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  1. #1
    I could get used to this! CatandKali's Avatar
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    I need some advice PLEASE!!!!

    First off, I probably would not be posting this if I wasn't pregnant. I'm a little emotional now but this would have GREATLY upset me anyway. We live in a small town in the middle of Georgia so the belly dance community is small. I am having a serious problem with another instructor. She has been bad mouthing and lying about me for more than six months now. When it started, it made me cry because I thought she was a friend. I for the most part, just ignored everything because I HATE DRAMA and there is enough drama in my life already! Well, this week, I found out that she thought it would be acceptable to tell one of my students VERY personal information about something that happened to me in 2006. I couldn't have imagined anything more hurtful, until, said person decided to attack my 11yo daughter. She said that children have no place in belly dance (stupid I know), that she can't dance and when she does she dances like a slut (Then why does Morocco want to adopt her and why did she come in second in a world dance competition when all the other competitors were adults and college kids). Oh, then there was the she doesn't dress appropriately (Then why do people comment on how appropriately she is dressed. She does not wear bras. At lest, not until she is 13 and has boobs.). She has me so upset, I CAN'T THINK STRAIGHT!!! I hope that this gives enough info so that maybe ya'll could tell me what you'd do! I REALLY could use some advice!!!!!!!
    Blessings,
    Cat


  2. #2
    Ultimate BHUZzer dunyah's Avatar
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    Re: I need some advice PLEASE!!!!

    Sorry you are going through this, that is really hurtful. I think I would ignore her lies but if she said something hurtful directly to my 11-yr-old daughter, I think I would tell her that my daughter is off limits and to leave her alone!

    It sounds like your daughter is very talented, and probably you are, too. Perhaps the other dancer is jealous. Never underestimate professional jealousy among dancers, it can be ugly. And sometimes it's pretty unconscious on the jealous person's side - they can justify in their mind the bad things they are saying about the other person without admitting that they feel jealousy.

    Mostly, you just have to "rise above" people like that and trust that their lies will be obvious to the people who know you. But when your child is involved, it has gone too far and needs to be stopped. I think you have to speak to her directly but calmly and politely ask her to lay off the negative comments about your child.

    This kind of stuff is one reason why I moved away from a small town years ago and have never wanted to go back to one. Maybe other Bhuzzers who live in small communities will have some ideas for you.
    Last edited by dunyah; 06-24-2010 at 08:13 PM.


  3. #3
    Viv
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    Official BHUZzer Viv's Avatar
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    Re: I need some advice PLEASE!!!!

    My daughter has danced with me off and on throught the years as she's wanted to, she's never really been a dancer at heart like I am. It sounds to me like you have a darling on your hands and I would love to see her dance!

    I did have a few people tell me the same BS, not appropriate and all that garbage. My reply was to look them straight in the eye and say in a completely deadpan voice. "And I should care what you think why?" My world doesn't revolve around their opinons of me as a mother. The only opions I care about is my hubby's and my Mom's and they both think I've done a faboo job. (I still have no idea how....lol).

    I also taught kiddo the same thing. She's took down three cheerleaders and two bullies the first week of school her freshman year with that phrase. Not a single person has tried to bully her in the past three years of high school. And the best side effect of that attitude? She believes it. She has no reason to give a flying leap what anyone thinks of her and is very true to herself in a way I never was and still struggle to be. Damned powerful words.


  4. #4
    Advanced BHUZzer yameyameyame's Avatar
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    Re: I need some advice PLEASE!!!!

    I have no advice, but to put things in perspective, whenever I hear a dancer saying things like that about another dancer (especially one who is a child) I am much more inclined to think badly of the person doing the talking than of the person being talked about.

    If it just sounds like trash talk, it is very unlikely that I actually believe what the person is saying, and I in fact become suspicious of the person doing the talking, thinking that if this is how she talks about other people behind their backs, she would probably do the same to me.

    I realize not everyone is like that, and some people might believe her and partake in the trash talk and gossip. But if she has a personal vendetta against you, this is probably obvious to the majority of people listening to her, especially if you treat everyone nicely and respectfully and don't engage in personal insults against your offender in return. I think in the end, she is just shooting herself in the foot.


