Thread: Not very well thought of...how do u make amends?? I need to dance again!

Hello me again!
As some of you know I went through a horrible 2008 with a near divorce, death in family and I well flipped a little bit! I very wrongly got bad impressions of my ex dance teacher and stupidly and childishly i seemed to like picking fights on bhuz and in my private life. I have since had counselling and have got over everything else. However I know teachers in my area of Liverpool UK probably think I am an awful person and I would not blame them but I cant be a bedroom bopper forever. I desperatley miss dancing and my ex teacher gave me that inspiration to dance again. That is now in my eyes in the past. I hurt this person lots and I know many teachers on here will think *nut job alrert* but I dont know what to do??? Is there a way we can learn to dance by getting along to workshops and using dvds??
I really cant hack bopping at home anymore though!

Aw, I'm glad you're back! Everybody goes through rough patches and can behave in a way they'll later regret. It's also quite possible your behavior wasn't as bad as all that.

Suppose you called up your ex-teacher and invited her out for coffee or a drink? You could make your apologies and feel her out as to whether she wants to have you back as a student.

I don't think she would appreciate the invite much as I think I caused bad feelings for her with other people. Im mainly just wondering how I can redeem myself so to speak. Thanks for welcoming me back Taj xxx

I think the first thing you can do is make your sincere apologies to your teacher, just as you've done here. A letter or email might be easiest. What you have to accept is that she may not be ready to trust or forgive you. But if you apologise, explain your circumstances but also take responsibility for your actions, you will have done a good thing and she will, perhaps in time, respect you for doing that.

Workshops and DVDs will help in the interim but if you want to become part of your local dance community again you will probably like it best if you find a class to join. There's bound to be SOME way of doing it - even if you go to workshops and always speak nicely to people, express interest in coming to their classes, sooner or later there will be someone who will be happy to have you.

And the remaining thing is to guard your own heart, don't get too strongly attached to any teacher, and guard your tongue even more closely.

I agree with Zumarrad, it would be a good start if you apologize and explain things to your teacher, the worst probable outcome is that it will be ignored, but it might well be the start of building some bridges.
Good luck with finding a class.

I have apoligised via email and she accepted my apology (i think) its more me worrying about other teachers on here and their opinion of me now. I was such a di*k last year...its amazing what psychotherapy makes you see about yourself. I deffo learnt I used to be a selfish person who always claimed to be a victim. I must of annoyed a heck of alot of people!

Good for you! I'm glad you're trying to make amends!

I agree with both Zum and Taj and you could combine the strategies.

Apologize sincerely and let her know that you're genuine and not doing it for forgiveness, but rather because it's the right thing to do. Make it clear that you're not excusing yourself, but rather explaining. Also express that if/when she's willing, you would love to treat her to coffee and have a chance to explain yourself in person.

People may be wary at first, but if you're open and honest about yourself and your actions, people will open back up. Be patient and keep us posted! Good luck!

my ex teacher no longer teaches locally anyway so i think asking her for coffee and bringing up bad vibes again may not be the best thing to do but thanks for your advice. xxx

I'm really impressed that you went to therapy, and even more impressed that you listened with an open mind and were able to recognize those things in yourself. Good for you! I hope that your community will welcome you back, over time!

Are you basically just wanting to take classes and attend worshops/shows/haflas again? If so, you could just contact the teacher whose classes you want to take, and tell her (briefly) that you were previously having some personal problems that made you behave badly, but you have gotten your act together and will not present any problems for her in her class. And just leave it at that without going into any gory details.

Once you are in the class and showing up at dance events again, I would think that if you just behave very well and treat people nicely, everyone will eventually forget any past transgressions.

I wish you well!

Welcome back, It seems that therapy has aided your return to wholeness. I am so happy for you that you have begun to pick up the pieces and have opened your heart along the way. You have had a rough time of it. I sure hope that you find a teacher and soon.

Think positive a teacher will come along

You know, we can't change the past but we can take charge of how we deal with the things that come tomorrow.

Maybe talking with your former teacher and askin her advice on how to proceed would be in order. This would give her the opportunity to give you a recommendation if asked by other teachers.

Practice the RAK every day--random acts of kindness--and you will feel the walls fall way and your heart open to others.

