Thread: Family Friendly Stripper? How do you respond?

Just last night I was in the bathroom at my gig and a patron of the restaurant (not with the party I was performing for) was in the bathroom with me. She was very nice, we started talking and I gave her my card. And then she said: "My boyfriend's birthday is coming up and I'd love to hire you. I would get him a stripper but there will be women there so I thought a bellydancer would be just as good. At least it's something that the women will like too, right?"



I've had this happen before - requests for performances when what they really want is a stripper but circumstances (kids and/or women at the party, restaurant won't allow strippers, etc) prevent it. So they figure the bellydancer is the "family friendly" version of a stripper.

Do you get these requests? How do you respond? I usually just say somthing like "My performances are family friendly" but I feel like I should be saying more. What do you do?

Smile, quote your rate. Tack on an extra "irritation fee".

Gah! Tricky. It's such a sensitive topic for everyone involved.

Maybe you could ask her what she is specifically looking for in the entertainment, and lead her to the fact that belly dancing has nothing to do with stripping. I think you could say it nicely, like, "I don't do anything remotely close to stripping, so if you are looking for something similar to it, I won't be able to help you".

If for any reason she protests to some neutral statement like that, or gives you opinions on how what you do IS close to stripping, that would probably be a good indicator of how you would be treated at the party.

There is, of course, the route that avoids any potential can of worms, "Gee, I'm busy that night!"

I don't think I've ever been asked if I *strip*, or if I'm the next best thing after a stripper, but I've been at places where stripping was anticipated/encouraged. You have a chance to clear this up from the beginning...lucky!

Comments like that sting, however, I would resist the urge to get too snarky or defensive if the commentor is benevolent yet shows a genuine ignorance on the culture and context of bellydancing. She sounds like she legitimately doesn't know better, which actually makes me sad.

I'd personally laugh it off, gently say "oh, no, that's not what I do," and make a cute, lighthearted observation that women and kids are my biggest fans. If she's cool, I'd definitely give her a Reader's Digest lite summary of how BD originates from Middle Eastern regional social dancing.

Please don't diss strippers or get uppity. That's just as unflattering as nippletassels and a G-string. .p::

As far as I understand, she had already seen you dance?
Well, I guess she liked you ..g.:
And she's very right that women will like your show better than a stripper.

So... since she apparently understood that you DON'T take your clothes off, and this is why she wants to hire you? Well no problem, take the gig.

I haven't heard a stripper comment in years, luckily.

MEISSOUN

Thing is, this is EXACTLY what most Americans are thinking when they hire a bellydancer, whether they say it out loud or not -- unless they're hiring 'moving wallpaper' for a themed party.

The idea is that you're supposed to bring some naughty, nudge-nudge, wink-wink edgey entertainment to the party and embarrass the GOH & dance for him like his own private harem girl. But without actually taking your clothes off or doing anything to embarrass the guests.

We're kidding ourselves if we think that 90% of the time we aren't being hired as a family-friendly alternative to a stripper.

Hopefully, by the time we *leave* the party there's some recognition of skill or musicality...

Originally Posted by SatinWorship19

Comments like that sting, however, I would resist the urge to get too snarky or defensive if the commentor is benevolent yet shows a genuine ignorance on the culture and context of bellydancing. She sounds like she legitimately doesn't know better, which actually makes me sad.

I'd personally laugh it off, gently say "oh, no, that's not what I do," and make a cute, lighthearted observation that women and kids are my biggest fans. If she's cool, I'd definitely give her a Reader's Digest lite summary of how bellydance originates from Middle Eastern regional social dancing.

Please don't diss strippers or get uppity. That's just as unflattering as nippletassels and a G-string. .p::

I think that it sticks to the facts. Provided it is presented without emotion or without a condescending tone, I don't think it would come across as snarky or defensive.

I agree that the woman made that remark without bad intentions, or might just have been thinking out loud, but I don't think there's anything wrong with just stating facts about your profession. Of course, how to approach it depends on the situation

Couldn't agree more, Kamillia. I'd personally give a brief summary of my job description and stress the family-friendly aspect as well.

