Thread: spin off: being safe

I posted this on the "no all male gigs"
let's make a list. what do you do to stay safe/feel safe/not have others worry...

"I think we actually all agree: dont get in harms way, as zumarrad put it.
it's just that we try to achieve that in different ways:
for some that means no all male gigs, for others no living room gigs (hate them personnally) or no gigs after 1 am, or no gigs in certain areas of town, or having one of the waiters walk you to your car, etc etc...... or deciding to do some of those gigs anyway, but bringing a friend/chaperonne/bodyguard just in case.

maybe we should add to the list? what other safety measurements do you take? i call my boyfriend when it's finished, and on my way home, cause i know he will not go to bed before that. he calls when it gets really late, cause he's worried. it's not really necessary, but you know, it feels safe knowing someone will push the alarm button should you not come home.

personally i like bringing a friend/student, if not for safety than just because i dont like going alone/have tons of students who love to come along/ and cause i dont drive/need a chauffeur. the safety aspect is a nice bonus.

all good policies i think, whatever works for you...

Artemisia"

Actually, I don't really think about safety.

I have been in unconfortable situations (like the restaurant gig where Turkish men asked me what I would cost for a night...) but never really felt like I was in danger.
When I used to go to my gigs on my motorbike, I guess the ride there was the most dangerous thing ..g.: It also helped because I could park the bike right in front of the place where I was dancing, so no long walks in the dark.
Plus, wearing all that heavy leather certainly helped...

MEISSOUN

i also never have felt in danger. i have however been in uncomfortable situations. ok, so let's broaden this, how to avoid those too

- i prefer my gigs to be at the start of a party, not near the end (i'd rather not have people be tooo drunk...)
it's not a hard and fast rule, but if a customer is doubting WHEN to put the dancer in his or her event, i'll suggest earlier rather than later.

- i make sure people know i'm not coming on my own. that i'll be accompanied

- i ask to have a parking space reserved (when possible)

- i make sure someone knows where i am/when i'll be back

- i have taught myself (and teach my students), that it is OK to walk out of an uncomfortable situation. no need to feel obliged to dance somewhere where you dont feel safe. the one time i didnt do this i still regret. i should have walked out sooner than i did.

- when i have a big gig, with the group, my contract now says that it's the organisers responsibility to make sure the audience behaves, and that should one or more audience members not behave i have every right to stop the perofrmance then and there and walk out AND get paid. i dont think (i hope) i'll ever need this clause. but having it in there reminds the organisers that we are to be treated with resepct.

never go alone to a gig [restaurants excepted]

get paid first so you can leave quickly if things get dangerous.

keep pepper spray in your dance bag for walking to and from your car.

if you have any gut feelings of danger or concern, leave immediately. its not worth risking your safety.

do not accept offers from strangers/customers/party guests to walk you to your car. it could be a set up for something bad.

lock your dance bag! [yeah, i learned this one the hard way]

is pepper spray legal to have in the US? it's illegal here, and most of europe far as i know

I just always bring someone with me. I think that's enough. If someone had any thoughts of doing anything bad to the bellydancers, I think the presence of someone else would squash that idea.

I know a lot of dancers always bring someone to their gigs, but I've never been able to do that. I have occasionally asked a boyfriend to come along, but not on a regular basis - to me, this is my work, and I shouldn't expect someone to come along with me without getting paid. After all, my (ex) boyfriend never dragged me along to his landscaping jobs to watch! And I dont' think it's all fun for them - especially if they've been dragged to too many bellydance events beforehand.

OK. I almost always gig alone, which is a no-no, but honestly it's a fact of life when you're single and can't always round up a chaperone. However, I've never felt unsafe at a gig. Mildly skeeved at the very worst, and even that's only happened once or twice and been 100% manageable by avoiding the offender/s. I mean, bringing somebody along is a plus....but if you can't, it's not the end of the world. Just be smart.

You know that saying about an ounce of prevention. That's what I try to abide by when I gig.

First, I screen the living hell out of a client during our very first conversation, before the gig has been booked. Ask a million questions and make sure up front that everybody's looking for a family-friendly, classy show. Don't be afraid to turn down a gig on unfounded suspicion.

It also helps to check out the venue before you perform, if possible. Helps to know what parking is like, where exits are, and what sort of clientele frequents the place.

