Thread: "Did you learn bellydance to dance for your man?"

I am so sick of that question. Every time I get asked it or variations of it I want to punch the person. I have to take a deep breathe and really think about the person asking the question. Are they serious? Are they an idiot? Are they a caveman? Are they just absolutely clueless? Most people who ask this question will not sit through a long drawn out explanation/lecture of what bellydance/MED really is and where it comes from, etc.... So, how do you answer this question?

My (actually quite truthful) answer is . . . "My man would rather get a pointed stick in the eye than watch belly dancing." It shuts 'em right up.

In any case, I recommend a quick and pithy response to this one rather than bothering with an educational explanation. Asking about whether ANYTHING you've done was for the purpose of providing a sexual turn-on for your partner is really not very polite, now, is it?
Rosette

My answer: "No."

And then I move on - geographically, conversationally, whatever it takes. It's just not worth my time entertaining lame questions like that with anything more than a one-word response. If that...if I were asked that question when I'm in the mood I'm in now, I'd probably just turn around and walk away. Where's my coffee??!?!?!

First time I came back from Egypt in 2004, an acquaintance of my hubby was home with is spouse and other (real!) friends.

I was showing the news costumes and stuffs I purchased to the ladies, who were admiring the beadworks, etc. The dude give it a short look and said with a wink: "Oh you got this to do a private show to your man?"

Me: "No, I got this custom made to do professionnal dance performances in front of a GP public!,m:: Would you ask me the same, if it was a flamenco dress? ,f::

He: "Uh, no, but B dancers show their stomach and belly button!"

Me: "So does your teenaged daugther at the mall"!

My man told me that I had a glowing smile on my face for the rest of the evening.

(We don't see them anymore BTW)

Qamar

Some of the things heard at my house...

Can we have dinner at the table tonight after you clear off the fabric?

Ow..I stepped on a needle, again.

Why is there glitter in the bed?

Ok, I wont muss the make up.

Oh, come on, you can put the costume back on afterward!

Really? I gotta take all this stuff to the post office?

Originally Posted by Qamar60

First time I came back from Egypt in 2004, an acquaintance of my hubby was home with is spouse and other (real!) friends.

I was showing the news costumes and stuffs I purchased to the ladies, who were admiring the beadworks, etc. The dude give it a short look and said with a wink: "Oh you got this to do a private show to your man?"

Me: "No, I got this custom made to do professionnal dance performances in front of a GP public!,m:: Would you ask me the same, if it was a flamenco dress? ,f::

He: "Uh, no, but B dancers show their stomach and belly button!"

Me: "So does your teenaged daugther at the mall"!

My man told me that I had a glowing smile on my face for the rest of the evening.

(We don't see them anymore BTW)

Qamar

LOL, good response.

Originally Posted by anala

Some of the things heard at my house...

Can we have dinner at the table tonight after you clear off the fabric?

Ow..I stepped on a needle, again.

Why is there glitter in the bed?

Ok, I wont muss the make up.

Oh, come on, you can put the costume back on afterward!

Really? I gotta take all this stuff to the post office?

LOVE them all but this is my fav.

"How do you not feel stupid asking a question like that?"

Originally Posted by LeylaFahada

"How do you not feel stupid asking a question like that?"

I know, but some people actually think this is true. Sad, I know. I recently met someone and he asked what I do and when I said I'm a bellydancer. I teach and perform. He said oh yeah, do women do that so they can dance for their men? I rolled my eyes and took a deep breathe and said NO. I'm not a stripper or exotic dancer. It's a fun, ancient dance form from the Middle East and it's good exercise. I could tell he was a little embarrassed for asking that.

Sigh, I just wish one day I could say that I'm a bellydancer without having to follow it up with an explanation, like I have to defend it.

Honestly, I wouldn't think less of somebody who initially learned to belly dance for their husband or SO. As long as they eventually came to the revelation that there's more to BD than seduction, of course! It's an annoying question, but many people can't wrap their heads around what would compel an average person to take up such an interesting pastime. So they like to ask.

Slight tangent, but I'm not afraid to tell people that I picked up BD as a stressed-out college student who was impressed by Shakira. Sometimes, people expect some long, romantic story about how we got into BD, when there's often a more simple explanation.

Back to the topic at hand, though, people often like to say "Your boyfriend's a lucky man - wink wink, nudge nudge." It's great to see the looks on their faces when he describes the life of a dance widow and gig b*tch

I love the "poke in the eye" come back.

Originally Posted by SatinWorship19

Honestly, I wouldn't think less of somebody who initially learned to belly dance for their husband or SO. As long as they eventually came to the revelation that there's more to BD than seduction, of course!

Good to know, since I *did* start bellydancing at the suggestion of a boyfriend. Mind you, it was never for reasons of seduction. He had friends who were bellydancers, he knew I thought it was cool, and he suggested I start learning because I thought I'd be good at it.

