Thread: Dealing with an owner's family

I need some advice about dealing with a restaurant owner. I have been dancing at one particular family-owned restaurant for awhile now (I'm not naming names). Up until recently, I have had no problems with the place. The owner is awesome, pays promptly and always treats me with great respect. However, one of the restaurant's family members, who works there often, recently began flirting with me. At first, it was very innocent (smiles, etc.) and I would politely ignore the advances and start talking about my husband. However, the last time I danced there, he grabbed my behind. So, I punched him in the arm and told him to knock it off. Even though I was very serious in my tone of voice, he seemed to think it was funny. When this happened, I had just finished my last show, had been paid and was on my way out, so I grabbed my stuff and walked out. I did not tell the owner and I am afraid to do so because of his relationship with his family. At this point, I don't know if I should cancel my future shows and never go back there, or if I should go back and try to resolve this. I am very confused and very nervous of what it will happen if I go back. It's a shame because I like the restaurant owner a lot and I love the crowd that patrons the place. What would you do?

I think I would tell the owner. Not angrily, but calmly and sweetly 'Can you help me keep an eye out for your cousin Moustafa? Last week he touched my bum. I love dancing here, but obviously I can't continue if your staff is going to treat me that way."

I'd also be very firm with the offender himself. Get in his face if necessary. To him, culturally, you're not much of a married woman if your husband lets you go out alone, never mind being a dancer, so the married card won't do much. Pressure from his own family is probably most effective, but he also need to know that you are NOT playing.

If you're already willing to walk on the gig, I see no harm in trying to resolve the matter with the owner first. Especially if they've treated you well in the past. I would approach the owner and tell him what happened. Explain that you very much enjoy working there, but that you will not tolerate this sort of behavior. If it can't be resolved you will be forced to leave. Then see how the owner responds. If he plays it off as a joke, then you know that the situation will not resolve itself and it's best to walk. But he might express concern and embarrassment that this happened. You never know.

Often times having a good relationship with these family establishments means they feel you are "part of the family." If this is the case, I'm sure the owner will not be pleased that his son/brother/uncle (whatever the relationship is) overstepped his boundaries. It's worth the effort to try to resolve this, imo.

ETA: It might not hurt to have your hubby accompany you to a few of your future gigs there. His presence there will have more power than just talking about him. Lauren's right about the marriage card not holding much value, but they will still respect it more when they see said hubby looking fierce in the audience!

I agree that you should bring your hubby. I doubt he'll try any funny business with your husband standing right there!

Raidah, I am sorry you are dealing with this. A popular restaurant owner's nephew sexually harassed several dancers, me included, in two different establishments the family owned. It was worth talking to the owner, who completely got why it was wrong and kept his nephew in check. But when the owner was away, there was nothing to be done. Some dancers took it as harmless flirting, some as harassment, and several quit because of him.

Not much advice, but lots of sympathy. Do talk to the owner, do talk to other dancers to get their take on it, and if possible be really firm with the harasser that his behavior is not okay.

Good luck.

Do you think that it would be appropriate for me to ask some of the other dancers who dance there whether they've ever had a problem with this guy? I do want to find out if this guy is a known problem, but I don't want anyone this to get back to the owner and have him thinking that I'm spreading gossip or trying to ruin his name.

It is how unfortunate most of the time we are seen as dancers with no values...especially being from Turkey showed me how disrespectful men are towards dancers....
I would bring my husband first, if that still does not work, I would talk to the relative to stop his behaviour, lastly i would go to the owner and tell him about the situation, and if that does not work, I would leave and tell others about this.

I don't really have any advice for you. I just want to say that I'm so sorry that you (and any other dancers) have to deal with this at all. I was sexually harrassed in my workplace and had to report the harrasser. He had been making such lewd advances to women in the office for 30 years and no one had ever said anything - either out of fear of rocking the boat or because it just "wasn't done that way." Yeah, well, he picked the wrong one when he picked me. I had no problem turning his ass in.

I hope this situation can be resolved quickly and in your favor.

Makeda

Originally Posted by raidah

Do you think that it would be appropriate for me to ask some of the other dancers who dance there whether they've ever had a problem with this guy? I do want to find out if this guy is a known problem, but I don't want anyone this to get back to the owner and have him thinking that I'm spreading gossip or trying to ruin his name.

I think it's better to just go straight to the owner without talking to other dancers.

Just to emphasize that you need to address this NOW before it gets worse. Report him immediately. Do not talk to the offender at all other than to tell him to stop it. Don't let there be any gray area to allow him to say that you wanted his attention. It is horrible and strange, but things like this can really come back to haunt you in ways you never expected.

And like the other ladies said, get your husband involved. Make sure he is very aware of what happened.

I'm sorry this happened to you. It is disgusting.

i think if your business relationship with the owner has been good, you should definitely talk to him first, rather than just quit.

and the bringing your husband along a few times seems like a good idea too.

If he tries it again, break his arms.

Ok, ok, just kidding. The belly dance mafia probably actually is *not* that good an idea.

I think Lauren's advice was very good, both in content and tone...and I agree...if your relationship with the owner is good, then talking with him directly is better than talking to the other dancers unless one of them is a close personal friend...which if that were the case, I'd think she'd have warned you if she knew someone was a known "problem", so that probably says something too....

Getting into the gossip loop with other dancers could be more dangerous than it's worth...especially if you're kind of new there. I hate to think this way, but someone else could try to use your "gossiping" against you with the owner....

Ra'idah - PM me or drop me an email and let's discuss. I am curious if it is where I think it is. If it is where I think, then a sweet word with the owner should be enough. Sorry to sound cryptic, but I think I might have some info that helps.