Thread: Student Cried In My Class Tonight

Well, after 4 1/2 years of teaching, I had another first - one of my students broke down in tears in my Level 2 class tonight.

Every couple of sessions, I pull out my "combo cards". These are cards based on Gia's Create-A-Combo cards; moves that we're covered in class are separated into categories like Traveling Moves, Stationary Moves, Shimmies, etc. The idea is that the students take a few cards and create their own combos to a song with a nice steady beat, which we then take turns showing to each other. I've had wonderful response to the cards since I've been using them - I think nearly two years at this point.

This was the first time for this student to do the combo cards (she's been in my classes for about 8 months, and in my Level 2 for the last 4). She seemed to be doing fine putting her combo together, and while the first four students demonstrated theirs. Then I asked if she wanted to go next, and she said "I can't do it, I can't put the moves together." I thought she was joking, or just being a little reluctant, so I said something like, "Well, just go up there and do your best. It's not a test, it's just a fun little exercise." She then said, "If I go up there, I'm going to burst into tears.", which is when I realized she was actually upset. I immediately told her she didn't have to do it; the point was to have fun, not to make anyone feel bad. Then the dam broke and she started bawling. ..c:: She said she was so mad at herself for not being able to do it, and that she hated being a quitter. I told her that she wasn't a quitter, that she had done most of the exercise and it was no problem if she didn't feel comfortable doing the demo portion. It was obvious the other students felt very awkward, so I moved on to the last person. The student continued to weep silently through the demo. ,f:: This brought us to the end of class, and unfortunately I didn't have a chance to talk to her as she grabbed her coat and booked out in record time. I'm not going to see her for a couple of weeks, as it was the last class of the session and we're going to have a two week break before the next one starts.

I just feel terrible about it, since I really pride myself on a classroom environment where the students not only learn, but have fun and feel good about themselves at the same time. Kinda feeling like I failed spectacularly on that front tonight. .w.: I also don't know if I should try to call or email her to check on her, or if she would rather I just act as if it never happened. I feel very weird about the whole thing because I'm not a touchy-feely type of teacher or person. I think I overslept the day God handed out nurturing qualities in people.

Any advise or commiseration would be greatly appreciated.

awww poor thing :(
well i def. dont think u had anything to do with it, there are days that we feel more helpless due to outside stress and maybe thats what happened in this case. i def. know there were times i wanted to bust out into tears in class but it def. didnt have to do with the teacher or anyone else in the class for that matter, its just frustration with myself and whatever else was going on in my life.

its a tough situation tho, not sure what to tell u about contacting her or not..on the one hand it could let her know that u felt bad about it and whatnot but on the other bringing the situation back up again would relive the embarrassment she might be feeling (at least it would for me)

I agree, it really sounds like there is something else on her mind. It couldn't hurt to check in. Give her a day or two and email her...

Often times, it has NOTHING to do with you... I don't always perform my best, because sometimes I just can't shut down the world outside of class. I haven't cried yet, but I've left class at the end feeling like crap about myself. FWIW, this was me last week (personal issues) with one of my dance classes. Life can become overwhelming and it just- spirals, I suppose. For me, however, it was a bunch of stuff that I do know, but my mind kept slipping to other things.

I think it might be nice for you to email her and let her know that you think she's a good dancer, that we all have our off days, and that you hope to see her next session. A phone call might be awkward, so an email would give some control if she would rather ignore it or respond.

What they said. I'm betting that how she reacted in class had very little to do with class or your teaching, and a LOT to do with what was going on in her life outside of class.

I agree that a phone call might be awkward and put her on the spot. But an email "really enjoyed having you in class, looking forward to seeing you next session" - might be nice.

Originally Posted by NaimahJannah

I agree, it really sounds like there is something else on her mind. It couldn't hurt to check in. Give her a day or two and email her...

Yes, this. It sounds to me, too, that there is something else on her mind. That is really sad. But I think you're handling the situation well - you were respectful of her during class, concerned about her afterwards.

I've cried in a class before. It was in a class that was supposed to be a group but ended up being a private with a very exacting teacher. At the time, what she was teaching was very much beyond me. My crying had very little to do with the teacher and a lot to do with the fact that I just couldn't do what she wanted me to do.

However, now that I've advanced a bit more I see this teacher for private classes.

An e-mail might be a good idea, just to let her know that it isn't a big deal.

I agree with the above, I don't think it was your fault and I don't think you should change what you're doing.

And if I were that student I'd be mortified if you called me!

I had a student who teared up and ran out of a workshop once. Similar scenario in that it was a stage presence workshop and an activity that required her to be in front of others (though not exactly alone).

