Thread: Strange Request

Today, I got a phone call from a man asking about private lessons. He really caught me off guard because the area code was from another city 3hrs away. He said he was from my city, so maybe it was a work phone on a network or something... not sure how that works?

Anyhow, so that had me wondering, but I was a little surprised when he mentioned the classes were for him. I'm from a small town, so it just caught me off guard. I'd really be happy to have students of any shape, size or sex.

Then he asks where we can have the classes... at a studio, or at his place?

I don't have a studio. I rent a space at a community hall, have the key and am alone in the building aside from my students. So, what I suggested was that we have the class at the local YMCA studio where there will be plenty of people around. It's reasonably priced and at a great location, anyway.

My husband, who is very easy-going and not jealous did not like it at all. He almost went as far as to forbid it. (Soooooo NOT like him). He has his haunches up, and I have to admit the whole scenario makes me uncomfortable.

However, I can't help but feel guilty for being so suspicious. Gosh, the guy just probably wants to learn to belly dance.

What would you guys do? I feel like it's completely safe to have the lesson in a public place, but now my husband has me all worried. Do you think this sounds like it's on the up and up?

Sometimes I admit to feeling a bit naive being a small-town girl. I really don't want to walk into a situation that would be unsafe, but I don't want to turn down a lesson when he is just as likely to be sincere in his ambitions to learn belly dance.

I don't know, I'm with your husband. Something about this scenario doesn't feel right.

Have your husband come to the class with you. Have him help set up the cd player or something when the student comes in, and have your husband sit just outside the studio with a book or something during the class.

That way, if the student is suss, then he knows you're not alone, and not to try anything. If he's a genuine student, maybe he's just a little shy about taking classes, but safety first. Don't feel bad about being suspicious.

Originally Posted by Nat242

Have your husband come to the class with you. Have him help set up the cd player or something when the student comes in, and have your husband sit just outside the studio with a book or something during the class.

That way, if the student is suss, then he knows you're not alone, and not to try anything. If he's a genuine student, maybe he's just a little shy about taking classes, but safety first. Don't feel bad about being suspicious.

Great suggestion. I've had a couple of men in my classes and they were totally genuine. But this guy could be shy or been hit by the "by women for women" mythology. Or he could be a creep, in which case you have help at hand. Needless to say a lesson at his place ain't a good idea.

Oh for sure. I think the offer to have the lesson at his place what the main factor in my wanting to be wary.

He says he's only available during the day, at which time my husband is at work. I don't really have anyone I could bring with me during that time.

Ok, strongly encourage him to attend one of your group classes. Tell him that is where you prefer your beginners to start.
Tell him that your private lessons are much more excellerated and in depth and that any of your students need to start in a group class.
If he is a serious student, he may protest a bit but he will find a way to get there. Also, dont fall for the old "I cant work it out in my schedule" thing and "Need to have lessons at this time only" If he pulls that one, refer him on to other classes or tell him to get online and find a teacher that better suits his schedule. Again, if he wants to take from you, he will find a way to be at your group lessons.
If he says he would be uncomfortable in a group, tell him everyone is a begnner at some point and that the other students will pay little attention to him as they will be concentrating on what THEY are doing.
That way, if he is an attention whore and wants YOUR time and flatery, you may address that issue. At any rate, keep things very public and dont go to any class alone with ANYONE you dont know. Girls can be kooks too ya know.

No way - I wouldn't do it - doesn't feel right to me either.

Really? Gosh, now I feel really naive... but you know - better safe than sorry. I don't think I want him at my public class since I have to lock up an empty building afterwards by myself. I had felt the YMCA was a safer alternative?

I told him I'd look into the studio and get back to him. What on earth should I tell him?

First of all to me sounds creepy and (my something is not correct senario alram went off)to me.I wouldn't do it. this guy could be a rapist or psycho all you know. You are the teacher you can set where you can teach, and when you are available. etc. You have the power here. This city gal says if it doesn't feel right listen to your instincts. your instincts are always 100% correct with situations like this. my advice pass on the private lesson. Don't try to convince yourself into doing it. Be wary, its your instinct telling you NOT to do it. I understand if the student in genuine yo udon't want to turn him away. I just don't it is genuine on his part.

Alrana

Maybe that the cost of studio time makes private lessons unfeasible? Or simply that you've rethought the matter and you don't think private lessons are a good way to go for a novice? You don't have to do anything that makes you uncomfortable, and the more pushy he gets, the more adamant you should be. If he takes offense, well, he takes offense. Not a big deal in the scheme of things.

Why not get a couple of your students to help you lock up after the public class? You should probably do that anyway, rather than do it alone.

