Thread: A polite way to manage friendship on Facebook?

At this very moment I have a couple of friend requests awaiting reply from me as I try to resolve this dilemma.

I have a fan page on Facebook for people who are interested in my performances or classes, so when it comes to my personal profile I have a general policy of only accepting friend requests from people I've met in person. I have no qualms about dismissing friend requests that are clearly random (from individuals who live in countries I've never visited, for instance), but the problem arises when I get requests from strangers who are local to me. As the gym where I teach lists my full name, there's a possibility that they may be interested in my classes.

WWBD? What's the most polite way to say "I'm sorry, I don't recognize your name, but, if you've contacted me because you're interested in dance, I have a Facebook page set up for that purpose that you may want to join." Is a response like that sufficiently polite? It's hard to know, since there's always the possibility that I may have met someone very briefly and simply not remember them.

I wish that more people would include a succinct introductory message when they send friend requests!

You can always ask in a polite and friendly way if you've met that person somwhere. If it's somebody local that I don't know, I usually say something along the lines of "Hey, you look so familiar. Where did we meet?"

I had commented on a post to my teacher's facebook page and I told the woman who I was so that she didn't think I was some kind of whacko. I commented on her photo ( a dog and I'm a big dog person ) and introduced myself as a student of said teacher. It seemed more appropriate than just butting into a conversation like that.

Originally Posted by Ainsley

At this very moment I have a couple of friend requests awaiting reply from me as I try to resolve this dilemma.

I have a fan page on Facebook for people who are interested in my performances or classes, so when it comes to my personal profile I have a general policy of only accepting friend requests from people I've met in person. I have no qualms about dismissing friend requests that are clearly random (from individuals who live in countries I've never visited, for instance), but the problem arises when I get requests from strangers who are local to me. As the gym where I teach lists my full name, there's a possibility that they may be interested in my classes.

WWBD? What's the most polite way to say "I'm sorry, I don't recognize your name, but, if you've contacted me because you're interested in dance, I have a Facebook page set up for that purpose that you may want to join." Is a response like that sufficiently polite? It's hard to know, since there's always the possibility that I may have met someone very briefly and simply not remember them.

I wish that more people would include a succinct introductory message when they send friend requests!

I personally would have no problem saying that I only "friend" people whom I recognize, and ask whether I've met them before. You can also point people to your FB fan page, MySpace, regular website, whatever - and then follow up that you look forward to meeting them in person sometime.

But as a hobbyist, I'm not into marketing myself. I think most people realize that even teachers have personal lives, and would not be offended if you make a polite response back.

I also have heard that you should just not even bother to respond, that many people will not notice whether you added them back or not. YMMV.

I've tried the "Thank you, I keep my personal FB page for my real life friends, if you're interested in my dancing here is my Fanpage" approach.

The first time I tried it I got a tirade of abuse from someone I don't know at all. The second time, I got a polite "thanks but no thanks"

I don't know what else I can do!

I ignore unless I really know the person. They can find my fan page or visit my website if they really want info on my performances etc...
My facebook is purely personal and I prefer to keep it that way.

Seriously, why feel the need to respond at all. If you don't know them, just click ignore. They'll find your fan page if they are really that interested. Besides, if you send them mail, I *think* it allows them some access to your page that would otherwise only be viewable by friends. (I sort of remember seeing that on FB when I had an unwanted friend request. I may be wrong.)

If you get a lot you may want to make a list for them (you can sort your "friends" into lists & set your privacy preferences differently for each list).
Usually I don't 'friend' strangers (or people I don't think I know) unless they include some kind of personal message, same on Tribe. I don't feel like being "collected" in some kind of "counting friends" contest, know what I mean?

And then you can always send them the link to your Fan page - tho honestly that still strikes me as odd, like "here, be my fan" ..l;,

um, that's not to say I don't do that myself!!

I would not be too worried about some people considering it rude if you don't want to friend strangers. It is probably good to keep distance to people who get upset that one does not want to share personal information with.