I think there are times in people's lives when they're just not up to that kind of scrutiny. That's unfortunate, but still, if it's a performance class, you can't remove that element for them and still be doing your job.

My student came back to class the following session, by the way. I never mentioned it. She brought it up weeks later, and we talked about it briefly. Life went on. All is well now.

I think it would be good to call or email her and let her know that you really would like to see her in your next class, and that if the card exercise bothers her, she doesn't have to do it - you'll be asking for volunteers next time, and it's OK for her to not volunteer. Tell her that you thought she was enjoying the class before, and that you feel badly that she had a hard time today, and that you'd like to see her enjoying the dance again, because that's what it's all about.

Another way you can do the exercise: put students in groups of two or three, and have them come up with a sequence together. Maybe less intimidating?

Telling the student that you know she'll be able to do it when she's ready - "and until then, don't worry about it", might go over well, too.

awww, i really feel for her. frustration can definitely move students to tears (ironically, this happened to a student in my class tonight. a first for me too. maybe its the moon?) anyway, i suggest an email rather than a phone call because its less direct and she doesn't have to feel embarrassed to discuss it in person on the phone. maybe just ask if she's ok and that you think she's doing very well in class and you hope to see her next term. and is there anything you can do to clarify the class info for her.

i think every artist has either cried or felt like crying at least once, while working on something new. maybe it would help to mention to her that creating art brings lots of emotions and its natural.

An email would be a nice idea. She will probably feel weird about it too, so if she knows you're OK about it she will feel better.

i've cried in classes, i've cried in workshops. it has never made me quit for ever. and sometimes these have been quite usefull and productive break throughs.

and yes, an email is a good idea. make sure she knows class is a "safe" zone. no one is upset or angry that she cried. you are not upset or angry that she cried, and it is allright for her to have "barriers" and you as a teacher, yes, you want to push her a little, but she can take as much time as she wants for each little hurdle. dance class is a process, there are no deadlines.

I cried in a Suhaila workshop! I have also had one student leave when I used the "emotion" card. This was not her idea of fun. You did the right thing by telling her she could sit it out. It was her decision to force herself into an uncomfortable situation. Not your fault.

Speaking as someone who had a deer-in-the-headlights moment in one of her own earlier classes, it does not necessarily have to do with having some sort of personal emotional crisis at work or at home. It may also be stage fright and a lack of confidence in her abilities. Has this student ever performed before? If you have had very little performing experience, being asked to essentially improv in front of your classmates can be extremely intimidating for someone who isn't a natural extrovert, especially when you feel like the only one who's afraid to do it.

I would send her a short e-mail saying that you feel terrible this happened, and you never intended to make her feel uncomfortable or self conscious, but being able to possess the tools to perform a short, spontaneous dance in front of a small, non-judgmental audience is an important part of the learning process. Even if someone has no intention of going pro, it's still necessary to have at least a tiny bit of experience interacting with a crowd and dancing in front of others, because this is a performance art, and understanding the fundamentals of performing and improv are an essential part of the skill set. Then say that you feel she is making great progress in class/she has a lot of potential as a dancer/whatever compliments apply to her, and say that you don't want her talent to go to waste, and you want her to have the option of reaping the rewards of what she is accomplishing, even if she chooses not to use it. Offer to make yourself available if she wants to address the issue. (Would she like to sign up for a private lesson or two? Would you be willing to give her a few minutes of private lesson time before or after class as part of her regular tuition?) Tell her you don't want to push her, but if she's going to wait until the moment is perfect and she's completely ready, she may be playing the wallflower forever, and that would be a terrible shame. Remind her that the reason she's in your Level 2 class is because you have the confidence she deserves to be there. She may just need a little more encouragement than the other students.

I agree with the opinions about outside stresses having a lot to do with emotional reactions.

I also agree that tears sometimes denote a productive emotional catharsis. I once cried through more than half an entire workshop, and several entire arabic music lessons.

Projecting my emotional responses on your student: I would appreciate an email stating that you were not going to patronize me, but that performance anxiety (or whatever you might deem it) was not unusual (or however you want to describe it) and that my talent for x, y and z formed a good solid foundation for successful performances in the future, and that you look forward to seeing me again in class.

PS Aren't you glad I'M not in your class?

Originally Posted by maurazebra

I agree with the opinions about outside stresses having a lot to do with emotional reactions.

I also agree that tears sometimes denote a productive emotional catharsis. I once cried through more than half an entire workshop, and several entire arabic music lessons.

I am a cryer. Really, I cry a lot. For example, I cried during several moving Oscar speaches. ..cr.: I cry when I am sad, when I am happy, when I suddenly for no reason remember my dog that passed away 5 years ago.

