Thread: Would like bio critique

I was reading the website thread and started wondering if I wasn't one of those dancers who uses over the top language and accidentally hurting my image for visitors to my website. I've tweaked it a bit, but would really love it if you all could take a minute and read it to see how I could improve it more? I'd really appreciate it as I'm HORRIBLE at writing anything about myself.

Thanks! :)

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"I think that to see Miriam dance is a truly wonderful experience for any style, or level, of dancer. This woman reminds me of why I love to watch dancers that seem to have a timeless connection to the dance. She really expresses the music through her dance, and becomes the instrument. Beautiful dancer. Simply beautiful!"

- Joyce, Director of Tribal Wallah in Tallahassee, FL

(quote is at the top of the page and is a copy of a testimonial left on my tribe profile)

Born of Palestinian and Spaniard descent, Miriam began her study of Middle Eastern dance while pursuing her undergraduate studies in Miami, FL.

Since then, Miriam has devoted herself to the study of Raqs Sharqi focusing mainly on the Egyptian style.

She is passionate about sharing the art and teaches weekly classes in Warner Robins and Macon. She also performs in a variety of venues in the area both as a solo artist and with her troupe, GRITS Raq.

She has been blessed with the opportunity to work and study with many talented and renowned dancers and choreographers and looks forward to sharing and learning with many more in the future!

Originally Posted by miriamgamal

I was reading the website thread and started wondering if I wasn't one of those dancers who uses over the top language and accidentally hurting my image for visitors to my website. I've tweaked it a bit, but would really love it if you all could take a minute and read it to see how I could improve it more? I'd really appreciate it as I'm HORRIBLE at writing anything about myself.

Thanks! :)

--

"I think that to see Miriam dance is a truly wonderful experience for any style, or level, of dancer. This woman reminds me of why I love to watch dancers that seem to have a timeless connection to the dance. She really expresses the music through her dance, and becomes the instrument. Beautiful dancer. Simply beautiful!"

- Joyce, Director of Tribal Wallah in Tallahassee, FL

(quote is at the top of the page and is a copy of a testimonial left on my tribe profile)

Born of Palestinian and Spaniard descent, Miriam began her study of Middle Eastern dance while pursuing her undergraduate studies in Miami, FL.

Since then, Miriam has devoted herself to the study of Raqs Sharqi focusing mainly on the Egyptian style.

She is passionate about sharing the art and teaches weekly classes in Warner Robins and Macon. She also performs in a variety of venues in the area both as a solo artist and with her troupe, GRITS Raq.

She has been blessed with the opportunity to work and study with many talented and renowned dancers and choreographers and looks forward to sharing and learning with many more in the future!

Miriam I think this sounds really great. My two suggestions would be, put the quote at the bottom (let people read about you and then read your rave review from others), and include examples of thes "talented and renowned dancers" so we know where you're getting your credentials.

I think sometimes the gushy and flowy wording will also create a feeling and atmosphere for your audience. Although it shouldn't be over the top, remember that if you're marketing to the GP, you want to appeal to their interests.

Hope this helps!

I like the bio: it's short, precise, and not syrupy. Also I like it that you say what you gotta say and don't go on and on about it.

I also agree that the quote shouldn't be the first thing they say.
I often find it a little too much when dancers have testinmonials on their sites from other dancers who use this crazy-artsy-flowery language. There's nothing wrong with using other dancer's testimonials (peer-acceptance and networking is great) but they often use too complex phrases and tend to go on and on.
I like it if the testimonials are coming from every day people and sound like something everyday people would say. I think that's more real and appealing to the GP.

But, like I said I like your bio!!

Hi Miriam! Congratulations on having the courage to put yourself in the hot seat!

I think your bio is fine. It doesn't seem excessively self-congratulatory at all. I agree with Maliam that it might be better to put the testimonial at the bottom, perhaps in italics to set it aside from the bio above it. (And it might be nice if Joyce would let you put a picture of her face next to her quote, to humanize the quote further.)

Anyway, it looks pretty good to me!

I agree with the others' comments. It's short and well-written with enough info to make you seem appropriately bellydancer-ish without sounding like you dance 24/7 in the desert at the foot of the pyramids and came out of the eye of a cobra in sequins on the day of your birth!

The quote placement, to me, really depends upon your web design. I think it's a bit too long and I might shorten the quote to:

"[Miriam] reminds me of why I love to watch dancers that seem to have a timeless connection to the dance. She really expresses the music through her dance, and becomes the instrument. Beautiful dancer. Simply beautiful!"

- Joyce, Director of Tribal Wallah in Tallahassee, FL

I think your bio is great but I personally would also shorten the quote:

"To see Miriam dance is a truly wonderful experience. She really expresses the music through her dance, and becomes the instrument. Beautiful dancer. Simply beautiful!"

B

just a couple tweaks. you had study, stuies and study in the first three lines so I changed that up, and just took out a word here and there. and "spaniard descent" sounded wierd to my ears? a person is a spaniard, but a thing (descent) is spanish? if you could have 'GRITS raq' be a hyperlink to an info page about the troupe, that would be cool.

Born of Palestinian and Spanish descent, Miriam first discovered (or, "was introduced to") Middle Eastern dance while pursuing her undergraduate studies in Miami, FL. Since then, Miriam has devoted herself to the study of Raqs Sharqi, focusing mainly on the Egyptian style.

Passionate about sharing this artform, she teaches weekly classes in Warner Robins and Macon. She performs in a variety of venues in the area both as a solo artist and with her troupe, GRITS Raq.

Miriam feels blessed to have had the opportunity to work and study with many talented and renowned dancers and choreographers and looks forward to sharing and learning with many more in the future!

Thanks so much everyone! I really appreciate the suggestions and I like the changes that have been recommended. I'm going to make them today when I make some site updates. :)