Thread: Advice Needed. Is this client wanting something more from me?

A guy saw me dance at one of my regular gigs and he booked me for a private gig. Everything went great at the gig and he even paid me almost twice what I quoted him. When I told him he was giving me more than I told him, he said I had done a great job and deserved it. He was there with his very pretty girlfriend and friends. The girlfriend was also very nice. He was a gentleman and had someone walk me in and walk me to the car. When I asked for my cd he said they had liked it so much and I said they could then just keep it. He said "no, it's yours, i'll just give it to you later." I was thinking, "later?" "maybe there is another gig?" But I didn't give it too much thought or importance. Days after he texts me and asks when he can give me my cd. I said it was seriously ok and I had the music saved but he insisted. I then said he can just stop by one of the restaurants I dance at which is during the day and he works next door. He texted me again today and I told him I was there. So he stopped by but didn't have my cd. He instead asked if we could have coffee sometime and when I had time. I was rushing out of the place and I said we need to talk about it. To just text me. I am married, he has a gf, and either way, this is strictly business. I need to say something in a nice way and I need advice because I don't want to come out too strong but just polite and firm. I also don't want to jumo the gun and perhaps it isn't what I think.

It is exactly what you think and I wouldn't worry about being polite. I have found in the past that people oblivious to the social boundaries of pre-existing relationships often need a fairly blunt sometimes rude response to get that you don't want their attentions and that there is no chance of the affair they are looking for.

Blow him off. Say you don't have time, you aren't interested in having coffee with him or whatever you have to do. You have no obligation to this guy and he is more trouble than he is worth as a potential repeat customer. If he needs to return your CD, he can drop it off where you work when you aren't there. Nip it in the bud and you'll be glad you did.

Tell him you're married

Listen to you gut. If it feels "funny," it's "funny."

Tell him you and your husband would love to meet him and his girlfriend for a coffee. Yeah, right.

I hate falling back on this kind of thing, because I'd like to believe that my simply saying no is enough, but I would say if he persists in asking for a coffee date or anything else, just say, "I'm sorry, but I really can't. My husband wouldn't like it." Some guys just won't hear your no if you don't invoke another man. Plus if you put it like that, he can't argue with you without confirming that he's looking for an affair.

I second what Dunyah mentioned, just trust your gut.

If you haven't read this book, it's a must: "The Gift of Fear" by Gavin De Becker

I like dunyah's idea. That way you don't have to wonder - if he's happy with the idea of coffee with your husband & his girlfriend then maybe he's just weird, instead of creepy. Although I do have the feeling that he is a creep, and will back off once he knows you won't meet him alone.

My standard answer is "I'm married, so no, we can't have coffee."
I used to just say I'm married, but sometimes that's not enough for people to get the point. So I follow that up with a clear "no."

Thank you ladies!!

He texted saying it was very nice to see me again. I replied and said it was nice seeing him as well but that I believe that going for coffee wouldn't be possible because my husband wouldn't be happy with that. I also said that since he works so close by the restaurant I dance at, I thought he could just drop off my cd if he had a chance although it is really not a big deal and can keep it. He replied and said "sure, no problem." So I think he got it :) And I think it is time to upgrade my ring. Lol. I may need a bigger rock instead of telling guys I'm married. Would be nice, hahaha.

This guy has such a nice and pretty girlfriend too. She encouraged him to dance with me when I did the gig since he was the "shy" guy. Funny thing is that when I asked why she didn't want to dance she said he wouldn't like it. So he hires a belly dancer but wouldn't want his gf dancing with the belly dancer.

Originally Posted by dunyah

Listen to you gut. If it feels "funny," it's "funny."

Tell him you and your husband would love to meet him and his girlfriend for a coffee. Yeah, right.

Should of done that. I wonder what his answer might of been. I could of made him so uncomfortable I let him out easy.

Originally Posted by yameyameyame

My standard answer is "I'm married, so no, we can't have coffee."
I used to just say I'm married, but sometimes that's not enough for people to get the point. So I follow that up with a clear "no."

My answer was too polite I think. Luckily he got it! But like you said, sometimes that isn't enough and it is best to be blunt and get to the point. I was very straight forward today during one of my gigs with another guy who said he had three sons. He just got to me with that an another comment he made.

There's a lot of good advice here and I'm glad you got it worked out, but I just want to chime in on something. I tell people I'm married or committed, or that I don't have time, or whatever, and that usually doesn't work as well as a simple "no." When you give reasons, people find ways to argue with them, or assume that you're saying, "I would say yes but ..."

When someone is this unaware of boundaries, a strong, unapologetic "No" is the best course of action. We don't need to justify our disinterest in anyone, let alone someone who is being manipulative and creepy.

There's a saying I like: "'No' is a complete sentence."

