Thread: Um...what do I say?

Just received a PM on facebook from a dance acquaintance of mine saying that she has a gig today and needs a costume, and so she wants to look through my costumes and borrow one of mine...

I know I'm smaller than her, so I guess I could use that excuse...but I mean REALLY? She put herself out on the market and doesn't even have a costume? I know I'm not the only one who might find this a little odd...but how do I go about dealing with this situation? She's scrabbling for money (I don't even want to know how much she was booked for, that might make me explode), but that was really unprofessional...please help

I would just be honest with her and say something like, "I'm sorry, but I don't loan my costumes." If you think she needs more detail than that, maybe something like, "I'm sorry, but I don't loan my costumes. I know that you don't have a costume at the moment, but it is unprofessional to book gigs for which you are not prepared. You may need to find a substitute dancer if you are unable to meet the customer's show needs."

I am always amazed when this kind of thing happens, but it has happened to me and to most other pro dancers I have talked to about it over the years.

I asked if she meant the two that I had for sale that she had seen before...hopefully that's what she "meant" to ask to see. This makes me feel like a bad semi-friend, but I can't be a pushover, especially when it comes to business.

Do you have any costumes you're looking to sell? If so, you should say:

"I don't loan costumes, and I don't know any dancers who do. But here are a few I have currently for sale, here are the prices, let me know if you're interested."

If someone had asked me that, I'd also add:

"If you are dancing professionally, you need to have your own costumes. Here are a few places where you can get some:
*link to dahlal
*link to belly dance store
*link to bhuz swap meet* "

I have two that I'm letting go for super cheap ($50) so they should be right up her alley. They are homemade ones that I ended up not loving and now they are taking up space lol. I sent her links to their photo albums so we'll see...

I don't loan my costumes either (save for my kidlet of course - and she dances with me and is my size!)

I just tell people 'I'm sorry I don't loan out my costumes." If they push past this - I simply say "I have put so much time, money and effort into my dancing, they are my reward to myself." I had a few people want to take photographs in them who don't dance - and that's what I've said. I am really firm on this.

final update:

Turns out it's a fire gig.

A last minute fire gig.

For New Years apparently.

For 8 hours, out of state, for a sickeningly low amount of money (I won't say how much exactly, but let's just say it's about 1/4 of what it should cost).

She's not really interested in buying a costume which means she wanted to borrow one of mine to play with fire in. I play with fire on a regular basis, but that's just it...I do. No one else--not in my costumes unless it's my troupe mate. I'm actually really upset about this and I'm not easy to upset!!

Oh well...I have a body painting fire dance photoshoot later this evening with my boyfriend, so that should cheer me up. I can't let something like this bring down the rest of my day.

OH and she booked the gig during a shift at her regular work place and is trying to find someone to take her shift for her.

So...frustrated...with people....

Originally Posted by eden_eyes

OH and she booked the gig during a shift at her regular work place and is trying to find someone to take her shift for her.

So...frustrated...with people....

People are extremely capable of many things, one of which is being very dumb. Don't give her your mind space! Go have a great day!

Why is this upsetting you so much? You're not lending her a costume. Tell her you're not lending her a costume and that's that. You don't even owe her any further explanation if she's asking. Everything else is her problem...

I'd simply say, "I'm sorry, but I don't loan out my costumes."

I wouldn't steer her to other sources. I wouldn't offer to sell her old ones. I wouldn't do anything to make it easier for her to keep this gig. She got herself into this mess, and I wouldn't feel any responsibility to help her get out of it.

Just say no. I've made the mistake of loaning a pretty nice hip scarf to a friend at the time who was taking an intro class. My hip scarf came back in same condition, but she treated it- this sounds corny but really disrespectfully. Trying to be sexy and cutesy while wearing it at a drunk party, letting other people wear it, etc.

I don't loan things out unless I 100% trust the person and know s/he understands the value of what I'm loaning out.

It sucks some people don't necessarily respect your belongings, but you have to move on and most importantly, just say no. If this person gets mad at you for not loaning her something, it says more about her than you; why would she assume that she is entitled to your belongings?

Just say no and fume silently about what a stupid foolish unprofessional person she is.

