Thread: Need feedback on my attempt at promotion

First off I KNOW I CAN'T WRITE

I started a new thread becuase my old one got sidetracked . .

Please, any feedback/suggestions (please be gentle though!!). Trying to write a few promotional paragraphs about me. As you can see the one actually talking about me is by far the weakest!!


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Why Arabic dance (belly dance?)

In the middle east, no party is complete without a belly dancer! A dancer is an integral part of family entertainment at weddings and parties as well as an essential part of a visit to any Arabic nightclub. The dancer provides visual bridge between music and the audience, an exhilarating, interactive experience. Why not liven up your event with something exotic, colourful and engaging?

Zafirah

Zafirah is an experienced, London based performer known for her authentic Modern Egyptian style belly dance. Her style is based on strong but delicate and intricate technique and a deep connection to the music. Zafirah will liven up any event with am elegant, sparkling performance.

Zafirah is available for corporate or private events, weddings, clubs and parties. Performances are usually divided into sets of 10-15 minutes but she is happy to tailor her performance to your requirements. Each set typically includes 2-4 pieces of different style and mood and she can include an ‘audience particpation’ section of required. She mainly performs Modern Egyptian style belly dance, but can also do different styles/props if requested (for example, Egyptian Stick Dance, Alexandrian (Melaya Leff), Veil.) Zafirah prefers the sleek and elegant costume styles of the top Egyptian Designers (I only added this because a lot of agency bellydancers seem to go on about how many costumes they own whilst having lots of pics in istanbul airport specials?!).

Zafirah is available for performances throughout London and Surrey.


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A lot of people's material makes them sound like they can do any style but honestly if someone is looking for Turkish, womyn bonding, or Sexy Stag party then they'd be better off with another dancer so I don't mind that my narrow style definition puts them off. I am lucky enough that I can be this picky as I have a day job.

Originally Posted by zafirah

Why Arabic dance (belly dance?)

In the middle east, no party is complete without a belly dancer! A dancer is an integral part of family entertainment at weddings and parties as well as an essential part of a visit to any Arabic nightclub. The dancer provides visual bridge between music and the audience, an exhilarating, interactive experience. Why not liven up your event with something exotic, colourful and engaging?

Why put a question mark after bellydance? This implies you don't know wht you are talking about. Be positive.

Originally Posted by zafirah

Zafirah

Zafirah is an experienced, London based performer known for her authentic Modern Egyptian style belly dance. Her style is based on strong but delicate and intricate technique and a deep connection to the music. Zafirah will liven up any event with am elegant, sparkling performance.

Zafirah is available for corporate or private events, weddings, clubs and parties. Performances are usually divided into sets of 10-15 minutes but she is happy to tailor her performance to your requirements. Each set typically includes 2-4 pieces of different styles and moods and she can include an ‘audience particpation’ section of required. She mainly performs Modern Egyptian style belly dance, but can also do offer different styles along with use of a variety of dance props if requested (for example, Egyptian Stick Dance, Alexandrian (Melaya Leff), veil.) Zafirah prefers the sleek and elegant costume styles of the top Egyptian Designers (I only added this because a lot of agency bellydancers seem to go on about how many costumes they own whilst having lots of pics in istanbul airport specials?!).

Zafirah is available for performances throughout London and Surrey.

You have typo errors. And also over flowery prose. I've underlined them. I personally don't think you need to mention the designer costumes. Perhaps just put that Zafirah's costuming is expensively elegant and purchased in Cairo. Name dropping means nothing to Joe Public. Also, if you are not prepared to do all male stag dos, make sure you say this.
Hope this helps.

Originally Posted by kharis_UK

Why put a question mark after bellydance? This implies you don't know wht you are talking about. Be positive.





You have typo errors. And also over flowery prose. I've underlined them. I personally don't think you need to mention the designer costumes. Perhaps just put that Zafirah's costuming is expensively elegant and purchased in Cairo. Name dropping means nothing to Joe Public. Also, if you are not prepared to do all male stag dos, make sure you say this.
Hope this helps.

Thanks! I am all too aware of how much my writing sucks, so all this feedback is useful. Good idea about the costume issue.

Z

Hey! Kudos for taking those big, bold steps toward writing efficient ad copy. Copywriting is fun, isn't it?

