Thread: can you be a mom and successful dancer?

I have a 7 months old wonderful boy and I have won a country championship in Hungary - YES IT IS POSSIBLE TO BE A MOM AND a DANCER!!!!!

Hi there sweetpie!
I am a mom... (three kids) and a dancer/instructor. I have struggled with this issue my whole dance career. At times, I focus solely on my kids and my dance is second, and then there are times when I can dance more and be more available for gigs. I have had to give up the "superstar" dream and just be a "good" dancer. I realize that most of the superstar dancers are not moms, but there is something missing in their lives that they don't know about... having the blessing of a child. I occasionally wish I could dance, dance, dance, take classes and workshops, travel, go to showcases, etc. but then my kids would suffer. I have twin 13 year old boys still at home that really need me right now and I have to give up dance stuff for their welfare. If I could do it over again, I'd still have my kids, and my dancing. It's who I am and I can't give up either and never would. There is still a lot of joy in have both even if I am not the best at either.

Originally Posted by Maryon

There is still a lot of joy in have both even if I am not the best at either.

word. :)

Originally Posted by setanta

I have a 7 months old wonderful boy and I have won a country championship in Hungary - YES IT IS POSSIBLE TO BE A MOM AND a DANCER!!!!!

Of course it is. I worked with a lot of moms. One of my friends had four daughters.

Also, I think people need to redefine "successful".

You don't have to be bigtime famous to be successful and in fact, famous doesn't equal good. Sometimes famous is good but not always and by the same token there are lots of excellent artists in ALL media who for whatever reason aren't famous - sometimes simply because they (we) haven't sought publicity but are just content to work steadily, the happiness is in the process.

Of course in the case of painters, sculptors etc people work a lifetime without anybody noticing them, maybe they're ahead of their time or they're just too busy working and living to get famous.

This era of You Tube and "superstars" has dramatically skewed the dance world and also the expectations of younger dancers.

The fact is, it's easier to be notorious than good.

no one would risk not giving her child the love he deserves, but besides this, you can, may, might be a mom and a dancer:)

I was a well-paid, professional dancer (not bellydance) before I had my children and I, personally, can't get my mind around how anyone could deal with the travel and financial strain of taking children on the road. I didn't have a supportive partner till recently, though and I am sure that would have made a huge difference.

I would be lying if I said I didn't miss it and don't dream of bellydancing on a grander scale, however....

...I teach bellydance on a near voluntary basis and that feels successful because my children are growing up (9 and 10 year old boys) immersed in this wonderful dance community. They both have a passion for music, one likes to dance, and they'll tell anyone who will listen that I am a bellydancer. In one restaurant they kept telling the dancer I was a also a dancer and the manager overheard and offered me work if her regular dancer couldn't make it! Of course, this was embarrassing and a little rude of the kids, but they are strangely proud of me.

I am a mom and,on most days, a successful dancer.

Xochitl - how do you involve your boys in the dance community? It's so hard when everyone says that little girls will grow up and be bellydancers and you have a boy! I always say "Hey, yeah sure, he _could_be a drummer, or he could also be Jim Boz - you never know." Right now he both likes to play with the drum and play with mommy's cane (he LOVES the cane - likes to walk around twirling it). I do hope that I can involve him more in this community as he grows (he's 14 months) because it would definitely be helpful if he could join me at events from time to time. I, of course, would be happy to go to soccer games, karate demonstrations or whatever he gets into - any mom would. But what you have described just sounds so lovely.

Nepenthe: Oddly enough, there is a decent sized bellydance community where I live even though it is remote. I started to teach in my town so that women had something to do . Its kind of up to us to entertain ourselves, unlike in a big city where everything is available. There is a string of little towns and little islands here, where bellydance is huge in comparison to the population. No idea why.

The events are not high powered or professional so kids are always a part of it. My boys sometimes come to potluck haflas where they play with other kids and ignore the dancing, but at other times kids attend rehearsals, decorate venues, dance at the after-parties, and sometimes dance on stage with their moms. I would never take them to a workshop in the city but they are immersed in the dance community at a local level.

