Thread: Living in a vaccuum

Okay, I realize I've mentioned some things about this before, and I was willing to believe I was being paranoid.

The other day a girl came into my class asking where the 'bellydance expo' was. I told her I hadn't heard anything about it (this in front of my students). Later I saw a poster for this 'expo'. Then, just yesterday, someone had posted a notice for *another* bellydance festival I was unaware of, *over* my brand-new teaching posters.

These things, coupled with not being contacted for a community event that every dancer usually participates in, including me, last summer, have made me feel...isolated? Lonely? I have emailed local instructors, offered to take them to coffee, even accompanied them to workshops and invited them to dance in my hafla (which one of them did). However, on the other end...total silence. They know I am here, and that I'd like to at least be *told* something is happening, so I can tell my students. I don't necessarily need to be invited, although that would be nice, as I am a *local* dancer and teacher and these are *local* shows. However, I'd just like to be notified so I can let my students know about opportunities to watch bellydance. Instead, I just look totally out of touch, community-wise.

I saw a huge difference from this in Fresno, where the bellydance community was very accepting, and there were gigs to be had, and it was brilliant to be around a bunch of dancers who really had a sense of community. They stayed in touch with each other and hung out together.

One of my students was talking last night about the elitism and isolation of this area. That is, not just in dance, but in general. So I wondered. And to be honest, my feelings are a bit hurt, but it's not even like anyone is in my face insulting me. It's just...total silence, where things are going on around me nobody bothers to communicate with me about.

So, tell me...do you think I'm being paranoid? Or is there something a bit strange about this?

You might e-mail the dancers you'd like to be in touch with and ask if they have mailing lists to which they can add your address. It's possible that they're intentionally excluding you for some reason, but it's also possible that they don't want to be presumptuous by advertising their events to you without your having requested that they do so.

I know I socialized with many dancers in my area, but they didn't advertise to me until I specifically asked to be put on their mailing lists.

It's so hard to say, without knowing more about you personally and the individuals who seem to be shutting you out. But it sounds like you could use a big hug, so here's one: (((HUG)))

I would send them a very matter-of-fact and professional e-mail (greeting them warmly by name if it's someone I know personally):

Please add me to your mailing list. I'd like to be able to share information about your future events with my students. E-mail can be directed to this address, here's my mailing address for flyers:

If they send you stuff, great. If not, they're lousy business people at the very least.

If they don't like you, are shutting you out, are gossiping behind your back or whatever, there's not much you can do about that, nor should you waste a moment thinking about it. Rising above the junior high lunchroom stuff and behaving professionally will not only benefit your business and your reputation in the community, it will bring you great personal satisfaction and a deep sense of peace (once it becomes a habit rather than a struggle, that is)

Thank you guys. It's so nice to have bhuz where there is a community I can escape to from the vaccuum!

I will try the email thing, Lauren, and thank you for the hug, Shira! It's just been more obvious lately, with all the events going on that I wasn't aware of. It's definitely not out of my avoiding them!

On a practical note, if you have students who are more plugged-in to the grid - for whatever reason - you can use them as resources. There's no shame in that; just beacue you are the teacher doesn't mean you need to know every event in town.

Most classes have the gung-ho crazy enthusiast student who somehow hears about every happening for the poster of yours which got covered, let that be an work for you! For the flyer, I think it would be appropriate to contact that other teacher and let them know this happened and that you find it unacceptable.

Just to play devil's advocate, it's possible that the other dancers are not being "junior high" but that they have their own stuff going on.

I know that if someone emailed and asked me for coffee, I would not have the time. You just never know, each person's obligations are different. Email? prob ok. Phone, getting to feel like a hassle but maybe ok if I have the downtime. In-person, no way!

Add to that the fact that many dancers (like, say, me!) can be a bit scattered, and it's not too surprising that overtures may sometimes go unanswered.

I have a hard enough time squeezing in my actual dance partner, let alone a stranger. You just never know what's going in in the other person's life, but it's probably got nothing to do with you.
If I had any advice to give it would be that last sentence, plus not to come off like you're entitled to the other person's attention, or that they "owe" you anything, which can be offputting as a first impression.

And definitely give them time to respond, rather than bombarding them. I have had this happen and it really sucks to see a stack of increasingly shrill "why are you IGNORING me" messages when you're just trying to catch up on your backlog after getting through a family situation which was much more important than some bellydance nonsense.

Hi Lotus,

I do see what you are saying. I think I just want to be kept in the loop, I don't necessarily want to be best friends. Since I would keep them in the loop, that is. Again, Fresno was such a breath of fresh air...

I know, and it's a bummer when people are like that. I felt the same way when I moved to the bay area, before letting go of that mindset. Even though other communities might be warmer/friendlier/more-whatever, it was just easier to learn to be happy with the scene I've got. much easier.

I don't know about your area specifically, but I also came to realize that there is no monolithic "scene". there are many small pocket of people doing their own things.

That lack of cohesion was very hard for me to understand and quite different from other cities I lived in. But realizing there was no cohesion also made me realize that I couldn't possibly be excluded from what didn't exist. It just required a shift in perspective.

Hi Andalee,

Yes, I'm in the Midwest. I grew up here and everything, but I've spent so much of my adult life away that it's like I'm brand new. Things are certainly different, as your friend says. What has she experienced?

BTW, thanks for making up those shirts! I love mine.

Brea, darling, no advice for you, but HELLO and a great big HUG!!!

I am going to agree with Lotus that sometimes it's simply easier to have a student who is plugged in and who keeps people informed. When I was taking with Anahata, I was the go to girl for what was going on with the belly dance community in Los Angeles. Anahata just didn't have the time to keep track of things. (it also helps that LA has several really decent resources to keep track of what is going on in the area.)

There is also another point you may want to ponder - how many of the teachers / dancers in the area know that you are planning on leaving for Scotland in a year? many may simply have a resistance to investing in a relationship which isn't going to last very long. (BTW - The pound is now $1.68. Which is about $.20 less than when I sent my son to Aberdeen 4 weeks ago!)

My suggestion is to not sweat it too much. Cultivate your students, go to those events which you want to, and keep your chin up!

{{{{HUGS}}}

Hi Brea,

I'd second (or third or fourth or whatever...) the writing and specifically asking to be added to people's email lists. It's quite possible that, though you've talked to people etc....they just don't even realize that they never actually got you added to their email lists. Lots of people are working with fairly manual processes, and it's possible for stuff to slip through the cracks...especially when it's someone with whom there's, say, not the paper trail of a student registration form or a mailing list sign up but rather more informal contact.

Of course...it could also be that they're just not notifying you for some reason. I had the rather weird experience about six months ago of suddenly being rather suddenly deleted from the mailing list of another dancer in town who'd had me on her list for more than 10 years or so! Not really sure what the heck happened there, but now I mainly here about her events word of mouth, which is too bad, because I actually liked to go to and support her stuff. Weird.