Thread: *Spinoff* Coping in the mental issues of performing professionally

Hello ladies!

I'm so sure there have been a multitude of threads about this subject so if you would like to redirect me that would be great!

Here's my dilemma:
After candid chats with many of my closest Bellydance colleagues, I realise that a lot of them feel totally stuck in a rut. They are so sick and tired of the mental pressures that come with performing professionally that it makes then just hate oriental dance and want to quit.

My BD community has always been severely plagued by vapid belly bunnies, degrading under cutters, and poorly skilled dancers that pass themselves off as super-stupid-stars. Now more then ever it seams like my dance community is completely naive and uneducated to the point that they can’t even tell a good dancer from a bad one (you would think it would be the other way around, no?). And when I say good VS bad I mean simple thing like posture and arm lines.... This makes it so easy for “dancers” to manipulate everyone around them into thinking that they are the best thing since Samia Gamal, ugg... It’s very frustrating.

Our town is oversaturated with "dancers" and "teachers" and it is practically impossible to make a decent living with dance. Still I have not lost hope but I fell so depressed for my dance friends that have. I do not want them to stop dancing since I know they have so much to offer... if the goods ones stop, to me that means the bad ones win and ultimately BD drastically suffers and I mean d-r-a-s-t-i-c-a-l-l-y!!!

How can they cope? How do you?

Salome, what's the best email to reach you at?

Hey baby cakes!

You ca reach me at info @ salomestar.com

Salut Chica!
The only advice I can offer is to pick and choose which gigs are important/fulfilling and let go of the ones that aren't. The ones you don't enjoy doing will suck the love for the music and dance dry and it will show in the performance.
I think that's why a lot of ppl can't tell a good dancer from a less experienced sometimes. A newer dancer has a lot of enthusiasm that the more experienced might have lost. The beauty of watching dance is the opportunity to be transported into the dancer's world, and good technique isn't enough to do that. (But good enthusiasm and bad technique isn't right either, of course). So I would say be more selective or just quit your job ..l;,
I have a good idea of who you're talking about, and I would say that taking classes again (group or private) would help to see things in a new light, and it would be a nice way to receive again, rather than always give. Actually, even a language class or music class could be fun! There is so much to learn on so many different levels and being in a rut just means that something needs to change.

Originally Posted by AngelicaDances

A newer dancer has a lot of enthusiasm that the more experienced might have lost.

Hey Angelica!
That's a really good point, I would have never tought of that!
** off to tell friend or you could too!...*** ..g.:

Originally Posted by salomestar

Hey Angelica!
That's a really good point, I would have never tought of that!
** off to tell friend or you could too!...*** ..g.:

lol, you'll probably see her before I do !! Send her a hug for me!

There is so much I could here but I think its best to keep it short.

A very close friend of mine who is a musician once told me something that has always lingered in my mind. He said that as artists there will always be times when we are unhappy, its just the way our business is, but we have to work through those times knowing that the happy times will be the best of our lives. Its true for those of us who try to make a living from dance, we sacrifice so much for our art but we do it because we love it. There can never be true success without at least a little bit of hardship.

So I guess my advice would be to stay true to yourself, do what feels right to you, and dont let the negative energy of other people and their actions get you down. At the end of the day all that matters is that you are happy with yourself.

I'm sure there are aspects of the dance that you still love - certain types of gigs, attending haflas as a non-performer, whatever. Try and identify and put your energies into those. Similarly, try to understand what you don't like, and find ways to ease away from it. And if your enjoyment of these activities changes, try and change the balance of what you do. There's no rule to say you have to do every type of gig or be involved in every aspect of your dance scene. And if it all gets a bit much, I'm sure stepping away for a while would help.

I think it's good, too, not to expect to gain too much artistic fulfilment where you won't find it. For eg, don't look for fine appreciation of your technique from a bellygram. Instead, try to feel 'fulfilled' from that type of gig if you did well as an entertainer, or at crowd management, or whatever is more realistic.

Perhaps you can find non-commercial opportunities to fill the void of creative and artistic appreciation. Can you get together with like-minded dancers and perform and show your real appreciation for each other? Put on an experimental show with other types of artists, such as musicians. I know I love to perform at our local showcases because it gives me things I don't get elsewhere: a kick up the behind to come up with something new, an understanding audience, validation from my peers.

Thank you for taking the time to add your ideas, you guy have great advice!

Originally Posted by Vasha_Hatal

A very close friend of mine who is a musician once told me something that has always lingered in my mind. He said that as artists there will always be times when we are unhappy, its just the way our business is, but we have to work through those times knowing that the happy times will be the best of our lives. Its true for those of us who try to make a living from dance, we sacrifice so much for our art but we do it because we love it. There can never be true success without at least a little bit of hardship.
.

Actually, I would not limit it to artists... The more heart you put into whatever you do, the greater is the chance to be disappointed or discouraged. You care so much about it, that when the going gets tough you can't just shrug, say "whatever" and move on to something new.

