Thread: When writing copy for your website.....

What person should you use?

I have the majority of my site written in third person. This week I made some updates, and now my homepage is terribly confused - I go from third person, to first, to second. Apparently I don't know how many of us there are or which one I am.

My dilemma is this - I'd like some parts of my website to be more conversational and personal, some to be more professional and detached. Does anyone have any ideas on how to accomplish this without sounding schizophrenic?

If you want a mix of voices, I'd keep third person for home page and booking or pricing page (a bit like an agent is speaking on your behalf), and perhaps you could use first-person if you have an FAQ section (TH answers your questions).

I've always used first person, as I've found third person a bit clunky and impersonal. I hadn't thought that first person might be perceived as unprofessional (in fact I think that the detachment of third is a bit clinical - I don't think people think of 'clinical' when they think of bellydancer?). Will rethink that...

Originally Posted by CFerhat

If you want a mix of voices, I'd keep third person for home page and booking or pricing page (a bit like an agent is speaking on your behalf), and perhaps you could use first-person if you have an FAQ section (TH answers your questions).

Oooh, I like this idea!

Originally Posted by deelybopper

I've always used first person, as I've found third person a bit clunky and impersonal. I hadn't thought that first person might be perceived as unprofessional (in fact I think that the detachment of third is a bit clinical - I don't think people think of 'clinical' when they think of bellydancer?). Will rethink that...

It's not so much about me personally being detached, it's more about me presenting myself as if I am being represented by an agent. It seems like a bit more professional presentation, and I feel like it gives me a layer of personal removal from the weirdos out there (which may or may not actually be true).

I agree that it feels really clunky sometimes, though.

It never hurts to look like you've "got people." :)

I have a friend who is a self-employed financial adviser - the recording on his answering machine is a British woman's voice. LOL

I keep my website copy in the third person for all sections but my FAQ. This is a section where audiences want friendly answers to all their questions, so it's a nice place to take a reassuring, upbeat, slightly more conversational tone.

To Deelybopper's point about the third person, it's a fairly difficult P.O.V. to write from, but doesn't have to be clunky if you do it elegantly and with care.

It personally peeves me a bit to see "My name is Lady Shapoopie and my dancing is X, Y, and Z. I love to dance because ________." Part of the bellydancer persona is a slight detachment from overly personal stuff (hence the stage names, the caftans, the acting on your most ladylike behavior when in costume). It makes sense to establish a sophisticated distance and therefore refrain from chatty tones and personal opinions in formal bios and other writeups. I've never seen a first-person bio done well.

To present opinions as fact, they must be presented in the third person. A dancer who says "I'm great" is presenting a biased opinion, even if she is really great. However the statement that "the dancer is great" is being presented as a fact. People want to hire great dancers, not dancers who think they are great

I do like the idea of having the FAQ in first person because questions are directed right at the dancer and it does present a warmer, more intimate voice.

Originally Posted by LeylaFahada

To present opinions as fact, they must be presented in the third person. A dancer who says "I'm great" is presenting a biased opinion, even if she is really great. However the statement that "the dancer is great" is being presented as a fact. People want to hire great dancers, not dancers who think they are great

This is so true!

Originally Posted by LeylaFahada

People want to hire great dancers, not dancers who think they are great

It's kinda like the producer of a festival, etc, writing and publishing a review of his/her own event! No objectivity, plenty of agenda . . . I turn my nose up at stuff like that.

On the other hand, even though I know the person has written his/her own copy for a website, at least third person makes it sound like someone else has this wonderful opinion!

Deborah

Originally Posted by casbahdance

On the other hand, even though I know the person has written his/her own copy for a website, at least third person makes it sound like someone else has this wonderful opinion!

Deborah

Yes! I do agree - I know it, but I never think about it while reading. And if we hyper-aware dancers are willing to let ourselves be fooled, the GP will certainly have no problem.

Now my problem is that I'm day-job searching and website creating, so sometimes I have to spend hours writing to convince other people how great I am between copy and cover letters. It's difficult to not feel self-obsessed with all of it.

Originally Posted by CFerhat

It never hurts to look like you've "got people." :)

My voice mail message totally amuses people who know me. I say, "You have reached Galatea Middle Eastern Dance. We're sorry we missed your call." Makes it sound like I've got flunkies that do my bidding, when in actuality it's just lil' ol me.

my vote:
3rd person for the site and perhaps incorporate 1st person on a "meet tamra henna" page, where you can incorporate what you want to say 1st person in an interview style

Originally Posted by tamrahennatx

It's not so much about me personally being detached, it's more about me presenting myself as if I am being represented by an agent. It seems like a bit more professional presentation, and I feel like it gives me a layer of personal removal from the weirdos out there (which may or may not actually be true).

I agree that it feels really clunky sometimes, though.

If I was your manager, I'd encourage you to keep the entire site in 3rd person, even in the FAQ's. Third person provides:

• An air of mystery
• A professional level of detachment
• The impression that you have "people"

If you want to have a personal statement in there, that's probably okay--kind of like the message from the CEO on a website, but otherwise, 3rd person.

All really good points - will have to go away and rethink website now...

I have decided on using third (or second) person throughout my website, with the exception of the Class FAQ section (which has been up for AGES) and a new section of my site, which I'm calling "Behind the Screens" - I intend to turn that portion of my site into a blog/resource for my students and other dancers.

It's a compromise, and yes, the "blog" portion of my site is available to everyone to see, but all in all I feel it's not a bad compromise. While I want to remain professional, I would also like a place to offer more information, and I feel that having a section of my site rich in content other than self-promotion is actually an excellent way to promote my site and myself.

From a "persuasion in copy" standpoint, second person is going to draw the reader in and get them more excited about you. They are looking at your site for a reason--they have a need or a problem and hope you will fill it. Second person writing says "If *you* are looking for a great new exercise" or "Entertain *your* wedding guests in an exciting new way". Demonstrate you understand their problem and then offer your solution. When talking about yourself, a mix of third and first can be used wherever it's appropriate. But if you're in a competitive market and every other dancer's site is in 3rd person, you may want to put yours in 1st (or vice-versa) just to stand out. (except for testimonials and opinions, as someone already mentioned)

Best of success!
Mira