I don't know how you plan to lay out your copy on a website, but I find it helpful to divide my copywriting into distinct "trains of thought." It seems as though you've got some info on yourself and some info on your performances going on in the same conversation. If I were you, I'd divide it up into segments:

About Zafirah

Zafirah is an experienced, London based performer known for her authentic Modern Egyptian style belly dance. Her style is based on strong but delicate and intricate technique and a deep connection to the music.

(The rest should be a complete bio, including any media appearances, gig highlights, who you've studied with, and anything else noteworthy about YOU. A bio shouldn't be a hard sell, just informative. You can even bullet-point your repetoire, with melaya, stick dance, etc. as a list. This should all go on one web page, theoretically).

On a separate page, you might want to do your booking info, and go into why somebody may want to hire a BDer. NOW, it's OK to get into the hard sell

Shows & Booking (or whatever you want to call this page)

Why Arabic dance (belly dance?)

In the middle east, no party is complete without a belly dancer! A dancer is an integral part of family entertainment at weddings and parties as well as an essential part of a visit to any Arabic nightclub. The dancer provides visual bridge between music and the audience, an exhilarating, interactive experience. Liven up your event with an exotic, colourful and engaging performance by Zafirah.

Zafirah is available for corporate or private events, weddings, clubs and parties. Performances are usually divided into sets of 10-15 minutes but she is happy to tailor her performance to your requirements. Each set typically includes 2-4 pieces of different style and mood and she can include an ‘audience particpation’ section of required. She mainly performs Modern Egyptian style belly dance, but can also do different styles/props if requested (for example, Egyptian Stick Dance, Alexandrian (Melaya Leff), Veil.) Zafirah prefers the sleek and elegant costume styles of the top Egyptian Designers.

Zafirah is available for performances throughout London and Surrey.

Please ignore my $0.02 if you already have a "bio" written up! If you don't, however, I think you should.

And also, I forgot to say, congrats on being specific about your style. I think a lot of dancers err on the side of trying too hard to please everyone, if you know what I mean.

Hi Satin Worship, thanks for the comments

I should have explained better - this is to produce a one page kind of deal to submit to entertainment agencies - this is the text that I would go on my artist page. (although my own antiquated website needs a good overhaul at some point too!)

My thoughts were

-tell them why they want a bellydancer paragraph
-them them why i am awesome paragraph
-boring details paragraph

Z

Originally Posted by zafirah

Thanks! I am all too aware of how much my writing sucks, so all this feedback is useful. Good idea about the costume issue.

Z

It's not that bad. Always do a cold re-read. That is to say, leave it a few hours or days before editing. Mistakes jump off the page.

Originally Posted by zafirah

Hi Satin Worship, thanks for the comments

I should have explained better - this is to produce a one page kind of deal to submit to entertainment agencies - this is the text that I would go on my artist page. (although my own antiquated website needs a good overhaul at some point too!)

My thoughts were

-tell them why they want a bellydancer paragraph
-them them why i am awesome paragraph
-boring details paragraph

Z

Ahhhhh, OK. That makes so much more sense to me now!

I definitely agree with Kharis, for a one-pager like this, you'll want crisp, concise language. This would also be a good place to bullet-point things like your repetoire, previous clients, or anything else that would appear as a list.

Also, do you have any little testimonials from previous clients? You don't need anything over-the-top. Even just little sound bites would be great! (Possibly even better than 3-paragraph odes or Shakespearean sonnets)

I agree about the crisp and concise language. There also is another trick I use (as I tend to be the long winded flowery type myself)...When picking adjectives I say the word by itself out loud sometimes three or four times and see what it conjures up. This kind-of tests the subconscious associations with the word outside of context because that tends to be part of the effect of advertising in my mind.
For instance even though the word delicate can be great in context especially to other belly dancers it may not be the most powerful sales word. You may want to play around to find those you like...When I look even at your picture online the word that comes to mind is dynamic. Hope this tidbit might help a little. Anna

Originally Posted by aputzkaperrin

For instance even though the word delicate can be great in context especially to other belly dancers it may not be the most powerful sales word. You may want to play around to find those you like...When I look even at your picture online the word that comes to mind is dynamic. Hope this tidbit might help a little. Anna

Refined may be a better choice. Less dainty, more high-end ..g.: