Thread: How to Make It in Bellydance...or Not...

A few folks recommended that I post the link for my latest blog post here, it's a piece on bullying in our community:

Tempest's Teapot: How to Make It in Bellydance...or Not.

Originally Posted by rosehips

A few folks recommended that I post the link for my latest blog post here, it's a piece on bullying in our community:

Tempest's Teapot: How to Make It in Bellydance...or Not.

interesting read...so, all towns have them. we have one....thats why i do not dance in shows here. sad...but thanks for your take on it !

Are we talking about somebody like Fifi here? I give her leeway because she's Fifi. Same as I cut my ancient great-aunt a little slack because she's old and she's been there/done that.

It does seem like there's a fine line between "bullying" and simply being honest. But the location of that line seems to depend upon the skill of the individual performer. Just sayin' ...

Originally Posted by aziyade

Are we talking about somebody like Fifi here? I give her leeway because she's Fifi. Same as I cut my ancient great-aunt a little slack because she's old and she's been there/done that.

It does seem like there's a fine line between "bullying" and simply being honest. But the location of that line seems to depend upon the skill of the individual performer. Just sayin' ...

I think there's a HUGE world of difference between someone who is very honest/blunt/direct (and typically without any sort of underlying motive), and someone who is actively making threats against other dancers - personally, publicly - aimed to damage their business, reputation, etc. We're not talking "I don't care for her dancing." We're talking insulting names, abusive texts/phone calls/messages, and other violent behavior.

Ah -- I see.

I understand voting with your feet and your dollar if the offender is a workshop sponsor. But if it's another community member, what is the best course of action? If we ignore it, don't we just perpetuate it? If we call them out on their behavior, we risk looking like the bad guy.

I'm thinking of a couple of specific cases, and wondering how to "neutralize" those people's bad behavior when removing financial support isn't an option. I'm kind of the opinion that we should mind our own personal affairs and let the negative person burn themselves out, but is that REALLY the healthiest course of action? Getting into an email/voicemail war isn't healthy, but what is the best plan? I know these are the same questions you're asking in the blog, and maybe the only answer is as you suggest -- make sure we ourselves aren't part of the problem. But is that enough? If we ignore it, does it go away? I'm genuinely curious as to how other people have dealt with these issues, since it seems like they're not uncommon. :(

I think it's reasonable to say that you don't have to attend or perform in a "bad" dancer's show/hafla/community performance if you don't want to encourage her. You don't have to take from teachers you don't like as human beings. I am conflicted about the workshop sponsorship, though. Sometimes someone I don't particularly want to endorse is bringing in a teacher I do. I don't want to punish the visiting teacher, and I don't want to punish myself by missing the workshop, so the lesser of the evils is to go, knowing that I am tacitly allowing the garbage to thrive. I know dancers who have gotten themselves into situations where they were cutting off their noses to spite their faces this way. What does it prove when you miss the opportunity to study with someone you really like because it's more important to you to hurt the organizer?

Originally Posted by Tourbeau

I think it's reasonable to say that you don't have to attend or perform in a "bad" dancer's show/hafla/community performance if you don't want to encourage her. You don't have to take from teachers you don't like as human beings. I am conflicted about the workshop sponsorship, though. Sometimes someone I don't particularly want to endorse is bringing in a teacher I do. I don't want to punish the visiting teacher, and I don't want to punish myself by missing the workshop, so the lesser of the evils is to go, knowing that I am tacitly allowing the garbage to thrive. I know dancers who have gotten themselves into situations where they were cutting off their noses to spite their faces this way. What does it prove when you miss the opportunity to study with someone you really like because it's more important to you to hurt the organizer?

As a traveling instructor myself, and having heard this issue before (as well as pondered it myself), I think it's more important to support the instructor you want to learn from, as well as consider the reasons/issues you have with the promoter. Is it something that can be addressed or fixed? Has anyone discussed the problem with the promoter to see if it could be alleviated? Is it a personality thing, or is it a business issue or overstep that could be taken care of? Sometimes it seems everyone else in the community knows about some issue, except the person who did it, so if no one tells her/him, how is it supposed to be fixed? (All rhetorical here, but things to think about.)

This is a really great blog. Thank you for sharing it.

As frustrating as it is, we can't change other peoples choices or actions. I would argue as helpful as it would seem to approach a dancer/professional/teacher etc and bring to light whatever the issue or problem is, will they really alter their behavior to better the community? Doubtful. I think instead of 'outing' their behavior or unfortunate malicious tactics, it is better to just leave them alone and ignore them. Usually people who try to bring others down desperately crave attention and their threatened by others potentially taking away their spotlight. Instead of giving them our energy and attention, I believe its much more productive to focus on one's own dancing career and improvement (take away their power and everyone can begin to move forward).

As for these malicious beings hosting dancers/master instructors you want to endorse, I agree with Tourbeau, sometimes we cut off our nose despite our faces to miss an opportunity. My only suggestion would be to investigate the other options/time availability of said teacher/instructor. If they're only in the area this once, hosted by that dancer, you might need to bite the bullet and suck it up for a day. If they'll be in the area again or you can financially afford to travel to a different location to see them, maybe that would be a better option.

Negativity only breeds negativity. The more we can do as a community to be above the hate, the better we can all feel about our fellow dancers (building more community, instead of defending ourselves and our businesses)

Well done. And I agree that diplomacy and a willingness to moving on is the best way to handle these kind of situations. Continuing to put energy into something which is negative only feeds it. Do what you can to effect positive change and then be willing to accept that you have done what you can and let go.

Life is too short to worry about other peoples issues.

{{{HUGS}}}