Keep your eyes and ears open at all times before, during, and after the gig. Be aware of your surroundings.

Don't keep much cash or your credit card on you.

Don't linger too long before or after a gig. Be cordial but "unavailable." Exude tons of confidence. (Study after study shows that the sickos seek out "easy targets" and don't tend to bother people who look calm and as if they know where they're going).

Common Sense or "Duh #1": If somebody seems creepy, don't talk to them. Even if they only seem creepy in a harmless sort of way.

Common Sense or "Duh #2:" Drinking post-gig isn't advisable anyway, but if you insist on having just one glass of wine with a great crowd, either pour it yourself or let the waiter/bartender to the honors. Do NOT accept a drink from anybody in the audience.

Get a bouncer or venue employee to walk you to your car if you don't have your own escort.

I agree with everything satinworkship has said. If i take a gig and start to have second thoughts, I bring my mom. Yes my mom. A tiny greek woman can be very intimidating. It also helps in those situations where they seem to have a distaste for an "american" bellydancer. mom's accent shuts them up right quick!

And she can give one mean greek evil eye!

(disclaimer: my mom is really sweet. just don't mess with her children!)

1 - I leave a copy of the contract / contact info at home or with my dance partner.

2 - If I do not call her when I am finished with a gig, i get a phone call from her. She also has all the info regarding my car and license to give to the authorities if necessary.

3 - every once in a while I'll take a student dancer with me who wants to see what a gig is like from the back side.

4 - If it's an all male situation or one which sets my spidey sense tingling, I will sometimes take my 6'2", 265# martial arts trained 18 year old son with me. But that has only happened once. And he played Game boy the entire time.

5 - make sure you know exactly where you are going. good directions are essential. Breaking down in an unknown locale in sparklies is NOT A GOOD IDEA!

6 - Make sure you have AAA. And that your cell phone is fully charged.

Hmmm....... I think that is about it for right now.



{{{{HUGS}}}

LOL - I love the entourage of family members - very Suheir Zaki-esque - don't mess with the star! :)

I've got an article about this very subject on my web site. It's at Your Personal Safety: Protecting Yourself When Doing Belly Dance Gigs

It includes a poll about personal safety - I invite all of you to enter your own responses to the poll.

Interestingly, 14% of respondents said they never think about personal safety when they go to classes or performances. 3% have had a stalker in their dance life that made them feel seriously threatened.

1% said they had been the victim of a violent crime at the scene of a class/performance or just outside. Now, thankfully, that's a very small percentage. However, somebody was that 1%, and I like to take precautions to make sure it won't be me!

My input from the "male gigs" thread:

I let my husband know in advance roughly how long the gig will take, so he'll know when to expect the "I'm leaving call". If I'm doing a BellyGram, for instance, I should be in and out of there within 30 minutes tops, so not hearing from me for over an hour would send up a red flag.

I also leave a copy of the contract with my husband, which has all the client info on it. It's a slightly paranoid way to think, but if something were to happen to me, I don't want him in the position of telling the cops that he has no idea where I was going or who hired me. I've probably been watching way to many Law & Order episodes, but what the heck, it makes me feel better.

My other safeguards are:

- No bookings at private residences after 9pm
- No bachelor parties or all male audiences
- I need to have the full name and residential address of the client, even if the party is at a different location
- A contract that states I will leave the premises immediately and with full pay if uncomfortable with audience behavior

At my gig from hell a few weeks ago, I wouldn't say I feared for my safety, but I did feel as though getting out of there ASAP was in my best interest. It wasn't just the inappropriate behavior of Sexy Lady Guy, but also the vibe of disrespect and second class citizenship I was getting from the client. I did not feel at all that my comfort level or safety was any priority for the client, and that really made me want out of there.