I can imagine if I was having any sort of emotional day that doing something that made me slightly uncomfortable could bring me to tears.

I agree with everyone else, send her an e-mail and let her know you haven't judged her - I know that is what she is worrying about. And maybe you can tell her the next time she doesn't want to participate in a demo she can jut say "pass" and avoid talking about it - which is usually what will bring the tears out in me. ,f::

Originally Posted by NaimahJannah

I agree, it really sounds like there is something else on her mind. It couldn't hurt to check in. Give her a day or two and email her...

This is probably the case. Although when I have been asked to get up in front of the class and my teacher to do this, I want to bolt from the room too; I'm not comfortable with this either. But that's not from anything you did wrong either. She's probably just extremely shy on this matter too.

As your student who has done the cards in class I can honestly say they are usually well recieved and fun. We do usually do it in groups of 3 or 4. I imagine that for her it was either something that had nothing to do with class/ stage fright/ or a combo of both. Especially if this person were in the class for the excersize and never dreamed of actually performing. I agree that an nice email would be nice and then drop it. Maybe next time offer a choice between doing it alone or in a group? Hope this helps. {{HUGS}}

Agree with all of the above: Not your fault at all/prolly something else on the poor girl's mind (I can tell you from my own personal experience that lately I've been extremely anxious and weep at the drop of a hat, and 99.99% it has nothing to do with the task immediately at hand). Also, an email after a short while would be good.

Thanks so much for everyone's replies!

I do usually do this as a group exercise, but this particular class is one of my smaller ones (only 6 students this session), so in order for it to fit into the class time usually do solos instead of groups. Next time I will for sure do it in groups, and just have them make the combinations longer, or add something else on to the end of class - maybe combine all the combos together into kind of an on the fly mini-choreography.

The first thing my husband said when I told him about it was the same thing many of you have said, that perhaps there was something going on at home that exacerbated the problem. I'm sure she really did feel uncomfortable with the exercise, but it may have been that on top of something else. I think she was also upset that she was the only one who couldn't do it.

One lesson I've learned from this is that if I'm doing the cards with a student who's new to them, I will make sure to say that anyone can pass if they feel like the "performance" aspect is something they just can't do. As long as they're putting together the combination, they're doing the part that's really important to me - taking the first steps in being creative with their own dancing, instead of just always following my exact steps and movements.

I think I will let a day or so go by and just send a quick email saying how sorry I am that the exercise upset her, and letting her know that in the future I'll be letting everyone know up front that the demo portion is optional. I do think it's important to try to get my students to push through their comfort zones, because I've personally found that's where I've been able to grow as a dancer the most. But at the same time, I don't want to cause anyone - especially not someone who likely has no intention of ever performing - stress or upset to the point of tears.

Thank you all so much again for your advice - I really appreciate it!

I am a massive crier. Sometimes it is just from frustration, not grief. I don't usually get mad, I just cry.
She is probably extremely embarrassed. You should email her and just say that you were thinking about her and that you look forward to seeing her in a few weeks. Never bring it up.

I agree with everone else. Most likey not anything you did. I expect that at times students may be emotional, either because of stuff outside of class, or the release of emotions stored in the body. Especially when working in a part of the body a student may not have had a previous connection. There is always a body-mind connection and dance will do that to you.

It could also indicate that it was a good challenge she struggled with. I once was in a workshop, and it was a great experience, I learned lots from an excellent teacher. The material challenged me, and I struggled (in a good way) with how she connected expression to the music. After the workshop, I stopped at IKEA before a long drive home - and all of a sudden, between candles and forks and pillow cases, I has this strong desire to just cry. (I didn't, it was not the right place.) But, anyways, I look at this as a very good step: I worked hard on a challenge, let my guard down, and then had an emotional response to what happened to me, albeit a bit delayed and in a strange place. It may well be that this is what happened to her.

I agree with everybody that sending an assuring email sounds like a good idea.

We recently did some work on defensive behaviour at my workplace, and it was very helpful for me, so permit me to perhaps attempt to apply what I learned to your situation.

Basically it comes down to this: ABC.

A - Activating event.
B - Beliefs we have about this event, or the stories we tell ourselves.
C - Consequences that result from a combination of A + B

Her breaking down into tears was a consequence of being asked to prepare this demo (Activating event) and her own beliefs, whatever they might be.

You cannot control her beliefs or the stories she tells herself. It is possible, based on what she told you about not wanting to be a quitter, that she has been wrestling with other gremlins - other situations in which she feels she's failed, and now she has told herself that her discomfort at performing this exercise has something to do with that. We may never know for sure, though.

