Thread: Handing the class back; now I feel like I have EVERY ONE upset with me!

Hi Bhuzzers,

Please forgive me, if the is the wrong forum.

Last November, my instructor was diagnosed with a life threatening illness.

She asked me to take over the class, until she is well enough to come back.

The beginning of this month, she asked me to quit teaching immediately.
She felt no one would show up, at a new place she found to teach, if I didn't quit.

I told her, I can't until the end of the month, because the private club we have class in, had put an add in their flyer. I couldn't to that to the club.
BTW, I did NOT ask for the add to be put in, one of the students, took it on her OWN to do that!

I quit teaching at the private club, now all the students are upset with me!

They want me to continue; because they like being able to get (alcoholic) drinks, and food after class. My instructor can't go back in there, because there's a lot of cigarette smoke, and she's afraid it will harm her.

I told them "It's just not done that way, she trusted me to hand the class back. I am keeping my promise to her. Otherwise, I'd be stealing her students."
They really gave me a hard time about this.

They said they liked my teaching better.
(I think that may have gotten back to the instructor, and that's part of the reason she wanted me to quit, before she even knows if she's well enough to teach).

One of the students wrote an email to everyone else, stating that she's NOT going to go to the new place, because it didn't fit her lifesstyle, and she told the others "You can do what you want. I myself, am NOT going!"
(I think she did this, to convince the others, not to go either).

I went to my instuctors new class, 'most' everyone showed up, for her first class.
I taught the first half, she did the second.

The following week, only one other student showed up (I popped in, but I couldn't stay, because i had personal things to take care of).
They said they weren't going to; and I don't think they will ever give the new (smoke free), place a chance.

I tried to come up with a compromise to try to make everyone happy.
(Honestly, I need the money)

I asked her, if I found her more students to fill up the new place, would it be ok, if I continued to teach at the old one?
She said "No! They're MY students!!!!"
(Not now. They're no one's students.)

I'm not going to go against my word.
I'll continue to help her out, when she needs me.

All of them have put me under a LOT of stress!!!

I hope my instuctor forgives me for the suggestion; and I am thankful she's feels well enough to teach.
I pray she's cured!

Note: Her class is going to be smaller, because most of the students are leaving for the summer!

Thank you in advance for reading, and responses.

(((Hugs)))

I don't think you're wrong to want to honor whatever contract you have with the current facility, even if it's an implicit one in a flyer. I don't think it would have been unreasonable for the teacher to have waited until next month (after the current advertising expired) to resume her classes. She's waited this long, so a few more weeks wouldn't have made a difference, and if she's not completely healthy, it's a disservice to students to have a teacher who can't participate fully in her own classes anyway.

OTOH, students shouldn't be doing formal publicity for your classes. (Word of mouth and distributing flyers for you, great. Booking your ads without your permission, no.) Students who think the best part of your class is the convenience of alcohol afterward would definitely be disappointing to me, and it's always a difficult situation when one student tries to sway the direction of the group. If students prefer your style to the other teacher's, then it is really unfortunate that her illness exposed that, but it's not your fault. You're not required to do your job worse to protect hers. Sometimes the lead gets sick, the understudy goes on, and the lead doesn't get the job back. Welcome to showbiz.

It would have been difficult to hammer out a contract when you didn't know how the teacher's illness would play out, but this should have been a mature, mutual decision between the two of you, not a tug-of-war with you as the rope. I can see how the teacher would see your starting a new class in a different location as "poaching," but if you don't have a non-compete contract with her, she can't stop you, and the market isn't required to indulge teachers who aren't as desirable/qualified/healthy/whatever as others because somebody says so. I don't think there is a good way out of this. Students will wander away from someone's fold. Feelings will get hurt. All you can do is be professional and try not to say or do anything impulsive you'll regret later.

Originally Posted by gothique

I told them "It's just not done that way, she trusted me to hand the class back. I am keeping my promise to her. Otherwise, I'd be stealing her students."
They really gave me a hard time about this.

They are upset/angry about the change, which is understandable. Some of them may have the idea, conscious or not, that they can bully you into doing the wrong thing so they get their way. But the bottom line is that you promised to hand back and you are keeping that promise. That's not something to feel stressed about or go on a guilt trip for. It's THEIR problem to deal with.

Perhaps it will blow over and they will drift back to her once they come to terms with the change. Perhaps not... in which case it becomes your teacher's recruitment and retention problem. (She is the one who changed the venue, yes? - were you at the smoky venue before she got ill?)

IMO it might be best to take the possibility of your continuing the smoky venue classes right out of the picture once the month is out (yeah, what was that student doing???), so your teacher doesn't feel threatened/betrayed and her class has a chance to re-establish without students thinking "oh I won't bother, we'll just hang on a few weeks for Gothique's class to start up again".