Go to the Y and take your hubby with you, make him drive a different car and do a work out while you train, then if anything goes wrong he is there, and if it harmless he will feel better about it. As far as the area code thing. Im in japan and have an AZ zip code with technology now who know he could have been calling from france! Vonage is an amazing device that lets you make a phne through internet connections.....i wouldnt worry about it. He prob wants the private lessons becuse he is a guy....I would def do the Y tell him that it is better there since there are mirrors there and not the studio or something like that.....

I say you should flat out tell him that he is creeping you out! Why pussyfoot around it? That's the sort of "niceness" that gets people (especially women) into dangerous situations. Just tell him you do not do private sessions with students you don't know, male or female, because there is still a significant amount of "stranger danger" when you're all grown up. A self defense instructor once told me that you should always be brutally honest when in a sticky situation. (for instance, if you are on a date and you tell him hands off, but he won't quit, look him square in the eye and ask if he is intending to rape you.) Any reasonable personal will understand your caution-any one else is exactly what you want to avoid-crazy!

This one sets off my warning bells. I agree with your husband. Don't feel guilty for feeling suspicious.

Sometimes our instincts tell us something - in this case, yours roused your suspicions. I believe in trusting our instincts, even if your logical, rational mind can't articulate why you're concerned.

You've had a lot of good advice on this thread on what to do about the lesson request, so I'll just say think about everybody's suggestions, pick what seems right to you, and keep listening to your instincts. I think your idea of picking the Y is a good idea - stay alert, teach him, and see whether your opinion changes.

I'd also suggest reading the book The Gift of Fear by Gavin DeBecker.

I'm up 100% for trusting your instincts, and it sounds like your instincts are telling you to be suspicious.

Have you ever read those studies about how many women who are raped or attacked in some way had a 'bad feeling' right before it happened but ignored it? And very often they ignored it because they didn't want to hurt their attacker's feelings.

I'm not trying to say that this guy necessarily wants to attack you. It could just be about getting entangled with someone who has a lot of issues or drama surrounding them, etc. BUT any man who tries to set up a private bellydance lesson and suggests his place OUGHT to realize that he'll be setting off a lot of red flags. If he doesn't seem to anticipate that this might make a woman uncomfortable, then he's got, at the very least, some social & empathy issues.

I think you should tell him that between looking at your schedule and seeking a venue it's become obvious to you that this just isn't going to work well. Offer to add him to your mailing list so he'll be notified if any new class times become available. Actually, I think I'd tell him the truth (depending on how that felt at the moment). That you're completely open to teaching a male student, but that until you've gotten to know him in a group setting you're not comfortable setting up privates. In fact, I'd phrase that as 'surely you can understand...'. Because again, if he can't understand that then he may have a social disorder of some kind!

I'm curious about how the subject of private lessons came up. Did he ask for them right off the bat, or did it only come up because you thought it was best to not have him at the group class. I guess I would want to know his reason for wanting the lessons to be private before I decided I would feel creepy or not.

I have had a few people (all women) call me assuming that I will come to them for private lessons, which is not something that I offer. So I don't think the fact that he brought up his place necessarily sets off big honking alarms.

That said, if you are uncomfortable, I say go with your gut feeling. And Nat242 is right, you should try not to lock up alone if you can help it under any circumstances.

As a male Belly Dancer myself, I'm with everyone else here - my alarm bells are ringing BIG TIME! .p::

I've always gone WAAAAY out of my way to make my dance sisters, and instructors, feel safe with/around me. Any guy trying to break into a woman dominated area should be doing this.

At the very least, see if you can draw him out. I was a baby dancer of all of 6 weeks when I had to change instructors from one who had had lots of experience with male students - to one who had never had one before. She asked me all kinds of "careful questions" about the how, where, and especially the "WHY" of my interest in Belly Dance.

I'm the very first person to raise my hackles about equal opportunity for men, blah, blah. BUT - I'm also just as quick to want to protect my dance sisters from creepy men.

Do be careful!

Originally Posted by Adishakti

Today, I got a phone call from a man asking about private lessons. He really caught me off guard because the area code was from another city 3hrs away. He said he was from my city, so maybe it was a work phone on a network or something... not sure how that works?

Anyhow, so that had me wondering, but I was a little surprised when he mentioned the classes were for him. I'm from a small town, so it just caught me off guard. I'd really be happy to have students of any shape, size or sex.

Then he asks where we can have the classes... at a studio, or at his place?

I don't have a studio. I rent a space at a community hall, have the key and am alone in the building aside from my students. So, what I suggested was that we have the class at the local YMCA studio where there will be plenty of people around. It's reasonably priced and at a great location, anyway.