Souzan

I'm proud of you for owning your behaviors and making the effort to change, we all go through 'flip out' points in our lives, that's common, it's how you deal with it afterwards that makes you a good person. I don't suggest you rehash the past over and over with other dancers/teachers. Make the amends needed, contact whoever you would like to study with, and as Ssipes said, keep it brief, state you had a terrible 2008 emotionally and now you are ready to start on a positive path, and show by example, not by words. Don't discuss the past over and over, it gives it more energy. Welcome Back!!

Originally Posted by Aradia

I'm proud of you for owning your behaviors and making the effort to change, we all go through 'flip out' points in our lives, that's common, it's how you deal with it afterwards that makes you a good person. I don't suggest you rehash the past over and over with other dancers/teachers. Make the amends needed, contact whoever you would like to study with, and as Ssipes said, keep it brief, state you had a terrible 2008 emotionally and now you are ready to start on a positive path, and show by example, not by words. Don't discuss the past over and over, it gives it more energy. Welcome Back!!

I totally agree. Sometimes making amends to someone is more that just saying your sorry. Bringing up old hurts can sometimes do more harm than good. One of the best ways to make amends is to show it through your actions.
Glad you are back and kudos to you for taking care of your mental self.
{{{HUGS}}}

Congratulations and kudos to you, sounds like you're really listening in therapy to the kinds of things that a lot of people reject about themselves.

I don't know you or your situation personally, so this is really general advice.

Part of accepting the consequences of our behavior is recognizing that we have earn back people's trust.

In a situation like this, I think it's wise to apologize and explain to anyone you've hurt directly. Sounds like you've done that with your former teacher, So I'd say do the same with anyone else in the community that had a hard time with you while you were in that state.

There will be other in the community who know you by reputation, but there's no point trying to communicate with them directly. Odds are the new gossip will travel the same way the old gossip did. "XX is back, she says she's had counseling and she's different now.... we'll see...."

If you just start showing up for events being pleasant and friendly, working hard, and blending in with groups rather than being argumentative or otherwise needing to be the center of attention you'll win them over, but expect it to take time. If you see people standing off or feel that they're snubbing you at first, just remember they're reacting to the OLD you, and they have a right to whatever they feel about your former behavior.

An explanation or apology is only the beginning. It's a statement of intention to do better. It's the 'doing better' that really wins people back and allows you to make amends.

You probably know this already, but the biggest potential trap is to start making excuses for yourself because of whatever you were going through at that time. To yourself even moreso than to others. Remind yourself that everyone has stresses, every family goes through horrors, whether its' illnesses, deaths, divorces, crimes, poverty, abuse, alcoholism, etc. That can't be an excuse for treating people badly. People cannot take out their pain on other people or we'd all be snapping at each other all the time!

Haha, while I was typing Kels and Aradia made my points so much more succinctly than I did!

I don't know your dance community, but also don't underestimate the inherent self-absorption of other people either. Most likely, there are many dancers or teachers that don't know you or don't know your past drama.

I have definitely spoken to other dancers in Philly about teh biggest dramz evah OMG and been met with blank stares and questions of "Who? Oh really (shrug), hadn't heard that."

Make amends as others suggested, start going to events, and be accountable for your actions now and going forward. People can have pretty short memories.

Originally Posted by phillyraqs

don't underestimate the inherent self-absorption of other people

..l;, It's funny because it's true. There are worlds of wisdom in this little snippet.

Originally Posted by phillyraqs

I don't know your dance community, but also don't underestimate the inherent self-absorption of other people either. Most likely, there are many dancers or teachers that don't know you or don't know your past drama.

I have definitely spoken to other dancers in Philly about teh biggest dramz evah OMG and been met with blank stares and questions of "Who? Oh really (shrug), hadn't heard that."

Make amends as others suggested, start going to events, and be accountable for your actions now and going forward. People can have pretty short memories.

I think this sez it all. Good luck to you and welcome back!!

Well I can relate. I've done some damage myself. I've made my apologies, to Instructor and community.

One thing I learned in Rehab is that we can only do what we can do. Some times the best amends we can make is not repeating bad behavior. That is where my serenity prayer comes in and I say it frequently.

I do not believe in burnt bridges. Bridges can be rebuilt it just takes time, materials and effort. I found it best to Let those we've hurt come to us on their terms.

Originally Posted by Lauren_

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An explanation or apology is only the beginning. It's a statement of intention to do better. It's the 'doing better' that really wins people back and allows you to make amends.