You are a very good person to honour your word, your teacher and the want to not deliberately upset anyone. The problem here is that your teacher is not being fair or rational.

I am sympathetic to the insecurities arising from an illness, and the low self-esteem that a) being away from dance and b) hearing your student has grown to be a better instructor than you, can bring (based on your description). I pray she will overcome these challenges with grace and dignity but this thread is about YOU, not her, so my advice is on how to help you.

Since you strike me as a considerate, sincere and honest person, I would consider:
- keep attending her classes as a sign of respect
- take a hiatus from teaching for the summer to let things cool down
- openly express your gratitude for all she has taught you
- praise your teacher's strengths publicly and avoid supporting or offering any weaknesses
- perhaps even organizing a hafla (keep it simple) in her honour celebrating her improved health and contribution to the BD community throughout the years

Give her until mid-August to come around and take her ego out of the situation (ie, no more ridiculous, insecure demands) and then resume teaching for September. Tell her first (mid-August), before you announce it publicly, that you would like to continue teaching and when and where you will. Thank her in advance for her support and explain how grateful you are to her since you would never have gotten here if it weren't for her.

If she gets upset at you again, at this point, it is not your problem. Show her nothing but kindness, to avoid burning bridges and in good human decency, but continue doing what you enjoy and what is a positive contribution to your community.

You can't change anyone's opinion. You are only accountable to yourself and your moral and spiritual beliefs (God, Mother Nature, etc). If your actions and words support how YOU would like to be treated if the roles are reversed, there is nothing to weigh down your conscience. You just can't please everyone.

Since you are now a teacher, you are role model for your students. Dedicate yourself to emerging from this with good graces, dignity and being true to yourself. Oh, and don't worry about the money. Things always work out if you let them flow. Fighting it (like your teacher seems to be) doesn't bring riches (of all kinds).

Good luck and strength to you during this trying experience. Think of how much you will learn from it! ;-)

Beautiful advice from Hala Jamal! You will be a winner in the situation if you follow her plan, I should think.

Thank you all for your responses.

It does bother me that the alcoholic drink, and food, is so important. The old club, isn't far from the new place, we could have all gone there afterwards.
The add, 'IS' partly my fault. The student that took it on her own, might not have been at the table; when I told everyone that I prefer NOT to take on new students. I have a hearing problem (she knows this), she came up to me while I was busy changing the music, and MENTIONED something about a flyer, and said she wanted to talk to me (at least that's what I thought I heard). She wanted to discuss this DURING class. She NEVER called, emailed, or tried to contact me any other time.
She's a bit upset I didn't thank her. I'm a lot upset, she didn't contact me, when I was available. I stayed after class several times. THAT is when she SHOULD have talked to me about it. She also has my phone #, and email.

I think the only reason they like my class better, is because I listened to them.
They had a hard time with the 'Sink or Swim' method, and they were sick of the music my instructor continously used for the last year and a half.

Thinking about it, that might be why only one showed up for the instuctors second class.
It was all the same. Same steps, same music.
I felt it was ok, for her to do the same, because she's just getting back into it!
She wants me to work with her, for new things. They don't seem to get, that takes a little time to get it all planned.

She did everything she could to make them happy, to come back to her class, other than going back to the smoke filled club.

I plan to attend her afternoon classes, but I can't attend her morning classes.

We'll see how it goes.

Thank you Bhuzzers!

Originally Posted by gothique

Thinking about it, that might be why only one showed up for the instuctors second class.
It was all the same. Same steps, same music.
I felt it was ok, for her to do the same, because she's just getting back into it!

Having been in this situation as a student, no, it's not okay. Cutting the teacher slack for unusual incidents that render an isolated class unproductive is fine. Expecting students to be happy with being pulled away from a productive class to attend an unproductive one is not. It's one thing to have empathy for the ill and infirm. It's another to have your kindness taken advantage of by being placed in an extenuating circumstance that doesn't show any sign of ending. Students are completely justified in wondering why the teacher didn't wait until she was healthy enough to do her job properly, because it wastes their time and money when she is unable to teach the way she should. They're paying for a functioning class, and unless this teacher is so extraordinary that her students are willing to settle for less than 100% health just for the opportunity to work with her, it's her fault, not theirs. If you can't dance at the level you should, and you don't have any non-dancing skills in your toolbox to teach instead, that's a problem

She wants me to work with her, for new things. They don't seem to get, that takes a little time to get it all planned.

Then maybe think about incorporating some improv exercises. Not that it doesn't take time to plan quality improv assignments, but it takes less time than generating new choreographies, because some of the actual thinking is outsourced to the students. I wouldn't do a whole class of improv, but an exercise or two of structured improv (where you give the student a theme or some required movements) can eat up class time with fresh work while building useful skills.