There's been a few threads about this on tribe that include some great info.
One of them specifically addresses screening clients to avoid the bad parties.
When You Need To Go Alone? - The Biz of Belly Dance - tribe.net
http://bellydancebiz.tribe.net/threa...2-972c5fbe3804
screening clients - The Biz of Belly Dance - tribe.net

Here are things from my posts.
There are a lot of common sense things that can help you, if you are not in the ideal "bring someone along" situation.
1) if you are going to a party and you get to the location and don't see a lot of cars, lights on and people in the window. Don't go in. Don't even think about it. You can call and say "I must have the wrong address", just to be certain. But really. That's an obvious one.
2) if the phone call to book the gig seems fishy or even hesitant, don't book it.
3) if the gig seems fine but the neighborhood questionable- bring someone no matter what.
4) Get there *before* people will be drunk and TELL the party planner that is part of how you arrange your gigs, so they KNOW that drunken audience behavior is not acceptable. I have no idea where these "drunken idiots and wacos" are- I've seen a couple in clubs around here, but not at the parties. This may go back to screening your clients carefully. For example I'd be extra careful screening a young man's 21st birthday, or something likely to have more young people, fewer couples.
5) Make sure it's a family party, or family friendly. Not all male.
.....
chopping in half because it's too long.

...6) If a man calls for a "private party" politely tell him he's looking for a different kind of dancer
7) Ask the client what they are expecting from a belly dancer. This will also help you avoid uncomfortable situations. Don't book if anything sounds even slightly "off". Prepare them for what to expect.
8) If you sense any weirdness, don't stay (get money first if you have to)
9) Exchange emails or something IN WRITING. People with nefarious intentions will hesitate with a written path.
10) Tell them you possibly will have someone with you (even if you know you can't). Again, people with bad intentions will hesitate.
11) If you get there and you hear a "stripper" comment- gauge the situation carefully. You can leave if you sense danger. If you sense just ignorance (much more common)- give a smiling mini lecture on the history of belly dance and teach them how to be a good belly dance audience (teach them how to zaghareet, the rowdy parties will love that).
13) Ask someone to walk you back to your car
14) Always leave your destination addresses with someone. Call when you get there, let them know how long you expect to be. Call when you return to your car.
15) Make your website or promotional materials OBVIOUSLY family friendly belly dance. Mention cultural festivals, corporate events, weddings, educational programs, girls night parties etc. If you advertise with heavy sexuality or if you are listed in the Yellow Pages under "adult entertainment" you will get more questionable phone calls and requests.
16) Dance in a way appropriate for the audience. If you sense they might misunderstand belly dance- use HUMOUR to make it clear that it's NOT OK to get out of hand. If they're not drunken idiots they will likely get it. You've already carefully screened out most opportunity for drunken idiots.
17) Carry a big sword. ;)
18) Listen to your intuition. Don't second guess it at all, it's not worth it.

Also- read Gavin de Becker's The Gift of Fear. It's excellent.

Originally Posted by SamiraShuruk

1) if you are going to a party and you get to the location and don't see a lot of cars, lights on and people in the window. Don't go in. Don't even think about it. You can call and say "I must have the wrong address", just to be certain. But really. That's an obvious one.

Oh yeah, this is a great one! I've never had that happen before, but if it was supposed to be a party and I didn't see those things, I would definitely think something was up!

Originally Posted by SamiraShuruk

1) if you are going to a party and you get to the location and don't see a lot of cars, lights on and people in the window. Don't go in. Don't even think about it. You can call and say "I must have the wrong address", just to be certain. But really. That's an obvious one.

Samira, I do agree that this is excellent advice.

However, it makes me smile because I once went to a gig that was EXACTLY like this, after dark, in an unfamiliar part of town. A woman booked it, and it was a surprise 30th birthday party for a male friend. I wondered whether I had the right address. But I went to the door anyway. As I prepared to ring the doorbell, I wondered at the complete lack of "party noises" - animated voices, music, laughter, etc. The woman who had booked me came to the door and seemed very happy to see me and invited me in, took my CD to pop into her sound system, etc.

As I entered the living room where the "party" was, it seemed rather somber. There were about eight people there. They were dressed nicely, but sitting primly on the sofa, eating, drinking, and talking quietly. Honestly, it looked like one of the most boring parties I've ever seen!

So I went ahead and did my performance, got everybody clapping along with the music, made the guest of honor get up and dance with me, and did a bit of sword balancing to make them ooh and aah. The hostess was thrilled, and as she escorted me to the door she thanked me for making her party so much fun.

As she closed the door behind me, I heard laughter and animated voices coming from the house. I smiled, because on that particular evening I'd had the power to transform a boring gathering into a joyful party.

