Thread: Chaperon/Escort - A requirements or it depends on the gig?

I want to know what your thoughts are about a chaperon/escort for private gigs.

Yes for every event or it depends?

Until I met my boyfriend, I always gigged solo. Never had a problem with it. My philosophy was that I'd weed out the whackadoos by asking the right questions pre-gig, being aware of my surroundings when I got there, and not lingering too long after my show.

My one regret is that I never got any video footage of my shows, and I very seldomly got performance shots. (Guests and clients always say they'll e-mail them to you, but they rarely do).

Now, I bring my guy along mostly for practical/logistical purposes. I can drop off my props with him when I'm done with my songs and he makes sure no punks in the audience run off with them (LOL!) and he's an awesome pro photographer. Once I start gigging more, I'm gonna have the most kickass gallery of "live" shots! Plus, he is so proud of what I do and loves to watch me dance.

I'd say if you can find a student or a buddy to take along, that's a perk. But if you're applying common sense and proper pre-gig screening techniques before the show, there's no need to miss out on a great performing experience out of fear that something could happen.

If you can't get an escort, make sure to scope out the nearest exits and keep an eye on the people around you as you perform. If somebody tries to heckle or harrass you, ignore it. (Always keep a clause in your contract that you reserve the right to stop mid-set if you feel unsafe, and still get paid in full for your services. And enforce it if, Heaven forbid, you have to use it).

And it's never hard to find a bouncer or a venue employee to walk you to your car if you need it.

i'm with you on that! I feel gigs are a great way for your students to learn "how it is done" too!!

If I am stepping into a strangers house? I want an escort!

Just wondering if others follow that rule...

BTW - I do have in my contract that I can stop anytime or not even perform if I feel I am at danger/unsafe ;-)

I've been lucky enough where most of my private party gigs take place in restaurants and nightclubs. I can't even remember the last show I've done at a private residence!

My old teacher always brought me along to her gigs and this was such a fun learning experience for me. I got to see how she prepped for the gig, interacted with the crowds, and carried herself after the show. Definitely offer your students this opportunity, because there's nothing like learning firsthand.

Next time somebody calls me for a gig at their home, I'm bringing my boyfriend and my sword! LOL.

To prevent balking about an escort, you may also address this as a clause in your contract. But I think it sound better to refer to your escort as an "assistant."

My contract is downloadable if you need to see how I've addressed the topic:

Booking | Carrara Nour

Escorts are great if its a viable option, but if you are doing multiple gigs a night it's not always a plausability.

I take an escort with me if I'm doing a private house party or if I will be in an area of town I'm sketched out by.

I also make sure I have someone I call before and after a gig, if they hear from me before and not after they know somethings up, I usually tell them where I am what time I should be done and any other information that's important.

Tanya brings up a good point about the plausibility of always having an escort. In addition to multiple gigs, there are also times when your friends or family might be out of town and unable to accompany you.

Plus, I don't know about the rest of you, but I always felt rather uncomfortable and invasive asking my non-dancer friends to block off an entire Saturday night to hang out with me on gigs. It's easier when you're a teacher and you have a couple of excited belly babies who want to see what a pro performance really is like. This is a great way to get some gigging assistance and teach a student the ropes at the same time.

While having an escort has its definite perks, I also think it's important that dancers empower themselves with some type of personal safety plan that makes them feel confident enough to go gently into the good night on their own. Can anyone share some good articles on safety tips for dancers?

There are good links here

I like that - Assistant! Sounds so hollywood like "my assistant will handle that". Love it!!!

changing wording...

Oh, I love that. Thanks for the reading material, Tanya!

Ravena - See what a little spin doctoring can do? It transforms "Ughhh she's bringing an escort...is she paranoid or something?" to "Oh la di da! She has an assistant!"

I like to stress that the "assistant" is there to make life easier for them. In other words, they don't have to worry about the logistics - just sitting back and watching the show. Plus, nobody can ever object to professional pictures of their special event. Everybody loves freebies and souvenir photos!

I've never brought an escort to any of my gigs, and the great majority of mine are at private residences. My husband stays home with our daughter when I'm out gigging, and I don't have any students who have indicated an interest in going on gigs with me. I would want to pay anyone who came along, and to be honest I need every dollar of what I bring home from a gig.