Originally Posted by Tourbeau

Having been in this situation as a student, no, it's not okay. Cutting the teacher slack for unusual incidents that render an isolated class unproductive is fine. Expecting students to be happy with being pulled away from a productive class to attend an unproductive one is not. It's one thing to have empathy for the ill and infirm. It's another to have your kindness taken advantage of by being placed in an extenuating circumstance that doesn't show any sign of ending. Students are completely justified in wondering why the teacher didn't wait until she was healthy enough to do her job properly, because it wastes their time and money when she is unable to teach the way she should. They're paying for a functioning class, and unless this teacher is so extraordinary that her students are willing to settle for less than 100% health just for the opportunity to work with her, it's her fault, not theirs. If you can't dance at the level you should, and you don't have any non-dancing skills in your toolbox to teach instead, that's a problem.

Thank you Tourbeau.
Thinking about it, I feel you are exactly right.
She wanted to take the class back, she should have had something 'new'.
She is talented enough, and a beautiful dancer.
She just doesn't seem to care what the students are saying.

Originally Posted by Tourbeau

Then maybe think about incorporating some improv exercises. Not that it doesn't take time to plan quality improv assignments, but it takes less time than generating new choreographies, because some of the actual thinking is outsourced to the students. I wouldn't do a whole class of improv, but an exercise or two of structured improv (where you give the student a theme or some required movements) can eat up class time with fresh work while building useful skills.

I wanted to get together with her, and at least of some sort of plan, working together, so I get the impression, she wants to do her own thing. I'm stepping out.

I like to go in knowing what I plan to go over.
Thank you so much for your suggestions!

(((Hugs)))

Originally Posted by gothique

I told them "It's just not done that way, she trusted me to hand the class back. I am keeping my promise to her. Otherwise, I'd be stealing her students."
They really gave me a hard time about this.

I really agree with you here. And I think you should avoid letting them talk you out of what you feel is right.

One of the most valuable things my mother ever taught me was to know WHEN a problem is yours and when a problem is owned by someone else.

This problem belongs to this teacher.. it's between her and her students.

You were hired to sub, you did, and then you were told your services were no longer needed by the person who hired you in the first place. That's really the end of it for you. Whatever the issues are between this teacher and her students are theirs to work out.

If you're interested in starting up a business as a teacher, that's a whole different matter. If you do so, some of this teacher's students might seek out your class. That's fine too. But it should be a separate thing that might happen... not a case of you being hired to substitute for a very sick woman and then leading some sort of mutiny.

No teacher owns her students. The students are free to choose a new teacher at any time. But a teacher does invest a lot more into building a class than just lesson planning and showing up to teach -- often years of marketing, planning, negotiations with venues, teaching and community building, and hundreds or even (if the class has gone on for years) thousands of dollars in advertising, classroom props, music, insurance plus months of teaching at a loss while building the business.

You're always making yourself vulnerable when you hire someone to sub your class or your gig. You've put a lot of work and effort into building your business, and a sub is in a position where they could, theoretically, badmouth you to your clients (students) and try to steal your business! I'm not saying you're doing that... but I am saying there's a tremendous trust in hiring a sub, and it's important not to do anything that appears to violate that trust.

Some of them did start to 'bad mouth' my instructor.
I CORRECTED them every time.

They didn't like the 'sink or swim' or do as I do method, and started to say I was better.

I told them THAT was THE way you learned for ages!!! It's still a good method!!!

(I lined them up as in drill team)

I will say this about the 'sink or swim method', there's LESS INTERUPTIONS!!!. Don't ask, just FOLLOW!.

I really messed up Wednesday. I was in pain, took a Rx, and it knocked me out longer than I thought it would....so I didn't make class....I've tried calling....many times.

I have a life...and right now....it's NOT in a good place.

Thank you all for reading and advice, I really apreciate it!!!!
(((hug)))

I wonder what their real motives are. If the regular teacher stayed at the old place and you went to the new place, would they follow you there? Or are they just more concerned about being able to live it up afterward? Are they just using you as their scapegoat when in reality they're wanting to stay where they can drink, and you're getting stuck in the middle?

(That's not to say that you may not be the better teacher, but it sounds like they were suddenly dissatisfied with her teaching style only as soon as she said she was changing the venue?)

Originally Posted by Kat144

I wonder what their real motives are. If the regular teacher stayed at the old place and you went to the new place, would they follow you there? Or are they just more concerned about being able to live it up afterward? Are they just using you as their scapegoat when in reality they're wanting to stay where they can drink, and you're getting stuck in the middle?

(That's not to say that you may not be the better teacher, but it sounds like they were suddenly dissatisfied with her teaching style only as soon as she said she was changing the venue?)