I guess in conclusion, I think it's good to follow our instincts. On the surface, the lack of party-related evidence did concern me as I approached the house, but my instincts told me to go ahead, and I'm glad I trusted my instincts. But I completely see your point that sometimes the lack of a party "vibe" can indeed be a sign of something more sinister. It's always good to be alert to evidence of possible risks and factor those into our decision-making.

Originally Posted by artemisia_danst

- i prefer my gigs to be at the start of a party, not near the end (i'd rather not have people be tooo drunk...)
it's not a hard and fast rule, but if a customer is doubting WHEN to put the dancer in his or her event, i'll suggest earlier rather than later.

There's also a good practical reason for this. At the beginning of a party, the BDer can really get people in the mood to have a good time and break the ice. If a host wants a dancer to perform later in the evening, it can disrupt the flow of the party. Once people are settled into party mode, it can be hard to get them to quiet their conversation, clear the dance area, etc.

Just something to mention if a client insists on a later performance and you don't want to raise the safety issue.

I just read through those tribe threads and I saw mentioned a few times that it is impractical for a dancer who gigs a lot, particularly those who live in NYC or DC to have someone accompany her to gigs.

I have to disagree on that one. I live in NYC and gig every weekend, unless I'm out of town, and usually multiple bookings in a weekend. I have never gone to a gig alone.

Usually my mom comes (moms never tire of seeing their kids perform!), but if she can't go I bring my husband, a friend or a student. I have never been in a situation where I couldn't get anyone to go with me, even last minute, because I find that students are always willing to jump at the chance of accompanying their teacher on a "real" gig and playing bodyguard - they get to watch a bellydance show, and get some experience of what it's like from the performer's perspective.

Maybe I have just been lucky, but I think that everyone should at least *try* to bring someone to every gig. It's really the best way to guarantee your saftey, because there is always safety in numbers.

i usually pay the person that comes along. they drive, and get paid for that, plus some.

Originally Posted by jewelbellydance

I know a lot of dancers always bring someone to their gigs, but I've never been able to do that. I have occasionally asked a boyfriend to come along, but not on a regular basis - to me, this is my work, and I shouldn't expect someone to come along with me without getting paid. After all, my (ex) boyfriend never dragged me along to his landscaping jobs to watch! And I dont' think it's all fun for them - especially if they've been dragged to too many bellydance events beforehand.

Originally Posted by artemisia_danst

i usually pay the person that comes along. they drive, and get paid for that, plus some.

I pay them too - if it's one of my students and they are helping me in any way (driving, helping me "teach" a lesson, setting up my music and props, etc). If they are just tagging a long to see a show and I already have my "chaperone" they don't get any $$.

And if it's my mom or my hubby, they don't get paid either!! (well, I pay my mom for gas and tolls, hubby gets nothing!)

Originally Posted by artemisia_danst

is pepper spray legal to have in the US? it's illegal here, and most of europe far as i know

Lol... its legal to have high powered riffles in your attic here.... so yeah, pepper spray is allowed.

Originally Posted by danielabellydance

I just read through those tribe threads and I saw mentioned a few times that it is impractical for a dancer who gigs a lot, particularly those who live in NYC or DC to have someone accompany her to gigs.

I have to disagree on that one. I live in NYC and gig every weekend, unless I'm out of town, and usually multiple bookings in a weekend. I have never gone to a gig alone.
...
Maybe I have just been lucky, but I think that everyone should at least *try* to bring someone to every gig. It's really the best way to guarantee your saftey, because there is always safety in numbers.

That was me who said that- and maybe others as well.
Yes, you ARE lucky. :)
My parents live half time in CT and half time in Australia. Too long a commute to DC/VA (although they do come see me in NY). I sometimes dance up to 6 shows in one night. I dance full time so it pays my bills and the cost of paying someone to come along would be simply cost prohibitive, even with the decent rates in our area. I don't have students (well, a couple private students, but not a lot) and it's simply not practical for my husband to accompany me on my full time job when he has one of his own. There are often nights I get home at 3:30am. I simply can't ask anyone to do that with me, not who keeps regular hours.
Artemis Mourat teaches about screening clients REALLY well. Maybe it's a different mindset but she's been doing this over 30 years, no problems. I DO see the value of bringing someone along, but honestly I simply say "no" to anything that I think might be a problem. I've brought my husband to a few and friends to a few, but it's not often.
We face potential danger everywhere we go- even to the grocery store, gosh, even at home. I don't let that keep me from working, I just let it guide me to be very careful.
Yes, there is safety in numbers, and the couple times I felt I needed it i brought someone along. Most of the time though I simply screen clients really well, take ALL the other precautions and listen to my instincts. There are ALWAYS clues that lead up to a bad situation- it's honestly, generally speaking easy to avoid.

