Thread: WBBD? Help me be diplomatic with an all-male gig refusal

I've been giging for about 4 years now, and I've always had the policy in place that I don't perform for all-male parties. I think it's fine if other dancers do it, I've just chosen not to because a) I don't bring a chaperone to gigs, b) it was one of the safety measures hubby and I agreed on when I started doing private parties, and c) even if the guests were perfectly behaved, I I'm not personally comfortable with the idea of dancing for a bunch of guys having a men's night out. I have this policy stated clearly on my website and on my voicemail. I've occasionally had an all-male request despite this, but as soon as I inform them of the policy, they toodle off without complaint.

I now have an e-mail inquiry for an all-male party, and it looks to me as if the person is maybe a little offended by my initial response. I'm looking for help in responding back to him in a non-snarky way, as I'm a little ticked and that's all that's coming to my mind at the present. Here's the emails so far:

I would like to hire your company for a BellyGram. I'd like to give one to my friend. The location is at XXXXXXXX. Around 8pm, we are in the downstairs bar room playing cards. There will be only about 15 people at in that room. There is a lady's room just off the lower bar room where the dancer can change. Does your dancer bring her own music? Thank you.

I respond (because the get together he described screams ALL GUYS to me):

I do indeed bring my own music (and boom box if needed). I would come already in costume, so there would be no need for me to change - I just need a secure place to leave my bag while the performance is taking place.

Will there any women guests at your get together? If not, I will have to decline the gig - I don't perform for all-male audiences. If this is a mixed crowd, and you are interested in booking me, let me know what date you have in mind and I can check my availability.

Happy shimmies!

-Galatea

His response:

We have a WOMAN (caps and bold his) bartender on duty and you can expect the members will be quite respective, as this is a golf club. Thanks.

I'm trying to come up with a polite way of saying that even though I'm sure he and his buddies will be well-behaved (which I'm actually NOT), no all-male audiences means no dancing by me for you and a group of your buddies. From my perspective, having a female staff member around does not constitute a mixed crowd - she's not a guest, she just happens to be working there.

I'm perturbed because I've never had anyone try to split hairs or argue the point with me before. I say no all-male audiences and they usually say they totally understand and are quite pleasant about it. This guy also must have been to my website, since he used the term BellyGram, where the policy is very clearly stated. So even though I know the right thing to do is respond politely as possible, my hackles are up and I'm having a hard time coming up with the right words.

Suggestions and advice would be greatly appreciated.

Stick to your policy. It sounds like he is trying to dumb you down. I would just say something like, "Thank you anyway, but this is not my policy. If I do it for one all male party, as respectable as you are, however, I would have to do it for others." I know you can fill in the rest.

Just say no. Tell him it's your choice as a business to accept and refuse offers by your standards and you clearly state no "all male parties."

I'm wondering why he is pushing so hard.

"I'm sorry, Laura does not perform at all male parties. Thank you for your inquiry."

Don't make excuses or try to explain. That will just give him the opportunity to argue. Just reiterate your policy.

I would decline the gig, no explanation given: "Thank you for your interest, but I am unavailable for this event."

I think we often feel the need to explain ourselves when we say no, but that gives people wiggle room or makes it seem like we have to justify our response.

As soon as you start explaining they can look for ways to argue. I've found in my personal and professional lives lately, simply politely declining without explanation shuts people up.

I wouldn't worry about his danty little feelings overly much.

I might say something like "Of course I didn't mean to imply that the audience wouldn't be respectful. But i have a very strict policy against all-male parties and don't make exceptions. Good luck to you!"

Of course, the temptation to educate is overwhelming, but giving reasons would only invite argument, IMO. Policy is policy, all he needs to know is NO.

Originally Posted by Lauren_

I might say something like "Of course I didn't mean to imply that the audience wouldn't be respectful. But i have a very strict policy against all-male parties and don't make exceptions. Good luck to you!"

That sounds perfect to me.

If there another dancer you respect who does take all-male gigs, referring her might reinforce the "it's not you, it really is just my policy". But if not, I wouldn't worry about it.

2 conflicting thoughts --

1) Imagine trying to hire a magician and being told he doesn't perform for all-female gatherings. Wouldn't you feel confused, insulted, and compelled to have some kind of conversation about that? I can understand how he might feel, seriously, especially if it's the kind of group who really wouldn't dream of misbehaving in any way.

2) OTOH, most people hire a bellygram looking for 'stripper-lite' and hoping for a mildly naughty laugh-filled experience, not an artistic performance. I know from past convos that you and I share the same POV on this (awareness, balance their expectations with what you're willing to perform, hope they have a great time AND a new respect when we leave).