However, I don't book past 9pm (which I understand is impossible in some areas, but quite easy here in the boring old Midwest), and most of the parties I do are family get-togethers for birthdays, graduations, etc. So I think it varies a lot depending on the area, the type of gigs you do, and each dancer's personal comfort level.

i started dancing professionally at the tender age of fifteen. in nyc, this meant the first show started at 12 and the night ends at 3;30am. add to that the no car aspect, meaning you grace your bed in the early morning hours. so to safeguard me, my mother used to always go with me on shows. she made sure that nothing happened with unruly customers - my own personal russian bouncer. since i was at that age when i wanted nothing to do with my mother and felt i especially didn't need a chaperon, i hated the fact that i had someone with me at all shows. now that i look back on it, she really saved my butt several times, especially when arabic marriage proposals were introduced into the mix. (it's happened more times than you think). my excuse was that my mother wouldn't let me date and she would totally back me up on that.

nowadays, i feel that coming with an escort is a little too much. assistant always sounds so much better, especially when there are cumbersome props like shamadan involved. the escort is my own personal candle lighter. everyone should have one at home. since most of my work comes through word of mouth and i have many repeat customers, i feel more comfortable than if i were going in cold. if the party is at a private residence i always keep my phone handy with my husband's number almost predialed. i make sure that everything is safe and that there are plenty of women and children and festive party goers. if i'm creeped out, i will either talk to the host or leave. i also make sure to check in with my husband before and after the show. this way at least somebody is in the loop in case....

funnily enough, many of my older customers who know me from the hookah clubs of my earlier days still ask me about my mom every time they see me. so altogether i would have to say that your mom is the best security guy a belly dancer might need.

As a main rule of thumb; take an escort as often as possible whether you feel safe or not. It's also about "modesty" and "professionalism" of the client/audience.

Even I, as a guy, have taken escorts with me to gigs quite often. Sometimes it even makes the clients feel that you're "really just there to dance/do a performance/presentation" - eventhough you have done or said nothing contradictory to it previously...but that assistant/escort that comes with you all of a sudden takes away all the "suspicions" and "doubts" a client may have.

I've actually had clients say that they found it very commendable that I had my [insert title of the day] with me.

Yes, it is about your own safety to you - to the client it can be about professionalism. Great excuse to bring an escort/assistant/manager/protege/apprentice/body guard without feeling weird about it.

Also, it keeps you from ending up in rather "strange" conversations (to put it mildly) with people at the gig AND gives you an excuse to split ASAP you're done with your job.

I've only ever had an escort once or twice, and that was more because I wanted to show my boyfriends what I did at gigs (or more importantly, what I didn't do). I wouldn't go to work to keep my boyfriend/friend/students company, so why should I expect them to come to work with me? I've just never felt comfortable asking. It'd be inconvenient for them.

I just have to trust to my good sense and intuition that I can weed out any dodgy gigs early on, or deal with any situations that arise. Inappropriate behaviour is usually dealt with by clear discussions pre-gig and some crowd control methods during my performance. I can be professional, get myself in, set up and outta there all by myself, thank you.

I don't feel any more likely to be seriously assaulted at a gig than anywhere else I might venture alone. Perhaps I'm a little flippant about my own safety, but the alternative is to live in fear, and not just in relation to bellydancing gigs. Perhaps I'm luck that I've never had a problem, but I haven't personally known of any other bellydancers getting in trouble, either.

That said, I *do* feel most vulnerable walking to my car carrying lots of gear, but I try to park close, walk quickly, and lock the car as soon as I'm in it. The usual precautions.

I'd say pretty much exactly what Tanya and Jewel said. ..g.:
In addition- when taking the booking over the phone- you really are asking all sorts of questions that also ascertain it is a safe gig for you to do. I'd say about 90-95% of my gigs are booked by women. I always find out what the special occasion is etc. A 90th birthday party even if it's in someones home is unlikely to be a problem. A Turkish party on the 4th of July, when she's asking you if you'd like to dance inside or outside, is unlikely to be a problem. It's obvious when people are planning a party. I've never experienced someone trying to trick me into going to a "party" that wasn't truly a party, but I still ask lots of questions just in case. If there is any niggling doubt- tell them you're bringing an assistant. If they have any nefarious intentions they won't be happy with that thought.
When you drive up to the venue or house- it's OBVIOUS there is a party inside. Lots of cars, everything is lit up maybe balloons on the mailbox, if they're crazy rich they might have valet parking. If there isn't evidence of a party- call them and express your concern. If you're not comfortable going in- drive away.
I went with Artemis Mourat to a couple house parties. It was a GREAT learning experience and one that I think is important in the mentor, teacher/student turning pro relationship. I truly got so much out of it. She also teaches weekend long workshops that have ALLLLLL sorts of info (like the above on safety and parties). I highly recommend teaching your baby dancers these things (or sponsoring Artie for a workshop on it!).
I've taken people to maybe a total of 5 gigs. Seriously. One was in a bad neighborhood (brought my husband), three were almost all male parties (explained VERY CLEARLY what belly dance is and IS NOT and they wanted belly dance- they paid extra for my assistant to come), and one was a wedding after I had had a really baaaad day, my husband came along to my gigs that night for moral support.
Oh, wait, my daughter has come with me quite a few times on Saturday nights. But that wasn't for safety reasons, that was "hanging out with Mom" reasons.
.....