How to avoid yourself from getting too deep into depression? I agree with Jewel - figure out what makes you happy and why, what makes you sad and why, is there a way you can avoid the negative things, is there a way you can increase the positives in your life. The more you can figure out how your mind and emotions function, the better you can take care of yourself.

It seems that just when you think "this really stinks..." then you do a gig that is so fun!!!! REALLY FUN! And, not sure if everyone is like this but I am, you just get your energy from it!!!..g.:
Maybe you alll need a collective fun gig!,r:;

Can't find one? Make your own!

Originally Posted by Safran

Actually, I would not limit it to artists... The more heart you put into whatever you do, the greater is the chance to be disappointed or discouraged. You care so much about it, that when the going gets tough you can't just shrug, say "whatever" and move on to something new.
How to avoid yourself from getting too deep into depression? I agree with Jewel - figure out what makes you happy and why, what makes you sad and why, is there a way you can avoid the negative things, is there a way you can increase the positives in your life. The more you can figure out how your mind and emotions function, the better you can take care of yourself.

Agreed! and Nicely put!
This part:

Originally Posted by Safran

is there a way you can avoid the negative things, is there a way you can increase the positives in your life.

The "things" can be replaced with "people".
Avoid the people who are negative and surround yourself with people who are positive.

Originally Posted by faaria

Can't find one? Make your own!

..l;, actually I'm thinking of putting together something and trying to make everyone happy, we will see how it works out!

Originally Posted by faaria

It seems that just when you think "this really stinks..." then you do a gig that is so fun!!!! REALLY FUN! And, not sure if everyone is like this but I am, you just get your energy from it!!!..g.:
Maybe you alll need a collective fun gig!,r:;

This happens to me too! That's why I still have not left myself be depressed by the negative things...

I also believe that it's not the dance itself, the major depressing problems are created by some people that gravitate around us... it's a bit harder to get rid of them when they are so much in your face and purposely undercut you or try to give you a bad rep.

Originally Posted by salomestar

I also believe that it's not the dance itself, the major depressing problems are created by some people that gravitate around us... it's a bit harder to get rid of them when they are so much in your face and purposely undercut you or try to give you a bad rep.

Misery loves company. Miserable people always try to spread it around, some more venomously than others.
BUT, what I've found is that there are still so many more positive people around than negative.
Karma will eventually find the negative ones. In the meantime, hold your head up, be civil and kind and smile (or quietly ignore)... and seek out the positive ones.

"Do ya best, be open to the flow, and don't beat yerself up" told to me by a wise woman :-)

Originally Posted by SamiraShuruk

Misery loves company. Miserable people always try to spread it around, some more venomously than others.
BUT, what I've found is that there are still so many more positive people around than negative.
Karma will eventually find the negative ones. In the meantime, hold your head up, be civil and kind and smile (or quietly ignore)... and seek out the positive ones.

Very true!

Originally Posted by salomestar

...

I also believe that it's not the dance itself, the major depressing problems are created by some people that gravitate around us... it's a bit harder to get rid of them when they are so much in your face and purposely undercut you or try to give you a bad rep.

I understand what you mean. The "dancers" and "teachers" undercutting or maybe spreading rumour about you? I have whole lot of similar problems to deal with as you can see on a separate thread I started yesterday. Don´t feel miserable, don´t allow them to have such power over you. You are an outstanding personality, it is not your responsibility how others behave, let alone trying to change them.
I like faaria´s way of warning potential customers about undercutting on her page in form of excerption from article by Shems.

I've totally been through this. About a year ago I started to really get frustrated with some of the drama and pressure - plenty of which I created/brought on myself - and also with the feeling that I give more than I get back, not just in terms of money, but also emotionally. I wanted to feel valued, I needed to value myself more. I was drained by the endless unceasing bargaining with petty, cheating, penny-pinching managers and divalicious, penny-pinching brides. And then there was my frustration with the fact that I devoted so much energy to working on developing and improving my art, and yet, there were people on all sides, dancers, managers, audience, who didn't seem to know or care about the difference. And I wanted to just quit.

This feeling comes waves. Sometimes the exhaustion comes on very suddenly and it means I need to check in with myself and change something - work on fixing a relationship, or extricate myself from a bad relationship, or adjust my dance life/personal life balance. That is the biggest one I think, if you are feeling drained and just want to quit, think about where it might be healthy to cut back a bit, turn down a gig once and a while and just spend a Saturday night in front of the TV, or with friends. Or take of from teaching for a month, and then come back. You'll be pleasantly surprised how much you miss it - and you students miss you! By taking a short break or readjusting your dance life/personal life balance, you're not "letting the bad ones win" (lol) - on the contrary, you are nurturing the emotional and creative energy that will allow you to perform and teach for many many years to come!

Aside from newer dancers (good ones or not) having that great enthusiam, they are still dancing for the sheer love/joy of it - whereas the longer established profesional has gotten herself bogged down by the myriad of details that negotiating the business side of our world not to mention the drama/competition and has forgotten the thrill and excitment of just having a place to dance.

Find a way to keep your love for the art going - and your dancer's soul fresh & new...