Originally Posted by LeylaFahada

There's a lot of good advice here and I'm glad you got it worked out, but I just want to chime in on something. I tell people I'm married or committed, or that I don't have time, or whatever, and that usually doesn't work as well as a simple "no." When you give reasons, people find ways to argue with them, or assume that you're saying, "I would say yes but ..."

When someone is this unaware of boundaries, a strong, unapologetic "No" is the best course of action. We don't need to justify our disinterest in anyone, let alone someone who is being manipulative and creepy.

Precisely.

Whenever I forget to be clear and blunt, the person almost always tries to circumvent my answer. If I just say I'm married, they say "happily?" or "is it a good marriage?" or "well why isn't he here, then?"

One time this group of guys was seriously arguing with me, insisting that I couldn't possibly be married. WTF? Get a clue, dude. If I'm telling you I'm married, it's because

a. I'm not interested because I am married
b. I wouldn't be interested anyway AND I'm married so it's convenient for me to say so
c. I'm not actually married but I am lying because I'm not interested

As you can tell, in all of these scenarios, I am not interested. However, some men are so clueless and have such huge egos that they honestly always think you secretly want them but there are other things on the way other than you not wanting them. Meanwhile, you were just trying to be nice and say things in a way that won't hurt them. And they take your politeness as a mixed signal...

Originally Posted by dunyah

Listen to you gut. If it feels "funny," it's "funny."

Tell him you and your husband would love to meet him and his girlfriend for a coffee. Yeah, right.

I TOTALLY agree about listening to your gut, but I wouldn't do this, because something about that first almost-private-gig-with-girlfriend-present screamed 'looking for a threesome' to me, and if that's the case, this might sound like you're proposing a swing/swap.

I also dislike the 'my husband wouldn't like it' response (though I know it's popular and seems to have worked in this case). I feel like it takes your power away and gives it to your husband. Also could imply that you'd really LIKE to become sexually involved with the person but your hubby won't let you.

I think it's stronger to own the 'no.' I'd go with "I'm flattered that you asked me, but I'm going to say no because I'm a happily married woman."

or, since I'm not a happily married woman, I'd probably say "That's flattering, but it sounds too much like a date. I never date clients. Wish you luck, though, and have a great day!"

How about, thank you, it's very nice of you to ask, but between work, dance classes, grad school, my husband and my children, I really don't have time to socialize. So I'm sorry, I can't meet you for coffee. If this is business related, I would be happy to speak with you over the phone at a pre-designated time.

Of course, i have been accused of beating people to death with information! it can be lovely to hear them run, screaming, into the night!

{{{HUGS}}}

Originally Posted by yameyameyame

Precisely.

Whenever I forget to be clear and blunt, the person almost always tries to circumvent my answer. If I just say I'm married, they say "happily?" or "is it a good marriage?" or "well why isn't he here, then?"

One time this group of guys was seriously arguing with me, insisting that I couldn't possibly be married. WTF? Get a clue, dude. If I'm telling you I'm married, it's because

a. I'm not interested because I am married
b. I wouldn't be interested anyway AND I'm married so it's convenient for me to say so
c. I'm not actually married but I am lying because I'm not interested

As you can tell, in all of these scenarios, I am not interested. However, some men are so clueless and have such huge egos that they honestly always think you secretly want them but there are other things on the way other than you not wanting them. Meanwhile, you were just trying to be nice and say things in a way that won't hurt them. And they take your politeness as a mixed signal...

People aren't good at making inferences I fear! Yeah, I've even had a man once say "I didn't ask about your boyfriend." Wow, dude. I think that many women take on hurt feelings of others as a responsibility, because we're trying to be kind. At least that's something I see myself doing, and I'm trying to be vigilant against it. While I'm not going to jam a stick into your eye, it's not my problem if you don't get what you want, and that goes double if you cross the lines of good taste.

Originally Posted by LeylaFahada

People aren't good at making inferences I fear! Yeah, I've even had a man once say "I didn't ask about your boyfriend." Wow, dude. I think that many women take on hurt feelings of others as a responsibility, because we're trying to be kind. At least that's something I see myself doing, and I'm trying to be vigilant against it. While I'm not going to jam a stick into your eye, it's not my problem if you don't get what you want, and that goes double if you cross the lines of good taste.

Wow, what a pompous jerk. But no, it doesn't surprise me. Too many guys are like that... if you are alone, they take it as a sign of availability. They know you might have a boyfriend or a husband but it doesn't matter as long as they aren't with you at that moment.

I usually have a really hard time not being super nice to people in person (I know, surprising, since I come off as such a jerk online). For whatever reason, I am very sensitive about hurting people's feelings. But with men coming on to me, I've learned the hard way to be assertive, blunt and, sometimes, to be mean. It depends on how they are doing it and how many people have done it that night and on my mood at the time.

