Thread: A Tainted Experience (or Body Image and Self Worth)

Originally Posted by gretchendances

Wow... well obviously that lady never saw me perform then when I lived in NOLA. She would have called me obese.
You know that happened to me recently @ a show I did. Some older man made a comment about how I needed to do something about my weight. The Drag Queen emceeing the show totally called him out on it. I say if it still bothers you, inform the management of her inappropriate comments.

I think I would have paid very good money to see a drag queen calling that guy out! I can't imagine all the hilarity that ensued!

I really am doing a lot better. She only rented space in my head...didn't get a long term lease. And after my initial spiral, the anger set in and that has actually motivated me. I'm one of those people who actually kinda likes having a nemesis, if that makes sense, even if its only an abstract concept of one. So now I have even more of a reason to get out there and perform publicly...to show everyone that you don't have to have a perfect body in order to be completely fabulous. And I have more motivation to be more aggressive about promoting the studio and growing larger.

As terrible as her comments were, she gave me a cause. I now have a banner to rally under. ..g.:

I actually chose very specifically not to name the vendor because I don't want people boycotting her or making a deal out of her. It was less about who said it and more about what was said and the effect it had...about the process that it sent me through.

I will say that I won't personally be purchasing from her in the future. I'll let a small amount of info slip and admit that she makes items that can be worn on the body...and I have this weird belief that handmade items retain the spirit of their owners. And I don't want something made by such a negative person in my personal space. But I also believe that I don't need to give this woman any help...she's self defeating enough as it is. Imagine what other kind of "open mouth insert foot" comments she makes to people. She doesn't seem to have a filter between her brain and her mouth. She also has a habit of sitting at her table with a sour look on her face and generally appearing rather unapproachable. So she doesn't need my help...she sabotages herself.

And Gretchen: You are one of the more beautiful and fabulous dancers I've ever seen! I only had the pleasure of seeing you perform once when I was still a baby belly, but it made a huge impression on me. You danced on martini glasses. I can't remember where it was or when, but I remember the actual dance pretty vividly. Impressed me so much that dancing on glasses is on my list of things I'd like to accomplish!

Yeah, I was thinking, that mean woman might have thought, "Well, if that belly dancer can go around feeling all good about herself and not be that skinny type and I can't go around feeling good about MY self not being the body type I see as proper, then she shouldn't be able to feel good at all!" Something like that.

Originally Posted by safiradokos

That's awesome! Hahahaha! ..l;,

I called an old Marine Corps buddy yesterday afternoon to relate the story to him...yes, I'm a prior service Marine. I got a few lines into the story and he interrupted me to ask me how much my bail was cause he was on his way to come and get me out of jail. LMAO

Probably a good thing that my brawling days are behind me. ..g.:

Never mind, maybe the next person she tries to "advise" will give her a good slap.
Around here she'd have been told to "go forth and multiply"
You look spectacular and don't lose any more sleep over a rude,jealous b$tch.

OMG - how did you resist punching her square in the chops?

It is better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to open your mouth and remove all doubt . -- George Eliot

Wow, I'm glad you are such a patient and calm person. My response would have run like this:

"If you don't mind a little advice? I suggest that you not use any words that come out of your mouth to advertise YOUR business. Your narrow-mindedness and cruelty are rather off-putting. So long!"

Exactly Tigerb!

Originally Posted by smuse

Yeah, I was thinking, that mean woman might have thought, "Well, if that belly dancer can go around feeling all good about herself and not be that skinny type and I can't go around feeling good about MY self not being the body type I see as proper, then she shouldn't be able to feel good at all!" Something like that.

Exactly. I think, to many people, the idea that is the most threatening is the notion that they are not entirely horrible, ugly and worthless. People often have a lot invested in their own bad self-image.

You did right to walk away. One thing you must learn if you perform is never to take home any negative comment-never give it room to live in your head. People can be rude-and thats not your problem. Please don't let it spoil anything. The rude person has probably forgot it by now so must you. there are some horrid people out there but focus on the lovely comments you had-think what a nasty cow that woman was, feel a weeny bit sorry for her for her problems and don't take it on board. Enjoy your dancing and be proud of your self for your great performance. Don't let people like this win. they will always be there and you handled it well by walking away.Now take another step back and see it for what it is-jealous raving by an unhappy person. You don't need to worry.

I know you're getting a lot of support on here but girl... I can relate. Been there, done that, got the t-shirt. She was a rude "B" and you need to completely disregard her comments. Completely. Anyone that would go to that length to insult a stranger...??!!?? Who in the heck did she think she was?

At any rate, I have also been told that I am too fat, too... but worse as it was by a dance teacher I trusted and who had helped me to get gigs, but then when I decided to quit her class because I was bored and felt I needed to move on to grow as a dancer, well...suddenly I was too fat for her gigs. Go figure!