In responding to the initial request, I would simply point to the professional profile/fan page, and not even apologize for not adding that person as a friend.

As a general comment, I am not too keen on the use of "friend" in social networking. I'd prefer more technology-oriented terminology, like liked or connected that makes people think a bit more about the semantics of these networks.

I have different friend lists and if someone requests me who I don't know I put them with acquaintances. I often invite everyone to join my fan page. But eventually I want to get rid of acquaintances and have just people I actually know on my personal page.

Really, if someone gets mad at you for politely stating that your page is only for people you know and then pointing them to your fan page, they're the rude ones.

Originally Posted by steffib

I would not be too worried about some people considering it rude if you don't want to friend strangers. It is probably good to keep distance to people who get upset that one does not want to share personal information with.

...

As a general comment, I am not too keen on the use of "friend" in social networking. I'd prefer more technology-oriented terminology, like liked or connected that makes people think a bit more about the semantics of these networks.

Likewise. I hate the whole implication that just because I'm on a board, I have to formalize my relations with others, and split them into categories of "friend" and "not friend". I actually have made a point of not "friending" anyone here (or on some other boards) because I didn't want to worry about other people's feelings.

Originally Posted by steffib

In responding to the initial request, I would simply point to the professional profile/fan page, and not even apologize for not adding that person as a friend.

That is probably the best advice you can get. Don't deny the friend request, just keep it in case you get to know them later and want to add them.

Honestly, I think more than a few requests to be friends on Facebook originate in a desire to make your friend list their friend list. It's like giving away your mailing list! When I find my oldest daughter (in NYC, 900 miles away) listed as a friend to some 'professional' who is strictly local to me, I have a pretty good idea why the professional someone wanted to be my 'friend.'

Definitely tacky. Though I have to admit that I have used some of my friends' "friend list" to find people I know but have lost contact with over the years. I believe that to be quite a different and more acceptable use of utilizing someone else's friend list.

Originally Posted by maurazebra

Honestly, I think more than a few requests to be friends on Facebook originate in a desire to make your friend list their friend list. It's like giving away your mailing list! When I find my oldest daughter (in NYC, 900 miles away) listed as a friend to some 'professional' who is strictly local to me, I have a pretty good idea why the professional someone wanted to be my 'friend.'

You could send a message to them stating your sorry but you don't recognize them. How did they hear about you? Why are they seeking to "friend" you? Myself and many famous middle eastern dancers (Blanca, Neon, Sharon Kihara, etc) are very nice about accepting friendship on facebook. I met many interesting/colorful people from all over the world. Now if a unknown guy wishest to friend me, I check to see if we have decent amount mutual friends or anything else in common. If not, I will send something like above message. If they don't reply or have a good reason, I don't. I am personally put off by middle easter dancers who just accept people through fan pages, particularly middle eastern dancers that I have never heard of or really aren't that big. That dancer comes off unapproachable, snubby and full of themselves. Could miss great opportunities to expand your horizons making interesting friends and also great marketing. ..g.:

Originally Posted by dreamkitaro

I am personally put off by middle easter dancers who just accept people through fan pages, particularly middle eastern dancers that I have never heard of or really aren't that big. That dancer comes off unapproachable, snubby and full of themselves. Could miss great opportunities to expand your horizons making interesting friends and also great marketing. ..g.:

Yes. I'm the queen of shameless self-promotion and tooting my own horn, and even I'm put off by the whole idea of using a Fan page. Maybe if I were targeting the national workshop circuit, I'd consider. But it would just feel very awkward, at my highly localized level of fame and fortune. Bear in mind, these are my own personal feelings, not what I think of other dancers who utilize fan pages! I wish there was something in between a Friends page and a Fan page ,r:;

And I agree - many of my most interesting BD friends are random people from Facebook that I don't know in person or even on Bhuz. That being said, I think it's way too easy to omit the "social" from social media....but that's a whole 'nother rant.