Originally Posted by catwomyn

"I'm sorry, Laura does not perform at all male parties. Thank you for your inquiry."

Don't make excuses or try to explain. That will just give him the opportunity to argue. Just reiterate your policy.

I like this answer. It makes it sound like you represent the dancer, it is a strict policy and the oppotunity will not be discussed. This way he can't feel like he if can convince you the game is won. Not so if there are multiple folks in your "dance company".

It's like when I politely tell telemarketers that I cannot give this year but please keep me on your list for next year... if they politely thank me and move on great... if they refuse my no then it's never call me again.
No means no.

I would probably just say something like:

"Thank you for your clarification. While I am sure that your guests and event would be completely respectful, I must maintain the same policy for all performances. I would be happy to recommend *dancerX* or *dancedirectoryY* who may be able to help you find a dancer who would be available for your event. I hope that you have a successful event and enjoy the celebration."

and then just leave it at that. If he is offended by the policy, then that is on him.

Originally Posted by Lauren_

2 conflicting thoughts --

1) Imagine trying to hire a magician and being told he doesn't perform for all-female gatherings. Wouldn't you feel confused, insulted, and compelled to have some kind of conversation about that? I can understand how he might feel, seriously, especially if it's the kind of group who really wouldn't dream of misbehaving in any way.

2) OTOH, most people hire a bellygram looking for 'stripper-lite' and hoping for a mildly naughty laugh-filled experience, not an artistic performance. I know from past convos that you and I share the same POV on this (awareness, balance their expectations with what you're willing to perform, hope they have a great time AND a new respect when we leave).

I think what's really turning me off about this guy, and thus instigating the snarkiness, is that he seems to want to argue with me about the policy. I've never had anyone respond that way before. Everyone else I've had to say no to has been so understanding, so that tells me that your average person does get that there's a difference in appropriate venues when it comes to a Belly Dancer.

I might be confused if someone didn't want to perform for a group of me and my female friends, but I doubt I'd get to worked up about it, or try to insist that their policy doesn't apply to me.

It does bring the question up though - are there other female performing artists out there who wouldn't feel comfortable with this gig? I know if I was a clown or magician, I still would not be entirely comfortable going on my own to a gig where the audience was comprised of all men. I know it probably reveals an unflattering view of men in groups that I hold, but for me personally it would feel risky.

Originally Posted by laura 2

I think what's really turning me off about this guy, and thus instigating the snarkiness, is that he seems to want to argue with me about the policy. I've never had anyone respond that way before. Everyone else I've had to say no to has been so understanding, so that tells me that your average person does get that there's a difference in appropriate venues when it comes to a Belly Dancer.

I might be confused if someone didn't want to perform for a group of me and my female friends, but I doubt I'd get to worked up about it, or try to insist that their policy doesn't apply to me.

It does bring the question up though - are there other female performing artists out there who wouldn't feel comfortable with this gig? I know if I was a clown or magician, I still would not be entirely comfortable going on my own to a gig where the audience was comprised of all men. I know it probably reveals an unflattering view of men in groups that I hold, but for me personally it would feel risky.

No, I would not. To me, he is more or less insinuating that the rules should not apply to him. Most people would understand your reasons why and let it go at that.

Maybe he should get that magician.

I also wonder if maybe he's contacted a few dancers and is frustrated because none of them will do it. There aren't many pro dancers in the area, and the ones there are all have the same policy to my knowledge.

Actually, I do know of someone who would probably do it, but it's not someone I feel comfortable being professionally associated with, even for a referral.

At any rate his misuse of the word 'respective' decided the whole thing for me. FAIL. No shimmies or candy for you.

Originally Posted by Lauren_

At any rate his misuse of the word 'respective' decided the whole thing for me. FAIL. No shimmies or candy for you.

..l;, I am instating a grammar policy in my contracts.

Originally Posted by Lauren_

At any rate his misuse of the word 'respective' decided the whole thing for me. FAIL. No shimmies or candy for you.

..l;,..l;,..l;,..l;,..l;,..l;,

I do not like the pushiness. The "tone" of his reply is off for me and that would nail the coffin shut, as far as I'm concerned.

I understand that he might feel offended for the reasonable reasons Lauren outlined above, but to me this has the feel of the guy who's pushy about asking women out and then, when we won't go out with him, complains that we're all stuck-up bitches. You know: "Who does she think she is, turning me down?" I know it's a lot of attitude to read into a little e-mail, and it would probably work out fine, but I like my peaceful life and wouldn't take the risk of a hassle. If you'd rather not do it, just say "no, thanks" and move on. Don't get drawn into a back-and-forth. Snark here instead if you feel the need -- that's what we're for!

Laura, you are the talent - you needn't give any justification for your requirements as an artist. I would go with catwomyn's reply.

