Thread: Help wanted with some Winter Warming marketing Wordsmithing!

I need to hot-up the wording on a marketing clip of mine, and am having trouble with wordsmithing. Please help!

The clip advertises my local bellydance classes, and is shown at a local women's gym. I thought I'd go with the winter workout theme, as we're coming into winter here. Perhaps stressing indoor classes, a different type of exercise...'For the most W~ (adjective starting with W)- Winter Workout, try Bellydancing!'. Ugh, I'm stuck!

The video is like a powerpoint slideshow - no sound, just several screens for about 15 seconds. If you're on facebook, you can probably see the current version here: Welcome to Facebook - Log In, Sign Up or Learn More. I'm using it to advertise local bellydance classes (plus hens and kids party workshops).

I think this has been the most expensive failure of a marketing ploy yet, but I'm still signed up for another 6 months, and should at least try some fresh sentences! I believe I can also ask to have photos changed, and possibly the whole thing overhauled if I desire. So all suggestions are welcome.

I don't think the text is necessarily bad, but even at full screen, it felt like it was a challenge to read it all before the slide changed. Can you slow the timing down a little? To enhance readability, I might also think about rearranging the text into blank areas of the screen, instead of having so much of it on top of the pictures, and possibly even change the lettering color. It wasn't bad at full screen when I was paying attention, but if you are running this on a loop in a lobby, you may not be able to expect folks to stand there and watch two or three cycles to get it all. Screens that convey information when glanced at are probably a better design model.

Usually when you're blocked by a word like this, it is best to start from scratch and try another approach. Here are some ideas:

Shimmy to stay warm with a winter belly dance workout...
Shimmy away the winter blues with a winter belly dance workout...
Belly dance the winter blues away...

Originally Posted by Tourbeau

I don't think the text is necessarily bad, but even at full screen, it felt like it was a challenge to read it all before the slide changed. Can you slow the timing down a little? To enhance readability, I might also think about rearranging the text into blank areas of the screen, instead of having so much of it on top of the pictures, and possibly even change the lettering color.

Yes, I agree. I had trouble reading the text where it overlapped with photos.

Currently, there are five batches of text in 20 seconds, which allows the viewer only 4 seconds to read each batch. If you assume that it will take a few seconds for the ad to catch a person's attention in the first place, quite a bit of the text will probably be missed.

I would suggest cutting it down to two batches of text that show for 10 seconds each. First, your hook, e.g. Andalee's "Shimmy the winter blues away with a bellydance workout!", then the most pertinent info, e.g. "Weekly classes for all levels Thursday nights in Baybrook". Sticking to one concise, targeted message would I think be more effective than trying to advertise classes, hen parties, and children's parties, bellydance and bollywood, all in such a short amount of time.

And here's my attempt at alliterative ad copy:

"Why waste your winter on a weight machine when you could whittle your waist with bellydance?"

But perhaps that's a bit excessive.

My suggestion using the 5 page option. You'd have to change the photos to match the theme of each page. And I would suggest the last page is your map (currently slide 3) but without the class photo included.

1. Winter Workout - try a Wiggle!

2. Bellydance baby - good for a giggle

3. Whittle your waistline
- Trim your behind

4. Give some oompah to the bits that jiggle!

5. Classes, hen parties, children's parties Call 123-456-789

Thanks everyone for all the suggestions, it's given me much more to work with. I agree that it's too much text. I don't have complete control over the ad, as it's done by an inhouse artist, but I can 'direct' them to change things. Actually, when I first got it made up, despite my instruction that I wanted to show my classes and party guests off, the artist went straight to my website and used all those images of me, and left the important stuff out. This clip is what they came up with after some coaxing. I think I will get them to cut out some screens to allow extra text-time. I also do want to make substantial text changes, because the ad has been running in the same location for months now, so it's probably no longer being noticed.

I have to be careful suggesting that a bellydance workout is more fun than being in a 'boring' gym, as that is where this ad appears!

PS - Ndi-mi - I like your use of humour. I think I'll try something like that.