This opens up a world of creativity for them, though it is not my right to pick their path. My oldest is going to do a dance with me next spring and to involve him I had to buy some hiphop dvds and learn hip hop with him. The dance will end up being a crazy bellydance/ hiphop mashup involving canes used in a more martial arts manner .( here I can picture some dancer's cringing......l;,) But this is his vision and I am willing to bend the "rules" to give him an experience he can take with him in life. I think you have to be willing to share a stage with your child rather than show off your own skills. Dancers have the rest of their lives for that.

To involve my kids in say sports, for example, I would have to drive at least half an hour if not more to the lessons. I would do it if they really were keen but fortunately, for me, they want music lessons and there are loads of talented musicians here. Maybe, I'm just lucky to have the kids I have.

Don't know if this is the best answer and I tend to ramble!

I just want to add here that until I had a baby I didn't understand how much I'd be willing to give up if I needed to. I have a supportive husband and I'm still able to dance, but if I had to make a choice i'd have my baby again a million times over!

Originally Posted by Nepenthe

"Hey, yeah sure, he _could_be a drummer, or he could also be Jim Boz - you never know." .

Yay Nepenthe! oh, the 'little girl=dancer, little boy=drummer' drives me nuts!!!'
My oldest is 9 & dances with me, at class and at haflas- he's just got the dancing bug (& cane is still his favorite too!)

my second boy is not remotely interested in dance at ALL. My oldest girl dances a little, but her passion is violin & the baby- well, she enjoys bopping along, but she also seems to have perfect pitch & a decent voice (for a 10 month old!) so who knows!

Originally Posted by Sonja2

I just want to add here that until I had a baby I didn't understand how much I'd be willing to give up if I needed to. I have a supportive husband and I'm still able to dance, but if I had to make a choice i'd have my baby again a million times over!

YES! I admit, there are times I want to stop the car & leave them all on the side of the road, but really I wouldn't change this experience for anything!

Originally Posted by casbahdance

I don't believe that "quality time" with a child is as good as quantity of time. We parents teach our children in the smallest of moments and if we simply aren't there to have those moments, all the "quality" time reading a book or going to a museum a couple times a week, isn't going to substitute. Call me old fashioned, but I believe children need to be with and interact and learn from and get love from both their parents as much as is possible. Very difficult to do when a parent is away on the road, mom or dad, for significant periods of time.

Deborah

I just have to say - let the church say AMEN. Well said, and very true.

Originally Posted by xochitl

This opens up a world of creativity for them, though it is not my right to pick their path. My oldest is going to do a dance with me next spring and to involve him I had to buy some hiphop dvds and learn hip hop with him. The dance will end up being a crazy bellydance/ hiphop mashup involving canes used in a more martial arts manner .( here I can picture some dancer's cringing......l;,) But this is his vision and I am willing to bend the "rules" to give him an experience he can take with him in life. I think you have to be willing to share a stage with your child rather than show off your own skills. Dancers have the rest of their lives for that.

"belly dance/ hip hop with cane and more marital arts"...
sounds like hip hip - tahtib fusion.... which could be WONDERFULLY fun! I hope you and your son have a great time with it.
In fact you can likely find some of the more "field recording" like tahtib demonstrations on youtube (in addition to Tito, Mohamed Shahin, Karim Nagi etc doing their thing onstage).

Originally Posted by xochitl

Nepenthe: Oddly enough, there is a decent sized bellydance community where I live even though it is remote. I started to teach in my town so that women had something to do . Its kind of up to us to entertain ourselves, unlike in a big city where everything is available. There is a string of little towns and little islands here, where bellydance is huge in comparison to the population. No idea why.

The events are not high powered or professional so kids are always a part of it. My boys sometimes come to potluck haflas where they play with other kids and ignore the dancing, but at other times kids attend rehearsals, decorate venues, dance at the after-parties, and sometimes dance on stage with their moms. I would never take them to a workshop in the city but they are immersed in the dance community at a local level.

This opens up a world of creativity for them, though it is not my right to pick their path. My oldest is going to do a dance with me next spring and to involve him I had to buy some hiphop dvds and learn hip hop with him. The dance will end up being a crazy bellydance/ hiphop mashup involving canes used in a more martial arts manner .( here I can picture some dancer's cringing......l;,) But this is his vision and I am willing to bend the "rules" to give him an experience he can take with him in life. I think you have to be willing to share a stage with your child rather than show off your own skills. Dancers have the rest of their lives for that.