Originally Posted by SatinWorship19

I wish there was something in between a Friends page and a Fan page ,r:;

That would be a Group.

same here,
i get about 10 requests a day and just quickly run through them. dancers i click yes, people that are friends with my students i click yes, anyone random (mostly young arab males, music bands i dont know etc etc) i click no. i dont answer.

i should create a seperate "personal" fb page to interract with my real friends and family, but at the moment i cant be bothered

Originally Posted by aazura

Seriously, why feel the need to respond at all. If you don't know them, just click ignore. They'll find your fan page if they are really that interested. Besides, if you send them mail, I *think* it allows them some access to your page that would otherwise only be viewable by friends. (I sort of remember seeing that on FB when I had an unwanted friend request. I may be wrong.)

Originally Posted by Azhia

That would be a Group.

Wow, I can't believe I've been on FB nearly a year and never figured that one out ..l;,

yes, thr groups are quite usefull. i have a fanpage for myself, and group page for the dance school/company. very usefull for advertising upcoming workshops/events too, to my students, as i can just send all the group members an update

Thanks everyone for the input! I've been busy with the holidays and travel, so I apologize for not having checked back in earlier.

Originally Posted by SatinWorship19

If it's somebody local that I don't know, I usually say something along the lines of "Hey, you look so familiar. Where did we meet?"

I hate to be untruthful in that way, since there are a fair number of people who really don't use Facebook for RL personal connections. I can just imagine sending a message like that and getting "What are you talking about? We've never met." as a response, which would really just add to the awkwardness.

Originally Posted by anthea

If you get a lot you may want to make a list for them (you can sort your "friends" into lists & set your privacy preferences differently for each list).

I've considered it, but I would really prefer to interact with people who are exclusively interested in my dancing (and whom I haven't met in person, so students, for instance, are a different matter) under my dance name, rather than my real name, and save my personal profile for people I actually know.

Originally Posted by anthea

And then you can always send them the link to your Fan page - tho honestly that still strikes me as odd, like "here, be my fan" ..l;,

Yes, especially since there's no way I can be sure that my dancing is why they even sent me a request in the first place!

Originally Posted by steffib

As a general comment, I am not too keen on the use of "friend" in social networking. I'd prefer more technology-oriented terminology, like liked or connected that makes people think a bit more about the semantics of these networks.

I agree with you by and large, but I tend to exempt Facebook as it was originally intended as a way for real-life friends (or at least acquaintances) to keep in touch with one another, although some people now use it in other ways.

Originally Posted by coffeegoddess

Really, if someone gets mad at you for politely stating that your page is only for people you know and then pointing them to your fan page, they're the rude ones.

The breach of etiquette is certainly with the person who sends a request to someone they don't know well without identifying themselves.

Originally Posted by dreamkitaro

I am personally put off by middle easter dancers who just accept people through fan pages, particularly middle eastern dancers that I have never heard of or really aren't that big. That dancer comes off unapproachable, snubby and full of themselves.

I agree that the language is not appealing. I would really prefer if it were just called a "page" and people were invited to "join" rather than "become a fan," etc. It's the Facebook function that best suits my purposes, however, since it isn't affiliated with my personal profile. I've been on Facebook for a fair while, since it was restricted to university students, and as a result some of the newer ways of using Facebook, such as opening a personal profile under a pseudonym rather than one's own name, aren't my personal preference. I completely understand why doing that would be functional for dancers, but it just doesn't fit in with the way I'm accustomed to using the site.

Overall, I think I've come down on the side of ignoring friend requests from strangers and assuming that they will send me a message or look for my dance page if that's their interest. I think it would be presuming a lot to send a link to my page in response to a random friend request, and a little strange given that my profile's under my real name and the sender might not even know I dance.

