Thread: Would you respond? Creepy email...

So, I'm a little creeped out right now....I just received this email at my work (a design firm) email address, which isn't associated with me anywhere online except for my work's website.

"I know you are married, but I just want you to know how incredibly attractive I find you. I think about you often and how sexy you are. Especially if I think about you belly dancing. This is not a joke, and I want to stay anonymous... for now anyway. I might give clues to who I am later. I am just testing the waters to see if you are interested in talking. I sent this to your work email because it's the only one I could find."

It came from "Anon Anon ifindyouattractive @ gmail.com" email....so I have NO IDEA who this could be.

I perform under a dance name and though I haven't been extremely careful in protecting my real name, it would take some effort to figure out what it is. My guess is they browsed thru friends less-private facebook pages/tagged photos....

Anyways, I really want to respond with a BIG "NO I AM NOT INTERESTED" (Hello? I AM MARRIED!) but I don't know if that would encourage them more by responding or if I should just ignore them? Advice?

ewww, that is creepy. does your bellydance email forward to your work email? I wonder how he would have gotten your work email. Scary. I wouldn't respond, but I might tell your husband and talk to the police. If he continues it may cause problems at your job.

Ignore it, but save the message. Any response is encouragement and provides the sender with an excuse to continue interacting with you.

I would make sure it wasn't my husband's idea of a prank first (you never know!), then tell my boss about it. The text suggests that it might be someone you already know, and I would be concerned that it might have been sent by a coworker.

Agree completely with Ainsley and Mahira. I wouldn't respond, but save the message. If this isn't some kind of prank, I would assume this is someone you know, maybe a coworker or a client? You may want to approach your boss, particularly if you receive more emails.

Could it be someone from work?

I would not reply, but agree with the above posters about letting people know (family, boss, etc.), and saving the email

Definitely a bit creepy since seem to be clearly targeting you, and not just someone randomly emailing belly dancers from their website contact information. Sorry you have to deal with this. :(

I agree, ignore the email for now, but I don't know if you want to bring this to your boss yet, especially if they don't know you are a belly dancer.

If you continue to get emails, tell him that it is inappropriate to send fan mail to your work email address and if he continues to do so you will report him (harrasment).

Hopefully he will stop.

Thanks for the good advice.....I saved a copy of the message and "bounced" it back to the sender (like my email didn't work). Let my husband know of course (not his idea of a joke)....and definitely not anyone at my work....we're a small company and I know everyone really well, been here for 3+ years. Let people at work know I got this creepy email too...

Also, weird how they got my work email which is not on my work's website and I don't have emails forwarded to my work either....creepy!

You can contact Google mail and tell them this person is harrasing you at your work and you have no idea who it is. I think they will find the Anon's ip address.

If at all possible, get your name/likeness OFF of your employer's website!

I'm not listed on mine for this very reason - I too was stalked on the Internet. The person involved is now dead, but I have no plans of putting my real name back onto the 'net - at work or elsewhere...

Either ignore it, or have your boss or HR person respond for you - "I assure you that Ms. Professional is not interested - in fact, she came to me very concerned and unhappy about your email. Please do not contact Ms. Professional (or any of ProCo's employees) in such a manner again."

I'm sorry you have to deal with this.

ewwww yuck..

Definitely don't respond. Keep a copy of it. Let your husband and employers know you got this. If it continues and gets into a serious situation, you can have the ISP trace his IP and find out who it is. Then get a TRO.
Oh, that's a lot of TLAs. But be safe, OK?

I agree with the others, and please watch your back, and stay safe!

I'm sorry you are going through this!
This is scary stuff!!!

(((Hugs)))

ICK! I agree with Ainsley and Mathkitty--DO NOT RESPOND. Any response is encouragement. I also agree that it is likely someone you know and perhaps a co-worker. For this reason, don't delete it and notify your boss and HR.

I would also encourage you to google yourself and your dance name and do whatever you can to make sure they aren't connected somewhere online. I did this a year or so ago after getting rather lax. Now I'm diligent about staying on top of it--Aazura and [Real Name] do not know each other on the web.

I don't want to scare you... actually, I do. You should take this very seriously. Please be careful. I would also encourage you to pick up a copy of Philip Roth's Gift of Fear. There are dancers on this board that can speak from personal experience how dangerous this guy could be. True, he may just be a clueless idiot, but you don't know that so please please please assume that he can potentially harm you.

Sounds to me like its absolutely someone you know. A family friend, neighbor, coworker, friend's husband or brother, etc.

Someone who knows you're married, knows where you work AND that you bellydance (whether he's seen you do that live or only in his imagination is uncertain).

He's pretty clear that he's feeling you out to see if you might be interested in an affair, or at least a flirtation. He mentions dropping clues later as to who he is... so he's sure you know him and with some clues might guess.

Not a random fanboy.

I wouldn't answer at all.

Thank you everyone for all the great advice and concerns!

I have not, nor do I plan to respond to this email. I've also taken measures to delete any associations of my real name with my dance image and/or name.