  5. #5
    Established BHUZzer GenevieveOfAtlanta's Avatar
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    Re: I need some advice PLEASE!!!!

    Cat, having attended events with you and Kali I can certainly say that you are both talented individuals who do not deserve what you're being put through in any way. I've never seen Kali dance or dress inappropriately, and she is usually one of the most well received performers in the show.

    What would I do? Confront this woman directly. Honestly, she sounds like a jealous coward who will happily spread rumors and lies, but those are just the kind of people who have NO IDEA what to do when their victims confront them face to face. Tell her that her behavior is unacceptable, that you will not tolerate her spreading lies about your daughter and that she not only owes you an apology, but she needs to keep her mouth shut.

    Normally I am not a confrontational person, but I believe that's the only way to stop this kind of behavior. In order to be effective, you'll have to be firm and strong while keeping your emotions in check (hard to do, I know, especially while pregnant!). You'll also want to do this in private, of course, to avoid making a scene and giving her more fodder for gossip.


  6. #6
    Established BHUZzer faaria's Avatar
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    Re: I need some advice PLEASE!!!!

    Wow, sounds as if she has a BIG jealousy problem, most who bad mouth do.
    I certainly know how you feel, when someone bad mouths your child it brings out the mother lion in us all!
    I differ in my opinion I guess. Don't bite, at all. (explain why you will not bite to your daughter so she understands why and doesn't feel you are not sticking up for her. If she knows about this).
    this is why I feel that you shouldn't bite: From what you have said it sounds as if this person has the agenda to get you going. (by using very personl infoemation first she tried) Then by attacking your daughter. It seems very important to her to get you stirred up for some reason (who knows with these people really?). By addressing it you give her power and really she should not and has not had any. Maybe she is just looking for power over you? Don't give her any. Dance away and tuck it your what the hell? file!
    I hope that helps out a little. (appriciate your skills and your daughter's they must have really made an impression to gain haters..g.:)


  7. #7
    Mega BHUZzer Sahirah_Badr's Avatar
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    Re: I need some advice PLEASE!!!!

    Hi Cat - as the Mom to a 12 year old dancer I would agree with what a lot of other addressed above.

    There is a lot of jealousy in people, the sources can surprise you. I agree with Dunyah, as sometimes they can be in total denial of their jealousy, or think they are 'critiquing' when they are 'slamming' and unnecessarily so. It sounds to me you have a gifted daughter who is on her way at becoming a brilliant adult bellydancer. I am lucky, the dancers around me adore my daughter and I feel like I share her with them (the 'village' raising the child). I make no bones about thanking them for their support of her. I believe in sending out gratitude, love and trust, and it can overcome things like envy and hatred.

    Get in tune with yourself for a moment and 'be' the other dancer for a moment. Think about her entire situation and don't judge it. Perhaps her star is fading and she doesn't want to let go of that yet? Maybe personal problems are consuming her and she is reacting outward? If she is a friend of some sort, you might want to address the issue gently, if you see something there. In life people will always have their own views.

    My daughter is a mini tribal dancer. She is very "Zoe Jakes" in her movements so she is pop/locky, she is NOT suggestive, but sharp precision and amazing. She wears typical tribal gear - melodias, hip scarf, bra/kuchi - sometimes her tummy is covered and other times it is not. People adore her and they tell me so. If there are critiques, they are fielded by me, and occasionally I bring her in to listen. In any given crowd, there are going to be the people who feel a child bellydancing is wrong, no matter what she wears. Just like an SCA dancer who is very 'era' focused might find fault in something you're wearing that isn't right for the time period. That's their opinion.

    I am certain there may be people out there who don't like me or how we dance - but you know what? I have a smart kid. She's great in school, loves cello, has lots of friends and she's a sweet little human being. I just love her to pieces.

    Don't let the little judgements and sniping drag you down. Honor who you are, who Kali is and rise above it. IF this other dancer has nasty intent, then people will see through it eventually. I certainly would LOVE to see Kali dance someday and would be tearing up, as it is beautiful when a child shows both her gift and her spirit.
    Last edited by Sahirah_Badr; 06-24-2010 at 04:21 PM.


  8. #8
    Mega BHUZzer gothique's Avatar
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    Re: I need some advice PLEASE!!!!