You have to recognize this for what it is: a form of defense. It is her reaction to what she feels is a threat - to her own self image; to her reputation; or whatever.

It's understandable she may feel this way but it's not your fault. What you asked of her and your other students is not unreasonable and it does not jeopardize their safety, reputations or whatever. You want them to grow and develop. That means facing down some challenges on their part.

When people's emotions start to overtake their sense of calm, rational thought, it's hard to reason with people. That's when we start to get defensive ourselves! It's when we start to doubt, and question, and try to appease and make exceptions and make apologies. But we have to stop the defensiveness cycle and just stay the course. This isn't being mean. It's being rational and acting with integrity.

I wouldn't change your approach because you said yourself you've made every effort to make your classroom a place of fun and learning. If you truly believe this, then one student's reaction is a blip. An anomaly. Why fix what's not broken?

When she is able to move past the defensiveness, she'll realize that she is capable of facing this challenge and she will come around.

I'm a crier. all the time, for any all and no reasons at all. I almost cried in a private with Aradia, because it was so nice to FINALLY have a private with her! (and I felt super challenged.)

So...being the emotional person I am...I agree with those who say a short email might be best. :)

Hopefully all will be well with everyone. :) She either had a lot of outside stressors, or she's just hypersensitive like me, which isn't bad...it can add a lot to your musicality! :) lol

*hugs*

Originally Posted by SandraDances

She is probably extremely embarrassed. You should email her and just say that you were thinking about her and that you look forward to seeing her in a few weeks. Never bring it up.

This.

I wouldn't bring up the "incident," either. She knows what happened.

Actually, I think I'd send an email to everybody -- with a "to" address that let's her know that the email is addressed to everybody -- reiterating how much you enjoyed the last session with them and that you're looking forward to the next one that begins (date).

Laura2 posted: "One lesson I've learned from this is that if I'm doing the cards with a student who's new to them, I will make sure to say that anyone can pass if they feel like the "performance" aspect is something they just can't do. As long as they're putting together the combination, they're doing the part that's really important to me - taking the first steps in being creative with their own dancing, instead of just always following my exact steps and movements."

I think this is very smart of you to do. Bravo!

Deborah

Originally Posted by zfejzic

well i def. dont think u had anything to do with it, there are days that we feel more helpless due to outside stress and maybe thats what happened in this case. i def. know there were times i wanted to bust out into tears in class but it def. didnt have to do with the teacher or anyone else in the class for that matter, its just frustration with myself and whatever else was going on in my life.

ditto. i've been performing for a little over a year (not long, i know but: ) in class we've had those demo drills a few times, i've never had a problem, i've been nervous before a show but never anything big. a couple weeks ago we had to do one of those exercises in front of our classmates and i nearly, literally, puked. it sounds like the same thing from everyone else, frustration with not meeting our own expectations, as opposed to feeling unable to live up to the instructor. this MIGHT be a constant thing in her life that came up that class for some reason, pms, breakup, flat tire, w/e.
good luck, but don't blame yourself.

Originally Posted by raqFariha

ditto. i've been performing for a little over a year (not long, i know but: ) in class we've had those demo drills a few times, i've never had a problem, i've been nervous before a show but never anything big. a couple weeks ago we had to do one of those exercises in front of our classmates and i nearly, literally, puked. it sounds like the same thing from everyone else, frustration with not meeting our own expectations, as opposed to feeling unable to live up to the instructor. this MIGHT be a constant thing in her life that came up that class for some reason, pms, breakup, flat tire, w/e.
good luck, but don't blame yourself.

I literally would turn into a stilt, having no bendable limbs. As a consequence, my teacher thought I was too stiff but I didn't have the nerve to tell her it was because I was very, very uncomfortable doing this. However, this should be expected in an advanced class but I couldn't seem to rise above it.

My suggestion for the next time you do these in class (demonstrations), is to make it seem very casual to all of the students, remind them that they are all students and this is simply an exercise in front of other students...just practice for one day dancing on a stage if they so choose...maybe as a teacher, grab a combo card and do the same thing, going first.
Still, I think she was probably bothered by something else, or just sensitive that day, and will come around. You didn't do anything wrong.
On the flip side, some people are just reeeally sensitive and don't let things roll off well, which is not your fault. They are paying for you to teach, and to learn, not to sit on the sidelines. So don't beat yourself up about it :) I know my teacher has been very tough on me in the past, and when I've screwed up (not necessarily dance moves) she let me know, even in front of others. In my opinion, that's what I payed her for, and I should know better. Yes, I've cried over it, but never in front of anyone else lol!