people who want a different kind of class experience, there are a lot more teachers than just me to try out.

Thanks for all the support. I'm glad I wasn't the only one who thought her tone was just very nasty. Well, maybe she'll come back in January & we'll become best friends and laugh about it all later ..l;,
Maybe not. I'll keep you posted.

BTW: I love using the emoticons so much! They always make me feel extra happy. Especially this one

Originally Posted by nayastrance

BTW: I love using the emoticons so much! They always make me feel extra happy. Especially this one

Me too! Especially this one --->
which you should treat yourself to. You sound like a good and deserving teacher!

One of the things I learned at the Michelle Joyce teacher's workshops a couple of weeks ago is that it's all right to realize that not every class is right for every single person.

I totally agree. In fact at the end of each session when I 'wrap it up' with my current group I make sure to let students know that I hope they continue dancing & of course I want them to retunr to my class BUT if they'd like to get a recommendation for another teacher in the area I'm happy to provide that because everyone teaches differently & all that good stuff.

Originally Posted by maliam

Me too! Especially this one --->
which you should treat yourself to. You sound like a good and deserving teacher!

I'm having a cocktail party tonight. I will drink a toast to all my nice bhuzzers!

Life is too short to get hung up on one student's remarks. I like that you offered this person a freebie in January. That was very gracious of you. Hopefully, this person will turn up and you get another chance to help this person, if they really want help. I've been taking lessons for years ( more than I care to remember ) and I never would sabotage the teacher. In fact, I'm usually the one who stays quiet and listens to what is being said. It is disrespectful to be yakking away while the teacher is talking. I remember being in workshops with Ibrahaim Farrah ( yep, I'm that old ) and if he caught you talking, you would get such a glare from him. One of those "if looks could kill".

In over ten years I had one angry phone call from a student, which was about four years ago. It felt really yucky, but that's hundreds of students with only one angry call, so thats a pretty low percentage. This student waited until the whole session was over, then called me one day all in a snit saying that I had over-filled the class, making it impossible for her (and her friend, of course...) to learn, and making accusatory insinuations like "What is your objective anyway? What is it you are trying to accomplish?" I felt like saying, "Well, isn't it obvious? I'm trying to cram as many people as I can into the room so that I can make tons of money at your expense.. muahahahahah!"

What I actually did say was that I was very sorry "they" felt that way and it was unfortunate that they had waited until the session was over to speak up about it, but frankly I was doing my best to keep the class size down and turning many students away in order to do that. In fact, I told her that ironically she and her friend had been the last students I had admitted to the class before closing it (a week before the start date) and that was because she had implored upon me to let them in!

You'd think she'd lighten up a little realizing that it was they themselves who made the class size "over the top"? No... she kept on haranguing me in a very angry tone, with lots of insults and insinuations that I was unprofessional, etc. I told her that perhaps my mistake was in not saying "NO" effectively enough, and that certainly in the future when students like themselves ask to be let into a full class, I will say NO. I told her I'd refund them both for the session, and said goodbye.

It definitely struck me as a situation where someone unleashes a bunch of anger at another person whom they don't know to make themselves feel more powerful, but the only way to react is to give "good customer service" and try to learn what one can from the experience, then move on. I hope this is your first and last angry student too, Nayastrance!

I got that from teaching math too, so all teachers seem get this at some point.

Everybody has a different learning style and learning curve. If you are in a group class you may have to struggle to keep up, or wait for someone slower. That's why there is tutoring/private lessons.

If a student wants a teacher all to them selves and going exactly at their pace, they need to be the only student. otherwise they just need to learn to adjust.

Nayastrance,

Good for you for keeping your cool and giving a positive response. I'm not so sure I would have handled it as well as you. I'm more like some of my previous mentors who would say, Don't complain after taking six lessons and expect a refund. In my eye's that is just trying to get some freebie lessons.

Bring up your complaint at the end of class so we can correct the situation now and not at the end of the class session....

That is why there is a no refund policy for classes. You don't like them then don't take them. That is why I suggest a drop-in before signing up for a six week session. To see if we mesh.

