things that make you go hmmmmmmmmm

[kina]

I recently had a nasty comment online about my personal attributes. Hurt my feelings muchly and shook my self confidence greatly (never really huge to begin with, but I'm working on it!)

My partner, who is the most supportive person EVER, on the planet, to me, did everything within his power to make me feel better. I stopped crying, but hadn't really got over it.

So today, at work, I was walking to another part of the courthouse. A young man, prolly about 20 or so, with a 4-5 year old child on his shoulders, clearly in the courthouse on "personal business" maybe coming off of some drug (sweating profusely, red eyes) first asks me if I speak Spanish. I do. Can I direct him to the probation department so he can check in. Sure. As I turn to continue my journey, he says to me, excuse me, with all due respect, are you married? I say yes, he replies that he figured, but it was sooo worth a shot.

hmmmmm.

That is not that part.



this is the part that makes me go hmmmm!


I immediatly cheered up about my personal attributes, felt any number of times better and proceeded with a smile.

And that's disturbing. On many different levels, but lets examine, shall we:

Someone who is not in any way shape or form "eligible" who I wouldn't consider for a minute, compliments me and I'm all aglow. WTF?

My partner, who as I mentioned, has done everything short of sculpting a statue, doesn't make me feel better about myself, although I was comforted by him.

I don't get this.

Someone please explain!

[kina]

Not that I expect anyone to psycho-analyze me, but...

[vilia]

You know your partner loves you and wants to say whatever possible to make you feel better, so you tend to believe he's just trying to make you feel better and could be exaggerating.

The other guy has no agenda. He's just a complete stranger. He could have said nothing, but chose to speak his mind. You felt it was genuine.

Could that be it? I certainly don't think it's abnormal to have those reactions.

[Nepenthe]

I agree with Vilia.
Also my spouse can never convince me I'm not fat if I think I am at that particular moment. I guess it's some kind of human nature.

[Samirah-NH]

When a compliment comes from someone you know loves you & just wants to see you happy, it's easy to brush it off as "Oh, you're just saying that", because we think they are just trying to coax us out of our bad mood. However, when a compliment is given completely unsolicited by someone who knows nothing of our circumstances, somehow it means more because we know it's not just to appease us. Sorry I can't explain why we feel this way, but we just do.

[LauraLevana]

There's just something about a compliment that comes out of the blue from the most unexpected places that can make your whole day!

By the way, considering that people on their way to talk to their probation officers are about the least-likely-to-be-complimentary people on the planet, you must be really smokin' for him to have noticed!

[Michelle75]

woo who go Kina!! Do check my blog about same situation for me. It made me feel so good. So I know EXACTLY what you mean.

[zumarrad]

I think it's nice to think you've still got it. And especially if the man is young. I mean, a guy who's 20 thinking you're hot is pretty flattering, especially in these days of surgery and implants and digital manipulation of images.

[maliam]

I second Zumarrad! Good for you. And as for the self confidence, you should try practicing optimism. Every day write five things about yourself that you like (even if it's the same five) and five things in your life you appreciate. One week's time will make a difference!

[Lauren_]

Wow. I can't answer your question, I'm interested to see what other people think. But what an interesting observation! Of course, we all respond that way. I'll be thinking about why that might be.

[sabrinabellydancer]

maybe when your partner was trying to comfort you, you were still too upset. perhaps when the man complimented you, you were ready to cheer up and get over the nasty thing.

just a thought. they do say that timing is everything...

[Nat242]

This happens to me from time to time - I'll be having a 'ugly day' and really, nothing my darling man can say to me makes any difference, because I know he loves me, and is entirely subjective and biased. Your partner probably means everything he says, because in his eyes, you're gorgeous, all the time. No matter what you're looking like (first thing in the morning, panda eyes, in your trackpants, always) !!!

Having a compliment coming from a stranger is a more objective statement, because they don't know you, they don't know what a beautiful person you are...all they know is that you LOOK beautiful. It is more convincing when you're feeling down.

However, it's nice to know that to one person at least, you're always beautiful

[mish_mish]

Really interesting question, Kina!

I've been having ugly days a lot lately (at least in my own mind) and have been feeling pretty down about gaining a little weight.