Of course, that was 17 years ago. I don't have him anymore, but I do still have the dance.. and a hubby who's totally over it.

Now, If I were asked this question by a total stranger, I wouldn't give him the satisfaction by answering honestly.... I usually just tell them I've been in love with ME culture since I was a kid living in Turkey... which is also true.

. . .

Originally Posted by anala

Some of the things heard at my house...

Can we have dinner at the table tonight after you clear off the fabric?

Ow..I stepped on a needle, again.

Why is there glitter in the bed?

Ok, I wont muss the make up.

Oh, come on, you can put the costume back on afterward!

Really? I gotta take all this stuff to the post office?

My favorite -- and actual quote:

"How did you manage to get sequins in the microwave?"

Second place:

"Why are there sequins in my underwear?"
(Answer: Gravity. I hung up a costume right over the laundry bin and heat vent.)

Surida: The visual I got from that comment is very disturbing.....l;,..l;,

Surida, why did you delete your comment? I didn't see it and now Zorba has me wondering...g.:

Originally Posted by mihri

Good to know, since I *did* start bellydancing at the suggestion of a boyfriend. Mind you, it was never for reasons of seduction. He had friends who were bellydancers, he knew I thought it was cool, and he suggested I start learning because I thought I'd be good at it.

Of course, that was 17 years ago. I don't have him anymore, but I do still have the dance.. and a hubby who's totally over it.

Now, If I were asked this question by a total stranger, I wouldn't give him the satisfaction by answering honestly.... I usually just tell them I've been in love with ME culture since I was a kid living in Turkey... which is also true.

I actually took my first class due to a boyfriend that thought I would like it and to be honest I was upset that he suggested it. I too was ignorant about bellydancing. But I decided to give it a try and fell in love and wish I had found it sooner. I have been a competitive dancer my whole life (tap, ballet, jazz) but nothing is like bellydance IMO.

I've had people in my classes flat out tell me that was the reason they were learning. However, in the sessions they get the cultural and historical information. Still, if that's what they want to use it for, there's not much we can do.

Originally Posted by SatinWorship19

Honestly, I wouldn't think less of somebody who initially learned to belly dance for their husband or SO. As long as they eventually came to the revelation that there's more to BD than seduction, of course! It's an annoying question, but many people can't wrap their heads around what would compel an average person to take up such an interesting pastime. So they like to ask.

Totally have no problem with anyone's personal reason for taking up the dance - happy to have dance friends for whatever reason :-)

I just don't care to entertain silly and suggestive questions a lot of the time. A question like that often comes not from actual interest in how or why I came to learn the dance, but more from self-amused dudes or dudettes who think it's funny to speculate on what I do when I get home.

A simple "no" seems to work for me, I don't get into it.

Originally Posted by MahiraRaqs

So, how do you answer this question?

When faced with this question in the past I think I got a confused look on my face and stared blankly. Because honestly, it doesn't occur to me to perform this dance for my husband. It's something I do with my friends. My troupemates.

Like shopping or getting our nails done.

I've simply said "No." Then I usually say something like "It's not about that. It's basically a social dance from the Middle East. Aunties and grandmas and sisters and nephews and uncles dance like this with each other at weddings and parties, and sometimes they're segregated. Men are often nowhere to be found."

Mundane visuals like elderly grannies in conservative clothes dancing with their daughters at a wedding usually shifts their mindset. And I can usually see the person is embarrassed for asking such a personal and private question about something that is clearly not sexual. If they keep asking questions and honestly want to learn, we go on from there. If not - if I get the feeling they don't believe me, I end it. They have clearly convinced themselves that I do it to seduce my man and I can't change their minds.

Our western culture is still very puritanical on a fundamental level and I think any suggestion that a woman might let loose and dance just for herself or just with her friends excites some people more than it should. The idea that we might undulate our bodies just because it feels good is absurd. In their minds, we've got to be doing it for some reason. It's attractive and different. It has to do with the moving your body in different ways. It must have something to do with titlating your man. ,r:; It's hard to fight that kind of conservative upbringing.

Hee hee hee.
I can be really mean at times if I think someone is trying to make Middle Eastern Dancing seem sleazy by asking me that question… So, if I think they are trying to sleaze it up, I usually respond by smiling sweetly, and saying innocently:

“No. Why do you ask? Did your (insert: daughter/sister/wife/mother) take up (insert: jazz, tap, ballet, choir, jogging) to please men in the bedroom?”

Then continue to look sweet and smile and blink at them while they stumble.

I have to admit. It works really rather well! :)

Originally Posted by Khalilah

I just don't care to entertain silly and suggestive questions a lot of the time. A question like that often comes not from actual interest in how or why I came to learn the dance, but more from self-amused dudes or dudettes who think it's funny to speculate on what I do when I get home.