Shira- What a great experience! :)

Originally Posted by SamiraShuruk

There are ALWAYS clues that lead up to a bad situation- it's honestly, generally speaking easy to avoid.

I agree with most of what you said except for this statement. I mean, really - if dangerous situations were so easy to avoid, why would anyone ever get raped, mugged, murdered, kidnapped, etc.....?

You can't always predict and avoid a dangerous situation, that's what makes them dangerous.

Originally Posted by SamiraShuruk

I don't have students (well, a couple private students, but not a lot)

It is easier when you have a lot of students. I have truckloads of them, (I have at least 30 serious, committed students and loads more "floaters"), so it's easy for me to find someone who's willing to come on any given night. I can see how this would become much more difficult if you don't teach group classes and only have two or three students.

Originally Posted by danielabellydance

I agree with most of what you said except for this statement. I mean, really - if dangerous situations were so easy to avoid, why would anyone ever get raped, mugged, murdered, kidnapped, etc.....?

You can't always predict and avoid a dangerous situation, that's what makes them dangerous.

Ahh, you're right. I worded it entirely wrong. Sorry. I didn't say "always", I said "easy", but even that's inaccurate. There are tools and knowledge you can use to help you avoid the bad situations...
Most people who have been victims can look back and see the clues. They can look back and see where their instincts were telling them one thing and the criminal tried to convince them otherwise or even they themselves convinced themselves to ignore their instincts. After all we don't WANT something bad to be true, so we push those feelings aside.
There is an incredible book, called The Gift of Fear by Gavin de Becker that explains it much better than I ever could
[ame=http://www.amazon.com/Gift-Fear-Gavin-Becker/dp/0440508835/ref=pd_bbs_sr_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1209618510&sr= 8-1]Amazon.com: The Gift of Fear: Gavin De Becker: Books[/ame]

In short- people committing violent crimes follow patterns of behavior. There are predator behaviors that one can learn to identify and combined with learning to trust ones instincts - AND other common sense precautions of course, can serve to help one avoid the "bad guys".
I SO highly recommend this book to any woman.

Originally Posted by artemisia_danst

is pepper spray legal to have in the US? it's illegal here, and most of europe far as i know

yeah, believe it or not we are still allowed to purchase it here

shhh, must be a govt oversight ;)

if you cant have pepper spray, perhaps it would be good to keep a metal coach's whistle on your key chain to help you if you need to call for help quickly or startle someone

also: i pay people to go with me as an "assistant" if i don't have a volunteer chaperon. totally worth it for added peace of mind.

oh, i could get my hands on it no worries, and i know my sister carries the stuff around. i wouldnt want to.

i live in like one of the safest towns in this country, and it's already a safe country. i can walk pretty much anywhere here, on my own in the dead of night. well, usually even in the early hours there is people up and about (this town has 50.000 inhabitants... plus 30.000 students)

my reasons for bringing someone along are only partially security (that's the bonus), it's mostly cause i dont drive, cause i get bored, cause my students want to come along, cause i have a bunch of semi-pros in training who NEED to see gigging "in reality".
if a gig is in town i walk/cycle there, if it's a bit further i take a cab/public transport. if it's at someones house "in the countryside", hard to reach i take a student (i've got like 100 of them at the moment, at peak times more like 200...).

and my last few gigs, and everything that's coming up this month is multiple dancers (i'm really getting into the posh parties and corporate stuff), so we're not alone anyway.

Originally Posted by sabrinabellydancer

yeah, believe it or not we are still allowed to purchase it here

shhh, must be a govt oversight ;)

if you cant have pepper spray, perhaps it would be good to keep a metal coach's whistle on your key chain to help you if you need to call for help quickly or startle someone

also: i pay people to go with me as an "assistant" if i don't have a volunteer chaperon. totally worth it for added peace of mind.

Lots of good advice in here! A lot of you have mentioned screening clients extensively. I'm curious what kind of questions you ask. I've seen full name and address, bellydance expectations, and type of event questions. What else would you find out?

Thanks!