Thread: A Tainted Experience (or Body Image and Self Worth)

I had a great time performing at the local community market this morning…but the experience has unfortunately been tainted by a conversation that I had while there. Amazing how one little thing can ruin an otherwise nice day.

I’ve been sitting here playing it in my head all afternoon and evening. Not really asking for advice…this isn’t a person I’m ever going to have to interact with again necessarily (You can bet your ass I’ll never shop at her booth again). Not asking for sympathy either. I was just so dumbfounded by the whole thing and have become increasingly disturbed about it throughout the day to the point where I felt the need to share. So I guess that this is probably going to become a bit of a rant. I may even get up on my soapbox for a moment or two…no promises. lol

My studio was sharing the stage at the Market today with the local pipe band (a truly fun combination by the way!). So when they came back on stage for their second set I decided to take a break and walk around the market and check out the pickings for the day.

I had quite a few cute interactions while I was walking around. Lots of fun with little girls being attracted to my sparklies. Lots of funny questions and looks…not often you see a belly dancer in full regalia wandering around a farmer’s market on a Saturday afternoon after all! (For the record, I did have a cover up on, but its still pretty obvious what I am when you see me!). There was even this lovely old man in a jacket and bow tie with the most lovely little hat who asked me which direction I was going and offered to escort me. How do you turn down an offer like that? I took his proffered elbow with pride and strolled the market with him for a little while.

He was escorting me back towards the stage area when I passed a vendor who had some things that I wanted to stop for a moment to look at, so I took my leave of my escort (he truly was lovely and made me feel like such a lady!). As soon as I walked up to the table, the merchant motioned for me to come around the back of the table so we could chat. Not unusual at this market, especially since the pipe band was at full blast at the moment and it was a little loud despite us being farther away from the stage. Most of the merchants are pretty friendly with me, especially since I’m a local…I live up the street so most Saturdays I walk down to the Market with my son and at least check it out and usually buy some produce as well. So they are all used to seeing me around.

I get around the back of the table and the merchant offers me some “business advice”. She (oh yes…SHE) told me that one of my students had given her one of my postcards and that she had some advice for me: I shouldn’t use my picture in my advertising because it was offensive.

I’m a belly dancer. I’ve heard that one before. I don’t wear skimpy costumes, but sometimes the bare belly is enough to set off some people. So I kind of expect to hear that and I have some stock answers for it that are respectful but get my point across. I suspect most of us in here have our standard answer ready to go for this one. Not an entirely unusual thing to come up against.

Before I could launch into my stock answer, she launched into an explanation of why it was offensive. She said that the photo was offensive because I was fat.

I was completely struck dumb. Offensive because I was fat. Fat? And she kept on going.

She said that I shouldn’t use photos of myself in advertising and that I shouldn’t perform in public because I’m too fat. She said that belly dancers are supposed to be super skinny and pretty and that because I was neither of those things that I shouldn’t be a professional dancer. But above all I shouldn’t use my photo in ANY advertising because it was offensive and off putting.

For frame of reference, here is a link to the photo in question:
Leigh Rhinehart Dokos's Photos | Facebook

I told her that I found her opinion interesting, but that most of my students have expressed to me that one of the reasons that they felt drawn to my classes was *because* I’m not a stick skinny super model. I look like a normal woman. My appearance makes them feel like its ok not to look like a model…that they can still be good dancers, have a great time, and feel good about themselves without being a skinny minnie. My appearance actually makes me more accessible to them.

She then proceeded to tell me that she had never seen a fat belly dancer anywhere (In my head at the time: Are you kidding me, lady?!?). And then she started to reiterate her previously stated opinions, just phrasing it differently.

I simply walked away at that point. Just wasn’t worth any further engagement. Its rare that I simply walk away from someone mid-sentence. I can’t remember the last time I’ve done that. But I honestly didn’t know what else to do. And I was pretty damned offended at this point.

Let me point out that I am by no means the skinniest person on the planet. But its been awhile since anyone has referred to me as “fat”. At 5’1” tall, my healthy weight range is 98 to 132 lbs. I currently weigh 133 lbs (yep…I admitted it…in cyberspace no less!). I’ve had a baby, so the skin on my belly isn’t as taught as it was before and probably won’t get much better than it currently is. But not once have I ever had anyone complain or comment about it (at least not to my face). I’m well proportioned and most people don’t even realize that I’m even at the high end of my weight range. Its more obvious when I’m in costume, but most people are too busy watching me perform to complain about a small amount of extra fluff (and its always better to have something to shake! lol). I am a bit heavier currently than I normally am thanks to some medication I’m on, but I am by no means “fat”.