To involve my kids in say sports, for example, I would have to drive at least half an hour if not more to the lessons. I would do it if they really were keen but fortunately, for me, they want music lessons and there are loads of talented musicians here. Maybe, I'm just lucky to have the kids I have.

Don't know if this is the best answer and I tend to ramble!

this is very interesting to me..i have only 3 dancers with kids..when they come to class it is their time away...their time for them. we might see the kids at ren faire. we include kids at the 4th of july party, but not winter solstice....i am facinated whith how all differs from place to place.

I'm kind of surprised we are still discussing this?

OK - let's take "belly dancer" out of the equation and insert pilot, engineer, musician, doctor, soldier - single mother.

What about people - not dancers - who work.

Are women not allowed to work anymore? To excel? Is it one or the other?

How judgmental is this? Respectfully I think it's pretty judgmental and needlessly limiting to women.

So, some of the above comments are kind of worrisome to me.

My mom had no choice but to work - single parent - she was a commercial artist - extremely demanding job especially for a woman in the 1950's.

I wouldn't have traded her for any other mom in the world.

And yes - it often came down to moments of "quality time."

But what moments. She gave us what was important and plus - she really had no choice - this is true of women in two parent homes now too - it's unusual for any one worker to be able to support a whole family! Money has lost much of its value. And jobs may involve work on an oil rig, on a ship, driving a truck, being a soldier -

I think we should move past this false equivalence - women can be mothers AND we can work and be successful.

Originally Posted by Elibelinde

OK - let's take "belly dancer" out of the equation and insert pilot, engineer, musician, doctor, soldier - single mother.
*snipped cuz it is right above :-)
I think we should move past this false equivalence - women can be mothers AND we can work and be successful.

Sophia, as usual, right on sistah!
Liesa

Originally Posted by Elibelinde

OK - let's take "belly dancer" out of the equation and insert pilot, engineer, musician, doctor, soldier - single mother.

What about people - not dancers - who work.

Are women not allowed to work anymore? To excel? Is it one or the other?

How judgmental is this? Respectfully I think it's pretty judgmental and needlessly limiting to women.

So, some of the above comments are kind of worrisome to me.

My mom had no choice but to work - single parent - she was a commercial artist - extremely demanding job especially for a woman in the 1950's.

I wouldn't have traded her for any other mom in the world.

And yes - it often came down to moments of "quality time."

But what moments. She gave us what was important and plus - she really had no choice - this is true of women in two parent homes now too - it's unusual for any one worker to be able to support a whole family! Money has lost much of its value. And jobs may involve work on an oil rig, on a ship, driving a truck, being a soldier -

I think we should move past this false equivalence - women can be mothers AND we can work and be successful.

I agree with you 100%, Elibelinde, even tho my post above might seem to be the opposite. I worked full time until my oldest was 8 years old, and part time for several years thereafter. It really wasn't until the youngest was in junior high that I stopped having a "regular job."

I'm not some uneducated bimbo who "can't do anything else" than stay home with children, nor am I someone who thinks women should be barefoot, pregnant and silent. However, it is my personal belief that both parents should be with their own children as much as possible.

Because I believe this, I changed my job upon the birth of my first child. I had been a corporate trainer, a position that necessitated frequent travel, often overnight, sometimes for a week at a time. That wasn't going to work. #1: hubby started work before 7:00am; it's almost impossible to find childcare before 7:00am; live-in was not an option #2: hubby and I had a child so we could raise her; we thought it was important that we physically be with her as much as our full-time jobs allowed.

If my husband had a job that required travel, he would have changed his job, too. I believe that children need both parents as much as possible. What I find sad is that dads are made to feel less than "manly" if they stay home with the kids while mom works. Talk about sexist, small-minded thinking. Any thinking that denigrates the importance of being a mother or a father is small-minded, in my opinion.

continued because I'm wordy . . .

continued . . .

My mom was stay-at-home, except that she taught some dance classes during the day when we were in school and other classes in the evening when dad was home. I never thought that women could only do the stay-at-home thing, but when I had my own children, I was jealous of those moms who got to say home with their little ones. I wanted to spend my time with mine.

Time spent with a disinterested parent isn't "quality time," no matter how much time it involves, so a parent just existing in the same room as a child isn't any better than an absent parent; I can see how it actually would be worse. To me, time spent well, even if it is necessarily limited, is good time.