Kudo's to you!!

that is why we have private classes. they are more money but it is one one instruction a nd if it takes them 100.00 a 5 classes so be it. it is also not fair to the people who get it; for you to waist there time with one one move for her tell take a private. along as you know you tought well that's all you can do . alot of people are looking for free things so do not fall into there trap. Let some other poor teacher have this one.
I know when people l come to my class an are complainers and complain about other teachers i let it go in one ear and out the other and hope the teacher after me does not take to heart all the bad stuff this student said about me and my class.

I believe that she wasn't learning what she thought she was going to learn, not that you weren't teaching. IOW, her anger is at herself and she's re-directing it at you because her expectations were unrealistic.

Speaking as a student, not as a teacher, I think that this pretty much covers a large number of 'angry student issues'. I'm probably not a great model myself as I have certainly left one class (after several years) because it was no longer catering to my needs. However, in that particular case, several students left at the same time after having discussed the limitations of the class with the teacher in question. She openly stated that she wasn't interested (those were the actual words used) in helping her long-term pupils progress to an intermediate level so a handful of us left for pastures new. There was nothing particularly acrimonious about it.

Again, speaking personally and as a student, I am aware of one other student in our area who has attended several different classes with several different teachers over the years and has had significant 'issues' with every single class/teacher. From speaking to her, I have gathered that the main problem is that her 'idea' of bellydance is not what anyone round here teaches (or indeed exists?) but she is *very* determined that her concept is correct/realistic and is consequently repeatedly disappointed when teachers/classes fail to 'measure up'.

This is an extreme example but I have also encountered students who take the view that if they are *paying* for something then if should be exactly what *they* want and b*gger everyone/anyone else!

All this is a long winded way of saying that we students can be a right pain!

No teacher can conform to everyone's expectations and I think you have done more than enough to attempt to be conciliatory and helpful.

Chalk it up to experience and move on

The old adage- you can't please all of the people al of the time.
I am correcting newbies all time but some take a lot longer for pennies to drop than others and you cannot leave a majority idly standing by. I was one of those with "inward Fof 8" and camels. Weeks for first and months for the second. It does make me sympathetic to those similar but you cannot stand still as even beginners are mixed ability.
And the students getting too advanced that is a problem for many teachers.Three friends and I had to leave a class not because of teacher but because of a constant influx of beginners resulting in frustrations for us. For our area it's very few classes than can afford to split into Beginner and "whatever you are going to call the more advanced.
And frankly I am not interested in teaching any other than beginners but I Hope I would say so in a more diplomatic way, Khadiya!

The old adage- you can't please all of the people al of the time.
*snip*
And the students getting too advanced that is a problem for many teachers.Three friends and I had to leave a class not because of teacher but because of a constant influx of beginners resulting in frustrations for us. For our area it's very few classes than can afford to split into Beginner and "whatever you are going to call the more advanced.
And frankly I am not interested in teaching any other than beginners but I Hope I would say so in a more diplomatic way, Khadiya!

So true!

In the case of people progressing beyond beginners level and maybe needing to have slightly different support/direction from a teacher I think its 110% fine for a teacher to be upfront and say that he/she is not prepared/able/ whatever to provide that (hopefully tactfully ). In my particular case (and this was some years ago now) the teacher in question was very much of the *thou shalt have no other teacher than me* persuasion and vehemently didn't want any of us to leave or go to someone/something else, even though she wasn't at all interested in teaching us.

I know that I have been very fortunate in that *every other* instructor I have had has been clear about what they will/wont/can/cannot teach and have been prepared and willing to point students in the direction of someone who can help where they can't.

Please do not feel bad. This happens to almost all kinds of teachers.

In my past life as a college English professor at a community college, I would have about one student each semester try to tell me that they deserved a passing grade, heck, even an "A" or "B" simply because they paid for the class. Excuse me? ..c::

I know that part of the problem is that belly dance classes are often described in terms of "entertainment" rather than as education. Come to belly dance class, have fun! Nobody says "come to Advanced Particle Physics and have a blast!" Of course, if Physics is your thing you might just have a fabulous time but I don't think you would come to each class expecting a party, right?

