Thread: Dealing with Extreme Creepers

I've been performing professionally for a few years now and have dealt with my fair share of creepy men asking for my number. However, it wasn't until last night that I legitimately felt worried. Two elderly men (by elderly I mean, one was 75!) watched me perform and kept asking me personal questions. Not too bad. But then, they started begging me to go home with them for a few hours! I'm married, so I flat out told them my husband was waiting for me and I don't go out with patrons. They kept being persistant and asking waiters what time I leave and where I live! After 1 song in my last set, I ended and had the staff kinda hide/protect me behind the bar. I waited for them to leave and when I went out to my car, they were sitting in their van, so I bolted.

My question, how do you deal with persistant, terrifying people like this in a professional way? When they cross those lines, IS there a better way to handle this?

I think you were fine in how you handled their questions.

I'd recommend asking the staff to walk you to your car and wait there for you until you have started the engine and pulled out of your parking space before going back indoors.

You might want to read the book The Gift of Fear by Gavin deBecker for ideas on how to deal with dangerous situations.

This is a good time to remind everyone reading this thread that dancers should ALWAYS keep a close eye on our drinks to avoid being roofied. Don't accept a drink unless you saw it poured, don't drink from a glass that has been out of your sight, etc. In this case, the creeps were patrons, but I know of dancers who were roofied by musicians and restaurant staff, too.

I agree with Shira, I think you handled the situation well. Some people simply do not feel inclined to take no for an answer. Sad but true.

Due to an unfortunate situation that occurred decades ago I tend to be overly cautious when leaving any business. When shopping en route home after a long day at work. I ask store security or some other employee (depending on what is available), to walk me to my vehicle. I tend to avoid shopping malls but the one time I visited one a few years ago with a friend I requested mall security walk us to our vehicle. When they hesitated I grabbed my cell phone and started to call 911. When they asked what I was doing I explained we were trying to insure our safety. Suddenly they volunteered the golf cart and a guard to take us to our vehicle. I personally feel an escort when leaving a gig is a necessity. This might be a good time to discuss terms with your boss re always having an escort to your vehicle. Might want to include an escort that has not been drinking.

Thanks guys! Yea, luckily this restaurant is very kind and I already talked to them about having one of the staff members walk me out to my car. They were pretty helpful in the situation as well in regards to getting them out of the restaurant quickly and not giving away any of my information. Thanks Shira for the book suggestion! I'm hate confrontation and don't do well in scary situations, so that will be a big help :)

Ok, I'll bite. What's "Roofied"?

I'm assuming use of a "date rape" drug, but I've never heard the term. I don't get out much...

Ok, I'll bite. What's "Roofied"?

I'm assuming use of a "date rape" drug, but I've never heard the term. I don't get out much...

Originally Posted by zorba

Ok, I'll bite. What's "Roofied"?

I'm assuming use of a "date rape" drug, but I've never heard the term. I don't get out much...

"Roofies" is the slang term for Rohypnol pills. Sometimes used as a catch-all for any sedative drug slipped to someone.

http://web.jmu.edu/osasap/roofies.htm

Where I work, the owner ALWAYS walks me to my car. And if I've been uncomfortable around someone, they are watched. The wait staff is not allowed to speak about my personal stuff with customers, and those customers are referred to the owner, who deals with them. And I always sit at the owners table between sets, if I'm not there with friends.

But I agree. Creepers are creepy.

People have mentioned some excellent strategies for being safe & smart. You shouldn't answer personal questions at all when you're working. It kind of blurs the boundary lines and sets up a situation where someone then feels ok crossing the line and making you uncomfortable by becoming a threatening presence.
I think its also helpful to take the power back in a situation such as this. Develop & practice an assertive response that indicates the creeper is engaging in behavior that is unacceptable and that you don't tolerate. It doesn't have to be aggressive, but you also shouldn't find yourself hiding behind the bar on a regular basis. Try "Your comments and questions are inappropriate and unwelcome."
Don't apologize, don't ask nicely if they'll please stop. Simply redraw the boundary line and stand behind it.
I understand and can relate to having to follow up by getting staff to help monitor a situation and escorting you safely to your car. I think in terms of feeling safe its important to be empowered and realize that you can set clear boundaries and you can assert them.

If you do know what the creeper(s) car looks like, you might keep that in mind too to watch out for, and have any employee escorting you out watch while you leave and for a minute or two after to make sure no other cars pull out of the parking lot to follow you.

And of course, if in doubt, don't go home. Go to the police department, or at the very least another public place where there are a lot of people about. You can call a friend or family member to meet you there. (Once my partner and i were meeting up with a friend of his. Said friend called to say he was being followed by someone he didn't know. We all arrived at the bar we were meeting at and my partner and I walked over to where his friend had parked... another car pulled into the parking lot, drove past his car slowly, and left. "That was them," he said. No idea who they were or why they were following him, but they were ballsy enough to follow him right into the parking lot. Not sure what might have happened if he hadn't had two other people there with him and wasn't pulling golf clubs out of his trunk (he wasn't carrying his gun that night) by the time they drove past... so yup, don't think someone might back off just because you've pulled into a parking lot.

Originally Posted by Kat144

Go to the police department, or at the very least another public place where there are a lot of people about. <snip> so yup, don't think someone might back off just because you've pulled into a parking lot.

An acquaintance once left a bar with his girlfriend and started home. He noticed that as they left the bar, another car pulled out and started to follow them. It was not someone either of them recognized. The car kept following them. This was late at night, around the time the bars closed. Eventually, my acquaintance decided to pull into an empty parking lot. The other driver also did, pulling in behind him. He got out of his car and walked back to the other car to confront its driver. The person who had been following him pulled out a gun, and shot & killed him right there. His girlfriend had waited in the car, and saw the whole thing, but she doesn't know what words either man may have said to the other before the gun was pulled and fired. To this day, they have not solved that murder. I think it was even featured on America's Most Wanted.

So, if being followed home by another car, proceed with extreme caution.