Thread: Asked for information - then left out of the loop

I have a question for all you bhuzzers out there. I used to dance in a small club that was fairly far from my house. My friend actually negotiated the rate and we danced there a few times, off and on. Eventually we stopped dancing there because he wanted a regular dancer (the same one over and over) and we had to call him or wait to be called to work. Like most owners, he was not wanting to give up the scheduling to other dancers.

So eventually he started using the same dancer over and over. I had other things come into my life which shifted my focus away from the phoning in to see if he wanted me to dance and I sorta swept it under the rug. There was no point in beating a dead horse when he had what he wanted, which was a consistent same dancer over and over.

The rub comes in when a few months ago a fellow dancer e-mailed me asking me about the place. I stated the details and gave up my information willingly. Now I have come to find out that she's the scheduling dancer and never once mentioned anything to me about that or even mentioned the possibility of me dancing there again since now she would schedule and I would have an easier route.

I guess what upsets me more is that not only do I feel "pumped" for information but also like my toes have been stepped on. I gave up information thinking that this was used to the advantage of one person which was actually already publicly handled on Tribe.

My question now is how to handle this. Obviously I'm upset because I feel that I was used. We have quite a large dance community and very limited gigs. I stated the reason why I stopped dancing was because it was FAR away and it was more work than it was worth having to call him and "beg" to be scheduled.

Or am I just mad at myself for once again "doing the right thing" and then being left out of the loop yet again? I have done scheduling more than once and I've always been fair and equitable in handing out the gigs. And using more than just my super close friends but going out to dancer I knew were good enough.

Thoughts?

Well... maybe I'm misreading the post, but it sounds to me like this dancer MIGHT have been trying to do the right thing, too.

She might have been asking for info to make sure she wasn't undercutting or stealing your gig. If your response was that you don't want to dance there any more because it's too far and a pain in your butt to work with the owner, then -- well, if I were her I'd think "great, I'm not taking her gig and as long as I charge the same rate she was getting, I'm golden!"

Maybe you should contact her and let her know that you're interested in being put on the roster? If she doesn't know that, you can't very well be upset with her for not offering it to you. All she knows is you walked away from the gig and didn't want it any more.

Well, I made it pretty clear that the reason for walking away because it was a) far and b) too much work to constantly call the owner and work things out. I mentioned I had no desire to try and work out being the scheduling dancer as I just don't have time.

She, in turn, neglected to ever mention that she was going to be the scheduling dancer or when she became the scheduling dancer never once was I contacted to see if I had continued interest. Nor was it ever asked if I had interest if the situation changed up (from being the repeat dancer to a schedule of a variety of dancers).

Perhaps it's my fault for not asking more questions because I thought she was simply filling in or going to bid the gig for herself in the same role I had (calling in, asking for a date).

Originally Posted by zahena

Well, I made it pretty clear that the reason for walking away because it was a) far and b) too much work to constantly call the owner and work things out. I mentioned I had no desire to try and work out being the scheduling dancer as I just don't have time.

Honestly I would have considered that a "final answer" response--there's nothing in that that suggests possible future interest to me!

~~Kimahri

I agree with Lauren & Kimahri

If I were the other dancer, I would have thought you wouldn't be interested, for the very reasons you stated here.
1. Too far.
2. Scheduling problems.

SHE might be going through scheduling problems with him too, even if SHE'S working with him.
What is HIS criteria?
Does he want the SAME dancer weekly, monthy, or a different dancer every night now?
I wouldn't have asked if you were still interested, because you already said it's too far.
If the distance doesn't bother you anymore, then definetly ask her to consider you.
I hope it works out for you. :-)

She should have been up front with you before she even asked you the questions. Not doing so is a lie of omission.
Also, you indicated that you didn't want to talk to HIM anymore. Now that she is doing the scheduling, she should have asked you if you wanted to get on, at least in a sub role. Even if she thought you weren't interested because of the distance, she should have realized that there was more to it than that.

If interested in dancing there again, I would just forget about the bad feelings and ask her if she could add you.

Yeah I think it's the omission part that bugged me. Honestly, I think I'm more mad at MYSELF than anyone else. I think I'm a little jaded and bitter. I feel sometimes that I am too open and honest with information and that somewhere along the line it winds up biting me in my fanny.

In many "life situations" you'll never know exactly what was going on. In those cases, you have two choices:

- hold a grudge
This hurts you more than you'd think by taking your energy away from more productive things and keeping you in a negative mindset. Plus, it rarely hurts the other person, even if they notice. (And if she's not picking up on subtle points like "I don't want to dance there anymore because I'm sick of calling that guy" and "I don't want to dance there *right now* because I'm sick of calling that guy", she probably won't get it.)

- assume that which hurts you the least.
i.e., that your friend simply misunderstood, wasn't trying to hurt you, and isn't aware that she has.


I'd suggest calling your friend and saying "I'm so glad to hear that you're booking now - dealing with him was such a pain that I stopped trying to dance there, but now that you're doing it, I'd love to go back."

If she wasn't trying to go behind your back, then you have your venue back and your friend back, and everybody's happy.

And if she *was* trying to sneak around, or if there's a legitmate reason why she isn't calling you already (maybe the venue owner told her not to, since you stopped calling?) she'll have to explain her way out of it. :)

I'm going to have to also side with Lauren and Kimahri on this one. Not having been a party to the conversation it's hard to judge whether information was intentionally omitted, but I can see there could be reasonable explanations for any omissions... Perhaps it just didn't come up. Perhaps she thought your feelings were clear from the start so why bring it up. Perhaps since the distance hadn't changed (even though the scheduling had), she thought you still wouldn't be interested.... I could go on.

Point is, don't be so quick to jump to bad conclusions about it. Call or email her and TELL HER you'd be interested in dancing there again.

I find it a little funny that you're complaining about lack of communication when you yourself haven't communicated your feelings or desires in this situation. Don't assume she should know how you feel--be upfront with her.