I’m not sure I know how to respond to this. As much as I’ve replayed it in my head, I don’t think there was any way I could have handled it differently. What pissed me off the most is that it sent me on a downward spiral of self doubt and body image issues. I’m female. Of course I have body issues. When I was younger I weighed about 95 lbs soaking wet. I had to gain weight to join the Marine Corps for chrissake. Some health problems and a baby later I was in the ball park of 200 lbs. With the help of my doctor and some seriously hard work, I’ve lost a ton of weight. But I still struggle with body issues and self worth….something that I think is common to a lot of women, belly dancers or not. For me it’s a little rougher…I dance in revealing costumes for a living. I bare my belly on a daily basis to my students. And at least a few times a month to strangers. So of course I’m very conscious and sensitive about my body and appearance. Its my job after all. So it just pisses me off that the exchange left me questioning myself. And I had to get back on stage and perform for another 20 minutes about 5 minutes later, so it was just what I needed at the moment.

Oddly enough, body issues are actually one of the reasons that I LOVE being a belly dance instructor: I get to help my students love their bodies AS THEY ARE. Its one of the more awesome qualities of belly dance. You get in touch with your bodies in a truly deep way. You become connected to yourself in a truly unique manner. You find muscles you didn’t know even existed. You learn to move in ways that make you feel so good about yourself…when you move like that you just know that you are the most amazing woman on the planet. Its addicting. It builds confidence. I love being part of that for my students. I love watching that self love kick in…you can see it in their faces, in the shift in their attitude, in the way they come bounding up the steps into the studio each class.

Personally, I don’t want to be a stick figure. I used to want a flat stomach and small butt. To be taught and toned in all my parts. But belly dance has taught me to love and appreciate womanly curves in a whole new way. I love that I have a butt and breasts. I used to hate my rear end…belly dance showed me how to love my booty, something I really and truly never thought would ever happen. I wouldn’t give up my curves for anything.

I hate that the exchange tainted such a fabulous day for me. I had a chance to share the stage with some of my lovely dancers today. A few students performed in public for the first time…always an amazing experience! I was so proud to be their instructor in every way today. And I received a ton of compliments on all of the dancers. Was told that we were all beautiful, wonderful dancers, our costumes were amazing…the list goes on. We made a lot of friends today in our community and I’m convinced that we left them with a positive impression of belly dance as a whole.

I think my favorite comment came from a lovely lady who caught my attention at the foot of the stage just after we had finished our first set of the day. She motioned to me to head over and told me that she just couldn’t express how much she was enjoying our performance. That what we were doing touched her. That it was inspiring. And then she asked for our card so that she can come take classes too because she wanted to find the joy that we had. It gave me the shivers. Because for me, that’s what its about. Spreading the joy.

For the record, we have already been asked to perform at the Market again next month (and it was made clear that they want to book us a few more times over the next few months as well). The Market Director came up to me after the closing and expressed to me how many positive comments she had gotten from everyone about our performances and that they were all excited to have us return as soon as possible. As soon as we are able to sync up our respective calendars, I'll be posting some more performance dates for the venue. And, despite the taint to my day, I can honestly say that I'm excited to return there.

Knowing that our audience felt our joy today is completely amazing for me…I can’t stand that such an amazing and wonderful thing has been tainted for me. Hopefully I'll be able to reclaim the good feeling next time we perform there.

Thanks for "listening" Bhuzzers. I think I just needed to get that out.

*sigh* There's always one in every bunch.

I don't think you or I, or many of us on this board, will ever be in a place where we can understand firsthand why some people say such ignorant things. Maybe they have their head and their arse confused? Maybe they're insecure about themselves deep down? Maybe they secretly want to be just like you?

People say spiteful things to me for the opposite reason (because I'm so petite and slender). It hurts like hell sometimes. But the reality is that none of us will ever please everyone - whether it's our dancing, our heritage, our look or our "different-ness" that they find offensive.

We don't have the power to change people like that. We do, on the other hand, have the power to make people smile, to make ME audiences feel at home, to brighten somebody's day, to change minds, to empower, to delight, to transport to other worlds. Focus on those who will come along with you for the journey.

And by the way? You're SO not fat. Not remotely. Not at all. The green-eyed monster is an ugly, ugly thing .

I'm so sorry that this woman felt the need to try to tear you down. Please don't let her! You are so beautiful!

I was actually just sitting here feeling a bit sorry for myself after seeing pictures from a show last weekend. I'm one year post baby this month, and my body certainly hasn't bounced back to what it was. But I read your story and got angry at this lady, then looked at your pictures and saw how absolutely lovely you are and just how very wrong she was. You and I have a fairly similar body type, and hearing your story, strangely, helped me snap out of it. You're gorgeous, and no one else's opinion can change that. The same goes for every single one of us.