My husband, who is very easy-going and not jealous did not like it at all. He almost went as far as to forbid it. (Soooooo NOT like him). He has his haunches up, and I have to admit the whole scenario makes me uncomfortable.

However, I can't help but feel guilty for being so suspicious. Gosh, the guy just probably wants to learn to belly dance.

What would you guys do? I feel like it's completely safe to have the lesson in a public place, but now my husband has me all worried. Do you think this sounds like it's on the up and up?

Sometimes I admit to feeling a bit naive being a small-town girl. I really don't want to walk into a situation that would be unsafe, but I don't want to turn down a lesson when he is just as likely to be sincere in his ambitions to learn belly dance.

I think there is one to many warning bells. Different area code. Wanting a private at his place.

Have you asked this guy why he wants to learn to dance?

I'd be inclined to not do it, too many weirdos around these days. I'd only give the lesson if you husband is around.

Don't think I need to comment re the private lesson because you have a lot of great advice and ideas already.

But, I do want to emphasise the importance of not leaving any class on your own. We recently in Perth had two women go missing, one was found hiding out at a friends place after a disagreement with her husband. The other was found in a shallow grave in a inner city park. The last time she was seen was leaving a boot scooting class late at night...

I take a late night class, and nobody goes to thier cars alone. Some-one always waits with me to lock up. It is unfortunate, but there are dodgy people about. And it's not that we need to be paranoid, it's just about looking after ourselves and the people we care about. Like putting a safety belt on when you drive a car. You don't expect something to happen, it's just a precaution.

Just chiming in with everyone else - be cautious here. Something about this just doesn't feel right. Yes, perhaps we're all being a bit over-cautious, but better safe than sorry.

Tell him the YMCA is booked up with classes. Then tell him about your regular classes - see WHY he doesn't want to come toa group class. If he seems insistent on a private class in a NON-CREEPY way, then I *still* would NOT recommend going there alone. Bring your husband - if this means he has to have a class at a time where your husband is available, so be it. If you can't offer him a class that suits you both, refer him to other classes/teachers, just as you would for any other student who can't make your class times.

Listen to everybody's alarm bells here, I think. :policeblinker:

i also agree that is is best to trust your gut instincts.

he may be creepy / dangerous
he may be shy
he may be an aspiring cross-dressing performer and doesn't want anyone to know

what ever you decide to do, please be safe.

I think you get a 'feeling' about certain things, people and situations. A gut feeling. Follow your instincts. I work in my friend's belly dance shop, and we get some right odd characters coming in. One guy, loves to dress up in the gowns...we put a stop to it early on after catching him stark bollock naked rubbing his privates against the sheer chiffon of a pair of orange harem pants. He rings up every so often trying to get us to let him in the shop and asking for private tuition. We all had a 'gut feeling' about him early on, but decided we were being mean and gave him the benefit of the doubt. Bad decision.

Originally Posted by kharis_UK

I think you get a 'feeling' about certain things, people and situations. A gut feeling. Follow your instincts. I work in my friend's belly dance shop, and we get some right odd characters coming in. One guy, loves to dress up in the gowns...we put a stop to it early on after catching him stark bollock naked rubbing his privates against the sheer chiffon of a pair of orange harem pants. .

Oh that's disgusting. I mean - why make hareem pants in ORANGE. Yuk Yuk Yuk.

Originally Posted by micamica

I say you should flat out tell him that he is creeping you out! Why pussyfoot around it? That's the sort of "niceness" that gets people (especially women) into dangerous situations. Just tell him you do not do private sessions with students you don't know, male or female, because there is still a significant amount of "stranger danger" when you're all grown up. A self defense instructor once told me that you should always be brutally honest when in a sticky situation. (for instance, if you are on a date and you tell him hands off, but he won't quit, look him square in the eye and ask if he is intending to rape you.) Any reasonable personal will understand your caution-any one else is exactly what you want to avoid-crazy!

On a more serious note, thank you to the lady who posted this. I think this is great advice. I was once offered a lift home by a stranger in a social dance setting (I was doing a bit on Lindey Hop at the time). I had gone alone to a social dance, and had a great time all night, got talking to a couple, and they said their car was full, but their friend mr X would give me a lift. I said, that's so nice of you, but I've only just met you and I don't feel safe, so I'm going to get a taxi instead. The guy protested, and looked hurt, which said to me that I had made the right decision, as if it were the other way around I would have understood completely. ALWAYS trust your gut, DON'T get caught up with trying to be polite in situation where people are using that to get you vulnerable.

Okay, I'm so jaded you'll just have to forgive me for laughing on this one, but seriously:

"Then he asks where we can have the classes... at a studio, or at his place?"