I work in a semi-industrial area/business park that is good for my ego. Taking a walk during my breaks usually confirms that I still have "it" (usually at least one dude on a forklift or loading tile or the UPS guy will give me a look!).

My husband is supportive and loving and "Mr. Hands" and it doesn't do as much for my ego either. I think Vilia hit the nail on the head.

[tahiradancer]

Definately what Vilia said.

{{{HUGS}}}

[bul_bul_ksa]

You need to examine why you are allowing external people to dominate your emotions - if you allow this to happen then you'll constantly be in a flux - one minute up, one minute down. Only you can answer the question.

It's like celebrities that say they never read the good OR the bad press because they realise the truth is not in either one.

[kina]

Yeah, I think it's because I know that he loves me and thinks I'm beautiful, which is of course, wonderful! I also know that he's not objective and that pretty much anyway I look to him is fantastic silly man, his favortie outfit on me is my baggy men's PJ bottoms with a tank top, not blinged out bellas!

I think it's probably the subjective -v- the objective, as most people have noted. The fact that this person had nothing to gain but still complimented me made feel very nice, which I don't question, again, it was how this impacted me when my partner had made such determined efforts to cheer me up. My partner is much more important to me than random guy. Plus, I usually overthink things

Bul-bul, you're right. I can usually take people's criticism with a grain of salt and try to look at what i can learn from an interaction, but for the first time in my life I'm struggling with my body. I've usually been able to work out and be in decent enough shape that I can take nasty comments and shrug them off. I haven't figured out how to get to the gym enough to really get back in shape. And, forgive the pun, it's weighing on me.

On the other hand, my son's no longer introduce their friends to me, they don't want to deal with the crushes

[annwyn]

Girly how long have you been with him? some times things get stale, there is nothing wrong with being happy when some one else thinks you look greaat! Even if that person isnt good looking, it is nice to know you still got it!

[Lauren_]

I think there's a lot of truth here, but I still think there's more to the explanation. Because the random guy DOES have something to gain -- !

And a husband COULD not try to comfort at all sometimes, or let days go by without a compliment, without really risking their position.

I think there's something more primal, the need to attract... or to know that we're capable of attracting... or something.

Or maybe just that we're habituated to the fact that our SOs find us attractive, but someone else finding us attractive is new information, so we respond to it differently each time? (I guess that's pretty much what's already been said)

Or we're programmed to collect admirers, so we respond with that surge of satisfaction when we add one to the collection?

[joanneraks]

It's funny - I'm this way too. A compliment from a stranger has much, much more weight than one from my husband. For all of the reasons mentioned. This transfers over to good girlfriends, too. I've got a handful of girlfriends that are very nice about giving me compliments, we're great about scratching eachother's backs that way. But I've got one friend who really, really knowes how to give a girl a compliment, and one from her is worth 20 from any other friend. There are a couple of reasons: One - I know she's very discerning about everything in life, and Two - her compliments are sort of rare. Three - when she does give you one, she explains it, and she's so gifted with her verbal expression, that between that and the other attributes, combined with the fact that she's no a$$ kisser - you're thoroughly convinced by the time she's done that her compliment is fact.

[mish_mish]

There is that primal need to be able to attract a partner to fulfill our genetic destiny 'n stuff. Good point, Lauren.

[Nisima]

Well, it is the random compliments that stand out - I was not feeling particularly bad or good about myself and one fine day I was taking a pair of my daughter's high-heeled boots to the shoe repair shop and the new, gorgeous Pierce Brosnan look-alike guy at the counter took the boots, glanced at my wedding ring and said, "oh no, you are married and I was going to ask you out for a coffee......." I smiled, said thank you and skipped off and trust me, this little scenario is one I cherish and replay in my head anytime I need to, becuase it was not from family or friends and hubby who love me and think I'm beautiful always "no matter what". I cherish those loves, don't get me wrong, but it's nice to know that at least to one hottie shoe repair guy, I still got it...............
I don't think there's anything unusual in enjoying a little boost to the ego when it is harmless. Now, if I spend a fortune getting ALL my shoes and my family's shoes reheeled just so I can get sexy compliments from the shoe repair guy and then actually have coffee with him every time, then that could be a definite problem of my needing my self-confidence propped up too much....................