Originally Posted by nadira82

I've totally been through this. About a year ago I started to really get frustrated with some of the drama and pressure - plenty of which I created/brought on myself - and also with the feeling that I give more than I get back, not just in terms of money, but also emotionally. I wanted to feel valued, I needed to value myself more.

Yup, this is exactly what's been eating at me this past year. It feels like my costs are going up while our perceived value in the marketplace is going down. It's like you take so much pride in your work, and invest so much money and energy into making your clients' special occasions memorable, yet so many people will just see you as another line item on the budget. And often, you're a line item that they can scrimp on or even decide at the last minute that they can do without. It can be very hard not to take this to heart. And it's also hard NOT to want to bend over backwards for every prospect, especially if you're a people pleaser by nature.

Sometimes, it is very therapeutic to turn down gigs - especially those where your Spidey Sense anticipates that the client might be a micromanaging Bridezilla. I'm detaching myself from one of those situations right now. On the one hand, I'm kicking myself for not being more "accommodating." On the other hand, there is a fine line between being accomodating and being a doormat. Turning down the crap gigs is a step in the right direction, at the very least. *shrug*

Originally Posted by SatinWorship19

Yup, this is exactly what's been eating at me this past year. It feels like my costs are going up while our perceived value in the marketplace is going down. It's like you take so much pride in your work, and invest so much money and energy into making your clients' special occasions memorable, yet so many people will just see you as another line item on the budget. And often, you're a line item that they can scrimp on or even decide at the last minute that they can do without. It can be very hard not to take this to heart. And it's also hard NOT to want to bend over backwards for every prospect, especially if you're a people pleaser by nature.

Sometimes, it is very therapeutic to turn down gigs - especially those where your Spidey Sense anticipates that the client might be a micromanaging Bridezilla. I'm detaching myself from one of those situations right now. On the one hand, I'm kicking myself for not being more "accommodating." On the other hand, there is a fine line between being accomodating and being a doormat. Turning down the crap gigs is a step in the right direction, at the very least. *shrug*

You tell me! When a client starts beeing a pain and I refuse to perform I fell bad the minute I hang up the phone ! ,r:;

Originally Posted by salomestar

You tell me! When a client starts beeing a pain and I refuse to perform I fell bad the minute I hang up the phone ! ,r:;

Me too. I feel bad, but then I remind myself that those PITA gigs really wouldn't have been worth my while. Let all the other dancers spin their wheels on cheap, flaky, non-committal and/or micromanaging prospects, you know? And keep the quality commitments for yourself.

Last year, I went to a marketing seminar by a local business coach and he had us do this exercise where we listed all of our recent clients and went back and ranked them A, B, C or D, in order of quality. When our time was up, he had us "fire" the C's and D's and told us that we should spend most of our efforts on the A's and B's. All of us can benefit from this exercise, as it feels good to know that you can say "sayonara" to gigs that don't work for you.

When I worked in advertising sales, we also did a lot of similar exercises. In sales, we call it "qualifying the client." Do they have the budget? Is there a mutually beneficial fit between you and the client? Will this gig possibly result in return business or referrals to the client's friends? Do you want the gig in the first place?

Initially, being selective is a longer and lonelier road to success, but ultimately, it's better on the psyche and on the bottom line.

Originally Posted by nadira82

I've totally been through this. About a year ago I started to really get frustrated with some of the drama and pressure - plenty of which I created/brought on myself - and also with the feeling that I give more than I get back, not just in terms of money, but also emotionally. I wanted to feel valued, I needed to value myself more. I was drained by the endless unceasing bargaining with petty, cheating, penny-pinching managers and divalicious, penny-pinching brides. And then there was my frustration with the fact that I devoted so much energy to working on developing and improving my art, and yet, there were people on all sides, dancers, managers, audience, who didn't seem to know or care about the difference. And I wanted to just quit.

No advice to give, just want to say I've been experiencing this more and more recently. I am closing watching this thread. HUGS!!

Originally Posted by salomestar

You tell me! When a client starts beeing a pain and I refuse to perform I fell bad the minute I hang up the phone ! ,r:;

Don't you dare! Your self esteem is at issue here, not some a$$hole client!

im really glad you posted this thread just tonight i felt so depressed. i need a break i think. i bellydance just about every night andits paying its toll on my health, and happiness. i will be watching this thread closely as well.

I've been dealing with these issues too... I usually do 5-10 shows a week(end), and last week I took a very rare vacation. I thought it would be a great way to get past any stagnation that comes from dancing every week for the same audiences at the same places with the same music, and that I would return refreshed, with some new sources of inspiration and excitement to get back to dancing. Well, I did, but I also returned to a nasty email from a high-maintenance restaurant over a substitute who didn't show up, as well as calls from another restaurant owner who wants to hire my other sub for my off-nights (and for $50 less than he pays me). So as much as I'm ready to get back to my gigs, I'm also stressed out over what I'll be walking into tonight and tomorrow.

Anyway, just commiserating, and also intending to follow the thread. I know that I'm so lucky to do what I love for a living and I would never change that, but these issues can be really frustrating!

I'm really happy this thread is helping others!