Your response was generous and sincere. The ball is in her court now.

After working in customer service, I learned that some people will complain about anything. They have a bad day, or problems in their lives, and dump the blame on others. I have the feeling that your teaching has nothing to do with her reaction. There's no reason for somebody to blow up over such minor issues that can be resolved.
Your response is well stated. There's nothing more powerful than staying collected in the face of an irate person.

Again, I can't express enough thanks for all of the kind words and generous perspectives on the situation. Its true, we can't please everyone. I mentioned to someone who sent me a pm about this thread that while it is upsetting to have someone go a little nutty on you, its also a humbling experience. I'm always posting on Bhuz about being *nice*. I'm the Emily Post(er) of the Bhuz bellydance business forum. BUT, I can be difficult, cranky, & rude sometimes.This was a gentle reminder that no matter how nicey-nice I talk, I still can (and do) pi$$ people off.
I agree with people here, I did my best. I accept that it wasn't good enough for this student & yet I will also try to approach some things differently in my next class session.
I'm going to start a spin-off thread now about what people include in their classes & what students want to see in a class.
Thanks again!

She is obviously rude, and your response is very polite and professional.

But as a student myself, I feel a little bugged about you giving the student a free class because she complaints.

If I am a loyal/happy student and taking lesson from an instructor for long time. And someone drops in for free, requires extra attention (I bet she will demand attention if she ever return to class), or even talks about how she's unsatisfied and got a free class because of that. I won't feel so good.

Just my thought when seeing this post. =)

I think you are best to let her go. She will always have some sort of problem/ drama. I mean, who leaves without a word then sends a nasty email? What happens when a real problem comes up (ie: she isn't ready to join your troupe? she doesn't like your choreography? she doesn't want to learn camels? she hurts herself in class? she feels offended that you correct her in front of other students?). This is just the first in a long line of emails you will get from this woman.

Belly dance, like all activities, attracts some *lunatics*. I have been lucky so far, but I know some very strong and together dancers who have been terrorised by nasty or obsessive students, people who would stir up trouble behind their backs or stalk them. My teacher used to say there are some people you do NOT want as customers and it is quite possible this person is one of those.

I would say the best thing is to take the letter's criticisms on board, but with a BIG dose of salt - if there is nothing in that that can really be read as truthful, then let it go - and let her go too. The end comments were spiteful and nasty. It would be like a staff member at a hotel writing to a nearby restaurant complaining that their soup was undersalted the other night and as a result, they would no longer refer guests to the restaurant as they had done in the past, and would instead actively dissuade them from eating there.

Speaking as a Psychologist I can tell you that her comments were not about you at all!!! What comes from within us is always about us, and not about who it might appear to be directed to. It is best to just let her go. She is a complainer and will NEVER be happy no matter what you try to do. Besides look at how passive-agressively she handled the situation? Not someone you want around!! You handled it with the utmost professionalism and were extremely generous to her. As someone pointed out (and I agree) is it fair to offer her a free session just because she complained? Is that fair to all your other loyal students? Although I am sure you are a super nice person that was just trying to do her best in this situation.
I have a set of rules for my class and one of them is to let me know right away if they have any issues or concerns. So when I had a student complain to me once, well, it was not a pretty conversation and I let her have it right back (long story). I was happy to let her go and found out that she also had the same issues with her previous instructor. So now we as instructors have warned each other about such students. They screw themselves so to speak. So let her go and let the whole issue go, don't take it personally just learn from it.

I remember the first (and worst) ugly e-mail like this that I received from a student. I took it very personally and obsessed over it for weeks. In the end it was not worth the worry. I think what Najida said is very accurate:

Originally Posted by Najida

I believe that she wasn't learning what she thought she was going to learn, not that you weren't teaching. IOW, her anger is at herself and she's re-directing it at you because her expectations were unrealistic.

Some students are unwilling to accept that THEY had unrealistic expectations going in and would rather blame the teacher.

I think your response was extremely professional, and as others have said, probably too generous! Just do the best that you can, and try not to personalize stuff like this (easier said than done, I know).

Nisaa