..c::

I'm pretty sure there's no question what's going on here. Adi, you're to be commended for believing the best in people but "your place or mine" means pretty much one thing in the world of men and women IMO (unless we're talking friends or family in which case it could be who's got the cleaner apartment/house for visiting).

Originally Posted by danidance

Okay, I'm so jaded you'll just have to forgive me for laughing on this one, but seriously:

"Then he asks where we can have the classes... at a studio, or at his place?"

..c::

I'm pretty sure there's no question what's going on here. Adi, you're to be commended for believing the best in people but "your place or mine" means pretty much one thing in the world of men and women IMO (unless we're talking friends or family in which case it could be who's got the cleaner apartment/house for visiting).

What world of men and women? ..l;, I married my high school sweetheart!

Hey, I admitted being naive. That's why I'm asking y'all what you think.

I'm not inviting him to my public class. The classes are small and my beginner group this session seem very shy and unsure of themselves. If I knew he was on the up and up, I'd be happy to have him there too, but "this" man seems a little "off" to me based on his requests and I don't want to make my students uncomfortable. I'm not going to do the private lesson during the day as per his request either.

After sleeping on it and reading everyone's opinions, I think what I will do is offer him a private lesson at the YMCA in the evening when my husband is available to accompany me. He said evenings aren't good for him, but my safety is more important - if he really wants this lesson then he'll have to arrange his schedule to accommodate me.

I AM way too trusting... but I'm not stupid either. Generally, I try to find a balance between my own comfort and being considerate of other people. Thanks for the advice, guys... I think I've got enough ammunition now to be able to respond in a way I'm comfortable with.

I believe in being cautious and everyone has raised good points about safety and how to approach the matter. However, I do think there are *reasonable* explanations for the area code and the "privates at my place" issues being discussed.

As Annwyn pointed out, with today's technology, an area code doesn't mean much in terms of where the call is originating from. My cell phone still has a Hartford area code, despite that I've been living in Boston for nearly 2 years now (I'm too lazy to change it). My dad travels between both coasts frequently and has a cell phone with a west coast area code that he uses almost exclusively -- he doesn't even have a land line at his east coast residence. So I wouldn't be suspicous at all about the area code... and if I was for some reason, I would simply ask in a non-threatening way ("You're phone number is from a town 3 hours away... wouldn't you prefer to find a teacher more local to you??").

As for the "your place or mine" question... well, I actually get this question a lot from students inquiring about privates. Essentially they are asking where the classes will be held (a reasonable question). Now, if this student were a woman, no one would think "at a studio or at my house" an odd question. True, the guy should be more conscious of how it sounds to ask for private dance lessons from a woman in his own house... but frankly I find a lot of men who DON"T think about these issues until they are brought up to them... then they are often embarrased and apologetic for not realizing what we all find so obvious. My apologies to the men on this forum, but often times your sex is a bit clueless when it comes to these things (and of course there are wonderful exceptions to this!).

I'm not suggesting you throw all caution to the wind and give him a private at his house! NOOOOOO! But unless this guy gave me a serious bad vibe when I spoke to him, I would probably try to find a safe way to accommodate him. Unless of course your husband really really does not want it, in which case I would encourage him to take group classes (and even explain to him the reasons why). As I said, most men (despite being clueless at times) are at least reasonable and would understand the situation if you explained it. And if he doesn't, well, good ridence.

Originally Posted by aazura

As for the "your place or mine" question... well, I actually get this question a lot from students inquiring about privates. Essentially they are asking where the classes will be held (a reasonable question). Now, if this student were a woman, no one would think "at a studio or at my house" an odd question. True, the guy should be more conscious of how it sounds to ask for private dance lessons from a woman in his own house...

I'm glad you posted this, because I was starting to think I was the only one who got people assuming I would bring the private lessons to their house. I was really startled the first couple of times it got brought up, but it's happened often enough that it doesn't throw me at all anymore. I think the guy thing adds a layer of weirdness to it, but I just wanted to suggest that it *could* indicate cluelessness as opposed to an ulterior motive.

I think the solution you've come up with is great, Adishakti.

Originally Posted by Adishakti

...I think what I will do is offer him a private lesson at the YMCA in the evening when my husband is available to accompany me. He said evenings aren't good for him, but my safety is more important - if he really wants this lesson then he'll have to arrange his schedule to accommodate me.

I am waiting to hear whether this lesson ever materialises, because I definitely got the bad vibe on this one from the start. I can't help thinking as soon as you mention that your SO will be right on hand, that he will somehow find he can't make it after all...

Call me Mrs Cynical.

I'm curious to hear how this plays out, too.

I think you made the right decision, Adishakti.

Yeah Bea - I bet he doesn't want the lesson when your husband is there.