Having lived the two-parents-working-full-time life myself, I have complete empathy for those that do, single or married. My main point is that I don't see why somebody would have children only to be with them occasionally; to choose to be away from them for days or weeks at a time on a regular basis. If this type of absence is what is needed to be successful in a particular profession, then count me out of that profession while my kids are little; I already have the most important job in the world. But I might be interested before the children or after they've got some years on them.

We can "have it all" . . . we just might not be able to have all of it all at the same time. And that's true for men and women.

Deborah
who, at one time, seriously considered the child-free life!

Deborah (Casbahdance)
I enjoyed reading your post and think it is wonderful
It also strikes me how very many definitions different people have of quantity vs. quality time- and different things really do work for different people. I laughed when I saw your post about just being in the room not being enough- I am not by any stretch a 'disinterested' parent- I work from home so I can be flexible enough to spend lots of time with my kids (can't afford to not work at all!) but watching our little household, 'just in the room' might describe it- except it's not. My kids are just in the room while I work on the computer, fold laundry, sew, make dinner, play guitar, etc. They are just in the yard while I garden, they are just in the car/shop while I run errands, go to drum circle, visit art galleries, shop for fabric and craft supplies. I provide material for my kids to entertain themselves, sometimes they choose to help with what I am doing, sometimes they do their own thing and even the baby has 'chores.' I kick the older ones outside on their own to ramble on a regular basis- in the summer they are on their own for hours & hours of healthy fun. It is a world away from the kinds of structured activity I planned out every day when I taught preschool, but they are learning how to live life as I live it myself. Quantity time for me means I am available when they have those teachable moments. I am also lucky enough to have a life partner who can and will watch them while I run off in the evenings to pursue my own adventures, and parents in town who will spoil them relentlessly if I need to be gone for a week every now and then.

It has been really interesting for me working in a baby boutique- I get to hear all about parenting trends through the decades and from different regions as parents and grandparents and crazy but loving great aunts tell new parents what parenting was like in their day, back home (wherever back home was!) Sometimes I think it's amazing any of us survived childhood at all! Nursing a baby while driving a sporty little convertible? Would you even dream of such a thing now with our 5 point harnesses carseats used until age 6 in our practical & super safe family SUV?

Originally Posted by casbahdance

continued . . .

My mom was stay-at-home, except that she taught some dance classes during the day when we were in school and other classes in the evening when dad was home. I never thought that women could only do the stay-at-home thing, but when I had my own children, I was jealous of those moms who got to say home with their little ones. I wanted to spend my time with mine.

Time spent with a disinterested parent isn't "quality time," no matter how much time it involves, so a parent just existing in the same room as a child isn't any better than an absent parent; I can see how it actually would be worse. To me, time spent well, even if it is necessarily limited, is good time.

Having lived the two-parents-working-full-time life myself, I have complete empathy for those that do, single or married. My main point is that I don't see why somebody would have children only to be with them occasionally; to choose to be away from them for days or weeks at a time on a regular basis. If this type of absence is what is needed to be successful in a particular profession, then count me out of that profession while my kids are little; I already have the most important job in the world. But I might be interested before the children or after they've got some years on them.

We can "have it all" . . . we just might not be able to have all of it all at the same time. And that's true for men and women.

Deborah
who, at one time, seriously considered the child-free life!

Having it all at the same time - well that's a good point!

It is certainly hard to juggle motherhood with a belly dance career! I taught and performed through both of my pregnancies, and kept going after, though sometimes I wondered why I was pushing myself when I ached so badly for hours or days afterwards.

Although the hours suit me for having shared child care with my husband - it does mean that we become ships passing by. There have been many a time (especially when they were little and I was expressing milk at 5am so as to have enough for me go teach that night!) when I thought of giving up my business and being a full-time mother. Then I would look at my child/ren and think of my own mother who was a full-time stay-at-home mother, but who never really had a life (not because she was a mother, she just didn't get out much) and I wanted my kids to understand WHO I was. I am a woman with likes and interests and abilities outside of parenting, and a big part of that is as a belly dancer. I wanted my kids to say "That's my Mum up there - isn't it cool?" or even one day "My Mum's performing again how embarrassing". At least they know who I am.

Be nice if all that and a sleep in after late gigs could happen as well though!
My shimmies to all the belly dancing mums professional or not
Charni
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