Originally Posted by dreamkitaro

You could send a message to them stating your sorry but you don't recognize them. How did they hear about you? Why are they seeking to "friend" you? Myself and many famous middle eastern dancers (Blanca, Neon, Sharon Kihara, etc) are very nice about accepting friendship on facebook. I met many interesting/colorful people from all over the world. Now if a unknown guy wishest to friend me, I check to see if we have decent amount mutual friends or anything else in common. If not, I will send something like above message. If they don't reply or have a good reason, I don't. I am personally put off by middle easter dancers who just accept people through fan pages, particularly middle eastern dancers that I have never heard of or really aren't that big. That dancer comes off unapproachable, snubby and full of themselves. Could miss great opportunities to expand your horizons making interesting friends and also great marketing. ..g.:

Blanca, Neon and Sharon Kihara are more cultivated personalities then people as far as I'm concerned. Neon is operating under a pseudonym as is Blanca. If I wanted to make a profile with a fake name I couldn't as I operate my dance business under my real name. I have a fan page, (it's very tounge in cheek) and I have a good amount of fans. I don't think I come across as snubby nor do I feel like I'm missing out by not accepting the random men who post to my profile about how beautiful I am and how they want to take me to their country for marriage. My FB profile is simple me, it was who I was when I opened it (back before anyone could join) and it's me now. I don't see why people who want to know me in a dancers capacity would give two sh!ts about what I had for breakfast or how the guy on the train annoys me.

Originally Posted by dreamkitaro

Myself and many famous middle eastern dancers (Blanca, Neon, Sharon Kihara, etc) are very nice about accepting friendship on facebook. I met many interesting/colorful people from all over the world. Now if a unknown guy wishest to friend me, I check to see if we have decent amount mutual friends or anything else in common. If not, I will send something like above message. If they don't reply or have a good reason, I don't. I am personally put off by middle easter dancers who just accept people through fan pages, particularly middle eastern dancers that I have never heard of or really aren't that big. That dancer comes off unapproachable, snubby and full of themselves. Could miss great opportunities to expand your horizons making interesting friends and also great marketing. ..g.:

Wow, I'm unapproachable, snubby, and full of myself and I'm not even a pro!..l;,

A guy on MySpace requested my friendship and I accepted. It seemed like a networking thing. Then on Facebook I requested his. He sent me a message telling me his personal page was for personal friends and family only, then told me about his fan page. I was offended by it, and I appreciated his honesty, since many of us are on Facebook for the same reasons. I appreciated his straightforward honesty and his alternate offer of friendship.

Originally Posted by dreamkitaro

I am personally put off by middle easter dancers who just accept people through fan pages, particularly middle eastern dancers that I have never heard of or really aren't that big. That dancer comes off unapproachable, snubby and full of themselves. Could miss great opportunities to expand your horizons making interesting friends and also great marketing. ..g.:

I'm not sure if I'm misunderstanding you, or if you meant to say "who just don't accept people...", but as written, this comes off a little oddly...

I don't quite get how having a fan page can do all those things (snobbiness, being unapproachable), particularly since fans are not approved/ignored like friends; they are added automatically when an individual presses "become a fan" on a page. They can only be removed after they have already "fanned" a page.

Also, could it be possible that a dancer has a strong local or internet following? You can't know everyone in any given field, and it can't be dictated that they shouldn't have a page/fans if you're not aware of them. Fan bases are very different and wide-ranging, as small as the local cover band at the pub and as big as a singer like Mariah Carey---the fan pages are both a good way to connect to and build a fan base in a professional way (keeping out your personal details), regardless of your size or relative renown. At this point in time, not having a FB page, webpage, or business email is often regarded as a sign to some that someone (in many diff. fields) is not professional or serious about their work

PS. Technically you are not allowed to create a FB profile (personal page) under a pseudonym under their terms of use--they are frequently deleted, leaving the fan page or group as the only option

I accept all friend requests to my dance FB account as I see it no differently than my website....and only people I really know, or went to school with on my "real self" FB account. I have no problem ignoring requests from strangers on my personal account. Who cares what people think? I sure as heck don't. If I don't know them well enough to approve them than I certainly don't care that it might hurt their feelings. Maybe I am just a *itch....lol