It's clearly someone I've either come in contact with or is a "friend of a friend" type who some how came across my photos or something. If they've seen me dance, it's likely they could figure out I'm married as my husband is often around and plays drum for a lot of my performances. If they could find out my real name (possibly thru my husband's name?), then simple enough to find where I work....so, sigh, unfortunately information is so available now-a-days....

Anyways, I've done what I can, told my husband, my dance studio director and dance sisters, and my bosses about it. So, I'm not going to let it worry me to much at this point, and hopefully I won't hear from this person again. I'll certainly be more careful and aware at gigs from now on....keeping a feel out for any weirdos.

THANK YOU again everyone for all the responses! Great to know I can fall back on advice from you all! HUGS all around!!! :-)

I agree- this really sounds like he expects that if he gave you a few clues, you'd know who he was. Creepy. And he knows a fair bit about you. I would not respond, but I would tell either your boss or HR person. Stay safe!

Originally Posted by aazura

Philip Roth's Gift of Fear

The Gift of Fear is an excellent resource--it's actually by Gavin de Becker. I absolutely recommend it for anyone who's ever thought "hmmm, feels creepy, but maybe my squick-meter's just off?" Always heed your squick-meter--far better to be wrong and embarrassed than right and hurt.


(Please forgive the correction, Aazura--too many years spent working with books, I guess! )

I'm sorry you're going through this, and the way you've decided to handle it seems absolutely right. I highly recommend The Gift of Fear, also -- not just for you but for all of us who are working in this weirdly public-yet-intimate field. The author is Gavin de Becker.

Originally Posted by wv_wahine

Always heed your squick-meter--far better to be wrong and embarrassed than right and hurt.

Amen! We try so hard to avoid overreacting that we sometimes train ourselves right out of reacting at all. Not good, not right, not safe.

Originally Posted by wv_wahine

The Gift of Fear is an excellent resource--it's actually by Gavin de Becker.

(Please forgive the correction, Aazura--too many years spent working with books, I guess! )

You're right, my bad. And thank you for the correction. I was trying to remember the author and google somehow failed me....

The Gift of Fear (by Gavin de Becker) has come up in related threads several times on Bhuz. My mom first recommended it to me and I'm so glad. His book should be required reading for all women. Or at least for all belly dancers, since we are especially vulnerable. Calianaamar, I'm glad you're doing all the right things... but I still highly recommend reading this book.

Be safe!!

Originally Posted by aazura

I would also encourage you to google yourself and your dance name and do whatever you can to make sure they aren't connected somewhere online. I did this a year or so ago after getting rather lax. Now I'm diligent about staying on top of it--Aazura and [Real Name] do not know each other on the web.

This is EXTREMELY good advice...

Did you talk to your husband about it? Is it possible that the mystery man was your husband?

Originally Posted by Qalysha

Did you talk to your husband about it? Is it possible that the mystery man was your husband?

"If you like pina colada...."

That would be strange. Very strange.

You know, the gift of fear thing has some good advice in it but it concerns me sometimes that women are being encouraged to spend their lives in a constant state of high alert for attack. It's not healthy. We do it anyway - no woman alive is not aware of the possibility of danger/abuse/whatever from men - and I honestly don't think we need to put even more terror adrenaline into our bloodstreams 24 hours a day.

Forget creepy, stalkers, etc. This is what this is:

Somebody, presumably a guy, who is in your wider social circle, fancies you and wonders if you might be up for an affair. You're not. End of discussion.

I'd keep this, but not respond. If you get more, report them. You could, if there are some more, respond to one and one only: "I am not interested. Please do not contact me again." Then you've made it clear. You don't need to get the police involved yet but if it escalates by all means do so.

Originally Posted by Lauren_

Sounds to me like its absolutely someone you know. A family friend, neighbor, coworker, friend's husband or brother, etc.

Someone who knows you're married, knows where you work AND that you bellydance (whether he's seen you do that live or only in his imagination is uncertain).

He's pretty clear that he's feeling you out to see if you might be interested in an affair, or at least a flirtation. He mentions dropping clues later as to who he is... so he's sure you know him and with some clues might guess.

Not a random fanboy.

I wouldn't answer at all.

This.

Also possibly a dance sister's SO, who'd be able to easily get info about the 'real' you from her about you in just general conversation.

Definitely don't respond unless the emails keep up. Then the standard "I am not interested. Do not contact me again." may be in order.

Use the long headers to track the email with something like this...
Trace Email Address Source

Sometimes you can track down an IP to the origin if the headers haven't been forged.

It might not be exact but it's worth a try.

Originally Posted by roguepen

Use the long headers to track the email with something like this...
Trace Email Address Source

Sometimes you can track down an IP to the origin if the headers haven't been forged.

It might not be exact but it's worth a try.

I second this!

It also might give you a (very) vague genral idea of where this person is, maybe than you could narrow it down to a list of possible people?

Thank you everyone for the advice and concerns! Haven't heard any more from this mystery person, so hopefully that's the end of it.

Can't use the email headers to track the source since I bounced it back, but oh well....I'm not going to worry about it. I'm not one to live in fear, so a little extra caution and that's it for me unless something seriously escalates and makes me feel threatened. Luckily I have lots of friends and most of my gigs are duos or my husband comes with me so I feel quite safe out and about.

Happy to be dancing! :-)