Originally Posted by Zana

I understand that he might feel offended for the reasonable reasons Lauren outlined above, but to me this has the feel of the guy who's pushy about asking women out and then, when we won't go out with him, complains that we're all stuck-up bitches. You know: "Who does she think she is, turning me down?" I know it's a lot of attitude to read into a little e-mail, and it would probably work out fine, but I like my peaceful life and wouldn't take the risk of a hassle. If you'd rather not do it, just say "no, thanks" and move on. Don't get drawn into a back-and-forth. Snark here instead if you feel the need -- that's what we're for!

I believe you have hit the nail on the head, Zana. Candy and shimmies for you!! (Sorry Lauren, that line was too good not to "steal"!)

Thank you guys SO much for all your support and suggestions! I've decided to respond with the following:

I didn't mean to imply that the audience wouldn't be respectful, and I apologize if I gave that impression. I was simply stating the strict policy I have regarding not performing at events with all male guests. This policy is included on the Booking page of my website, and I don't make exceptions to it.

Hopefully, you will be able to find a different performer who is able to accommodate your request.

-Galatea

At this point, I feel like I want to be exceedingly polite so that if he continues to try and pursue this, I will know for sure that it's not just a case of crossed signals due to email.

Sounds just right to me, Laura.

Originally Posted by laura 2

It does bring the question up though - are there other female performing artists out there who wouldn't feel comfortable with this gig? I know if I was a clown or magician, I still would not be entirely comfortable going on my own to a gig where the audience was comprised of all men. I know it probably reveals an unflattering view of men in groups that I hold, but for me personally it would feel risky.

I wouldn't do it, I don't do men's only parties. Nor do I perform at parties that aren't explicitly all men but will be attended only by men. I also don't perform in certain neighborhoods after a set hour. I don't take gigs that seem sketchy, and I don't do club gigs where the population of the attendees of the club are indulging in things I don't like or do.

My dancing may not be my only busines, but it's a business and I treat my business with respect. My day job follows guidlines and rules why not my side job.?

I think putting a response combining both LeylaFahana's & Lauren's suggestions below would be just the ticket(!):

Originally Posted by LeylaFahada_;

I would decline the gig, no explanation given: "Thank you for your interest, but I am unavailable for this event."

I think we often feel the need to explain ourselves when we say no, but that gives people wiggle room or makes it seem like we have to justify our response.

As soon as you start explaining they can look for ways to argue. I've found in my personal and professional lives lately, simply politely declining without explanation shuts people up.
__________________

Originally Posted by Lauren_

I wouldn't worry about his danty little feelings overly much.

I might say something like "Of course I didn't mean to imply that the audience wouldn't be respectful. But i have a very strict policy against all-male parties and don't make exceptions. Good luck to you!"

Of course, the temptation to educate is overwhelming, but giving reasons would only invite argument, IMO. Policy is policy, all he needs to know is NO.

Originally Posted by laura 2

Thank you guys SO much for all your support and suggestions! I've decided to respond with the following:

I didn't mean to imply that the audience wouldn't be respectful, and I apologize if I gave that impression. I was simply stating the strict policy I have regarding not performing at events with all male guests. This policy is included on the Booking page of my website, and I don't make exceptions to it.

Hopefully, you will be able to find a different performer who is able to accommodate your request.

-Galatea

At this point, I feel like I want to be exceedingly polite so that if he continues to try and pursue this, I will know for sure that it's not just a case of crossed signals due to email.

Oh, this seems *perfect* to me. Great job.

Originally Posted by Lauren_

At any rate his misuse of the word 'respective' decided the whole thing for me. FAIL. No shimmies or candy for you.

Fail! Agreed.
In fact, write him back and tell him, "alls 'm sayin' is......"..l;,

Seriously, I like Catwoman's response. No explanation necessary.
Get out of my house. No gig for you.

Originally Posted by Lauren_

Oh, this seems *perfect* to me. Great job.

Especially when I took off the part that said, "There's not enough money on the planet for me to play dancing girl for you and your cronies." ..l;,

Originally Posted by laura 2

Thank you guys SO much for all your support and suggestions! I've decided to respond with the following:

I didn't mean to imply that the audience wouldn't be respectful, and I apologize if I gave that impression. I was simply stating the strict policy I have regarding not performing at events with all male guests. This policy is included on the Booking page of my website, and I don't make exceptions to it.

Hopefully, you will be able to find a different performer who is able to accommodate your request.

-Galatea

At this point, I feel like I want to be exceedingly polite so that if he continues to try and pursue this, I will know for sure that it's not just a case of crossed signals due to email.

OK, and I like this too.

Good advice, all!

Sounds good too me!

:-)