    ITA with Bhuzzers above.

    I'm sorry you and your daughter are going through this!
    It does sound like jealuosy.

    I have a few ?'S
    How is this all getting back to you?
    How well do you know this person?
    Would she embelish things to stir stuff up?

    Sounds like games girls played in highschool, I guess some never grow up!


  9. #9
    Advanced BHUZzer Jennah's Avatar
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    Re: I need some advice PLEASE!!!!

    It sounds like her badmouthing to your student and saying hurtful, untrue facts about your daughter is most likely envious that you may have:
    more students than her and she wants to take away your students
    a very talented daughter who belly dances well (maybe she doesn't have any talented children?)

    It also shows her "true colors" in her character. Hopefully, other instructors, dancers and students will see through her and see that she is just plain envious.


  10. #10
    Mega BHUZzer gothique's Avatar
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    Re: I need some advice PLEASE!!!!

    ITA with Bhuzzers above.

    I'm sorry you and your daughter are going through this!
    It does sound like jealuosy.

    I have a few ?'S
    How is this all getting back to you?
    How well do you know this person?
    Would she embelish things to stir stuff up?

    Sounds like games girls played in highschool, I guess some never grow up!


  11. #11
    I could get used to this! CatandKali's Avatar
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    Re: I need some advice PLEASE!!!!

    Thank you guys! I can't tell you how much this has helped me. If only I was a better person, I would feel sorry for her and maybe, probably, if I wasn't pregnant I would on some level. I have heard things from enough trusted people to know it's true, unfortunately. I don't understand the wanting to take someone else's students. I encourage my students to learn from as many people as possible. I have told many people about her class. She is sca and I am cabaret. I see NO reason for there to be any type of competition between us. Even if we did the same style, in my mind there would still be no need to compete. I will never be her and she will never be me. We both WIN!! YEA!!! NO NEED FOR DRAMA!!!
    Yes, Kali is a dancer in every way. She takes ballet, jazz, modern, lyrical, tap, hip hop (to build speed), belly dance, has spent 2 years as a teacher assistant in a creative movement class for 3 & 4 yos and she just performed on a cruise with her dance ensemble. According to two of her instructors, she is not only a dancer but a chorographer as well. It's kind of funny to see her take over in an adult dance class when the students are to create a short chorography.
    As of right now, Kali does not know what was said about her. Since I homeschool my children, I try to use everything as a learning experience. I know, I'm going to have to sit her down and talk to her about this. I JUST DON'T WANT TO (yes, I can have a 2yo temper tantrum at almost 38). I would much rather her hear it from me than to be caught off guard and hear it from someone else. I know my wonderful child and she is going to wonder why it bothers me if it doesn't bother her. We have already had talks about how people will say mean things when they are jealous. I am so blessed in that Kali is very realistic about life except when it comes to spending money (she's already asked for her first bra set to either be a Bella or Pharonics). I just hate to have to reinforce the if your tall, thin, pretty and talented, you better develop a tough skin because people are going to say mean things about you.
    I am really just trying to avoid the woman right now! I don't entirely trust myself, in my current state, to play nice! The only thing I know for sure is that I should go eat something before class. Maybe, my husband is right and I'm having another girl! Well, at lest I know it's one of my children not just because it's in my belly but because it's already demanding. Baby has decided that I can't teach for two hours without food! We find out if we're having a dancer or drummer next week!!! Until then, I know it's a baby!
    Thanx again!!!!


  12. #12
    Mega BHUZzer Sahirah_Badr's Avatar
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    Re: I need some advice PLEASE!!!!

    Quote: "How is this all getting back to you?
    How well do you know this person?
    Would she embelish things to stir stuff up?"

    THANK YOU Gothique!

    DO consider the source of this information! I am going through this right now, a person fabricating and pitting people against each other. LUCKILY for me, people are onto this person and she is gaining a bad reputation for this behavior and people are starting to exclude her in business. The Drama-makers. They feel good when making others feel bad and like to stir up drama. She's actually fabricated conversations! That can be dangerous if someone believes her. Personally, I feel sorry for this person, as she has NO idea how she looks to other people and how she is acting - even when I asked her directly! sigh

    In fact - I haven't sent her good thoughts today, this reminds me to do so.
    Last edited by Sahirah_Badr; 06-24-2010 at 05:33 PM.