Unsolicited advice from others usually comes as a result of them trying to control Their world and make it conform to Their perception and Their ideals of what it should be.

By giving you this "advice" she was giving you her own acceptable parameters of how the world should work.

Obsessing over it isn't going to change the fact that you and her see the world much differently.

I know it's still fresh and smarting but just be glad that Your world is so much richer and accepting and joyous than hers.

Thank you for your post, I think it was beautifully written. It goes without saying that that woman was incredibly rude. If I had the power, I'd send her a dream in which she said those things to you again, and when you turned to face her it was not you after all, but her own daughter or mother or someone she could relate to as having a heart and feelings...
The issue of body image has been on my mind lately, to the point that I feel as if a primal scream is building up inside of me. Almost all of us have so-called "imperfect" bodies. Since when did accepting and honoring the body we were born with become almost a non-option?
I'm rooting for you to get back out there with your chin up, and dance with beauty and joy, for every other woman out there that has been in some way told she looks less than perfect, and that it matters. If you're within a half day's drive of me, I'll show up to cheer you on. Maybe I'll even get an "IBTC" T-shirt to wear, or might that be a sign that I'm reaching the age where I get to start becoming the eccentric I've always been? In which case maybe I'll need to rock an "Over the Hill" shirt instead :)
Shine on.


ETA: IBTC=Itty Bitty Titty Committee, for anyone that missed those shirts in the late 70s or so.

Why do we allow people like that to have so much power over us? Don't get me wrong; I understand it (only too well), but I wish I knew the secret to not letting those people rent space in my head. It's really their own insecurities speaking. A secure person wouldn't find it necessary to say things like that to anyone.

Anyway, I think you look fabulous.

There is a saying..."Your opinion about me is none of my business."

Obviously like others have pointed out this woman obvioulsy has some insecurity issues. Just remember that what people say is more about them then it is about you. Heck she doesn't even know you!

Thanks for the story, and I am sorry she ruined your good mood. However, the fact that you came on here and vented will help you feel better along with the fact that you did start focusing on the good things of the day.

We can all learn from your story. If someone approaches me like this in the future then I will try to remember the above quote or to say something to the effect that what issues do they have for them to say such a thing to me and then do as you did and just walk away.

Hope you feel better. Take Care!!

Gah! What a putz! She can take that opinion and stuff it where the sun don't shine. How inexplicably rude! I'm so proud that you've been invited back. Obviously your beauty in form and spirit were appreciated. Don't give her any more of your valuable energy and keep rockin' those sparkly cossies--it's women like you that help keep me inspired to dance!

Originally Posted by NandaDncer

Unsolicited advice from others usually comes as a result of them trying to control Their world and make it conform to Their perception and Their ideals of what it should be.

By giving you this "advice" she was giving you her own acceptable parameters of how the world should work.

Obsessing over it isn't going to change the fact that you and her see the world much differently.

I know it's still fresh and smarting but just be glad that Your world is so much richer and accepting and joyous than hers.

This is such an important perspective to remember when we encounter people who feel the need to tell us How It Is. I am so sorry you had to listen to these comments about your healthy and normal body.

It seems like these things hit us harder coming off a dance high too... I thought I had one of my best performances last night, but two comments about my costuming still have me struggling emotionally- stuff I could normally blow off pretty easily, but after one of our biggest shows of the year, yeah, it hit hard.

& we can never please everyone. last year I was down to 112 and SICK of everyone telling me how unhealthy I looked- even tho I was more energetic and felt better than I ever have in my life- I'm pregnant again now, but just barely plump, not really showing yet & last night's comments were along the lines of how that costume just didn't suit 'my kind of torso.' yeah. just goes to show the public is never really satisfied... I've got my "I'm sorry you feel that way, but I believe in what I'm doing" spiel down pretty pat by now.

You are very kind and gracious...you allowed her to continue to live.

My gawd, some people are just such a$$hats. ,m::

Personally, I'd be wondering what on earth made her say something like this and what her agenda was... it's not "normal" to have that kind of conversation with someone. I'd hazard a guess that she's a deeply unhappy woman with incredibly low self esteem herself, and she just felt she had to pick at you because you were confident and happy and whole.

What a b*tch.

I think you look lovely. I myself am carrying extra weight again, and it's difficult whn you start doubting yourself. Don't let someone's vindictive comments get you down - clearly that's exactly what she wanted. If you see her next time you wander the market, be sure to give her your very best pitying look.

you should go perform at that venue at every opportunity. cruise by her table and blow her a kiss every time. it will drive her nuts *evil grin*

seriously, when people start the "my world looks like this" cr*p, just smile, give them you most saccharine smile and say thank you...and walk away. don't even listen to it. really who cares?