So much good advise here, especially what Lauren posted above.

I also commend you for being able to swallow your pride and ask for forgiveness. So many people are unable to do that, even after they realize they've done something wrong. It takes a lot of guts and courage to do what you're doing, and i really respect you for it.

I think that by your simply making an effort and being honest about where you are coming from is a HUGE step in the right direction. Also, if asked, you may simply want to let people know that you were going through a really hard divorce and that many other things in your life were falling apart and that you didn't handle it with as much grace as you would have liked. And that you are sorry if you caused any hurt feelings.

And yes, I absolutely praise you for being willing to go to counseling and being willing to listen and do something which will improve your situation.

I look forward to meeting you when I get to the UK! It'll be fun!

{{{{HUGS}}}

A similar thing happened with me and one of my former teachers. We'd had a bit of a falling-out, and it wasn't until about 2 years after she relocated very far away that I realized how silly everything was in retrospect.

So, completely on a lark, I extended the olive branch via e-mail. We ended up talking about things on the phone for about 3 hours that night - and to this day, I can now look fondly on our friendship and our memories again. We were both so happy that we got to iron things out and turn over a new leaf. It was honestly one of the best things I've done as a dancer.

So start small. Maybe invite your teacher out for coffee. Find a class where you feel like you fit in. Begin attending workshops, haflas and events. Unfortunately, some dancers are way too vested in TEH DRAMA(!!!!1111!!!) and might not appreciate your efforts - but anyone with half a heart and brain will commend you for your courage and goodwill, and folks will slowly start taking you in again.

Aside from everything else I said, please PM me if you want to chat more about this.

Hey you've not done anything completely unforgivable. You've not killed anyone-put it in perspective, forgive yourself give others the chance to come round and move on. Good luck

Originally Posted by Tribal_Butterfly

I have apoligised via email and she accepted my apology (i think) its more me worrying about other teachers on here and their opinion of me now. I was such a di*k last year...its amazing what psychotherapy makes you see about yourself. I deffo learnt I used to be a selfish person who always claimed to be a victim. I must of annoyed a heck of alot of people!

If someone is genuinely sorry and their intention is good, then we should find it in ourselves to forgive and forget. If this is your case, then, I for one would not hold this against you. However, you can understand in the notoriously backstabbing and bitchy world of belly dance where jealousy and insecurity if often rife where some people might not trust you again. Trust has to be earned. So earn it.

We all suffer pain and heartache. That doesn't give us the right to hurt or cause grief to others... it is absolutely no excuse. I do hope you move on and up and I'm sure things will work out with your change of heart. Nothing good ever happens to those who are negative, so well done for seeking help.

You are a beginner. Get yourself a ne teacher, stay in rank, stay quiet for a bit and move on

Let the drama go. I think you've received a very warm welcome. Keep it in mind in the future when other sh*t comes up. You're asking for an invitation into a community so it's best not to have too many requirements of your own. You'll have some preferences which is understandable, but teachers can't be expected to please every student wish. Take your time. Let others adjust. Don't force things.

As far as learning from DVDs and workshops goes, I believe in a live instructor above all else. But you can definitely supplement your learning by attending one or two workshops a year when you're ready for it. Personally, I think videos should be introduced after you have a firm grasp on basic BD technique.

If your desire to start over is so intense, follow your heart and keep at it until the past no longer comes up in your memory. We usually stand in our own way, and we're our own worse critics. Others forget while sometimes we keep rehashing stuff that no one else remembers.

thanks girls....u have all been very cool. I wasnt seeking sympathy or a well done as what i said was bad but cheers x

Just wanted to say goodluck to you. It's not easy to admit when you've hosed something up but it takes a strong person to do so. I hope this all works out for you.

Originally Posted by Tribal_Butterfly

....However I know teachers in my area of Liverpool UK probably think I am an awful person ......

Looks to me like you need to forgive yourself first. Remember it is your drama, therefore you see it as so severe when others may not have been as affected as you think. Everything comes from within and it seems like you are being hard on yourself. If you hurt someone specifically, then sure you should, and sounds like you have, make amends to them. But taking people out and explaining yourself is not necessary. As Mayliz says.."Let the drama go." Nicely put! It is your drama and you need to let go of it. Forget about the past and look forward to the future. And please oh please don't worry about what people think of you!!! Fake it till you make it. Just play nice on the playground of life and all well be fine eventually.