In the past, my instructor taught at the smokey private club, and at another community club, two times a week. Most of them did go to both classes.
We had to quit the community club, when new owners bought the place. They didn't want anyone using the club anymore (they claim insurance reasons).

They told me they don't want to go to this new community club, because they're afraid that the same thing will happen.
I told them, if it happens, it happens, we'll deal with it, and move on.
The same thing could happen at the private club, if/when new people are voted in to run the place. Not every one likes belly dancers, and they show their prejudice.

But getting back to your question, yes, I feel they'd go back to her, if she put her life at risk, and dance at the smoke filled private club.

As for me, I quit.

I don't feel like dancing anymore.

I lost my home, my BF lost his job, and now we've broken up our 17 year relationship (I've known him for 25 years).
So, instead of dancing...I'm looking for a place to live, and start over.
Selling everything I own.

I missed her class this week....I over slept (all the stress I'm under), now she doesn't return my calls.

Oh well.

Originally Posted by gothique

As for me, I quit.

I don't feel like dancing anymore.

I lost my home, my BF lost his job, and now we've broken up our 17 year relationship (I've known him for 25 years).
So, instead of dancing...I'm looking for a place to live, and start over.
Selling everything I own.

I missed her class this week....I over slept (all the stress I'm under), now she doesn't return my calls.

Oh well.

When life gets out of control, sometimes the right choice is to take a time out and regroup. The dance will still be there whenever you're ready to return, and on some level, I'm guessing it may be a relief to have an excuse to walk away from this drama with your teacher and her class situation. You've got other priorities to attend to. It's all her problem now.

Best of luck to you and hang in there...

Originally Posted by gothique

I really messed up Wednesday. I was in pain, took a Rx, and it knocked me out longer than I thought it would....so I didn't make class....I've tried calling....many times.

I have a life...and right now....it's NOT in a good place.

Thank you all for reading and advice, I really apreciate it!!!!
(((hug)))

I do not think you made a mistake re missing class. You were in pain and listened to your body. If she decides not to take your calls that is her issue, not yours. And having a life - that is being human. It seems you continue to feel guilty. That is very gracious of you but your Instructor/friend asked and you agreed to teach her classes, therefore you did nothing wrong. She asked you to do her a favor. Her insecurities and regrets seem to be causing your concerns. It certainly is a difficult situation but I hope you can accept the cause of the problem is hers, not yours. If you wish to teach then that is what you should do. But only if you want it. Same applies re attending her classes. It might be awkward for a bit but you have to follow your heart.

Thank you Tourbeau, and Showtime.

(((Hugs)))


I've tried calling her several times today. I give up on that.
I just hope she's ok!!!!

Originally Posted by gothique

As for me, I quit.

I don't feel like dancing anymore.

I lost my home, my BF lost his job, and now we've broken up our 17 year relationship (I've known him for 25 years).
So, instead of dancing...I'm looking for a place to live, and start over.
Selling everything I own.

I missed her class this week....I over slept (all the stress I'm under), now she doesn't return my calls.

Oh well.

So sorry to hear this! Hope things get better for you soon.

Originally Posted by gothique

As for me, I quit.

I don't feel like dancing anymore.

I lost my home, my BF lost his job, and now we've broken up our 17 year relationship (I've known him for 25 years).
So, instead of dancing...I'm looking for a place to live, and start over.
Selling everything I own.

I missed her class this week....I over slept (all the stress I'm under), now she doesn't return my calls.

Oh well.

I neglected to address the bold-face section of your post. Maybe all the turmoil will enable you to make a fresh start. Of course you could post items on Bhuz including non-dance clothing. I cannot imagine how difficult all this must be for you but your friends on Bhuz are always happy to listen.

Thank you all.

My head is still spinning, from it all.

I hope I have the strength to move on, and be a better person, from all of this.

I trully loved him. I miss him, and our fur babies, and my spider.

I've moved in with my twin, for now.

I'd like to mend things and help him out the best I can....but he HAS to tell me what's going on, and LISTEN to me. l'm not the brightest bulb....but I wouldn't have let things 'go' and not deal with them, the way he's done.
I admit...I'm heart broken. I made mistakes as well. Said some things....I wish I hadn't....but they were true (hurts worse).

I will go through some of my things and start listing them here.
Hopefully I will learn to post pics (I've done it here before....but last time I tried it said something about space being full?).

Thank you Bhuzzers.

(((Hugs)))

Gothique,
I hope things get better with you soon. Hopefully all this turmoil is just making way for new and better things for you. Huggs!

Originally Posted by Scarlet Faeriewind

Gothique,
I hope things get better with you soon. Hopefully all this turmoil is just making way for new and better things for you. Huggs!

Thank you Scarlet Faeriewind. And welcome to bhuzz!

(((Hugs)))