...The dancer is the one setting the tone for interaction- both on and off the dance floor. I'd say *most* of the time you are treated professionally because you act professionally- from the very first phone call or email. I'm often invited to stay afterward (for FOOD)...and usually I have someplace to go, so I thank them and explain I have another gig (that is also what Artie taught me to say when I don't have a gig but don't want to stay an extra few minutes). I HAVE stayed long enough for a few pics and to hand out cards. I HAVE stayed long enough for a piece of cake or a couple bites of OMG heavenly smelling food ..l;, I consider it a kind act of hospitality to invite me to stay afterward, not an affront on my professionalism or threat to my safety.
If you're gigging a lot it's just not practical to have your friends or family sacrifice their time too. They have their own jobs. Don't get me wrong, if I could charge more and pay someone to lug my bags around and keep me company I WOULD!

Originally Posted by SamiraShuruk

I HAVE stayed long enough for a few pics and to hand out cards. I HAVE stayed long enough for a piece of cake or a couple bites of OMG heavenly smelling food ..l;, I consider it a kind act of hospitality to invite me to stay afterward, not an affront on my professionalism or threat to my safety.

Good point, Samira. I always debate over how long to linger. In nightclubs and certain scenarios where there might be more drinking involved, I almost always duck out early. Then, as you described, there are irresistable situations where you're invited to stay and eat some delicious food, or when a bunch of younger girls ask you really sweet questions about your costumes or your training. Sometimes, you just don't want to bolt because the people are so nice and it would feel rude. I confess to hanging out for 15 minutes post-show to nosh on a couple bites of Indian food or pose for pictures, as well. Some would probably say that it's decidedly unmysterious to eat in front of guests, I'm sure.

I wonder what the general consensus is on mingling post-gig. Is it case-specific? How long is too long? Are some folks categorically against it? Maybe I should start a spinoff thread?

Originally Posted by SatinWorship19

Good point, Samira. I always debate over how long to linger. In nightclubs and certain scenarios where there might be more drinking involved, I almost always duck out early. Then, as you described, there are irresistable situations where you're invited to stay and eat some delicious food, or when a bunch of younger girls ask you really sweet questions about your costumes or your training. Sometimes, you just don't want to bolt because the people are so nice and it would feel rude. I confess to hanging out for 15 minutes post-show to nosh on a couple bites of Indian food or pose for pictures, as well. Some would probably say that it's decidedly unmysterious to eat in front of guests, I'm sure.

I wonder what the general consensus is on mingling post-gig. Is it case-specific? How long is too long? Are some folks categorically against it? Maybe I should start a spinoff thread?

You gonna spin it off, spin it off. You gonna spin it off, spin it off *dancing around*

Originally Posted by david

You gonna spin it off, spin it off. You gonna spin it off, spin it off *dancing around*

..."you spin me right round baby right round, like a record baby round round round round..."

Oh my goodness, I'm having a hard time sitting still over here, guys!

Oooh! Spin...Spin. (Don't buy a vowel!)

I nearly always have a 'travel buddy' with me for gigs. It's not entirely that I am concerned about someone behaving inappropriately. I drive a standard transmission car and I bring my own sound equipment. I also don't do private gigs super frequently.

I bring some one 'just in case'. Just in case I should twist my ankle and not be able to drive. Just in case I need a hand carrying my stuff. Just in case I need a hand getting out of a sticky situation. I also have them start and stop my music for me :) If it's one of my really good 'assistants' then they also kind of MC for me and help get the crowd amped up. In Colorado, you pretty much only see belly dancers at Middle Eastern restaurants and there aren't many of those. Most folks around here aren't quite clear on what the dancer is there for and what reactions are appropriate. I get a lot of people who are a little uncomfortable at first because they think I might be like a stripper :( Incidentally, my performances are always VERY family friendly so they're usually reassured a few minutes into a set but still. I also like to have my 'assistant/bodyguard/button pusher' carry my business cards. Then when I'm changing costumes between sets, they can do a little PR for me. People always want to ask questions of them so they'd better be prepared! I pay them $20 for the night. It's not much but so far I've had no complaints.