My point is just that BDers can sometimes get rather, umm, heated in their defense of the art form. Nothing wrong with that in a good-natured debate, or if somebody says something outwardly degrading to you....but I personally think it's crucial to remain laid-back, polite and/or informative if somebody legitimately doesn't know the difference. That's all!

we can get heated in our defense and many times our potential clients can suffer from hoof in mouth disease.

Sometimes you wonder why people tell you these things. Instead of saying, we'd like to hire an entertainer, they give you the whole story about what has motivated them to talk to you. Much of which is not only irrelavent but also can be taken as slightly insulting! Should it be taken that way? Probably not. It should most likely be seen as the potential clients social ackwardness and inability to graciously articulate what it is they are asking for.

Take the gig, smile when they hand you the signed contract and check. And I like the idea of an irratation fee.

{{{HUGS}}}

Originally Posted by Lauren_

Thing is, this is EXACTLY what most Americans are thinking when they hire a bellydancer, whether they say it out loud or not -- unless they're hiring 'moving wallpaper' for a themed party.

The idea is that you're supposed to bring some naughty, nudge-nudge, wink-wink edgey entertainment to the party and embarrass the GOH & dance for him like his own private harem girl. But without actually taking your clothes off or doing anything to embarrass the guests.

We're kidding ourselves if we think that 90% of the time we aren't being hired as a family-friendly alternative to a stripper.

Hopefully, by the time we *leave* the party there's some recognition of skill or musicality...

Somewhat depressingly, I am ITA with Lauren. ,f:: I've gotten the comment a couple of times, and the only thing I do is let them know that there are certain things they should not expect during the performance:

- I will not touch the GOH or any of the other guests in any way, other than to assist them with a hip scarf.

- No one is allowed to touch me, period. If they want to tip me, they can either hand it to me or throw it in the air.

- I perform for the entire crowd, not just the GOH. I will dance near him often, of course, but it's not his own little private show with everyone else just gawking at us.

I say it not in a defensive manner, but more in a "just so there's no mixed signals" light kind of tone. Often it's obvious that they know you're not going to take your top off, but they may think you're going to be a little racier than you actually are. I'm a big fan of managing expectations.

In an amusing related anecdote, I was hired last Saturday by a woman for her own 40th birthday party. Her friends were getting her a male stripper, but she was really just going along with it to not hurt their feelings. She had seen belly dancers a couple of times before and really enjoyed watching them, and wanted Belly Dancing more than anything else for her birthday. I arrived about an hour after the stripper left to do my set (a full 25 minutes with props), which was very warmly received by the guests. As I was leaving, I got a couple of comments from the female guests that my performance was way more enjoyable than the male stripper's.

Originally Posted by SatinWorship19

Couldn't agree more, Kamillia. I'd personally give a brief summary of my job description and stress the family-friendly aspect as well.

My point is just that BDers can sometimes get rather, umm, heated in their defense of the art form. Nothing wrong with that in a good-natured debate, or if somebody says something outwardly degrading to you....but I personally think it's crucial to remain laid-back, polite and/or informative if somebody legitimately doesn't know the difference. That's all!

Totally, SatinWorship!

if she saw you dance, she knows what to expect!
i usually say something like,"good for you!thank you for taking the high road, and hireing a class act".

Furthermore...(groan from the readers)

While I agree with the fact that we are, more often than not, hired as the next best thing, I still think we should nicely clear up misconceptions that are presented to us on a platter.

Though the grand majority of people from the Middle East are raised to believe that we are whores, and I shouldn't kid myself that I am not considered one, I don't let anyone talk to me like I have sex with people for money (excluding opinions that marriage is legalized prostitution...); treat me likewise; and address such misunderstandings that are presented during the hiring process. I think it's a good idea to address common Western perceptions like "family-friendly stripper" when appropriate, too.

I don't think anyone here is justifying this perception. If we do our jobs, people will most likely recognize fundamental differences between dance forms. However, if there are "mixed signals" present in the beginning, I think they should be addressed directly, indirectly...whatever seems appropriate.

Originally Posted by meissoun

As far as I understand, she had already seen you dance?
Well, I guess she liked you ..g.:
And she's very right that women will like your show better than a stripper.

So... since she apparently understood that you DON'T take your clothes off, and this is why she wants to hire you? Well no problem, take the gig.

I haven't heard a stripper comment in years, luckily.

MEISSOUN

No, she hadn't seen me dance. She wasn't with the party, she was just a restaurant patron using the same restroom. She was in a different room in the restaurant.