Originally Posted by yameyameyame

I usually have a really hard time not being super nice to people in person (I know, surprising, since I come off as such a jerk online). For whatever reason, I am very sensitive about hurting people's feelings. But with men coming on to me, I've learned the hard way to be assertive, blunt and, sometimes, to be mean. It depends on how they are doing it and how many people have done it that night and on my mood at the time.

Ha! I totally understand. It's important to me to be fair, to be empathetic, and to be respectful, but I had to learn that I can do all of that without apology nor explanation. If a guy can't respect your straight-forward lack of desire for him, then it's time to get mean. Of course, there's the handful of guys out there who really respond to meanness - but that's a whole new problem.

This actually reminds me of negotiating gigs. If we wince, or sound apologetic, or give reasons when we state our price, we leave an opening for customers to walk all over us.

Originally Posted by LeylaFahada

Yeah, I've even had a man once say "I didn't ask about your boyfriend."

One time I was driving around town in my convertible with the top down. I was my "mundane" (non-dance) persona. As I was sitting at a red light, the window went down on the car next to me and the driver asked me out for a drink. I said, "No thanks, I'm happily married," and his response was, "That doesn't matter. Here, take my card, and call me!"

I didn't take his card. Why on earth would I want anything to do with a guy who thinks it's fine for a happily married person to cheat on their spouse?

Me: "But I have a boyfriend!"
Guy: "Well, then you will leave him for me!"

Other responses include
"Make an exception for me!"
"Ah you know... free love!"

I think some men are jealous because they KNOW how men are (at least a lot of them). Maybe they even have done this themselves...

MEISSOUN

Originally Posted by LeylaFahada

...I tell people I'm married or committed, or that I don't have time, or whatever, and that usually doesn't work as well as a simple "no." When you give reasons, people find ways to argue with them, or assume that you're saying, "I would say yes but ..."

...

Yes, Leyla, I agree totally. A male friend of mine gave me that same advice. If your answer really is "no", don't give a guy any reason to try to work around. Just say "no" and there can be no arguing, justifying or whatever.
I hate feeling impolite... so "thank you, but no" works for me.

marrage means nothing to some people or a commitment . I smile and look bumbed out and say I am available to entertain at parties and that is all. I have guys give me a big tip and then ask me out maybe they should have asked me out waited until i said no then they would not have lost allot of money? there lose. there are women that do more then dance so just nip it in the bud!

Originally Posted by shems

Blow him off. Say you don't have time, you aren't interested in having coffee with him or whatever you have to do. You have no obligation to this guy and he is more trouble than he is worth as a potential repeat customer. If he needs to return your CD, he can drop it off where you work when you aren't there. Nip it in the bud and you'll be glad you did.

This - but I wouldn't be so polite. A heartfelt "Get LOST!" might be better...

Originally Posted by Aesera

This guy has such a nice and pretty girlfriend too. She encouraged him to dance with me when I did the gig since he was the "shy" guy. Funny thing is that when I asked why she didn't want to dance she said he wouldn't like it. So he hires a belly dancer but wouldn't want his gf dancing with the belly dancer.

Alarm bells! He's a jerk - I'd be inclined to inform his GF about this little episode if she's conveniently available/reachable...

be professional when you deal with people! i think the NO is good so he no's there is not wiggle room. stay ways from drama!

Originally Posted by Lauren_

I also dislike the 'my husband wouldn't like it' response (though I know it's popular and seems to have worked in this case). I feel like it takes your power away and gives it to your husband.

That's exactly what I hate about resorting to that, but there are some men who simply will not respect or accept that you have any power besides that granted to you by another man. But I know in my heart who and what I am, and getting rid of a jerk by catering to his mindset for a moment doesn't change that. For the ones who say "so?" they are still pushing to see what they can get and generally a second "no, really" is enough. If not, that guy was not going to respect anything I had to say anyway and it's time to remove myself from any dealings with him, or at least make sure I'm never alone with him under any circumstances.

Originally Posted by zorba

Alarm bells! He's a jerk - I'd be inclined to inform his GF about this little episode if she's conveniently available/reachable...

Too bad she isn't. I hope she realizes soon and leaves him.

Originally Posted by PrincessNadirah

be professional when you deal with people! i think the NO is good so he no's there is not wiggle room. stay ways from drama!

Yes. Sometimes I wish I could just say "get lost" like Zorba says but like Yame, I have a hard time being too firm because I'm afraid of hurting someone's feelings (but sometimes they deserve it). But what Lauren said about telling him that "my husband wouldn't like it" makes sense. I can be leaving room for missinterpretation there. So I will stick to the "no" if something like this happens next time. I was lucky he got it with the response I gave him.

Originally Posted by zorba

Alarm bells! He's a jerk - I'd be inclined to inform his GF about this little episode if she's conveniently available/reachable...

I would simply stay away from both of them. They might have an open relationship or they might be thinking of a threesome.

My fav response is 'which syllable of the word no do you not understand?'. Even an idiot can grasp the obvious meaning.