  13. #13
    Established BHUZzer shenudance's Avatar
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    Re: I need some advice PLEASE!!!!

    Cat,
    The most important thing right now is your family...Don't let this person get to you(I KNOW, it's hard,especially when she drags your kids into the mix...). You don't need extra crap! My concern is that you stay healthy and don't let this stressful situation affect the unborn baby! You have enough to deal with just at home.....
    Listen to what the other girls are saying.........
    I'll be praying for you and don't let this person steal your joy!


  14. #14
    I could get used to this! CatandKali's Avatar
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    Re: I need some advice PLEASE!!!!

    Thank you! I can use all the prayers I can get! I feel so much better now thanks to everyone's support and because two hours of dancing always puts me in a better mood.
    Just to spread the joy, I thought I'd share something from class tonight. One of my students has renamed belly rolls to the wake the baby move! Hope it at least makes you smile! I thought it was funny but I have know idea what baby thinks!


  15. #15
    Master BHUZzer Souzan's Avatar
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    Re: I need some advice PLEASE!!!!

    Cat, I am so sorry this is happening to you. Kali is an adorable and talented dancer and I love how she wears age appropriate versions of the same costumes adult troupe members are wearing. She has more poise and stage presence than many adult dancers. Congratulations on the new baby! Take care.

    Souzan


  16. #16
    Advanced BHUZzer maurazebra's Avatar
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    Toughen up!

    Quote Originally Posted by CatandKali View Post
    First off, I probably would not be posting this if I wasn't pregnant. I'm a little emotional now but this would have GREATLY upset me anyway. We live in a small town in the middle of Georgia so the belly dance community is small. I am having a serious problem with another instructor. She has been bad mouthing and lying about me for more than six months now. When it started, it made me cry because I thought she was a friend... I couldn't have imagined anything more hurtful, until, said person decided to attack my 11yo daughter.
    This is, unfortunately, within the range of 'normal' behavior in many creative genres. There's very little that people like better than gossip and drama, especially the negative kind. It's funny when you see it in a movie but when it happens to you? Think of it as a chance to learn how to cut your losses. 'Friend' suddenly turns unfriendly? People bad-mouthing dancing daughter? Folks suddenly stop saying hi even when you talk to them? Dealing with this needs to be in the business plan, IMO. Down to the granular level, as in: what you do when you first find out, what you do when they snub you in public, how you respond when they fish for negative remarks about your activities on public forums, what you do when they try to get their friends to leave your studio, troupe, social events.

    Make a plan, Mom, and stick to the plan. It is the best way to protect your daughter and she will appreciate it as she gets older.
    Last edited by maurazebra; 06-25-2010 at 09:17 AM.


  17. #17
    Official BHUZzer roguepen's Avatar
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    Re: I need some advice PLEASE!!!!

    Quote Originally Posted by Sahirah_Badr View Post
    DO consider the source of this information! I am going through this right now, a person fabricating and pitting people against each other.
    No, in this case, the person who was initially told all this stuff was really upset. She was in shock that a teacher would just walk up to her and bad-mouth a friend.

    Admittedly, there's a lot of personality conflicts around here but this was way over the line.

    We have a very small community and many of us have taken classes with other teachers. You don't have to like everyone but it helps to be on civil terms if nothing more than for business.

    I think confronting this person at this point would be useless. She lost at least one student because of what she said. So, hopefully, that might be enough of hint.


  18. #18
    Advanced BHUZzer Marianna's Avatar
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    Re: I need some advice PLEASE!!!!

    when it comes to our kids we can get very upset - and rightfully so! It's one thing to talk about you, and it's another to involve kids.
    I have a 12 year old daughter, and although she doesn't dance, I understand how you feel.
    I would totally confront this person and would make it obvious and very clear that she better leave my daughter alone. I may even scratch her eyes out - ok, seriously, that wouldn't happen, but I would be very firm about this issue.

    I hope you will find the solution that works best for you. In my opinion ignoring is great, but easier said than done, and I would feel I have unfinished business with this person, and it would always hurt me. So I would confront her.


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