..."you spin me right round baby right round, like a record baby round round round round..."

How odd that should pop up...again...this week.

I think it's wrong to make the assumption of being safe. You are going into a place you've never been before (assuming a private residence and not a restaurant).

Several years ago, a lady who worked at the same office as my mom (real estate) went to show a house and never came back. Her murder still goes unsolved. You never know what you might walk into and that lady walked into a situation that's similar to what many of us might walk into at a private residence.

Maybe I'm being a little paranoid since I used to work full-time in Federal law enforcement, but it taught me many invaluable things. Safety ALWAYS comes first.

Its my job I don't take people with me to work. I don't like asking people to give up an evening to hang around like a spare part or fuss round after me for nothing. I'm sure clients are not going to pay for 2 people. I always get the person who booked me to look after my props-and I do shamadan a lot-It works fine. However I very very rarely do gigs in houses. I just don't like them that much. I much prefer working in a restaurant or function room. People are always very kind about seeing me to my car. If I felt I was going anywhere unsafe I wouldn't take the job.

Originally Posted by alyssaraks

Several years ago, a lady who worked at the same office as my mom (real estate) went to show a house and never came back. Her murder still goes unsolved. You never know what you might walk into and that lady walked into a situation that's similar to what many of us might walk into at a private residence.

I totally agree with "safety first". But I have to say I think what we do is very different from what a real estate agent does.
Did she go with just one or two people? Because we walk into a house that's full of family- including children.
Did she go with a man? Most parties are booked BY WOMEN and it's really obvious it's a party, a family party. We find out what the special occasion is, we find out where they're from, we ask questions about the dance space, privacy and parking. It's SO obvious it's a party, not an ambush.
We've been looking for a house for the last 6 months, so I'm fairly familiar with the process. The real estate agent walked into a seemingly EMPTY house, which NO BELLY DANCER IN HER RIGHT MIND WOULD DO. NEVER!! There would be cars, lights, activity, lots of people, maybe caterers, maybe balloons on the mailbox, kids running around lol.... All sorts of things that someone with nefarious intentions would avoid.
In addition- a dancer often will have a contract or email contract- a written trail. Something leaving evidence- which again- someone with bad intentions would avoid.
Yes, safety first, and yes- if there is even the slightest doubt don't go!!! But, with proper screening and being observant- it's real obvious you are heading into a family party.

Originally Posted by SamiraShuruk

Yes, safety first, and yes- if there is even the slightest doubt don't go!!! But, with proper screening and being observant- it's real obvious you are heading into a family party.

Completely agree with this.

I think this was one of the first lessons my teacher taught me when I accompanied her to a house party as a baby-dancer. Most of us have very stringent procedures for screening and for scoping out the gig once we get there.

There were no red flags about a gig I took last year...a 25th anniversary party, I was booked by the wife's sister, early evening performance on a Sunday night in a banquet room at a nice hotel, there were 100+ people expected, they even reserved one of those bridal changing suites for me for a dressing room.

Beautiful all ages family party, performance went flawlessly...then I was attacked and nearly raped in the bridal suite.

You.Never.Know.

Originally Posted by Kimahri

There were no red flags about a gig I took last year...a 25th anniversary party, I was booked by the wife's sister, early evening performance on a Sunday night in a banquet room at a nice hotel, there were 100+ people expected, they even reserved one of those bridal changing suites for me for a dressing room.

Beautiful all ages family party, performance went flawlessly...then I was attacked and nearly raped in the bridal suite.

You.Never.Know.

OMG! I am so glad you were okay!

Originally Posted by Kimahri

There were no red flags about a gig I took last year...a 25th anniversary party, I was booked by the wife's sister, early evening performance on a Sunday night in a banquet room at a nice hotel, there were 100+ people expected, they even reserved one of those bridal changing suites for me for a dressing room.
Beautiful all ages family party, performance went flawlessly...then I was attacked and nearly raped in the bridal suite.
You.Never.Know.

How terrifying! I'm so sorry and am so glad you are ok. Did you file charges?
Yes, it's true, you never know. As the physically weaker sex- we can be attacked anywhere- no matter how cautious.
It can happen day or night. It can happen on the road, in a public building or in our own home.
It's up to each of us as individuals to find our own comfort zone balance - maintaining safety vs living our lives without the benefit of permanent full time body guards.
Again, I'm glad you are ok.