I know this isn't exactly the way to make friends, but I'd express my thoughts to this dancer, and let her know she is doing herself and the other dancers trying to make a living in this business a huge dis-service by her behavior, the rates she set, etc in this situation. Chances are she wont want to hear it and she will probably think you are a b*****, however, she needs to hear it and I think it is worthwhile to speak up. Later on it may sink in for her and she may come to appreciate your honesty. If not, you probably don't want her as a friend anyway. Reputations can be damaged by association.

And yeah, no way in hell I'd lend my costumes to an acquaintance, only rarely do I lend to close friends. That is just a no.

She booked a last-minute gig for a time when she is scheduled to work (and a time and day when, realistically, she's going to have a hard time getting someone to cover), without having anything appropriate to wear, and doesn't want to spend any money on a costume for said gig. She figures she can just borrow a costume from you, and asks the day before (thereby leaving herself no time to come up with something should you say no, as you're quite rightly going to). Was she counting on that when she took the gig, just like she was counting on getting her shift covered on New Year's Eve at the last minute? Maybe she assumed you would take pity on her desperation -- it's the last minute and she really needs something! -- and just couldn't say no.

Presumptuous and feckless. This isn't a very close friend, is it? Because it's not very nice of her to try to put a friend in this position.People who do like this IME have a flair for the dramatic, so maybe you anticipate tiresome consequences if you give her an adamant no? This is just me guessing.

If you feel you must sweeten the "no can do" blow, you could add something like, "I know that if something happened to it, you'd need to replace/repair/clean it, and that would put a lot of worry on you at a time when your finances aren't great. I just wouldn't feel comfortable with this and the strain that might put on our friendship." You could also offer to look at what she already has and advise her on how she could put it together, if you really want to extend yourself. Which is still more than she has any right to expect, but I don't know if this is one of those relationships where you have a practical need to keep it cordial, so i put it out there.

Was she drunk when she booked the gig? She doesn't sound very serious about taking it. Does she need a ride too? She sounds very irresponsible and if she's not already your actual friend I'd steer clear of her.

Congratulations! You have been given a green light to categorize her as the type person she really is. Such lessons are usually learned over a much longer period of time. This one was a quick process so you are ahead of the game. Appreciate that she allowed you to see her true colors so quickly.

Originally Posted by shems

I know this isn't exactly the way to make friends, but I'd express my thoughts to this dancer, and let her know she is doing herself and the other dancers trying to make a living in this business a huge dis-service by her behavior, the rates she set, etc in this situation. Chances are she wont want to hear it and she will probably think you are a b*****, however, she needs to hear it and I think it is worthwhile to speak up. Later on it may sink in for her and she may come to appreciate your honesty. If not, you probably don't want her as a friend anyway. Reputations can be damaged by association.

This exactly. (And also explains why some people speak of me the way they do. I'm honest in a way some don't want to hear. If you want to be a pro dancer... put your big girl pro dancer panties on... and do right by the dance professionally and ethically.)

Originally Posted by SamiraShuruk

If you want to be a pro dancer... put your big girl pro dancer panties on... .)

Especially the panties.

Thanks for the words of encouragement guys...I didn't have to say anything else to her come to find out. She ended up getting someone to cover her shift for her and now she's at her gig. Maybe she came up with something to wear, idk and idc. The point is, someone will see her doing the two tricks she knows for several hours and will categorize her as a fire performer. Ugh. Whatever. I haven't allowed it to upset me and I got over it. In fact...I'm thankful...because the scariest part of this whole thing is...

I was going to be her roommate.

Thank goodness I found another place to live before going down THAT road. When it comes to friendship, I don't mind if someone isn't a professional entertainer or whatever, because that's not what friends are about. But it's when they throw something like THIS on you (exactly what Tiziri said) that makes me upset about the friendship. This isn't the first time she's done something like this. Several times she has tried scheduling casual practice sessions with me which ended up with her having me teach her a crap ton of stuff for about 45 min...I'm sorry but that's a lesson...I don't mind teaching my friends for free, but I sure as hell don't like being tricked into it

Whatever, in all honesty I hope she has fun today. And I really hope that she realizes just how bad of an idea it was to book this gig so last minute and so unprepared. Maybe when she's on her 3rd hour and ran out of fuel and interesting things to do will she understand.