I just wanted to add that I thought your posts were just beautiful. Even though the experience was yucky, you seem to be all the stronger and better for it. Your thought processes and wisdom you've shared have been really uplifting and inspiring. Thanks and best wishes!

You are so gracious. I'd be telling her not only did her rudeness cost her one customer, that I would also be advising other people not to shop with her. Not to say we don't all have our off days, but such deliberately mean behavior is uncalled for.

I was very struck by your saying that you really love being an instructor because you like having students begin to love themselves AS THEY ARE. I feel the same way! It was so lovely in the all of what you said that THAT is IMPORTANT to you!
I would have to say that you need to bring yourself back to that moment when you can see it in YOUR OWN EYES!
So hard to do, I struggle with this all the time myself!
I keep going back to one teenage moment:
Dance class and the teacher says something like I don't know why you even bother coming to back to classes, you dance very well but your body type it all wrong. There is no place for you in the dance world. (I am 5'10 1/2'' with a rather large set). Granted she was a stick skinny ballet teacher but still what was she thinking? (I would have to ask the same thing of the vendor). What are these people thinking when they tell you what you should and should not be doing based on your body? I could see if it was a dance problem, why are you doing this because it is evident that you stink, lord I can live with that!
I was hurt and mad and then I came to the choice I made, I would continue to come to classes and stick it out AND show this person that they were wrong: My body type did not preclude me from dancing in any form I wanted.
I still need to go with the little speech every so often.
Another thought: What the heck does a random vendor at a market know about dance, business, or anything else that you should value her opinion?

wow. People.
The wanting to be nice side of me would be somewht bemused but find her stupidity amusing.

The evil side would have been tempted to tell her that her opinion is offensive so why doesn't she feck off and keep her thoughts to herself.

Originally Posted by safiradokos

She only rented space in my head...didn't get a long term lease.

I LOVE this quote... ..g.:..g.:..g.:

you look amazing! concider the sorce?
i don't understand why people want to tare others apart. it sad when you had a great time them someone has to say something that they have no buisness saying.
i danced at a cultural fair and this lady came up to me and said you look beautiful; but here is a card for plastic surgery this place can make you look ten years younger. I am all for looking the best i can but i was shocked do i really need 10 years? how rude and hurtful!

You look great! But no matter how fat/thin/tall/short/dark/light etc etc anyone is, someone's not going to like it, so go figure. I say, "kill 'er with kindness." Next time you're at that event, and by the sounds of things, you will be, smile brightly at her (from a distance) and wave. Don't go anywhere near her, but be super positive and outgoing if you happen to find that she's within earshot; a sort of "success is the best revenge," move. That will really burn her up.

There is nothing offensive about you or your photo. Anyone who doesn't like it, doesn't have to look at it.

Originally Posted by Nabila-Nazem

You look great! But no matter how fat/thin/tall/short/dark/light etc etc anyone is, someone's not going to like it, so go figure. I say, "kill 'er with kindness." Next time you're at that event, and by the sounds of things, you will be, smile brightly at her (from a distance) and wave. Don't go anywhere near her, but be super positive and outgoing if you happen to find that she's within earshot; a sort of "success is the best revenge," move. That will really burn her up.

There is nothing offensive about you or your photo. Anyone who doesn't like it, doesn't have to look at it.

so true that is what my grandma would always say "kill them with kindness"
they change or it does kill them?..c::

What's the biotch's address? I'll send her a photo of my size 26 self in costume if she wants to see fat dancers, lol!

Seriously, there is a whole lot of meaness out there about body size. Hollywood norm for a performer is so starved and undersized that your head and hands look giant, but with fake dds.

BTW, she was probably just jealous you were out there in a faboo costume having a good time.

Originally Posted by SatinWorship19

Maybe they have their head and their arse confused? ..l;,..l;,..l;,

People say spiteful things to me for the opposite reason (because I'm so petite and slender). It hurts like hell sometimes. But the reality is that none of us will ever please everyone - whether it's our dancing, our heritage, our look or our "different-ness" that they find offensive.

And by the way? You're SO not fat. Not remotely. Not at all. The green-eyed monster is an ugly, ugly thing .

I am afraid you handled it better than me...

I'm sorry this happened. I'm with Satin, I've had things said to me about how "How can you be a bellydancer? You don't even have enough to move around!" or "I thought bellydancers were supposed to be curvier than you!" or "What a neat little hobby, now what do you really do?" or any other of a litany of possibly offensive comments.

The bottom line is exactly what Satin said...jealousy is one mean, mean monster. We all have a bit of it inside us. Believe me...things come around full circle in the end. You're lovely and you should be VERY proud of yourself!

Dayum,
My only response could have been "Hun, is your rotten personality genetic or something you've worked to aquire?"