That's the worst. Almost as bad as people who become crestfallen when they find out that I didn't become kidnapped by traveling gypsies as a little girl, or get rescued by friendly sea mammals, or any of that weirdness!

Stupid questions deserve stupid answers. Some of the comebacks in this thread are flippin' hilarious ..l;,

Some people learn to belly dance because they think it's seductive.

And let's face it: it is. There is something that I believe is inherently sexy about moving one's hips, whether or not the purpose is to seduce or titillate.

Of course as belly dancers we are so accustomed to this sort of movement we can see it over and over again without ever thinking "sex," and of course posture, intent, expression, etc can transform something sensual into something vulgar or obscene, but to someone who isn't used to seeing belly dance even the most innocent dancer will look seductive.

So I don't think this is a far-fetched question at all, and it certainly would not make me want to *punch* the person who's asking, although it's kind of a personal question for someone who doesn't know me well to ask, so I can see it being awkward.

I don't remember ever being asked this question, but often, like Satin, I get the "your husband is a lucky man!" as a response to a performance or to the finding that I belly dance. It is funny indeed, since my husband is so sick of my Middle Eastern music (which he not-so-fondly refers to as "habibi music") playing everyday and I practically have to force him to watch me dance pre-performance so I can practice some "audience" interaction and get his critiques.

Originally Posted by Khalilah

Totally have no problem with anyone's personal reason for taking up the dance - happy to have dance friends for whatever reason :-)

I just don't care to entertain silly and suggestive questions a lot of the time. A question like that often comes not from actual interest in how or why I came to learn the dance, but more from self-amused dudes or dudettes who think it's funny to speculate on what I do when I get home.

and usually who like to be judgey about it. T_T
i've never gotten that particular question (of course i've been single for over 6 years, and bellydancing for less time than that) but im glad this thread came up because it gave me a chance to think about it so i won't be floored by the rediculousness and the rudeness.
i did once get asked, WHILE i was dancing at a restaurant by a drunk man, after i'd been interacting with a table of customers who were typicialy ignorant but nice and having fun. the guy asked me "so do you like, flit with everyone, men and women? or do you behave?" i told him "of course i behave, because it's a family friendly dance!" apparently being friendly with people who are enjoying the show is seen as lesbian flirting! so look out, paying attention to the ladies at a table of couples doesn't always mean that you're not the stereotypical man-steeling seductress, it just means that you swing BOTH ways! T_T

Originally Posted by SatinWorship19

Almost as bad as people who become crestfallen when they find out that I didn't become kidnapped by traveling gypsies as a little girl...

WHAAAAAAA?!?!?!?! YOU DIDN'T?!?!?!?!?!

Just kidding, as we all know, most of us starting bellydancing because of 9/11, right Bill O'Reilly? ..l;,..l;,

And hey, there is nothing wrong with the obvious - that there is a sensual side to this dance. It's just a weeeee bit obnoxious when someone thinks it's funny or original to point that out in the form of an incredibly personal question. I suppose the next time they go to the ballet they ask the Prima Ballerina if she began dancing to improve flexibilty for her husband.

Some audience members are just silly and ask silly questions. Again, I answer plainly "No" when asked this. Whether it's true or not. I think it's better to not feed into it - if they follow up with "Well why DID you start dancing?" (a very reasonable question), I will give them a mroe thoughtful and reasonable answer.

Originally Posted by Khalilah

WHAAAAAAA?!?!?!?! YOU DIDN'T?!?!?!?!?!

Just kidding, as we all know, most of us starting bellydancing because of 9/11, right Bill O'Reilly? ..l;,..l;,

Yeah, I've always wanted to join a group of rhinestone-wearing, zaghareeting, shimmying terrorists! ,r:;,r:;,r:;.w.:

I've been asked this & as a baby belly I didn't know how to respond and got flustered. As time went on I started simply saying 'No.'. A few times I did embarass some inquirers by saying no then 'playing dumb' and asking them what they meant by it.

I did have a student remark once to her friend in class about a particular movement, how her bf would like it etc, then she realized she'd said it way louder than she meant and we all heard her. I told the class whatever they did with the dance in the privacy of their home was their business, not mine & I didn't need to know about it. It only became my business if they were dancing like that (sexually) in public/trying to get paid gigs & claiming to be a bdance. I wasnt a rude about it & they acually all nodded in what I took to be agreement & we moved on. I figure there will be at least one in every class who's there for that reason. I don't need to know about it though.

Originally Posted by Khalilah

WHAAAAAAA?!?!?!?! YOU DIDN'T?!?!?!?!?!

Just kidding, as we all know, most of us starting bellydancing because of 9/11, right Bill O'Reilly? ..l;,..l;,

Did he really say/hint at that. What a total nuf-nuf.

I have never had anyone ask did I start dancing for my man & don't know anyone who has. If I was asked I would likely burst out laughing and say "in your dreams - I dance for no man not now, not ever! I'm selfish I dance for me"