Originally Posted by Lauren_

Thing is, this is EXACTLY what most Americans are thinking when they hire a bellydancer, whether they say it out loud or not -- unless they're hiring 'moving wallpaper' for a themed party.

The idea is that you're supposed to bring some naughty, nudge-nudge, wink-wink edgey entertainment to the party and embarrass the GOH & dance for him like his own private harem girl. But without actually taking your clothes off or doing anything to embarrass the guests.

We're kidding ourselves if we think that 90% of the time we aren't being hired as a family-friendly alternative to a stripper.

Hopefully, by the time we *leave* the party there's some recognition of skill or musicality...

Lauren said it better than I ever could, and I agree 110%.

Yeah, I definitely didn't get all defensive with this woman (or any other client who has said this to me in the past). I just said "Yes, my shows are very family-friendly" and left it at that. I really do think that this statement comes from ignorance, and it is not an attempt to be mean at all.

And I understand that most people who hire us do so because we are the "next best thing" to a stripper. But do they have to TELL me that???

Yes...often the genesis of the notion to hire one of us is "family friendly alternative to a stripper"...but often their STILL thinking, "Oh thank GOD we thought of something better than a stripper!!!"

What we do...it is sensual. And face it--we look pretty good, all dolled up there in our hair and makeup and our pretty outfits doin' our nice little dance moves there. So...it sort of fulfills that whole idea of giving the guy some extra bit of attention/something nice to look at/making him the center of attention of some pretty (often younger or hotter than him) lady...which is embarrassing for the shy guys and fun for the outgoing ones, and that's usually what the planner is trying to do. And that for all but a certain segment of the population, that doesn't necessarily need to involve clothing removal, lewd commentary, or mock-sexual gestures--the dancing with him, paying attention to him, maybe making him get up and dance--that does the trick.

And...the ladies DO love us too--far more than strippers usually, because we're more accessible to them and we know how to accessorize.

Honestly, I've had these kinds of comments plenty of times, and I've felt the odd feeling but...I really try to avoid getting defensive about it. Sometimes the client is REALLY REALLY happy she/he thought of something better/less cliche than a stripper and is trying to convey that. Sometimes...yep, you're the stripper substitute. But typically, they're going to be happy. So...instead of focusing on what I'm not going to do, I usually try to focus on what the experience WILL be like--I try to describe to them what I'll do--how the experience is for the men AND women in the group (and perhaps laughingly say some throwaway line about "so, pretty different from a stripper, but you'll have a lot of fun," or something.)

If I have any concerns that there might be misunderstanding, I just sweetly and breezily be sure they know I don't strip or (if we're past that point but now I'm concerned about conduct of the guests) say something about how I'm sure they and they're friends are totally great but just because in my business some people do misunderstand the difference between our artform and what strippers or exotic dancers do, they'll notice there are some guideline language in the contract/confirmation I'll send them--just don't want them to be surprised or alarmed by that.

i don't see the big deal. i've known entertainment agencies that offered skittish clients a bellydancer when it sounded like a stripper wasn't appropriate. personally a gig is a gig & they can call me a zebra as long as they pay me. tina

Originally Posted by tattood1

i don't see the big deal. i've known entertainment agencies that offered skittish clients a bellydancer when it sounded like a stripper wasn't appropriate. personally a gig is a gig & they can call me a zebra as long as they pay me. tina

WOW! Lovecraft actually said/wrote that? It sounds so unlike him, unless of course dancing filled him with horror, which DOES sound like him. ..l;,

Not to hijack this thread, but where on earth did you find this quote???

Originally Posted by Lauren_

Thing is, this is EXACTLY what most Americans are thinking when they hire a bellydancer, whether they say it out loud or not -- unless they're hiring 'moving wallpaper' for a themed party.

The idea is that you're supposed to bring some naughty, nudge-nudge, wink-wink edgey entertainment to the party and embarrass the GOH & dance for him like his own private harem girl. But without actually taking your clothes off or doing anything to embarrass the guests.

We're kidding ourselves if we think that 90% of the time we aren't being hired as a family-friendly alternative to a stripper.

Hopefully, by the time we *leave* the party there's some recognition of skill or musicality...

sigh.....Sad but true