Originally Posted by anala

You are very kind and gracious...you allowed her to continue to live.

I love you.

I'm so happy that you walked away from her while she was talking. She must have a miserable life to be so mean towards other women. I feel sorry and pity that poor ignorant woman.

I don't know how you kept from choking her! Stuff like that sends me into a tizzy!

I agree with what everyone else has said. I looked at your picture and you are GAWJUS! Showed the pic to my hubby as well and said that "oh-so-helpful" vendor was an idiot. He thinks you look great! (though I promise it's not in a skeevy, icky way!)

You see...., when someone expends all that time and energy in being not only rude and condescending but also downright bitchy, then this tells me she has some insecurity and/or jealousy issues herself. You've obviously hit a nerve with her. Just remember that this is her karma. What you give, you receive. Its my bet she's a deeply unhappy person at some level, this kind of bitterness and bitchiness is seldom founded in a secure and contented personality. So spend your 5 mins of negative thinking, then push her and her comments away for good.

Originally Posted by Sariah

I don't know how you kept from choking her! Stuff like that sends me into a tizzy!

I agree with what everyone else has said. I looked at your picture and you are GAWJUS! Showed the pic to my hubby as well and said that "oh-so-helpful" vendor was an idiot. He thinks you look great! (though I promise it's not in a skeevy, icky way!)

In a situation like this, it's better to actually ask them outright why would they want to say something so hurtful.

Originally Posted by NandaDncer

Unsolicited advice from others usually comes as a result of them trying to control Their world and make it conform to Their perception and Their ideals of what it should be.

By giving you this "advice" she was giving you her own acceptable parameters of how the world should work.

Obsessing over it isn't going to change the fact that you and her see the world much differently.

I know it's still fresh and smarting but just be glad that Your world is so much richer and accepting and joyous than hers.

I second NandaDncer! ... and you are no where near fat! You have a great body and you are very pretty. Methinks that lady is living in the wrong century!

Take back your joy and send the woman's negativity to the trash basket immediately.

Congrats to you and your students for such a grand performance that has called for you all to return!

Originally Posted by khalima

Thank you for your post, I think it was beautifully written. It goes without saying that that woman was incredibly rude. If I had the power, I'd send her a dream in which she said those things to you again, and when you turned to face her it was not you after all, but her own daughter or mother or someone she could relate to as having a heart and feelings...

Good idea - as I go to sleep tonight I will visualize that and send it off to her.

And a bloody big YES to wot everyone else says too.

BTW thanks for posting that picture for reference - you look stunning - and looking at how well you're projecting for the camera I would bet my bottom dollar you're a great dancer.

I wonder how many other people she has insulted, and how this limits her personal friendships and business opportunities. If she has children, I bet the poor things don't get invited places by the other Mums.

While you have a thriving business, a studio that was performing outside at an event, some prospective new students, a return invite for the event. A fan club following you around on the day, including the Market Director. This lady just has a lemon to suck on.

Anybody, anybody at ALL who thought they had the right to approach someone they didn't know with comments like that is clearly mental. I mean deranged. We should feel sorry for her.

Originally Posted by Bellydancingcaroline

I wonder how many other people she has insulted, and how this limits her personal friendships and business opportunities..

Me, too. This person truly has a lashing tongue. She sounds like the neighborhood gossip who always wants to offer "advise" to others but never turns the mirror towards her face.

Good for you for walking away!

What a horrible woman to say such mean thngs like that to you. All I can say is...karma to her! Geez! People can be so disrespectful, and so many misunderstand the beauty and empowerment of bellydance. IMO, bellydance makes fro a brighter, funner world! Keep dancing, lady! You look gorgeous!

Wondered when this was going to start happening.

Complete strangers are telling smokers how unhealthy their habit is (as if they are too unintelligent to comprehend side effects.) Strange.

Now strangers are telling others they are fat? What's next?!

What happened to, "Think it, don't say it". Class versus no class. And how the heck does she know what your BMI is, with extraneous reasons?

We should be proud our positive attributes: The beauty of being female, the ability to give birth & bring a new life into the world, & revel in looking fantastic after nine months of change. You look lush and ubber feminine, not fat. Great photo by the way. Like the pose and the photographer's arrangement.

You handled rude with grace & elegance. Class when exposed to no class. I'm proud of you.

Originally Posted by anala

You are very kind and gracious...you allowed her to continue to live.

you are so awesome! Love your comment!